//------------------------------// // Tower Shield // Story: The Immaculate Deflection // by Liquid Truth //------------------------------// It was brilliant. It was an impeccable plan. Nothing will stop it from happening. All she needed to do was to say it right there, right then. “Your people are waiting, Your Highness.” Princess Celestia stepped into the balcony overlooking a sea of ponies from all classes of the land. Except for the really poor ones on the border that hadn’t gotten the news that their princess was about to announce something incredibly important regarding the many ponies that had been claiming that they were all her heirs. Silence reigned over the courtyard of the newly-finished Canterlot Castle, everypony waiting for a word to be spoken. “Your Highness?” Celestia coughed. “Is something wrong, Your Highness?” “No.” “Your people are waiting, Your Highness.” “I know, Tower Shield, I know.” “...Then can you—” “Keep your big damn mouth shut, Shield.” Shield bowed. “But with all due respect—” “Are you deaf, Captain?” “No, Your Highness.” “Then keep your big damn mouth shut.” Captain Tower Shield bowed. “But Your Highness—” “Did I ask you to open your big damn mouth, Captain?” “No—” “Then keep your big damn mouth shut or I’ll tell your wife how many children you’ve made with me.” “But—” “And I’ll charge you for child support.” Tower Shield kept his big damn mouth shut. Celestia took a deep breath and looked over her citizens. “Citizens of Equestria!” Everypony cheered. “On this beautiful day, I want to make an announcement for you all to remember.” Everypony cheered louder. “Now, can you all please shut up first?” Everypony cheered even louder. Celestia nodded. “On this beautiful day, citizens of Equestria, I will make an announcement, and that is for you all to keep your big damn mouths shut and listen when your princess is talking.” Everypony kept their big damn mouths shut. “Citizens of Equestria, I am here to announce that I have never had children.” Everypony gasped. “Can you all please keep your big damn mouths shut when I am talking?” Everypony kept their big damn mouths shut. Celestia nodded in approval. “As I said, I’ve never had children. In fact, I’m infertile, thus cannot have children. Any rumors you may have heard of somepony being a direct descendant of mine is a lie. All those white ponies that made up the royal guard and telling you that they’re my sons and daughters? Well, that is true, but only because I adopted them to become the greatest warriors that our country needs to prevent any catastrophe from happening again.” “But what about the prince?” a random citizen asked. “He’s a prince because he can keep his big damn mouth shut. Like you should.” The random citizen kept his big damn mouth shut. “In fact, all alicorns are infertile.” “Princess Luna, too?” “Who?” “Princess Luna. Your sister that you banished to the moon and cried over for the past few decades because you found out in her diary that she was pregnant when you banished her?” “That is all a lie. I don’t have any sister.” “But I remember Princess Luna destroying our beloved city!” “No, that was just a monster that cannot keep its big damn mouth shut. Princess Luna is a myth. The Mare in the Moon is a myth. In fact, you all can read it in a history book titled Myths and Legends of Equestria. While keeping your big damn mouths shut.” The next day, a hastily-written book titled Myths and Legends of Equestria was published and turned up to be a great success. On the same day, a carefully-written book titled Facts of Equestria was also published, and it quickly overshadowed the former in their popularity, mainly because of one of the chapters titled “Anemophily and You: What to Do When You Got Pregnant for No Apparent Reason”. The science community was puzzled by a finding that should’ve been too obvious not to notice: mares can get pregnant by the west wind. After numerous studies, scientists found out that the statistics matched up: upon mating season when mares went to heat, some of them would become pregnant without having done copulation with any stallion. From that day forward the community gained a lot more members in the history department to fact-check earlier studies, and just as fast, they lost members when they found out how ridiculous it was that previous studies did not notice this fact, and some even blatantly rejected the idea because indeed it was only a recent phenomenon that Celestia made up. But Celestia didn’t make that up, of course, because it was written in a book of facts that contained only made-up myths by Celestia. Celestia wouldn’t confess that the wind impregnation phenomenon was caused by a spell she used, of course, or it’d be disastrous. Everypony would call her stupid. It was brilliant. Celestia had made a spell that fixed her fertility problem: every time she had sex, somepony else got pregnant. And because all her descendants were white-coated, she mandated that anypony that got impregnated by the wind to have the resulting offspring be trained in the Royal Guards Academy. She gave no reason why, but since the crown also promised to take care of their child’s wellbeing, confused mares who couldn’t afford to raise a child didn’t complain and nodded along. That concluded the true history of why the Royal Guards are of the same color, why they’re such an incompetent bunch, and why you don’t see Celestia ever pregnant. “So my brother was—” “Likely a result of sex between me and ex-Lieutenant Storm Wing? Who is very likely to be my child? Yes.” “And—” “That explains why he’s such an incompetent piece of shit? Yes.” “Not what I was about to ask, but that does answer some long-overdue questions. But—” “Every time you have sex you’re going to be pregnant? Yes.” Twilight fainted, and Celestia caught her before she hit her big round belly on the crystal floor. Luna let out a long sigh. “Who did she have sex with, anyway?” Celestia glared at the much-flustered Rarity on the other end of the Cutie Map, her mascara still running down her cheeks after a fight involving broken promises. “Wait, you mean we can get pregnant after homosexual intercourse!?” Celestia quirked an eyebrow. “I thought you’ve had that figured out? You know, with the bat ponies and all?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Luna lied, averting her eyes from the rest of the Elements of Harmony. “It was before your banishment when a thestral—” “When a thestral can keep her big damn mouth shut.” Celestia kept her big damn mouth shut.