Hi there, everypony, and welcome to another episode of Twilight Tries!
Right now, I’m here at the famous First Station pub in Ponyville for what I’m sure is going to be one of the most interesting things I’ve tried to date. Today, I’m going to try…doing a pub crawl!
For those of you who don’t know, a pub crawl is the act of drinking in multiple pubs or bars in a single night. Sometimes they’re themed and coordinated by various pubs in an area to drive up business, but that’s not what’s happening tonight. No, this pub crawl is just going to be me and my friend, Applejack, going around and having a drink at each of the ten pubs in Ponyville, starting at The First Station and finishing at The Universe’s End.
Now as most of you probably know, I don’t drink that much, so you might be asking why I’m doing a pub crawl today. Well, the answer is that I, um, inadvertently insulted Applejack the other day and now I have to do this with her.
See, a few nights ago I was at a party with Applejack and the rest of our friends. There were alcoholic beverages at this party and, to nopony’s surprise, Applejack and Rainbow Dash eventually got into a cider drinking contest with one another. Applejack ended up being the winner and in her…intoxicated state she began asking anypony within a ten hoof radius if they wanted to challenge her next. When she got to me I politely declined, and then made the mistake of saying that it was because my alicorn metabolism would give me an unfair advantage.
Most ponies don’t know this, but an alicorn’s metabolism burns faster than the average pony’s, specifically about three times faster. This means that it’s very difficult for an alicorn to ever get drunk.
Anyways, after I said that Applejack took it the wrong way and said I was insulting her honor. I asked her what ‘honor’ she was referring to exactly, but she just slapped me across the cheek with a glove and challenged me to a drinking contest at a later date. Now given how drunk she was I just assumed she’d forget about it one way or the other when she sobered up, but the very next day she came by the castle and asked when would be a good time for our contest.
Needless to say, I didn’t really want to get into a drinking contest with Applejack. I know her, and I know that she’d be stubborn enough to drink herself to death to defend her ‘honor’. So instead of a traditional drinking contest, I suggested a pub crawl where whichever one of us was the least drunk at the end would be victorious. She agreed and we were able to get Fluttershy to agree to be the judge of who’s drunker when we’re done at The Universe’s End.
So, yeah, that’s how we ended up here. Now there’s nothing left to do but wait for Appl-
.
.
Oh, hey, Applejack.
Yep, I’m ready if you’re ready.
.
.
Okay then.
Barkeep! Two hard ciders over here!
.
.
.
Thank you very much.
Welp, bottoms up!
Pub #2 – The Old Acquaintance
I have to say, the drink from The First Station was actually pretty good. What did you say it was called again, Applejack?
.
.
Cobra Venom? Huh, bit of a strange name for a drink to me, but still good regardless.
So, what will we be having here?
.
.
Fillydelphia Tuxedo?
Is it called that because it’s from Fillydelphia and is going to be served to us in a bottle that’s wearing a tuxedo?
Hehe.
.
.
I was joking Applejack.
.
.
No it wasn’t because I’m drunk!
Come on, Applejack, I know I don’t drink much but I’m not going to get drunk after just one drink. I’m not a lightweight.
.
.
That’s right. That joke was just bad because my sense of humor is really dorky.
Hey, wait.
.
.
Oh, never mind.
Down the hatch!
Pub #3 – The Famous Rooster
Feeling a bit tipsy there, Applejack?
.
.
I beg to differ. You’re ever-so-slightly starting to slur your words.
.
.
Oh, please. I feel perfectly fine. Alicorn metabolism, remember?
.
.
Okay, okay. Let’s just get our next drinks, shall we.
.
.
A Black Wednesday?
Geez, who comes up with the names for these drinks?
Well, here’s to your health!
Pub #5 – The Good Allies
You know, I have to admit that I’m starting to feel a little bit of a buzz right now. But I am not drunk.
Applejack on the other hoof though…
.
.
AJ, you’re clearly drunk. Maybe not Hemingway drunk, but still pretty sauced.
.
.
Okay, I’m just going to chalk all that foul language up to the fact that your inebriated at the moment.
I’m going to go ahead and get our drinks. Unless of course you want to call it quits.
.
.
Suit yourself.
Pub #8 – The Mermare
Applejackk…look over there. Ya see that shtallion?
.
.
Hez been lookin’ at uz all weird like fer a while now. I think…I think maybe hez a alien.
.
.
Well why else would he be shtarin’ at uz like that?
An’ it’z not just him either. I’ve sheen a few other ponies lookin’ at uz all funny like too.
.
.
Yer right, what if it iz an invasion?! Whatda we gonna do?!
.
.
Ah, goood plan. We jus’ go ‘bout our business an’ act like everythin’s normal, then when they least espect it, we shtrike.
Yer so shmart, Applejack. That’s why yer my friend.
Cheers!
Pub #10 – The Universe’s End
Hey, Fluttersshy! How ya doin’, buddy?
.
.
Me, drunk? Don’t be shilly. I’m not drunk. Applejackk iz drunk, but I’m not drunk. Hehe.
.
.
Hold that thought, Fluttersshy. I jus’ noticed that yer face is really squishy.
Squishy, squishy.
.
.
Shorry. I jus’ had ta make sure you wasn’t a alien. Applejackk an’ I saw shome earlier, ya know.
.
.
Take me home? Why, Fluttersshy, you minx. We don’t have ta go back ta my place ta have a good time. We can jus’ go inta one a the bathroom stalls and have shome fun there.
.
.
Oooh, yer no fun, Fluttersshy.
Well, shince I feel like I’m gonna go sleepy-bye any shecond now, I’m jus’ gonna end this thing right here. So shee ya next time, an’ ramember, I love you all so, so much.
Tra-da-da-lump-a-doo!
*DRUNKEN SNORING NOISES*