//------------------------------// // Milk and Cookies // Story: Ponk Home, Virginia // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// Zucc told Pinkie off to where she could fuck. “It’s like he’s averse to breaking his own terms of service,” Maud said when Pinkie shared with her sisters the results of her plea for help via Instagram. “I just thought, y’know, if he’s helping us find bad guys there’s not really a loser here.”  Pinkie waved her hands. “Except Zucc’s multibillion dollar empire if anyone found out,” Limestone said. “So we need a different plan,” said Pinkie in resignation.  “Who can we ask in order to get more information if the tech billionaire has refused to help?” “Another tech billionaire?” said Maud.  “What’s Bill Gaits up to these days?” “He could only help us if they had Windows phones, and who has one of those?” Pinkie said dismissively.   “Elon Muskrat?” “Maybe with the drugs, but he’s a long way from Dashville.  Where would a Kirin go in this town? Maybe we should find somebody who knows where the local dealers are.” They all looked at Limestone. She had the good grace not to protest, but did at least cross her arms and look annoyed about it. The next day, the Pie sisters set out to score some drug dealers.  They met in the barn loft to assemble the plan. Pinkie was quite obviously too visible to be seen hanging around on those kinds of street corners.  Marble was not comfortable with the kind of conversations that would be required to wheel and deal. Their targets would probably not be comfortable approaching Maud. Unsurprisingly, the task fell entirely to Limestone.  Once more, she saw it coming and did not put up a fight, but did grumble a little. She pulled out her phone to get her dealer’s number.  “He goes by Captain Planet,” she explained. “Huh, how did a guy like that get involved with the harder stuff?” Pinkie said. “What do you mean?” “With a name like that, I would think he would just stick to pot.” “It’s not his real name.” “Ah, that explains it.  What’s his real name?” Limestone shrugged.  “I don’t know. I vaguely remember it as Corner Rule.” “Hmm.”  Pinkie considered it.  “You know, that name does also kind of work for a drug dealer.” “What are we going to tell him?” Maud asked, getting the conversation back to business.  “I doubt that he, out of respect for what they might do to him, will simply tell you about a group of Chinese gangsters.  If he even knows who they are.” “Well...maybe we can find a way to look around his place,” Limestone suggested.  “Maybe distract him or something and look for clues.” “This might be a problem,” said Pinkie.  “You’re the only one who knows anything about sifting through paraphernalia, but you’re also the only one who knows this guy and could keep him distracted.  That’s if the first part of the plan comes together.” “So we wait until he leaves and then we sneak in,” Maud suggested. “Well...he lives with his parents,” Limestone said. “Like, are they in on it?” Pinkie asked. Limestone raised her hands.  “I don’t exactly keep up with my drug dealer’s family situation.”  “Well, how are we going to get our foot in the door?” Pinkie said. “He was hanging around the party at the college,” Limestone suggested.  “We could say something about you. I didn’t tell him we were related, but it might be an angle.  Maybe tell him that you have all kinds of drugs so he would want to talk to you.” “Okay, but what if he wants samples or something?  I have plenty of baking supplies, but even a drug dealer, maybe especially a drug dealer, should be able to tell flour, sugar, and baking powder aren’t narcotics.” “I have an idea,” said Maud. She told them what she was thinking, and the others agreed that it could work.  None of them had a better plan. Limestone made the call.  She put the phone on speaker.  When Captain Planet, or whatever his name was, answered, she said, “Hey, you know how Ponk PK is in town right now?” “Yeah?” “So she had that show the other day, and I managed to meet her.” “Really?  How did you do that?” “Uh...it’s not important.” “It kind of is important!  That could be an incredible opportunity, if I knew how to talk to celebrities.  Both personally and professionally. Think of how many autographs I could get and how much product I could move.  So, how did you do it? Does she have sex with groupies?” Limestone stuttered and looked around her group of sisters.  Pinkie covered her eyes, cheeks going pinker than normal. But, going with that it was easier than coming up with something else on the spot.  She gestured for Limestone to continue. “Yes, I fucked Ponk PK,” Limestone said, looking like she wanted to gag. “You sly dog!” Captain Planet crowed.  “So all I have to do is get with her.” “Well, she’s only into girls,” Limestone hurriedly added.  “But that’s how I can help you, I can be the go-between. And speaking of moving product, she’s actually looking to sell.” “Wait, what?” “Yeah, she just came up from Miami and her whole trailer is full.  She’s got some brand new stuff, but she doesn’t have a local connection - like you - to take it to the streets.” “Brand new stuff?” “Yeah, it’s called Dippin’ Dots.” “Dippin’ Dots?  Like the ice cream?  Groovy.” “You want a sample of this?  Should I come by your place?” “Yeah, let’s do it.” He gave her the address and Limestone said she would be there.  She hung up the phone. “I can’t believe he bought that. ‘Dippin’ Dots.’  Seriously.” “Did you have a better idea?” Maud said.  She indicated a plastic bag of tiny, pale-pink spheres that could very well have been strawberry Dippin’ Dots. It was industrial ammonium nitrate, commonly called ANFO, and was used at the quarry as one ingredient in explosives for blasting rock. Limestone stood up and put the bag in her pocket.  “Alright, let’s do this.” They piled into the car and drove to the address Limestone had been given.  It was in New Town, though on an older street that might have been there fifty years.  They drove past the house without stopping, to get a feel for it. There was a garage, but also a beater car parked in the driveway. “That’s Captain Planet’s; I’ve seen him driving it,” Limestone provided. “Did you say he lived with his parents?” Maud said. “Well, if that was a problem, would he have invited me over?” “Okay Limestone, you distract him and the rest of us will handle things,” Pinkie said. “What are you going to do?” “Well, not knowing anything about what or who we’re going to find, it’s going to have to be played by ear.  Fortunately, I’m a master at improv. A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.” “Are we sneaking into a drug dealer’s house or are you putting on a clown show?” Limestone demanded.  “What kind of wackadoodle shit is this?”  “I’m basing it on the early Bozo era, where physical gags were often nonsensical and intended to garner entertainment based purely on the absurdity.” “Pinkie,” said Maud, “If you know so much about wackadoodle, you should write a book about it and get it out of your system.” Pinkie did acknowledge that they had something a little more important going on. They stopped the car a block away and everyone except Limestone got out.  She turned around and drove back to the house while Pinkie and the others went a street over to approach from behind. “I guess we’ll have sneak into the back yard without anybody noticing us, see if the parents are home, and then go from there,” Pinkie said.  She paused and turned to her sisters. “Maud...I’m going to say this in the nicest possible way, but you’re about as subtle as a truck.” “I know.”  Maud turned.  “You two sneak in.  I’ll keep lookout.” Marble looked anxious, but followed Pinkie.  They peeped through the gaps in the back fence, and then helped each other to climb over it.  Pinkie hadn’t climbed trees and rock piles with her sisters in a decade, but the old memories came back, cooperatively giving each other legs-up and handholds. She shook the past out of her mind for the moment, focusing on this secret mission the War Council had sent her on.  The stakes were somewhat higher than throwing rocks at Sour Grapes. Dropping down in the back yard, Pinkie and Marble hustled to the house, rounded the enclosed porch, and knelt out of view of the windows.  It seemed their infiltration had been successful, but the objective was not yet complete. Pinkie knelt, inching towards a basement window that was open an inch, careful to keep from casting shadows through it.  From somewhere around the front of the house, she faintly heard a doorbell ring. Pinkie had thoughtfully set her phone to silent mode, but still nearly jumped as it vibrated.  She glanced at it. Maud had sent a text. Limestone’s in. Near-simultaneously, there was some movement in the basement and Pinkie hastily drew back from the window.  Someone’s footsteps clumped up the stairs. Peeking back through the window, the basement appeared to be somebody’s crash pad.  Certain aromas coming through the slightly open window reinforced this. Maybe Captain Planet lived in the basement.  Though, if he lived with his parents, why not just continue using his childhood bedroom? Not that Pinkie understood how normal families worked. Marble stood on her tiptoes and looked through the first floor window.  “Hm!” Pinkie, too, stood upright to see what was going on.  Captain Planet, who seemed a little crusty and wore a headband and a patchy mustache, was sitting with Limestone at the kitchen table.  A plump woman in a frilly apron was serving them cookies. Pinkie was somewhat disappointed that this window wasn’t open so she could smell this smell. If Limestone could just hold him there, it was a perfect opportunity for Pinkie to sneak into the basement.  She knelt again and pulled the basement window open wider. She nodded to Marble to watch her back, and wiggled inside.   The smell of uncleanliness and a few types of smoke got stronger as Pinkie dropped into the room.  She glanced around. There was old furniture and couches. It looked like more than one person lived there - or was it just for hanging out?  No, there were definitely a few suitcases in the back. Pinkie had just started to take a closer look when her phone vibrated. There was an “Eep!” from outside as Marble read the same message from Maud: Kirin inbound. How were they here!?  Surely Pinkie hadn’t done anything to alert them to her presence.  Unless… Pinkie looked at the suitcases again. Oh no. She turned immediately for the window.  Marble gave her a hand and she scrambled out.  Standing up, Pinkie brushed herself off and turned to speak to Marble, but came face to face with Captain Planet’s mother, who had apparently stepped out on the back porch to shake out a rug. “Oh, um, hi!” said Pinkie, her hand shoving Marble down by the head to keep her out of sight. “Can I help you?” the woman asked skeptically. Pinkie’s mind was racing, trying to come up with a good excuse.  Limestone had to get out of the house. They couldn’t leave via the front because the Kirin were coming.  Marble was still undiscovered, but that might not last. But first things first, Pinkie had to plausibly explain why she was there. “I’m sorry about this,” said Pinkie, raising her hands.  “Your son invited me over and I think I got lost.” The woman’s demeanor changed instantly.  “Oh, it’s no trouble, dear! Here, come inside, I just baked cookies.  Someone else is over right now. It’ll be like a little party.” Pinkie realized she’d said exactly the wrong thing.  Now she was expected to go inside, and it would look even more suspicious to refuse now. But...a party?  Maybe she could work with this. Captain Planet’s mom ushered her inside.  Pinkie hoped Marble would be alright. She was probably already messaging Maud with the news.  Hopefully Maud wouldn’t immediately bulldoze the front door. They didn’t have much time, but maybe Pinkie could- She was led into the kitchen.  Limestone had apparently also gotten Maud’s message and looked like she was trying to disengage the conversation.  She and Captain Planet looked up. “I found one of your friends,” the older woman said, presenting Pinkie in a manner that suggested she was emulating Vanilla Smiles on Wheel of Fortune. Captain Planet nearly fell out of his chair in surprise.  Limestone looked like she was about to have an aneurysm. “Here you go, dears.”  Another plate of cookies landed on the table.  “I’ll just leave you three alone now.” Captain Planet’s mom bustled out of the room. “How-what…?” Captain Planet stammered. “Close, it’s actually Ponk PK.”  Pinkie winked and gave him finger guns, attempting to keep his startled paralysis going.  She turned. “Limey, we need to-” The front door opened. “-go to the restroom!” Pinkie blurted as she pulled Limestone to her feet.  “You know how girls always go together. We’ll just be-” “You can’t leave yet!” Captain Planet seemed to have worked through his daze and jumped up.  “This is so cool! My friends have to meet you!” “I’m really sorry, I-” “That’s probably them right now!”  He turned towards the front of the house.  “Hey guys!” Out of the corner of her eye, Pinkie saw Limestone’s fist draw back.  But, in a sudden inspiration, she raised her hand, stopping Limestone and probably saving Captain Planet’s jaw. Pinkie glanced at Limestone, eyebrows bouncing. Uncertainty was written on Limestone’s face, but she reluctantly followed Pinkie in sitting back down at the table.  That was how they met the four Kirin coming in. “Surprise!” Pinkie exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.  Her emergency pocket confetti went everywhere. Autumn Blaze and her associates certainly looked surprised.  The three Kirin behind Autumn were all wearing various bandages and braces.  One in particular looked like he had been thrown facefirst through a table. “What’s going on?” Autumn said, recovering. “Can you believe it?” said Captain Planet, missing her tone completely.  “Ponk PK is here!” “When I found out where you were staying, I thought you could use a cheering-up,” said Pinkie, addressing Autumn.  She gestured to the cookies. “I thought I would throw a little party for y’all.” Autumn was savvy enough to realize something strange was going on, so Pinkie kept pushing to keep her off balance.  “We haven’t really had a chance to talk, between everything that happened. Why don’t you sit down and take a load off?” “Where are the rest of you?” Autumn asked, glancing pointedly between Pinkie and Limestone. “It’s not the Pies you see that you have to worry about.  Now have a seat.” Still reluctant and still sensing something amiss, but apparently not seeing another option, the four Kirin sat down.  The table was getting a little crowded, but there were enough chairs.   Pinkie picked a cookie and dunked it in her glass of milk.  “Now, let’s discuss this kidnap-and-torture business.” “Huh?” said Captain Planet. “We already told you what was going to happen,” said Autumn.  “It’s not open for discussion.” “Of all the things you talk about, that’s off limits?”  Pinkie shrugged. “Okay. Well then, let’s talk about you being here in Dashville.” “Which kind of ties into the kidnap-and-torture business,” Limestone pointed out. Autumn shot her a look, but Pinkie waved her fingers, pulling the attention back to herself.  “Hey. Look at me.” Pinkie locked eyes with Autumn.  She’d never really noticed the Kirin’s yellow eyes before.  Interesting color. Maybe an interesting implication on the soul.  Something something windows. Pinkie forced her train of thought back on track, now that she was fully in command of Autumn’s attention.  “So tell me, Autumn Blaze, just what makes you think this is going to end how you want? I threw this party for you. So, you can cry if you want to.” The look on Autumn’s face slipped a little further.  Her control of the situation - in the room as well as in Dashville - was eroding fast, and she knew it.  Pinkie absently flicked her hand at Limestone, but didn’t break her stare at Autumn “Maybe it’ll be your blue eyes crying in the rain,” Autumn replied. Pinkie cracked up laughing.  “That’s a good one! I need to remember that.  Selfie!” She whirled around in her chair, holding up her phone to snap a picture of herself and everyone sitting around the table.  Turning back, she typed a quick caption. “...crying in the rain. Ha!” Limestone was notably absent from the photo, not sitting at the table anymore.  Pinkie did not point it out. She put the phone back in her pocket and addressed Autumn again, though she hadn’t taken her eyes off her even while typing.  “I didn’t figure you for a country music fan.” “I’m not, but you people don’t have anything else to listen to around here.” “That’s Dashville for you.  Funny thing about this place.  You know, it may not be my home anymore, but it’s still my hometown.  My people live here. And you know, I may even have to thank you for this, for bringing me back to them.  Even if they do listen to country. “But music’s good.  It puts a little soul into our lives.  You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said the last time we met.  You said you were soul searching, you were hollow with nothing but an echo inside, you went mad in the wilderness. “But Autumn Blaze, I think I can help you with that.”  Pinkie raised her hands, leaning into her speech. The fervor had seized her, somehow stronger here in this suburban kitchen surrounded by drug dealers than it ever had in church.  Maybe because of what was at stake. She put her hand out, reaching across the table to Autumn. “I will give you your purpose - that is to pay penance for your deeds.  You will be filled by my determination, and you will know the error of your ways.  This town is not your place, and you shall be delivered from your wanderings. You will know that I am the beat and the rhythm when I pound you back into harmony with your fellow wretched creatures!  The disharmonious will know there is a song in the wild when its rhythm is beaten into their discordant hides!” Autumn’s phone beeped. “Aren’t you going to get that?” Pinkie said. Autumn jerked in her chair as if a spell had been broken.  “It’s just an Instagram notification.” She paused, brow wrinkling.  “You...are the only one I have notifications turned on for.” “Weird,” said Pinkie.  She smiled. Autumn started to move.  Limestone hit her in the back of the head with a frying pan, slamming Autumn’s face into the table.  Donk-crack! The others were still in the process of reacting when Pinkie flipped the table.  She may have been ten years’ out of practice strength training at the quarry, but she’d always wanted to flip a table and wasn’t going to miss the opportunity.  Autumn was knocked limply back into one of her henchfolks. The plate of cookies got another in the face, and Pinkie’s glass of milk hit the third. “I can’t believe that worked,” Limestone muttered.  She glanced at Pinkie and shook her head. Turning to survey the mess, she said, “Did you seriously just post a selfie in the middle of that conversation?” “I actually didn’t,” said Pinkie.  She checked her phone. The top post was a picture of Marble in a pink wig, posing in front of a black BMW with a Florida tag.  Soft Eyes had already heart’d the post. “What...what just happened?” Captain Planet asked dumbly, still sitting in his chair. “I think your mom’s not going to like this,” Pinkie predicted.