A distant banging fills Wallflower's hazed senses. The first few blinks out of her sleep reveal the soft whites and browns of the bathroom on her side of the house. A searing pain emanating up her arm quickly shocks her senses back into her. The cold tile of her bathroom floor sent a quick jolt through her body as it brushed up against her cheek from under her hair and against her bare arm with every new movement. She blinked the haze out of her eyes, trying to piece together what brought her down to this freezing, uncomfortable position on her side. Her right hand snaked its way through the mess of matted, unkempt green hair sprawled across the white tile underneath her for some support. Just had to get back up and find her sweater again. A look down at her forearm brought the memories of the last two days rushing back in. The usual track of scratches on her otherwise light-green skin was almost completely replaced with a solid, bright-red streak of cuts from the bottom of her bicep all the way down to her wrist. As soon as she waved it into the open air, the intense stinging filled her senses and she couldn't help but cringe and clench her fist.
Bad idea. The same searing sensation that awakened her flared up again as soon as she tried to move her pinkie. The discolored gash on her wrist seized her entire body with white-hot pain and sapped all the energy out of her muscles. Wallflower instinctively jerked the limb close to her chest and her entire form shot upright with it as she clenched her teeth tightly in a futile attempt to bear the torment. Something sticky clung to her arms as she pressed her thighs up to them. Once she could finally take a breath, she looked down to see the same wasteland of hundreds of little slashes across her thighs, some of them still producing those little drops of her essence to make a mess across her otherwise-clean bathroom.
Wallflower let her legs extend outwards and rested her head against the wall. The pain had left her shuddering with weakness across every one of her limbs, but something else was creeping in that was much worse. The vice grip of guilt tightening in her abdomen quickly reminded her of why she was here. The blood pouring down Sunset's face... the hours of cowering at home, waiting for the police to come, or someone to tell her that her friend was dead, or Sunset herself coming to attack her for what she'd done. The possibilities flared up Wallflower's already-exhausted adrenal glands and teased her with the kind of crippling panic attack that'd already ended with her passed out in a pool of her own sweat. She swallowed, wincing at the soreness in her dry throat. Wallflower shook her head, silently begging not to relive the feeling of nearly suffocating over her own hyperventilation.
Her trembling hands drooped down to her sides, defeated. Even the intense pain of the fresh gash on her hand didn't keep the lump from forming in her throat. Tears welled up in her eyes as Wallflower stared up at the ceiling. A prisoner in her own body--she lost control the second Sunset's head bounced off of that rock. The cuts adorning her wounded limbs were a feeble attempt to stave off the inevitable and keep the clarity she'd found in the forest, what? Two days ago? Three? Wallflower could hardly even remember any longer. Another series of harsh bangs caused her to jump and tense her arms, sending that horribly intense pain shooting through her arm again, accompanied by the harsh stinging of her fresh cuts waving in the air.
Wallflower gripped her head again and curled up tightly. It was the front door. Breathing became difficult as the thoughts of her inevitable punishment filled her head. She did her best to ignore the harsh rapping echoing throughout her home and looked down to her one savior in all this--the razor she'd grabbed out of Sunset's hands was sitting a few feet away from her, coated in even more blood. At least something might help.
More angry knocks at her door gave Wallflower an uncomfortable jolt. "Please... Just go away..." she whispered.
"Wallflower? Are you there?" Sunset's muffled voice rang out through the door. Wallflower perked up and looked curiously out into the hallway. There wasn't any anger or malice in her voice, just concern somehow. "I've got your sweater and phone."
You'll never be any good for her
Tell her to go away before it's too late
Wallflower clenched her fist and let that intense pain blind her senses again. She pursed her lips as her breathing slowly returned to normal. I should at least apologize... Her first shaky attempt to get on her feet ended up with her on her knees, grasping her wrist with a desperate wince. The second attempt required her weak grip on the sink and ended with her grabbing a nearby bathrobe to cover up the hundreds of red streaks decorating her limbs. With a long, quivering, deep breath, she walked up to the front door, her hand hovering over the knob for a moment. Another knock made her jump, this time with a small yelp.
"Are you home? We're all worried about you. I just want to talk, Wallflower," Sunset said, the worry quickly growing in her voice. With another shaky breath in a weak attempt to calm herself, Wallflower twisted the knob and pulled the wooden door back just enough to get a look at her friend.
Her heart quickly sank and guilt filled her already uneasy stomach once she saw them: stitches. Sunset's forehead bore the evidence of her crimes: dozens of nasty little black wires poked out from under her beautiful red and yellow locks, tarnishing the wonderful face Wallflower looked forward to seeing for the past few weeks.
Sunset breathed a sigh of relief once they locked eyes. "Oh, thank Celestia. When you didn't come to school I thought... well, I'm glad you're okay. Can I come in?" She held up Wallflower's stuff in her hands, a reassuring smile on her face.
A lump formed in Wallflower's throat again as she held the door half open for a moment. Her skin crawled at the thought of having to talk to Sunset for an extended amount of time, but the panic building back up once she realized she was just awkwardly standing there quickly made up her mind. Wallflower softly nodded and opened the door for her friend to come in.
"Where do you want...?" Sunset asked holding up the items again.
Wallflower gulped and coughed for a moment before she could find her voice. "Just... just on the couch is fine." She gripped the bathrobe tightly to herself, making sure not to expose any of her arms as they pressed against her torso.
The phone, neatly back in its case, gently bounced as Sunset set it down with the folded sweater on the ottoman. Wallflower stood there silently, an uncomfortable lump slowly forming in her throat. Her mind swarmed with all the things she should be saying, but as her eyes flicked between Sunset and the floor, she couldn't get any of them to finally flow out of her vocal cords.
"I... I'm really sorry," Sunset said. The words shot a quick jolt of confusion through Wallflower as she furrowed her brow and looked up at the nasty set of little, black strings poking out of Sunset's forehead.
"...what?" Wallflower whispered out as she narrowed her eyes at her friend.
"I've been thinking a lot about how I could have, I don't know... handled all that better." Sunset let out a somber sigh and looked around the dark, silent room. "If I noticed sooner maybe I could've gotten you some sort of help. Maybe if you could just have someone that would work with you, you wouldn't want to mutilate yourself like that. I just... maybe I should've known sooner."
Wallflower's fists tightened so hard her nails threatened to open the skin on her palms. Her teeth clenched hard as that familiar anger bubbled up inside her chest. So many years of ridicule every time she lifted her sleeve surfaced in her mind. Years of no one ever bothering to understand, just shoving her off onto other people that never cared, never really doing anything to help. A lifetime of being the ignored loser was all her mind could focus on, and all Wallflower could see in front of her was another 'friend' eager to shove her off onto someone else. "Someone that would work with me? Mutilate myself? Are you fucking serious, Sunset?"
The air quickly became tense between them as Sunset took a step back and blinked a few times in terrified confusion. "W-what? I didn't mean--"
Wallflower silently fumed for a few moments as her glare attacked the floor. All she could think of was the feeling of constant isolation even in a crowd over the last few weeks, and Sunset's sweet, little, false promises. "After all that talk about us being friends and me never having to be alone again, you're just going to shove me off onto someone else when it looks like I actually need help? You... you... you lied to me! You told me things would be different now, you stood there and told me to my face that it wouldn't be like before. Yet here you are all high-and-mighty to tell me that the one thing that ever really helped me to not feel like I have to die just so I could escape all of this is on par with disfiguring myself or slicing off limbs. All your friends and all those people that actually care about you and you just set me aside like I was just supposed to magically get better in your presence."
Wallflower shut her eyes tight and tried to stifle the malice coursing through her system so hot her arms were already shaking. "I thought you'd really changed when you said you wanted to help... but you don't care. You never cared. You play this stupid, innocent princess act because the old you wasn't going to get you popular anymore. All you ever cared about was yourself... how many friends you could pile up that worshiped you, how many people that would just fawn over the idea of even getting to be friends with the school's reformed queen on her throne. You're not fooling me. I know you don't care, so just stop pretending already!" The last words out of her mouth left a harsh rasp in her throat that told her she'd escalated up to yelling. She opened her eyes, expecting to see the old Sunset glaring back at her ready to deliver a cutting retort, but what she saw was so much worse than any insult that could ever be said.
Tears.
Wallflower's heart immediately seized at the sight and her breath quickly caught in her throat. Guilt flooded through her system as the memories of the last time she saw Sunset cry rushed to her head. Moments before Sunset gave her that single bit of hope she'd always wanted with her outstretched hand and caring smile, she was collapsed on the pavement as the memories of the people she loved being ripped out of her mind. That familiar twinge of sympathy and remorse at those dampened cheeks appeared yet again. The anger washed out of Wallflower as she stared at her friend, her mouth hanging open as she desperately wished she could just erase this moment too. A glance up at Sunset's forehead and those nasty black strands made Wallflower cringe and look down at the floor.
Some apology
You don't deserve friends
You ruin everything you touch
She'd be better off without you
"I... I didn't..." Sunset blinked a few times then gently patted her sleeve against her cheeks. "I just wanted to help... I..." her voice cracked as she tried to form her next sentence.
Wallflower hugged her arms tightly against her chest, the blood on her forearms leaving an uncomfortable wetness against her skin as she moved the sleeves around. A second glance up was an immediate mistake—seeing Sunset's pleading stare at her poked more holes in her paper-thin shield against her own mind. Wallflower shut her eyes as tightly as she could, but there was no hiding anymore.
This is why no one likes you
What a terrible person you are
She'd be better off with out you
You're a lost cause
You make everything worse
Her efforts are wasted on you
Worthless
Her life is worse because of you
Do the world a favor already
No one will miss you
The world would be better off without you
"Wallflower?" Sunset asked, her voice raised in concerned. Wallflower had to blink a few times to let her vision focus back in. Instead of standing by the couch, Sunset was across the room in front of her with a hand on her shoulder. Those teary teal eyes looked between her own with that genuine remorse that scraped lines of guilt into her heart yet again. "Would that be okay?"
"Would... what?"
"If you could tell me what I could do to help," she said, a strange desperation in her eyes that made Wallflower jerk her shoulder out from Sunset's grasp and take a step back to keep some personal space between them.
Wallflower's eyes drifted away, her mind hazed and confused as she struggled to process what she just heard between the constant gnawing of the thoughts to take control again. "I... you can't..."
"There has to be something, right? Something I can do so you'll stop doing..." Sunset took another step forward to grab Wallflower's hand. "...this!" she said as she turned over her wrist to reveal the harsh gash and the dozens of others.
"Agh!" a piercing scream left Wallflower's lungs at the twisting of that gnarly wound. Sunset winced and took a step back as her friend clutched her arm close and found a nearby wall to steady herself on.
"I'm sorry..." Sunset stretched out a hand to help, but hesitated before her fingers could make contact.
The searing pain returned, spreading an uncomfortable weakness throughout Wallflower's entire body as her mind refused to focus on anything else. She looked down to find a fresh trail of blood dripping out of the open wound, quickly staining her bathrobe a gloomy shade of red.
"Maybe we should get you to a hospital. That doesn't look—"
Wallflower let out an annoyed grunt with a hint of the pain seizing her. "Can you just please stop." She took a moment to catch her breath and force her fatigued legs to keep her from falling down the wall completely. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Sunset, but let's just stop pretending."
Sunset blinked a few times with a puzzled look. "Huh?"
"I know you don't care," Wallflower said, her voice low and weak. "It was a nice thought, but even sitting right beside you every day at lunch I've been the outcast. The odd one out. No one wants me there and the only reason you haven't told me to buzz off is because it'd make you look bad. Well you don't have to pretend anymore with me. I know I'm not as smart as you, but I can still see when someone is just putting up with me." Wallflower's eyes made sure to stare at the wall—anywhere but Sunset right now. As the room fell silent, her truth started to sink in; finally saying it all out loud put an uncomfortable lump in her throat as she realized just how little she was really worth. Saying it out loud just brought it out into reality, making the unfortunate truth that much more real.
"Wallflower... you know that isn't true," Sunset said, taking another step in to touch her again.
Wallflower flinched, keeping Sunset's caring hand at bay. "I know it is true... that's why I'm saying it. Please just... just stop giving me that false hope that you actually care, that things might actually be different. It just makes everything worse."
"I..." Another crack interrupted Sunset's voice and her eyes trailed down to the floor again. "That isn't the truth, Wallflower. Please, just tell me what I can do to prove to you that I do care."
Wallflower let out a frustrated huff and hugged herself tighter against the wall. "Why? So you can pretend to care for a week or two then go back to pretending everything is fine?" Wallflower winced as her arm throbbed and held it tighter to her chest, still making sure her eyes were focused dutifully down the hall. "Please, Sunset... if you didn't want me around in the first place I wish you would just be honest about it so we didn't have to drag this out anymore."
"I do want you around and I do want to be friends. Please just believe me, or at least tell me what I can do to prove it." Sunset wiped her cheeks with her leather sleeve and did her best to put on an aura of determination through her own hurt. "Maybe I haven't been the best friend to you lately... I'm sorry for that and I want to make it up to you... I just need us to talk about how so things can get better. Would that—"
Sunset stretched out a comforting hand again, but before Sunset could make contact, Wallflower pushed herself off of the wall and took a few shaky steps away, making sure to hold her injured arm close so maybe it'd stop making her grit her teeth in pain every time her heart would beat. "I just want to be alone right now, okay? If you want to help then just leave me alone."
"Do you really think that's a good idea right now? I really think things could be better if we just talked for a moment or something. Having a friend around might help you to realize you don't need to... you know... hurt yourself."
Wallflower let out a somber sigh and whispered to herself. "I don't have any friends..."
"But I... we're..."
"Please, Sunset. I just want to be alone right now. Can't we do this some other time?" Wallflower asked with a whimper of desperation in her voice.
Sunset swallowed before letting off a reluctant nod. "If that's what you want... Just please don't think I don't care. If there's anything I can do, anything at all, please just tell me."
Wallflower didn't bother answering her. The constant stress of knowing someone was right behind her waiting for an answer just made her all the more uncomfortable with each passing second of silence they both sat in. Sunset cleared her throat and spoke softly. "I'll... I'll text you soon, okay?"
Another awkward silence filled the room until Sunset finally accepted her request and left out of her front door with a gentle, careful click of the latch. Wallflower finally let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding and looked down to her injury; blood had stained the inside of her sleeve and coated her arm like an over-decorated Christmas tree. Wooziness made her feel uneasy on her feet and only some simplistic, instinctual part of her brain leaned her in the direction to tumble back towards the bathroom.
All that managed to stick in Wallflower's memory after that was the blinding pain of alcohol in an open wound and the haphazardly-applied bandage on her wrist as she stumbled back into her living room. The throbbing feeling that enveloped her senses was finally starting to fade when she dropped to her knees in front of her couch's ottoman. Sunset had carefully folded her sweat and placed her phone on top, and as soon Wallflower touched the material she could tell Sunset even went over it with a lint roller for her. The second the wool touched her hand she couldn't help but put her favorite piece of clothing back on. The world might have been an awful, uncaring place, but at least there was always the feeling of that soft, comfy sweater clinging to her body like an ever-present hug from someone that'd never leave.
Just as she pulled her hair free from the grasp of her sweater, Wallflower noticed something else sitting on the ottoman with her phone: two colorful plastic bags bound together with a rubber band, with a piece of notebook paper folded up on the bottom. Her curious hand pulled the bags apart to reveal some chewy candy and wrapped chocolates. She raised an eyebrow as she held the bags up, then unfolded the paper.
It was her. At least, it was a little super hero version of her. A cute chibi drawing of her in a cool-looking purple and black costume with vines whipping around her and knives shaped like petals in hands. Next to her tiny avatar was Sunset in her own hero costume with both of them looking away with confident smiles to some unseen enemy they were about to fight.
Sometimes it feels like your battle is just too much, so for times like those we have lots of candy and our best friends to come out on top!
- Sunset <3
The paper trembled in the dark living room, even with both of Wallflower's hands gripping it tight. The silence was broken by little, wet pats onto the sheet, leaving dark spots wherever they fell. Wallflower did her best to gently place it back onto the ottoman before her tears soaked it completely.
Both of her hands came up to her eyes as she leaned back and let out a frustrated groan at herself. "What the hell is wrong with me?" her pained voice whimpered up into the air. With a pathetic whine she curled up on her knees, her hands still pressed tightly against her face. "I'm so sorry, Sunset," she whispered, hoping that somehow the universe would make things okay and tell her she didn't mean any of it. She wanted to bang her head against the wall for telling Sunset to leave; she wanted her best friend's... her only friend's company now more than ever, but she knew at this point Sunset was walking home in the cold thinking that Wallflower hated her.
Wallflower clenched her fists as her mind finally cleared from its temporary haze. Every little word she said to her friend, all the harsh inflections, and all Sunset wanted was to help. Tears streamed down her face with every new thought and that familiar anger bubbled up inside her yet again. Another relationship ruined forever. She let her hands fall to her waist, gripping tightly against herself so hard that her fingernails threatened to tear into her palms. Hate swirled through her veins at her own stupidity, her own inability to just make things work out for once.
Wallflower shook her head and grit her teeth. "God, I'm such a worthless idiot," she whispered harshly to herself. All the pain and suffering of her high school years welled up to a head in her mind again, but she refused to resent it any longer—she knew she deserved it. A myriad of ways she could hurt herself popped into her mind, a catalogue of punishments she felt might be appropriate for someone so undeserving of sympathy. Her flare of emotions settled as her mind took off with the possibilities. Cutting felt so asymmetric now, it had to be so much worse for what she really deserved for being such a nuisance to the world.
Nothing but the occasional sniff filled the room now as Wallflower stared blankly at her couch. Her house was quiet, peaceful even, at least to anyone else that might see it. To Wallflower, the walls surrounding her felt like a cage where she was trapped in with herself, like a lion circling its victim in a coliseum. There was no escape anymore and she knew she deserved every last second of torment and negativity she was due. It was only right after the way she just acted. The only movement anymore left was the occasional drip from her cheek while Wallflower sat stiff on her knees with her unfocused eyes looking at nothing. She was hardly even on this plane of existence anymore as her mind slowly took over. Even the constant, sharp pain of her cuts was barely a distant memory as the world faded away, leaving her with the familiar prodding of the truth swirling in her thoughts.
Do the world a favor
You've caused enough trouble for one life time
It'll never end well, might as well save everyone the trouble
You didn't even apologize
Everyone would be better off without you
Everyone that tries to help you is worse off because of it
Just do it already
It's time
No one is going to miss me
A rope would be easy
I can't bother anyone with it
They'll be glad I'm gone
I'll only make things worse by staying
I know a good place
Everyone is going to hate me eventually anyway
Everyone will be happier
It's what I deserve
They won't even notice I'm gone
I was always worthless anyway
It's a favor to the world
I've only ever been an annoyance
Nothing was ever going to change
My life was never going to end any other way
It's time