//------------------------------// // Chapter 13 // Story: READ THIS STORY TO [REDACTED] INSTANTLY // by darf //------------------------------// Cozy Glow was deep into a report when Lyra and Bonbon knocked on her door. She buzzed them in, and the door swung open, but she didn't raise her eyes from the dossier in front of her, and she continued scanning it even as Lyra and Bonbon entered the room and took up their spots in front of her desk. "Status report," she said, eyes moving side to side over the detailed text. "We were unable to reobtain the anomalous object-slash-entity-question-mark," Bonbon said, standing tall and holding herself sternly in position. "Anomaly designation SCP-XX69 is at present unaccounted for. We've been able to surmise from various localized disturbances that the object is either acting autonomously and interfering with the well-being of the nearby populace, or that somepony in possession of the anomaly is using it for a similar purpose." "You think somepony stole it?" Cozy Glow raised an eyebrow and looked up from her paper. Lyra shrugged, but Bonbon maintained her posture and gave a reserved nod. "Affirmative. The pattern of encounters isn't stochastic enough to suggest an autonomous operation. It seems like somepony's plan," Bonbon said, her voice ushering the final syllables uneasily. "Somepony using it. Dangerously." "What's so dangerous about a romance book?" Cozy Glow asked. "Well, as it indicates in the safety report, the object, while it appears to be a book, may in fact be a sentient anomalous entity capable of reconfiguration at a molecular or even subatomic level." "Uh-huh. And why is that dangerous?" "The book is of particular hazard to ponies who, um... haven't been 'intimate' in at least a seventy-two hour period before contact with the object," Bonbon said. She shuffled her hooves uneasily, unable to keep her gaze steady. "Seventy-two hours?" Cozy Glow asked. Bonbon nodded. "At maximum," she added. "Really, even a few hours, with the right pony, could result in—" "I think I've heard everything I need to," Cozy Glow said. She kicked her legs up onto her desk and leaned back in her oversized chair. "I'll call for you if I require any further information." Bonbon nodded and bowed. She turned to leave, but noticed on her way to the door that Lyra was still standing in place, staring at the director behind her desk, or more particularly, at the bookcase immediately behind her. One of the books had actually been read, from the looks of things. Cozy Glow didn't notice at first, but after a little while Lyra's presence became obtrusive, and she couldn't help but look up to find the mint-green pony still staring steadfastly in her direction. "Yes?" Cozy Glow said. "Is there anything else you need, agent? You're dismissed. Didn't you hear?" "I didn't take you for much of a reader," Lyra said. She walked down to the end of Cozy Glow's desk where the flat-screen monitor was, then around to the other side, strolling closer to Cozy's chair with every step. "Most of your entertainment beeps or vibrates, doesn't it?" "I beg your pardon, agent?" Cozy Glow sat up fully in her chair, which, even at her diminutive height, gave her an imposing presence, especially coupled with the stern stare and forelegs crossed across her chest. The glare was particularly debilitating, even at a distance. "Just noticed this," Lyra said, tapping a spot on the wall-covering bookcase behind Cozy Glow's desk. "Figured most of these were just for show, but one of them is missing, and there's something else in its place..." "You're not both implying that the Director stole the object, but also that she hid it in plain sight for anypony to see?" "That, is exactly what I'm implying. And I think if you check this particular volume, you'll see my guess is more or less one hundred percent—" "Ahh! Lyra!" A burst of bright blue magic shot across the room from Cozy Glow's chair directly towards Bonbon, a star-studded burst of fireworks that was so big and brilliant it knocked her off her hooves and sent her flying, landing with a loud and unpleasant-sounding thud against the ornate wooden door. The explosion from the burst of magic was enough to give Lyra pause for just a moment, to almost dive for Bonbon before it blew her back, shielding her face and eyes with a raised foreleg and her Mark I specs... Cozy Glow jumped out of her chair and dived for the bookcase while the blue dust of the explosion was still settling, and she snatched the book of Lyra's interest from its place as she tumbled past, rolling over herself a few times before ending up in the corner of the room, panting, at the far end of the just-for-show bookcase. "Told ya," Lyra said, before getting back to her hooves and rushing to check on Bonbon. Her partner seemed scuffed, but nothing was broken, and she managed to get up with only a shoulder to lean on for assistance. That did still leave the matter of— "Neither of you move, or I'll open this thing and turn you both inside out!" Cozy Glow said. She was holding SCP-XX69 at face level, shielding herself with it like... well, a shield. The cover had been reconfigured again, this time with the subtitles reading WE BET YOU'LL ENJOY OPENING THIS RIGHT NOW AND READING EVERY WORD. 'Enjoy' looked especially strange and wiggly. "Out of all the anomalous object you could have taken, why this one?" Bonbon asked. "I know Ponyvillains aren't really known for explaining their motives in elaborate speeches just before their thwarted, but I thought maybe, just this once..." "Hey, I told you that was a good word!" "Hush, Lyra." Cozy Glow seemed to consider the proposition, by which it could be said she at least didn't flip the cover free and expose the two agent ponies to an eldritch plumbing of their psychosexual depths. But the possibility hovered there, just as Cozy's hoof did at the edge of the cover, and it would only take one word in their eyes to turn the tide. One word without those stupid glasses... Bonbon had reached the conclusion long ago that her eyes were worth protecting indiscriminately, but she wasn't ready for the direct and forceful approach of Cozy Glow's magic, which was to instead target the area of her head just around her sunglasses, make her jerk forward and then throw her head back, and sure enough, the tiny black vision protectors were hurled across the room, landing with a scuttling sound somewhere below a desk or file cabinet, or one of those fake books, maybe. Lyra's glasses did the same behind hers, flying in the opposite direction, but still moving generally too far away to be of any use. Both their eyes were exposed, and Cozy Glow was smirking, her horn settling with a faint glow from her heavy use of magic. "Come on, Director. You don't wanna do anything rash," Lyra said. "Come one step closer and I'll give you a rash," Cozy Glow said, holding the book out in Lyra's direction. “Right on your [REDACTED].” Lyra shrank away from it and shielded her eyes with her foreleg. "Look, there's no reason anypony has to get hurt. Why don't you just set the ess see pee... argh. Why don't you just set that thing down and we'll talk this over?" Cozy Glow shook her head. "Nuh-uh. Somepony always talks me out of my evil plan. Not happening this time. I found something way better than friendship." "Sex is not better than friendship," Bonbon said with a huff, her eyes narrowing angrily even though she might be only seconds from a messy, embarrassing demise. "Not sex. The ability to debilitate anypony at a whim. Or kill them. That's what I found." "Oh. You know, I don't really feel like that might be so much better than—" "Silence! Feast your eyes on these lustful passages, and give yourself up to the power of libido-wrangler, Cozy Glow!" Bonbon shrieked and attempted to shield her eyes, but she could already see the first page coming out, she could see the text embossed at the top of the pseudo-paper... But then Lyra was in the way, and that was enough shield to block everything, except Lyra's face, which was dead set staring on the open 'book'. She had one eyebrow raised, and seemed to be confused. "Is something supposed to happen?" she said. She yawned and scratched her mane. "I'm reading it, but nothing's happening. Some kind of story about flowers?" Lyra yawned again, her eyelids fluttering sleepily. "Yeesh. Does this get any better?" "Let me see that," Cozy Glow snapped. She pulled the book away from Lyra's face and opened it to investigate for herself, somewhere in the middle section, it didn't matter as long as there were words on the page... "Oh," Cozy Glow said. "Oh no," Cozy Glow said. "Why are there so many stories about me," she said. She began to sweat and blush simultaneously. "Why are so many of them with this, this, weird question-mark guy..." Cozy's brow began to pool with beads of perspiration. Her mane dampened and her curls straightened, her entire forehead doused in sweat. "Why... Why do I sound so stupid in so many of them... Why do I... keep repeating the same words... over and... over and... over and..." "Duck," Lyra said. "Goose," Bonbon said. "No, I mean get down—" "IIIIIKKKUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—" Pop. Or 'splat', perhaps more accurately. There was a lot of mooshy stuff. At least their hooves didn't get sticky again.