Shy.
That’s the word that people use to describe someone like her. She’s shy, quite, and mellow…
But they don’t know what she’s hiding.
Behind that mane she hides behind, those scared, nervous, beautiful green eyes of hers…the ones that are filled with kindness…they are the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen.
But they don’t see it.
But I know. I know that look, a fear driven habit….It the same one I use all the time. The look that masks who you are deep down covers up what you’re really feeling. A way of trying desperately to not bring any attention to ourselves. We don’t want them to think us as a nuisance
It’s how we were made.
Both of us were only young kids when it happened. We didn’t fit in; we couldn’t do something everyone else could. They all laughed, joked, and tormented us constantly. People we thought would be friends weren’t there for us…instead joining the others to make fun of us.
It can’t be changed.
Later on, after all the damage has been done, we found one who could have been our savior, someone who could help us. But no matter what they told us, what they tried to do, we ran away from it. Told ourselves we couldn’t do it. Believing the lies we were brainwashed into believing.
We hurt ourselves.
Not on purpose, not physically. We put ourselves down, when no one is there, we tell ourselves things that break our hearts…we tell ourselves the truth every night. Tell ourselves we don’t deserve to have things like love, friendship, and things like that.
We wish we were something else.
There is only one who knows what we both wish we could be. They both promised to keep our secret and not tell anyone. Both hopes are impossible for us to achieve, another truth that keeps us down.
But nobody hears us.
When we cry at night, nobody is there to hold us…to make all the loneliness go away. We cling to a pillow, or a stuffed rabbit, and let our masks down to empty the tears that built up during the day.
We won’t open up to people.
Because we fear rejection, humiliation. We’re afraid to let our mask down, out of fear of losing what we have.
We try to be kind to everyone, and not ask for anything back, no matter what.
We probably don’t deserve anything anyways…
We just want someone to love us.
But we both know no single person ever would want someone like us. We believe we wont ever have that special someone.
The one we love…
Is the same one who is the only person we ever opened up to. But they are already taken, and is happy with who they are
with. They are probably better than us anyways.
So we hide.
Hide away the heart ache, the pain, the fear, the loneliness, all of it. We hide it behind a mask…a smile.
We do this every day.
We keep it up every day of our lives. It’s not something we control, it just doesn’t leave us. No matter how hard we try.
Sometimes it lets up its hold.
Once in a while we can go without this dark feeling in us, its hold easing up on us. Sometimes for just a short while, others for maybe a couple days…but it comes back.
We are hurt easily.
We can be scared, pushed, broken, and destroyed by things that would seem harmless, like a prank. But we do our best to not let our hurt show.
We find solace in things that keep us alone.
For her, it’s taking care of her animals…which she is amazing at. For me it’s music. I doubt I’m anything good.
But these things we enjoy can also hurt.
With just a simple phrase or occurrence, we can realize just how sad we are, just how alone we still are.
We fear the spotlight.
The attention, all the eyes watching us, we believe that they are there to look for just one mistake to us against us. And once they find it…they will have everyone gang up on it.
We are escape artist.
We escape to our imaginary worlds, our comfort zones, to hide away from the world. Where we can be someone else, someone better.
We both look up to our only friend.
They are both strong, amazing, confident…things we would never be. They love the spotlight on them, they embrace it.
They tried to get us out of our shells.
By means of certain events that showed how talented we could be. We both were scared and ran away. When we did try, our effort made little difference. We believed that we could be easily replaced by someone else. It’s true.
Why don’t we find solace in each other?
...because I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of taking that risk.
I don’t know what to do, what to say…
But I need her.
And she needs me.
We need each other.
We have both had our hearts broken long enough.
Mabye with each other, we can move on.
With her, I don’t feel like I usually do around others. I don’t feel the need to keep up my mask.
I can tell that she feels the same way towards me.
We both don’t do our usual annoying mannerisms we usually do.
I don’t apologize constantly without a proper reason…mostly.
She doesn’t hide behind her mane…mostly.
We may not be able to gain our secret desires.
But maybe that’s for the better.
Yay…
Mabye her kindness can banish this feeling.
Mabye I can move on.
But….
I don’t want to hurt and leave someone behind.
She doesn’t want that either.
We don’t want them to think us deserters.
We need to be there for them if something bad happens.
Sure they may not need us…or want us...or like us the way we wish they would…
But…
We probably don’t deserve to have our love requited.
So we stay quiet…mellow…
…and shy.