You stopped hammering the nail in to sigh, the warm spring air caressing your face like the touch of a gentle lover. Yeah, you could get poetic on occasion; you'd read Frost and Eliot in college, which scored you major points with hot co-eds. Thankfully, you weren't like those hippy-dippy coffee shop poetry slam douches that acted like they were the voices of a generation and that people "just didn't get the subtle nuances of their craft." Pfft, whatever. It wasn't your fault if their poetry sucked. It didn't even rhyme!
Anyway, you tapped the last nail into the bird house and held up your latest creation, which actually looked like something you'd find in a Home Depot or Lowe's. The sides were all symmetrical, the proportions right and the wood was smooth and practically flawless. When you first started helping Fluttershy with building birdhouses way back when, they came out as Picasso nightmares that no robin or sparrow in their right mind would dare to inhabit. Through trial and error, and a lot of bruised fingers and splinters, you finally managed to make decent-looking birdhouses that Fluttershy could proudly hang around her cottage. Hell, she even kept your original abominations as mementos, though you had nary a clue as to why.
Apart from Rarity, you never felt so at ease as you did with Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash was, well, awesome to hang out with, but her ego and desire to put up this nonchalant wall of pure badassery meant that you always had to be a tougher version of yourself. Any show of weakness, either on your part or hers, resulted in either Dash calling you out or her storming off if her image was damaged. Fluttershy, on the other hand, never judged you, merely pointing out meek little anecdotes on something like putting your feet on the table or using a cuss word. Yeah, as sappy as it sounded, she was emotionally supportive, always available for a chat or to just enjoy a quiet moment with.
Twilight was a real pal, allowing you to stay at her place and sometimes defending your bad habits by rationalizing it as "human behavioral idiosyncrasies" or some shit. On that note, she was a little pushy at times when she wanted to know about your species or your homeworld, like invading your personal space or interrupting you when you were eating lunch or even showering. The first night you slept in the castle, you woke up to Twilight hovering over you collecting saliva samples with cotton swabs. Then there was all the planning and schedules, her OCD-like obsession with everything going exactly how she planned it and having an aneurysm when something didn't work out like she hoped it would. You could site the time that Twilight walked in on you waxing your porpoise and actually wanted to watch "for science" but you didn't ever want to think about that moment again.
Pinkie Pie was admirable for her desire to ensure everyone (not everypony, because fuck you) was happy and healthy, spreading cheer and friendship and all that jazz. It was a cute and very selfless endeavor but it was a downright obsession at times. Similar to Twilight, Pinkie had issues with the notion of "boundaries" but whereas Twilight could be reasoned with, Pinkie was a tougher shell to crack. Whenever she saw you, she'd hop around you like a pink cokehead rapidly spouting whatever nonsense popped into her head, especially when you weren't in a mood to hear it. She was also some kind of cartoon character abomination that would pop out of jars or randomly appear wherever you were, ready to be loud and obnoxiously annoying.
There was no escaping the Pink.
The less said about Applejack the better but in all honesty (he he), you didn't hate her or even dislike her. Okay, she acted like a total tsundere ice queen but she was also hard-working, respectful (not towards you), told others how things were and loved her family and friends to pieces. You really did see her as a possible friend and if she could only remove that pole that'd been inserted into her tight sphincter, then you two could easily knock back some cider and catch a buckball game. Maybe in an alternate universe, she was your loyal gal-pal with admittedly pretty features. Then again, this wasn't The Butterfly Effect, so why focus on maybes and could've-beens?
You saw Fluttershy bending down to feed some squirrels, humming to the critters and humming in her lovely voice. The sun was shining just right to bring out the rosiness of her pink mane, the softness of her buttercream fur and when she looked up at you, the shimmering twin pools of crystal that were her eyes. Wait, pump the brakes on this what-the-fuck? big rig. Why were you internally waxing poetic about her mane or eyes? Were you...crushing on Fluttershy?
"Uh-uh, nope!"
You scrambled to start painting the birdhouse, giving it two coats of yellow paint (shit!) for the outer walls, pink (sonofabitch!) for the roof and light blue (cockknocker!) pegs for the birds to stand on. No, you couldn't like her, not like like! You were with Rarity now and this wasn't going to be like that time you slept with your one girlfriend's hot little sister. The point was, you were a changed man and that meant doing what was right and having a thing for your marefriend's friend wasn't right. Things were finally going your way and you weren't going to screw it up because you liked-
"Anon?"
"Fluttershy!"
You totally did not squeal like an eight-year-old, throw your arms up and accidently drop your birdhouse, causing it to smack on the workbench and split in half. Shit-spackled donkey boners!
"I am so sorry! I didn't mean to frighten you!"
Great, you just out-Fluttershy'd Fluttershy in the easily-scared department.
"I wasn't frightened," you explained, picking up the birdhouse's pieces. "Just startled."
Fluttershy giggled. Now see, if it had been Rainbow Dash snort-laughing, you would've drop-kicked that Murphy over a fence but Fluttershy was just so adorable that all feelings of rage and male inferiority just faded.
"Oh, well, sorry for startling you. I was just going to let you know that I have more than enough birdhouses, thanks to you. Now every bird will have a home here!"
Warning: cuteness levels are at their maximum. Core meltdown imminent.
"It's no biggie," you assured her, gluing your broken birdhouse back together. She was hovering at eyelevel now. "Just helping you out is worth it."
A hoof reached around to gently coerce your face to turn towards her.
"Anon...would you...like to have dinner at my house tonight?" Fluttershy nervously simpered with a half-lidded stare, one hoof rubbing your chest in brushstrokes. She must've picked that up from Rarity. Hold the phone...
Fluttershy has the hots for you?!
When? How? All those other adverbs!
She was staring into your eyes, those crystal orbs so full of hope and affection for you.
Much to your own reluctance, you gently pushed her away. "Look...Fluttershy, this whole thing with you and I. I don't think that it can happen."
The pegasus went from seductive to dumbfounded. "W-what?"
Damn, this was going to be harder than you thought. "The thing is, Rarity and I just started dating..."
Shit, now she was crying! Wordlessly, she leapt out of your airs and bolted in the direction of her cottage.
"Fluttershy, wait!"
You could hear her weeping as she fled from sight, slamming the door behind her.
Well, this was going to get real ugly real fast.
~*~
You finished your story and took a sip of tea. After the disaster at Fluttershy's, you immediately sought out Rarity and explained everything, the mare never once interrupting you as everything came pouring out. You may've been crying a little and this put your tale on hold a couple of times. You felt like a piece of shit. Rarity placed a hoof into your hand, your fingers curling around it as you gazed into her loving eyes.
"You know, Darling, I'm proud of you for committing to us. Admittedly, it's a little strange to hear my coltfriend say that he has feelings for one of my best friends but I'm glad you chose to tell me this."
"I just feel awful, Rare," you sighed. "Fluttershy's been such a good friend to me and it's like I took all of her kindness and threw it back in her face."
Rarity crawled up into your lap and rested her head on your chest. Instinctively, you began brushing her mane. She responded with a pleasurable hum so you continued.
"I understand," Rarity said softly. She then added, "I should've known Fluttershy felt that way about you. For the past few weeks, she's been coming in here asking me for advice on wooing a stallion. She refused to say who it was but whenever your name popped up, she had the biggest blush."
Rarity picked her head up. "You know, you shouldn't have told her there was no chance for you two. I take it you're aware of herds, yes?"
You frowned. "Yes, but I thought it was too early in our relationship to agree to something like that, especially without your say-so. Plus, I thought you were the monogamous type."
"Well, yes, that's true and thank you for that. I mean, I am and the thought of sharing you with another mare is almost unthinkable." Rarity stroked your chest, deep in contemplation. "I suppose it isn't impossible but I'd still need time to consider it. Would...would you want to be in a herd with Fluttershy and I?"
This was every dude's dream, right? Having two amazing women (or mares) being in a relationship with you, especially in a place where this type of thing wouldn't raise any eyebrows. Maybe that's why you were so hesitant on the concept. You were so used to polyamory being ludicrous that you were reticent about giving it a go. You rubbed Rarity's cheek with a thumb.
"I don't know. I'm still getting used to having a pony as a lover. Back home, this type of thing doesn't happen. We have something similar to herds but that's a major faux pas, one that gets you weird looks and judgement. I guess I'm not against it but I'm not exactly for it, at least not now. Does that make any sense?"
"Hmm-hmm." Rarity kissed your cheek. "Let's just take our time, Darling. I know things are still a tad strange to you so we'll take things one step at a time." A minute later, she smirked, "So, 'faux pas'?"
You shrugged, "I've been hanging out with you too much. Now I know Prench terms and the difference between haute couture and prêt-à-porter."
"And I know what constitutes a Manhattan cocktail and the meaning of 'soy-boy,'" Rarity giggled and gave you an Eskimo kiss, something that you never would've been caught doing with any of your ex-girlfriends but you happily accepted from Rarity. She really was the one.
You both sat in silence, your fingertips combing through her mane and coat.
"We should tell your friends about us."
Rarity nodded, "You're right. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash already know for a fact, Spike had to have told Twilight by now and I can only surmise that Pinkie Pie and Applejack have heard the rumors."
"I really don't want to," you groaned. "But I know we must."
"We'll do it together, Anon."
You smiled and kissed her. "Together it is."
~*~
At the Hall of the Super Friends, you sat at an extra seat at the Friendship Map situated between Rarity and Pinkie Pie's thrones, your leg shaking like a spastic waiting for everyone to arrive. Twilight and Spike were already there, naturally, and seated across from you. Rainbow Dash arrived soon after you did, already aware of your announcement, giving you a wink as she clambered onto her chair. You drummed your knuckles on the table, your breath coming and going in little hitches. Gently, Rarity placed her hoof over your hand and smiled, alleviating your worries and filling you with those pesky joy-joy feelings.
"It's going to be fine, Anon. Trust me."
Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Spike shifted uncomfortably on his stool. He may've given you his approval but that didn't mean that he was one-hundred percent okay with it, which you understood completely. Twilight was flipping through a notebook, no doubt preparing to launch into some sort of diatribe about inter-species coupling or the like. She was acting like her usual brainy self but you couldn't quite place the way she kept throwing you and Rarity glances over the top of her notebook. If she was against your relationship, she did a pretty good job of concealing it.
Pinkie Pie came bouncing along with nary a care in the world, followed closely by a sour-looking Applejack, her green eyes immediately locking onto you with deep-seated scorn. As the pair took their respective seats, the orange cowpony's glare never left your face. Okay, she was usually pissed off at you but her active bitch face was on full display. What did you do this time?
"That's just about everyone," Twilight announced. "Now we just have to wait for Fluttershy before we can-..."
"She ain't comin'."
"What? Why?"
"Ah went ta her cottage ta get her fer tha meetin' but she wouldn't come out. When Ah got her ta open tha door, she was ballin' her eyes out. Said somethin' 'bout not wantin' ta see Anon today." Applejack stared directly into your eyes. "Yah wouldn't happen ta know why, now would ya?"
Diddy Kong balls!
You took a deep breath. "She indicated that she was interested in me but I explained to her the news that I-we-wanted to share with all of you." Your grasp on Rarity's hoof tightened a little and she gave a squeeze in return. "Rarity and I are a couple."
"Yippee!"
Confetti floated down from God-knows-where and before you knew it, Pinkie Pie was shoved between you and Rarity, a chubby foreleg around both of your shoulders.
"I've been waiting for so long for you two to hook up! I've been planning a Rarity-and-Anon-Are-Officially-In-Love party and even got T-shirts made! Do you wanna see them?!"
Why Pinkie would even have T-shirts made when most ponies walked around naked was only the second. Firstly, how did Pinkie Fucking Pie of all ponies pick up on their romantic feelings for one another? This is the mare that actually talks to her pet alligator (which is actually pretty cool) and believes he talks back. Given Twilight's expression of disbelief, not even a brainiac like her had figured it out. What new spore of madness was this?!
"Buck yeah! Congrats you two!" Rainbow Dash cheered and held out her hoof, which you gratefully bumped with your fist. "I was wondering if it'd ever happen."
"Yah've got ta be buckin' kiddin' me!" Applejack, unsurprisingly, wasn't too happy with the news, her scowl obvious evidence of her disdain. "Of all tha males in Equestria, ya had ta hitch yer wagon t' Anon? Have ya been inhalin' too much perfume?"
You were about to stove your foot up the cowpony's apple dumplings when a gently hoof rested on your forearm and a pair of sparkling eyes met yours.
"Applejack," Rarity said calmly. "I know you and Anon aren't exactly fond of one another but do you think that you could put aside your differences and just be happy for me?"
"Not if it's with a yella-bellied, good-fer-nuthin' drunk like him."
"Applejack!"
"Hey up yours, hillbilly!"
"Anon!"
Applejack shot up to her hooves. "Wanna run tha by me again?" She hissed through gritted teeth.
"I said that you're a cousin-fucking, backwoods cunt!" You yelled and jabbed a finger at her.
"And yer a foul-mouthed, beer-guzzling, monkey-freak!"
"STOP IT!"
A voice thundered throughout the room, the shockwave sending a burst of wind that blew you backward and smacked Applejack's hat off. Twilight's glare immediately prompted the two of you to hurry back to sitting down. She rarely used the Royal Canterlot Voice but when she did, you knew that she meant business. The only other time you witnessed her use it was when Discord converted the pages of her prized signed copy of Star Swirl the Bearded's Guide to Magical Pedantry into very vivid sexual depictions. The alicorn waited a moment before speaking.
"You two can hash out whatever issues you have with each other but not in this castle. Do you understand me?" You and Applejack both mumbled your compliance. Twilight sighed, "Good. Now, I have my own thoughts on this news and wish to voice them."
She turned to you and Rarity. "You both know that I care for you deeply as friends and I am happy that you have found somepony and/or someone to spend your life with."
"I hear a 'but' coming in," You muttered.
"However, I'm concerned with the biological implications of your interspecies union. Have you two engaged in sexual activities?"
Rarity nodded, "Once."
"And did you use protection?"
The unicorn tripped over her words. "I-I feel such things are private!"
Twilight waved her hooves. "I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable but I have to know."
"No," you replied, much to Rarity's dismay. "We were drunk and didn't consider it. But does it really matter? I can't get Rarity knocked up."
"That's true but we don't know what kind of pathogens you may carry. You're an introduced, possibly invasive species, Anon. For all we know, humans possess unknown germs that can infect Equestrian ponies though sex."
You folded your arms indignantly. "That's ridiculous! You and the other scientists ran tests on me and concluded that I didn't carry any viruses."
"That we know of. Anon, you come from a world without magic and to us, magic is ingrained into our very DNA. This is why I'm so concerned for your health. We can't just use a spell or a potion to cure you of any ailments because the effects could be dangerous, even life-threatening. If you caught something here, not only would our treatment fail to combat the malady but it could kill you."
Yeah, the no-magic thing was beginning to piss you off. Basically, every living being in Equestria and beyond was imbued with magic; consider it like the Force: it surrounds everything living and non-living and even if you can't harness it, it's still there. This is why earth ponies can commune with nature, pegasi can walk on clouds and control the weather and unicorns can levitate objects and teleport. The reason why transfiguration spells and potions affect ponies is because of that very same magical energy is connecting with the natural energy in their bodies, sort of like adding the north end of a magnet to the south end. While telekinesis and teleportation works on you, since it's affecting your exterior and that is steeped in ambient magical energies, interior magic like transformation is deadly because the inside of your body isn't magically charged to be able to coalesce with the effects of the spell.
If it were that easy, Twilight or Princess Dumps-Like-A-Truck could've turned you into a pony years ago and your status as a human wouldn't have mattered. Contrary to your own preconceived notions, magic was a very intricate and exact process that even the most minuscule miscalculation could result in numerous repercussions. Since settling in Ponyville, the girls have done everything in their power to keep you out of harm's way so that you weren't injured or introduced to any foreign diseases. Healing a broken bone without magic was done all the time and Twilight knew enough about your biology to certainly treat it but if you caught an Equestrian disease or exposed to something like poison joke, then you were pretty much shit out of luck at that point. Do not pass "Go," do not collect two-hundred dollars.
"So are you cool with Rarity and me dating or not?"
"I'm...hesitant. Just please exercise caution, Anon."
"I will." You turned to Spike. "What do you think?"
The dragon clicked his claws against the table surface. "I'm not happy about it but I think it's okay."
"This is ridiculous! Ya'll can be okay with it but Ah ain't!" Applejack leapt down from her throne and stormed towards the doors. Throwing them open, she shouted, "Ya'll are makin' a big mistake! Don't say Ah didn't warn ya!" before slamming them shut behind her.
Noticing Rarity's trembling lip, you wrapped an arm around her. "Hey, it's okay, Rare. The worst of it is over."
An explosion of popping sparks burst onto the table and a very pissed off-looking Discord appeared, a lion's paw pointed at you. His eyes were literally burning with rage, little fires blazing around his pupils. Well, looks like you just picked yourself a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.
"I stand corrected."
"You hurt my Flutter-Buddy!" Discord roared and you were suddenly yanked up from your seat and suspended a good eight feet in the air. His eagle talons sliced through empty space, the claw marks forming a swirling portal. "Sayonara, jerkwad!"
You tumbled head-first into darkness, then there were flashing rings of black and white and you hit the ground and rolled. Shaking away the dizziness, you stood up and dusted yourself off. You were in a hand-drawn picture of a park in a vacant city, one that looked like Detroit from RoboCop. Or just, you know, Detroit. Across the street, there was an electronics store with a stack of televisions sitting in the broken front window. Suddenly, there were a bunch of hentai tentacles reaching past you towards the TVs and then...something weird happened. Okay, weirder.
A bright light temporarily blinded you, followed by the blue glow of the televisions, forming an eye as music accompanied it. The next part was hard for you to comprehend but it was a cavalcade of colorful, constantly-shifting shapes that brought to mind an acid trip from the mind of Ralph Bakshi. There were animals being stretched and bloodlessly dissected, converting into neon spirals and columns. No matter where you fled to or how fast you ran, the relentless madness followed you. That and a giant TV monster on rubbery tentacle legs.
Something yanked you up by the neckline of your shirt and you were unceremoniously tossed onto a table. You stared around. Oh thank Chuck Norris, you were back in Equestria. You laid on your back, your chest heaving as everyone gawked at you. Rarity climbed onto the table, her hoof brushing your hair off of your forehead.
"Are you alright, darling?"
You stared up at the ceiling. "I think so. I've seen some things. Weird things."
Twilight smacked Discord's thigh with a wing and gestured to you.
"Fine. I'm sorry Anon," he droned.
"Fooooor…?" Twilight goaded, twirling her primary feathers like fingers.
Discord sighed and intoned monotonously, "For throwing you into an pocket dimension of surrealist imagery accompanied by experimental hip hop."
"It's fine," you gulped. "I'm just going to throw up now."
After emptying your stomach, Twilight persuaded Discord to bamf you and Rarity back to your house. It was bad enough that you ticked off a mare that could split tree trunks with just her hindlegs but now the literal personification of chaos had your name first on his shit list. Oh joy. Was this what it was like to be a statue under constant assault by pigeon droppings? You laid on your side and groaned until you felt the mattress shift and a warmth pressing itself against your back.
"Feeling better, Darling?"
You rolled over and faced the pony. No, your marefriend.
"A little."
Rarity giggled and rubbed your chest. "I'm sorry about what happened with Discord."
"No need to apologize. If anything, I'm the one who's sorry. I caused a rift between you and your friends."
"Anon-..."
You cut her off. "It's true! I broke Spike's heart, sent Fluttershy into a deep depression, acted like an ass towards Applejack and almost got myself banished by Discord." You gently rubbed her cheek with the back of your hand. "I'm so sorry."
Rarity scooched in closer. "You were rather rude to Applejack but then again, she wasn't any better. I don't blame you for any of this. I chose this, chose you and I don't regret it. Do you?"
You lean forward and kissed her. "Not at all."