//------------------------------// // The Safecracker Suite: Déjà vu Edition // Story: Schultz Knows Nothing // by JustAnotherHistoryBuff //------------------------------// The day was going pretty good for Colonel Iron Eagle. For once, all of his paperwork was finished and complete on time and he was able to simply sit back and relax for once by the window of his office. The day was calm and clear, numerous new flyers soaring through the sky as they practiced their maneuvering and skills. The sight made him think back to his own younger days but he shuddered the thought immediately. The early times were good... But after that, it was a downward spiral from there. Sitting back in his chair, his wings stretched comfortably on his back as he lounged, he simply began to dose off but was interrupted by the sound of his door crashing down from it's hinges. "EAGLE!" A very familiar voice yelled. Immediately, his heart sank when he opened his eyes and saw who was standing in a fit of rage at the front of his former doorway... Major Hoofstetter. "Ah, Major Hoofstetter, such a pleasure to see you! To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from the EIS?" He managed to stammer out as he quickly sat up in his chair. "You know very well why I am here Colonel Eagle! Do not act like you do not know, the EIS knows everything!" Hoofstetter yelled back. "M-major Hoofstetter, I have no idea what this is all about. I can assure you that I have done nothing wrong at all! My office has a perfect administrative record and you know that very well." Eagle bravely said, shaking his hoof in the air. "Eagle, shut up before I make you take a trip to EIS headquarters." Hoofstetter threatened. "Yes Major, shutting up right now." Eagle conceded, fearful of Hoofstetter's threat. "Now Eagle... The reason why I am here is concerning your administrative record... If it was as clear as you say it is, then why did I get a tip off saying that you were dipping your hooves into the office's funds... EXACTLY WHAT GOT YOUR PREVIOUS OFFICE HOLDER REMOVED!" Hoofstetter yelled. "How can that be Major. Are you sure your sources are sound? I can prove that this is all a lie to destroy my record. I can have my secretary pull up the records for you ri..." Eagle began confidentiality, only to be cut off by Hoofstetter. "Bahh! The EIS's sources are never wrong. I can assure you Eagle that heads will roll as I WILL get to the bottom of this." Hoofstetter said before turning around to leave the office. He probably would've done so if it weren't for a certain large figure blocking the door. "Hoofstetter! What is the meaning of this? Why are you present in an Equestrian Military Base berating one of my subordinates and tearing down their doors as well?" The voice of Iron Eagle's superior, General Windbreaker, yelled out. "General Windbreaker, this is an EIS matter and does not concern the likes of you!" Hoofstetter said confidently. "When it involves one of my own officers as well as the destruction of base property, it definitely involves me Hoofstetter!" Windbreaker retorted, his will as strong and stiff as his gait. "Fine then... If the general wishes to know, recently, the EIS received a tip regarding suspicious activity in the area concerning the job of the dear Colonel right here." Hoofstetter began. "I would also like to remind the General that this matter is the exact same matter which saw the previous commander of this office be removed and sent off to EIS headquarters for advanced interrogation in regards to the sting that was being pulled." "Hoofstetter you idiot, if Eagle was spending funds from the budget for personal use, then he certainly wouldn't have gotten far without ME noticing." Windbreaker said. "Thank you General Windbreaker, as I was saying before to the Major here, I can provide all the paperwork..." Eagle began to ramble. "Eagle, shut up before I send you to the Changeling Front." Windbreaker said, immediately making Iron Eagle shudder at the thought of the front, his greatest fear. "Yes General, shutting up General." Eagle said with a quick salute to his superior. "Now Major Hoofstetter, about your so called source... I am sure you are aware of my own contacts within Canterlot..." Windbreaker began. While nopony was looking, Iron Eagle managed to slip a drink of Neighpa Valley wine to calm his nerves, sensing that the day was going to be a long one. *** *** *** The journey to Canterlot was quite quick even though they had to move under the cover of darkness in order to arrive there and avoid the paparazzi. Still though, the feeling of watching the rolling hills through the window of the Private Train car reminded Schultz of Germany, specifically Bavaria and Württemberg. When they got to Canterlot though, Schultz's (and every other human in the group) jaw dropped at the marvelous sight of the city on the mountain side. The beautiful white castle structures combined with the beauty of the night was astounding and quite mesmerising. If anyone of them had a camera, they would've gone through a whole roll of film before they even pulled up into the station. But that was all simply 12 hours ago. Now, Schultz, Hogan's men, and Twilight and her friends were all gathered in a back alley behind the EIS headquarters. Inwardly, Schultz thanked God for teleportation in Equestria as he was sure that we was not going to be able to fit through the sewer man (or pony) hole. Looking up at the imposing white structure, Schultz almost forgot to hear about the rundown of the plan. "Alright, so... This is the final rundown of the plan before we begin... I want everyone... And pony, to memorize it if you haven't already. Got it?" Hogan stated, getting nods from everyone. "Alright, so, while we enter by teleporting into Hoofstetter's office, Schultz, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity will keep watch on the outside while we crack the safe. It's simple, but it'll work. Got it everyone?" Hogan asked as confirmation. "Colonel Hogan, what happens if I am spotted? I cannot simply fit inside that manhole quickly." Schultz pointed out getting a thoughtful look from Hogan. Before Hogan could answer, Rainbow Dash decided she had the better answer. "Don't worry Schultzie, I'll knock whoever comes near us do they don't spot you." She said confidently. She was quite hotheaded and headstrong... The direct opposite of Colonel Klink. "Alright... We'll go with that... Any other questions or comments to point out?" Hogan got no answer from that. "Alright then guys, let's get to work." *** *** *** The whole basis of teleportation was very... VERY... Disorienting. And that is counting the fact that they had all bailed out of a plane before. Getting their bearings after teleporting nearly 5 stories up, Hogan, his men, and their pony companions, found themselves within a very... Drab office. There was some quite nice teak paneling and the walls above them were painted in a deep red... Everything else was bland and devoid of hu... Pony touch. But that was Hoofstetter, the pony copy of Hochstetter. Following the information that they learned from Celestia and Luna, they found the safe tucked away and hidden in a compartment under the carpeting and floorboards. This was apparently a rather recent change as they used to be kept in an secured filing cabinet until an incident happened involving a chaotic entity known as Discord. Apparently, that was Hoofstetter at his worst and even his own underlings had to get him under control before he reached his peak. While Twilight and Rarity kept watching, Pinkie Pie and Newkirk got to work cracking the safe, the former somehow pulling a stethoscope from her mane, much to the disbelief of them all but to the humor of the other two mares. After a few minutes, Newkirk's face formed a frown when he looked up from the safe. "Erm... Colonel, we got ourselves a problem." The corporal said. "Alright, lemme guess... Can't crack the safe?" Hogan said. "That bloody safe 'as got some sort of weird hex on in. I can't bloody crack it." Newkirk said in defeat. "Damn... Wait, Princess, can you come over here?" Hogan said, calling out to Twilight. "Oh... Yes, what is it you need?" She asked. "Newkirk says the safe can't be cracked by hand... Seems there is some sort of hex on it. Do you think explosives would work on it?" Hogan asked. "E-ex.... Explosives?" Twilight asked with a very puzzled look on her face. "Well... Nothing major of course. I mean something like uh... Thermite." Hogan said. "Well, given the charm that the safe has, I doubt it would be explosive proof... But wouldn't the thermite burn the documents?" She asked. "Well, if this Hoofstetter is smart, he would've put them in a fireproof case. Besides, isn't that what we are here to do anyways?" "Right... Sorry. But how are you going to get thermite in here?" She just gave Hogan the means to play his trump card. "Carter, do you still have some left over thermite in your pockets?" He asked the Sergeant. "Hm... Oh uh... No, Sorry Boy... I mean Colonel. We used it all up on that safe job we did a few weeks ago. Besides, I doubt we can find iron oxide and aluminum powder right now, considering the circumstances." Carter admitted. "Leave that to me!" Pinkie Pie suddenly said out of the blue, reaching into her mane and slowly pulling out the required materials for the thermite, leaving Hogan and the others stunned. "Hey Kinch... I think a trip to Klink's wine cabinet is needed when we get back." Hogan whispered into his XO's ear. "With all due respect Colonel, I don't think the wine is gonna cut it. We may have to send Schultz out on a supply run after this..." Kinch whispered back, earning a soft chuckle from Hogan. Within 30 minutes, they had all the documents and after Twilight cast a reconstruction spell, they left the office with surprisingly relative ease and no sort of incidents with any EIS officers inside the building. Now all that was left was to burn the documents.