//------------------------------// // A Night at the Gala // Story: The Continuing Adventures of Maud Pie, Extradimensional Parasite // by Borg //------------------------------// I may have been incautious in accepting Pinkie’s invitation to the Grand Galloping Gala. I can admit this. I’m not yet accustomed to being within the same city as Pinkie, let alone the same room. I believe you would describe the proximity as “intoxicating.” I can get erratic, as you may recall from last time, and there are many ponies watching. However, what else was I supposed to do? Would you expect me to ignore the ache of distance and turn down this opportunity to be near her? Remoras desire nothing more than to be close to their anchors. Would you expect me not to think that Pinkie would be suspicious if I said “No,” justifying what I wanted to do? I don’t know whether she actually would have been suspicious, but under the circumstances I can’t actually claim to care. “Isn’t this the most amazingly fantabulously fancy party you’ve ever seen, Maud?” Pinkie is bouncing excitingly beside me as we enter the Gala. “Yes,” I answer honestly. It’s also the second party I’ve ever seen; Pinkie only had time to throw me one party before I left for the Equestrian Institute of Rockology, and that party was less fancy. That seems to be all the response she was expecting, as she begins listing out every shiny part of the decorations followed by anypony with particularly shiny jewelry. The Elders could be right that the mysteries surrounding her make her the biggest threat to our secrecy, but often her behavior makes it easier to believe that she wouldn’t notice if I left my equine form right in front of her. On second thought, tonight will be no problem at all. "Maud! Jokes!" Pinkie cries in reference to what Discord is doing on the stage. "My favorite," I agree, giving her the benefit of the doubt. They don't sound like jokes to me. There is no notable incongruity or sudden shift of perspective, nor is Discord generally giving any reason for those listening to him to feel superiority. (That comment he made about Twilight Sparkle's flying ability might qualify, but probably only for the minority of the audience who can fly.) Also, nopony is laughing. However, I am still learning about humor. This must be some advanced type of humor that I'm not familiar with yet. I should pay attention. ". . . night on the town ends with a lesson about friendship." I seem to have missed the beginning of that joke. Oops. "Knock knock." I'm already familiar with this formula. I hope I didn't miss my chance to learn. After a brief silence, however, he continues "You're supposed to say 'Who's there?'! This is the most basic of jokes!" Then he smashes a watermelon. He seems to be aiming to juxtapose a formulaic joke beginning with an unexpected continuation. Now I'm starting to understand what he's doing, but still nopony is laughing. Maybe he's fishing for another reversal? "You're the most basic of jokes," I call out loudly enough for everypony to hear. "Good one, Maud!" Pinkie compliments my contribution. Laughter confirms that I successfully constructed a punch line to the joke. It was a pretty good one, too: it had an unexpected reversal of previous words, an implication of the target's inferiority, and incongruity in being delivered by an audience member. It might be my best joke yet. Discord isn't laughing, though. He appears to be angry. I forgot that the targets of jokes usually don't find them funny. That must not have been the punch line he was looking for. Wait. Discord is angry with me. I have attracted the attention of one of the most powerful beings in Equestria, and he is angry. In principle it isn't possible for any creature to notice anything suspicious about our disguises if we don't let them slip, but a creature notorious for not being bound by what should be possible is now paying attention to me. Buck. The repercussions of my actions are interrupted by a wave of green slime bursting out of a door behind me. As it oozes across the room it draws everypony's attention away from me. If I were capable of laughing in relief I assume I would now be doing so. However, it turns out to be rather sticky. Now that it's covered my hooves it's become difficult to move. And my hooves feel strange; it seem this slime has anti-magic properties. It's not enough to compromise my disguise, but now it is taking a small amount of effort to keep my true nature fully cloaked. Suddenly I am flipped on my back. Pinkie ought to be as trapped in slime as I was, but instead she's standing on me and using me as a raft. She must have teleported while I was distracted, but she shouldn't have been able to teleport once the slime hit her. My disguise is nearly unbreakable; anything that can strain it should render it impossible for a native to push out enough magic to teleport. And then she teleports again—just after we get out of your sight, actually—putting herself on a statue above the flood, despite the slime still dripping off her. Just how powerful is Pinkie? Have the Elders been right about her? And meanwhile having my back in the slime is making it harder to maintain my disguise properly, and apparently there are at least four creatures in the room who are powerful enough to notice even a slight mistake. It's fine, though. I can handle this. All I need to do is float, so there's nothing to distract me into making a mistake. A minute later the slime recedes, and my disguise still remains intact. Apparently the whole flood was that ooze creature Discord brought to the Gala, who is now giant for some reason and needed to be calmed down by Fluttershy's friend Tree Hugger. I don't really know what's going on; I wish I hadn't been keeping a prudent distance from Discord for most of the night, because I clearly missed something interesting that led up to this. At least I'm safe now. I would rather be confused than discovered, especially in a place like this. If there had been a flaw in my disguise here things would have gone extremely badly, so I'm relieved the danger is over. Suddenly the edge of the universe becomes extremely close as Discord opens a portal in the middle of the room. The strain nearly shatters my already-weakened disguise completely, even with Pinkie close enough to ensure that I remain solidly rooted in this universe. I belong out there, and when "out there" is in the room the attraction is strong enough to rip away a steady stream of my essence as it seeps out of the cracks in my disguise. Right now everypony seems to be focused on some altercation between Discord and Tree Hugger, but nearly any unicorn (or alicorn) in the room could, with a slight shift of attention, notice the trail of foreign magic pointing from them back to me. I need to get away from here. If I don't attract attention leaving the room, I have to hope that I can get far enough from the portal to get my magic under control—or at least under control enough that most ponies wouldn't notice—before I run into anypony else. Can I get to the entrance hall? I'd need to run past the portal to get there, and once I got close I don't think I'd even look like a pony anymore. Everypony would see that I was an impostor. Can I go to the gardens? There's a crowd of ponies by the door, and they'd notice me if I pushed past them. Would jumping through a window be too conspicuous? I think I could move quickly enough that nopony who reacted to the sound would get a clear look at me, but I would still be leaving a trail of magic. Somepony might notice the magic was strange, and if I was the only pony who disappeared they'd know I had to be the one it came from. I wish I could just give up and simply leave this universe entirely, but if I let go of my anchor I would go straight into the portal. I couldn't possibly fight the pull on my own. I don't know for sure what would happen then; no remora has ever been so close to a tear in a universe. However, I did once watch a cloud of gas falling into a black hole, and I don't want to be that cloud of gas. I don't want to give the whole room a lesson in what a remora's magic looks like, and I really, really don't want to do so by being torn to shreds. Going out a window seems to be the best plan I've got, and I'm about to try it when Pinkie is entirely enveloped in the ooze creature, along with most of her friends. I only barely maintain my grip on Pinkie. With that slime in the way she hardly serves as an anchor at all, and if I get any farther from her I won't be able to hold on, even if I would be getting farther from the portal at the same time. There's nowhere to run now. I can't get away from the portal. I don't even know if I can stay where I am without getting too tired to resist its pull, but I don't dare go any closer for fear that I'll be seen for what I am. All I can think to do is hide under the nearest table. I know it won't help; it won't even keep ponies from seeing me, let alone protect me from the portal. But doing something, even something futile, makes me slightly less afraid. Why did I come here? I knew there would be too public. I knew some of the most powerful ponies in Equestria would be here. I should have known it would be dangerous. I should have known Pinkie was dangerous. Why did I tempt fate? Was it really worth the risk just to be near my anchor? Now I'm about to be discovered, with every other remora in Equestria sure to follow once ponies know to look, and nothing I could do can stop it. There's nothing to do but wait for somepony to cry "What's that strange magic?" or "What's happening to her?" Any second, somepony will notice I don't belong. I can't stop them from noticing. There's nothing to do but hide. I know can't hide, but there is nothing else to do. I can't not hide. I'd pray if I knew anything to pray to. I'd pray if I just knew anything to pray for. There's no good way for this to end, but I just want it be over. Please just let it be over! Why hasn't anypony pointed me out yet? Ponies must be noticing by now. Are they just pretending not to know to torment me? Is this a joke to them? Does it make them feel superior to see me hiding under this table? Why don't they just do it already? What are they waiting for? Just capture me already! Please, get it over with! Do it! I know I'm going to be dragged out from under here, so just do it! Just make this be over. Please. When the portal vanishes, it is gone just as abruptly as it had appeared. I'm so focused on what's coming that I don't realize for a few seconds that the pull is gone. It's only when I start to feel grounded again—Pinkie must have gotten out of the ooze—that I notice that I can fix my disguise now. Not that I'm sure it matters; by now I'm probably surrounded by a crowd of ponies waiting with bated breath to see what the fake in their midst is going to do next. I take a moment to steel myself, and then I open my eyes. I don't see anypony near me. I look behind me; there's nopony there either. When I look forward again there is somepony approaching, but it's only a pegasus. "It's okay," he says when he gets close, "Discord seems to be under control now. It's safe to come out." He extends a hoof to help me up. I don't need his help, but I come out from under the table. "Thank you," I say because it's usually what ponies expect, and that seems to be an acceptable response. I check the room again, and there still doesn't seem to be anypony else paying attention to me. Have I really avoided notice? I suppose Discord made such a spectacular scene that nopony saw anything else. I take a moment to focus on the idea that I'm safe. Maybe the ponies who saw through my disguise are just planning to make a move later, but I'd like to believe I'm safe. So I tell myself that. It would be nice to be safe. I think I'm good enough at fear, and would like to stop now, so it would be nice to believe that I'm safe. "Hey Maud!" I tense as Pinkie comes bouncing over. "Wasn't that exciting? I bet nothing like that has never happened at the Grand Galloping Gala before!" She's treating me the same as always, at least. "It looked like it was scary for Tree Hugger, but scary can be fun sometimes." If she's figured out I'm not her sister she's not showing it. "And I've never seen a hole in the air like that! Do you think . . . " As she continues with no apparent need to breathe, her friends follow her over. None of them appear to be showing suspicion either. I don't think any of them noticed anything. I think I really did escape being found out. I'm not going to be able to relax completely until I'm safely on my way back to the Institute, but it seems like everything is okay. I'm actually going to be happy to go back to the Institute. Now that's humorous. I could almost smile.