Ponies across Equestria celebrate Salt Day today. Although I can't celebrate doesn't mean I can't give some advice on how to celebrate it to the fullest.
And can I fly? There is only one way to find out.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. If we can't have it, neither can you. So we sent out a group of armed ponies to your house to destroy all your belongings.
Now the day is among us where salt across Equestria is legal. Now, if your finally legal enough to have salt and don't know what to do on this day, you are in luck. For I, Anonymous, will tell you about some sick ass tricks to make you look like a badass. . . even though you aren't and just a shut in who masturbates to pictures of their friend when their gone.
But that's beside the point. You came here for advice on your first day of Salt Day. And I shall deliver.
Number one, get the most strong salt edibles you can. That would be salted pretzels, tortilla chips, and even salted hay fries. What? No! You will not be eating them alone! That'd be crazy. You would knock your self out before you even get an hour into Salt Day. That is what's going to bring us into advice number dos.
Bring invite your friends to your house. Don't have friends? Then skip to number three. This part isn't really needed per say. Anyways, bring all your best mates because when you guys get fucked up on some good ass salted nuts, you will have the best conversation you ever had.
Three, you are going to travel to a Salt Day friendly town. Yes, there are some places that are not so keen on the idea of salt being used in their city. So make sure if your area is good to go or not.
This next part is fun. Makes some art! Yes. You heard me. Make some art while your high of your balls. So, when you become sober, you can see all the weird shit you made. I personally made some rather lewd things of a particular bat pony. I was pretty surprised when they actually bought it off of me for only five bits.
Now, assuming your already high, this next part shall complete your journey to the dark side- I mean, should complete your day of Salt Day. Go to a Salt Day Event. Music, salty munchies, and a bunch of besties hanging out in the same place? What's not to love! At these events, you will often find great prices on different products that you have never tried before or even get to sample some other products. Please however if you are getting to a Salt Day event, consume within your limit and don’t mix different substances. . . nah I'm fucking with you. Get fucked up my dude!
Now go out there, get high, get laid, and have some fun.
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Click.
"Guess who got letters~ guess who got letters~ wonder who it's from!"
I swear to god, if it's more Playstallion subscription I will literally burn this place down.
"Wha- no! It's letters from our fans."
We have fans?
"Oh shut it. Here, open this one first."
Have you ever jizzed on the cakes in Celestia's royal stash and made subtle double-entendres while she's eating them?
-bronyoftherevolution
"Ew, what the fuck?"
No, never. But. . . hmmm.
"Don't tell me your actually thinking about it?"
Hey, I'm always up for ideas.
"I will punch you."
Ok, ok, chill. Hand me another.
Anon, how did you end up in Equestria?
-Hotel_Chicken
"Yeah. How did you end up here? You never told me."
Um, well, it wasn't that exciting. I remember walking into the bathroom and then, poof! I'm here! In the castle and in the need to shit badly.
"Damn it! I lost the bet."
What?
"Yeah, there was a bet going on about how you came here. Mine was that you came here via spaceship."
Damn. . . that would of been way cooler. Anyways, to the next one my friend.
Anon: The Mane 6, snog, marry, kill, inconvenience? Go!
-The Baron
Rainbow Dash, Seven Nation Army, maybe, and inconvenience? I think not!
"What?"
Nothing. Hit me the next one.
Did you ever have a gun with you in Equestria? If so did you use it?
-Theprophetice
"Oh! Is he talking about this L shaped-"
Bang!
I told you not to touch that!
"Sorry, sorry!
Guess that answers the first part of that. But the only time I probably use it is when I go hunting. But I'm running low on ammunition, so I might have to check out that duplication pond that we got reports of.
"Wait, you go hunting? Can I come with next time?"
Maybe. Now, pass me another.
Anon, what’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?
-vortex123
Probably the time when I put Poison Joke in Luna's breakfast. Hehe. Should of seen it. She grew four times her size.
"I couldn't hold back my laughter when she spoke. Her voice sounded so high pitched!"
Ha! You should of seen her during the diplomatic meetings. Never seen minotaur laugh so much.
"Ha! Surprised Luna didn't do anything to you."
Oh she did. My dreams were horrible.
"You poor bastard."
Yeah, never did that again, that's for sure.
"Here's another."
Anon? How are you uploading these podcasts when there is no internet in Equestria.
-Sigmacipher
We are actually doing this via radio. Still surprising though. Didn't expect them to have radios with them this developed.
"I still can't believe you can access all that porn with such a small device. I hope to see it one day."
Oh man, if you do, we are going to have the best porn marathon ever. Now, pass me another.
Would you help Starlight Glimmer if she tried to recreate Soviet Union to Equestria? Cyka Blyat.
-Sanya
And help a off brand motha Russia? Nah. What I would do is help her take over, then back stab her. Because most likely, she will rename Equestria to something stupid. I would name Equestria to Soviet Russia, change my name to Stallin, and have Stella be my second in command. Then I shall show them the true power of motha Russia!
"Should I be concerned, Anon?"
Nope. . . probably. Hey, hand me another.
So how did Stella meet Anon
-Unsketched
Funny story actually. I was lost in the castle, trying to find my room. I thought I found my room, so I opened the door and found myself in the storage room. Guess who I found in there? It was-
"Me, relieving myself. The perv stood there for a solid five minutes. I knew he was there. I even tried putting on a little show for him. It was only then when I finished, did I say-"
"Hey, you going to stand there or are you going to rut me like the little slut I am." I don't think I dropped my pants as fast as I did there before. Good times.
"Was I really your first, here in Equestria?"
Hell yeah. Without a human female in sight, I was blue balled to high heaven. It was a great relief doing that with you.
"That always brings me great pride. Anyways, here's the next letter."
Is this the Krusty Krab?
-CharacterRoulette
No, this is Patrick.
"I thought your name was-"
Just a reference, Stella. The next one please.
Anon, are there any news of the battle between Chrysalis and Cadance yet? And did Celestia launch her surprise attack on those two already, or is she still preparing?
Also, how did the negotiations with the blizzard go?
-PonyDragon
Um, don't let Chrysalis or Cadance know this, but Celestia molested them to hell. Both of them actually bribed me into not reporting about it. And the negotiations between Celestia and the blizzard are still going on. The blizzard being stubborn.
"So that's how we got all those bits. Thought you were doing illegal activities."
I won't turn to that, Stella. At least not yet. Another ma'am.
"The last one is a bucket with a letter inside. Weird. Here you go."
There are many like it and this one is mine. Rate it.
-Omegaxxx
Uh, I would say a solid eight out of ten. But the best I can do is 4 bits. Final offer.
"Well that's the final one. See ya Anon."
Audios.