I watched silently as Helping Hoof and Thundertail started to talk their way into a circle before the thirty minutes were up. It didn’t seem like much was accomplished between the two during the span of the entire meeting, but Helping Hoof promised to see him in a couple of weeks at the start of May for an hour and a half long session to make up for this one.
With that in mind, we left, Thundertail carrying me on his back on the way out the door. It was a bit warmer outside now, and we stood in place for a few seconds as Thundertail decided on what to do.
“We still have the whole day,” he told me, turning his head to look at me. “Was there anything you wanted to do?” I shook my head no, and he asked another question. “Do you… do you, um… want to tell me what’s bothering you…?”
I sighed. It was better to tell him right now and have him stop doing it than to let it fester. “I… don’t like what you said earlier,” I said quietly.
He raised an eyebrow at that, confused. “What did I say?”
“You said that drug users should be ashamed of themselves and were dumb,” I sniffed, “and it hurt.”
His eyes went wide at that. “I’m sorry,” he told me quickly. “I’m sorry. I don’t actually think that, Leo. I didn’t mean that.”
I sighed again. “It’s fine,” I whispered, silently thinking, “I’m already ashamed of myself and think I’m dumb.”
“I’m sorry,” he apologized again. “What I said isn't true. You- you're not mad at me, are you?”
“No, it’s fine,” I whispered again, closing my eyes and putting my head on his back. “It just hurts.”
I felt him wince at that. "Why don't we go get some ice cream or something," he said, trying to change the subject. "Do you want that?"
"I guess."
Thundertail spent the rest of the morning trying to apologize to me even after I told him I was okay. I did appreciate the effort though, and he did seem genuinely upset because of my being upset. Although my mood didn't improve much because of what Helping Hoof said. It’s not something that just goes away by ignoring it. That thought was frightening. I didn't want to start arguing with myself again, and I definitely didn't want that brutal itching to come back. It was almost more than I could stand before, and I didn't want to have to go through it again.
By the time noon came, we were back home, with Doctor Spark just making her way over as we entered.
"Good morning Leo, Thundertail," she called with a smile as she trotted up. "It looks like you two just made it back from someplace."
"We did actually," he told her casually. "Ice cream."
"I see…" she commented, trailing off, her smile dropping as she put her attention on me. "What about you, Leo? Are you feeling okay?"
"Yes. I'm okay."
"Actually," Thundertail interjected, "I have something to tell you before you two... uh…"
Doctor Spark had a questioning look on her face, and the stallion leaned into her hear, whispering something for several seconds. I knew it was about me being telling him that I didn't like what he said earlier just based on the look the mare gave me as he spoke to her.
"Okay…" she said slowly as Thundertail backed away from her.
"I didn't mean to though," he told her quickly.
"I understand. Why don't we go inside so I can talk with him?"
We went in, and I got off of Thundertail to take my place in the living room, laying down on the same spot of floor I always seemed to be in. "You know," she told me, "we don't have to be on the ground. We can sit on the couch or at the table if you'd like. Or even go someplace else entirely, like the park if you want."
"I'm fine," I told her simply.
"Okay," she started, laying down in front of me, "how are you feeling, Leo?"
"I'm okay," I told her, a response I seemed to be using a lot.
"Are you?” she asked, tilting her head slightly. I nodded, and she continued. “Thundertail told me you were upset earlier. Can you tell me what happened?”
This felt exactly what rehab was probably like, which I guessed was a good thing. But instead of telling her how I felt, I asked an important question. “What if my itching comes back?”
“Why would it come back?”
“Because I was dumb.”
“Please don’t say that about yourself, Leo,” she instructed. “You’re not dumb. And I don’t think you’ll be itchy again, or at least not as bad as you were before.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
“Well,” she started, “do you know what stress is?” I nodded again, and she told me, “I think that’s why you were itchy.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, slightly nervous.
She gave me a small smile, saying, “I’m sure.” I was about to reach one of my hooves up to start scratching when she put one of her hooves on top of mine, continuing, "And if it did come back, I'd be there to help you."
“What if I wanted to… take medicine again?”
“I’d be there to help you then, too.”
I was almost tempted to say she wasn't that helpful before, but changed my mind. She hardly ever asked if I wanted anything for my itching, unlike the other doctors, since she knew I would just say no. And the one time I asked, she was able to take my mind off of needing it. I decided that, if she weren't there, I'd probably still be suffering.
Then the smile dropped off of her face, and she continued, “Speaking of before, do you want to talk about what happened before you were in the hospital?”
She asked that question of me before, and I declined every time before. I was in the mood to decline again, but changed my mind, deciding to try and work with her. "Where do I start?" I asked.
"Wherever you want to."
I made a mental note to make sure what I said made sense from her perspective, then frowned and took a breath. "Um, when I first left where I lived," I started uncomfortably, "I was happy. But then I started to get scared."
"Why were you scared?" she asked, rubbing my hoof slightly.
"I don't know. I didn't want to be, and tried not to be, but I was."
"Is that why you bit yourself? Because you were scared?"
I flinched a tiny bit at that question, embarrassed. I felt better pretending a timberwolf did it to me. "I wanted to be dreaming, and thought I could wake myself up."
"It's okay to be scared. But you shouldn't hurt yourself, okay?"
I looked away from her, embarrassed, saying, "I know."
"Can you tell me why you were leaving?" she asked softly.
I hated when she asked that question, or questions like that, regarding this body’s past. The previous times, I felt some of this pony body’s memories come to me, and this time was no different. I hated it, and shook my head at her.
“I know you said you don’t want to remember,” she told me, “but I think you’d feel a little better if you talked to somepony. No pony will be mad at you, and you won’t get in trouble.”
Another memory saw its way to me. I was absolutely hating Blue Mist, and couldn’t bear to keep being pressed by Doctor Spark about what happened. I didn’t want to know what happened, but I felt like I was being forced into knowing. I huffed, tears starting to form for the second time that day, and asked, “Why do you keep asking me what happened?”
She wore a pained expression as she took a breath. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard,” she told me, making sure to stare right into my eyes, “but we need to know what happened so we can make sure your mom can’t hurt anypony again.”
I sniffed, and shook my head at her again. I knew I was probably making her frustrated. During my time in the hospital in Baltimare and the previous two sessions with her, she’d tried in multiple different ways to get me to talk, but I consistently declined, and wanted to do so now. However, this time she brought out a trick I knew she used on me before. She stared into my eyes, the sad look still on her face, and rubbed my hoof. I don't know what it was about what she was doing, but it got me to open up before, and I could feel it working now.
“I’m sorry Leo,” she whispered to me. “I know you’re hurting, but I really do think you’ll feel better if you told me what happened.”
Ivory Spark felt awful using the tactic she did. She didn't want to have to manipulate him into telling her what happened. But she needed to know, and had to get him to open up. There would be a trial against Blue Mist in a few weeks, and she would much rather speak in his place than have him speak. And the only way for her to do that was to know what happened.
She kept a mental record of the things he said to write down later, and tried to keep her questions to a minimum. She hated what she heard, but listened sympathetically anyway. While she listened, she also kept track of his reaction. While he was upset and shivering slightly at the memory, the way he spoke made it seem like he thought it was just something to add on top of everything else in his life. She hoped he didn't think that.
"I'm so sorry that happened, Leo," she whispered to the colt after he finished. She let a moment of silence hang in the air for a little while, before he broke it by simply telling her that he was fine.
"No, Leo, it's not fine," she told him. "Nopony should ever do those things to you. I know you think it's your fault, but it's not."
"It's my fault I'm here right now," he told her.
She hated that he thought that, but questioned him about it. "Can you tell me why you think that?"
Right then, he wanted to be honest and say he used to be a human. He wanted to say that he felt like he deserved it for screwing up before, but decided that she wouldn't believe him, and would just chalk it up to wanting to disassociate himself from what Blue Mist had done. So instead, he opted to say, "Because I'm just so stupid."
Ivory Spark winced. She felt like blaming himself, while representing confidence issues, might have also served as a sort of coping mechanism for him. His thought process might have been, “It isn’t that bad because it was my fault it happened.”
“Please don’t say that,” she told him. “You’re not stupid, and it’s not your fault for what happened. I know it hurts, but it’s going to get better, okay?”
Leo looked away from her. “I guess, but very slowly.”
The mare started at the colt sadly, taking in what he said. There was no way to argue with him on that. So instead, to make him feel better, she tried something different. "Is it okay if I gave you a hug, Leo?” she suddenly asked him.
The colt looked back up to the doctor, seemingly confused by the question, but still quietly answered, “Yes, please.”
She quickly picked up the colt in a hug, and he closed his eyes, resting his head against her chest. “It’s going to be alright,” she whispered. “It’s going to get better. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will.”