"Guards! Alert! There's a giant monster attacking the city!"
That was one of the many muffled shouts that came from the sun princess's bedroom. At this rate, the guards outside her room would have to remove their ears to drown out the ramblings.
"Sheesh Mike, it's my first day on the job and this is what I have to do? Protect a drunken, rambling princess?"
Mike, in his everlasting wisdom, sagely nodded his head.
Mitch facehooved. "I worked for years to get this spot on the castle guard roster...I regret everything."
"Wee-Woo-Wee-Woo-Wee-Woooooo"
"I wonder what she's doing in there..."
Mike beckoned Mitch to come closer, leaning into the other guards ear.
Whispering something barely audible into his compatriots ear, Mitch's pupils went wide with fascination.
"Wow. I pity the poor sucker who has to read that letter."
Mike only nodded again, returning his stare to the hallway before him.
Meanwhile, Inside the Royal Chambers...
"Those guards...they know nothing about my harsships. I bet they have it so easy!" The sun goddess shouted, rolling around her bed and messing up the sheets. "THEY don't have to raise the sun..."
Celestia bent over, levitating a bucket to her muzzle. "The only one who understands me is Luna," The princess got up from her now-ruined bedspread. "Luna...I need to talk to her about stuff. IMPORTANT stuff..."
Just as the princess was about to fall through her door, a letter manifested before her eyes.
"Well well well, it seems it's time to re-kindle the fire!"
Celestia opened the hatch to her fireplace and gently started to slide the letter in...with little success.
The princess wore a look of disgust. "GET IN THERE YOU LITTLE...You little...ah never mind."
Deciding that the letter was far too powerful to simply be burnt, Celestia opened it.
The goddess donned her glasses. "Dear Princess, blah blah, sewer systems, etc, etc. The magic of friendship banished the squid monster back to Tartarus. Signed, Your most faithful student
"Twilight Sparkle. Hurumph. I've done much cooler things than defeat inter-dimensional deities...like..." Celestia scratched her head. "I'll think of something."
Celestia paced back and forth around her room, aggravated her buzz was coming to an end.
"Twilight Sparkle...Twilight Sparkle...AH HA!"
Levitating a quill and parchment to her desk, Celestia began to write.
"I think it's time that Twily here got a letter from her princess, reminding her how much more great I am!"
To my most faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle, it has come to my attention that you are trying to one-up me by defeating MY monsters. I'm just writing to remind you that this will not be the case. You think you're my favorite student? Well you're not. I've always liked Applejack more. That's right. Feel bad yet? If you said yes, you can stop reading. If not, please continue. Yes, Applejack was always my favorite. Her strength, her kindness, her...cider,
Celestia started drooling but stopped when knocking came from her door.
"Princess, are you all right? You haven't said anything for a whi--"
"Buck you Mike!"
"Actually, it's Mitch and--"
"MITCH! Do you know what Tartarus is like? Well if you keep it up you're going on a one-way trip there!"
There was no response.
"Mitch, I was JOKING! Mitch buddy, speak to me!"
Celestia heard whispers at the door again, but no response.
"Ahh, who needs you anyway..."
The goddess returned to her letter.
"Now where was I,"
Cider, it's simply divine! Where's your cider Twily? I've never gotten a discount at your library now have I? Thankfully the Apple family lets me have ALL the cider I want. You know why? Because I'm the boss. I raise the sun and you don't. Authority. Maybe you should start respecting me more...maybe cut auntie Tia a deal at your library? I haven't eaten a good book in a LONG time, and I hear your romance novels are something to be desired. Not to mention the mounds of fanfics you write. Didn't see that coming huh? That's right. I know. You think that you could keep that a secret forever,
Celestia stopped again.
The sun goddess's face turned to a grimace as she started towards the bathroom. "Oh dear Faust, I'm going to be sick..."
Barely making it into the bathroom in time, Celestia keeled over into the toilet.
An immortal sun goddess vomiting is nothing to be admired. With her head completely in the toilet, Celestia released the flood-gate of her stomach. The sight...horrifying. The smell...disgusting. The sound...oh dear Celestia...the sound.
Wiping her muzzle against the cloth in the bathroom, the intoxi-lestia shambled back over to her desk, gripping the quill once again with a fore-hoof, unable to maintain a stead enough magical current to levitate it.
"Sheesh, what have I done to myself? I suppose," the deity yawned. "I suppose I should just get to bed and," Celestia turned around, staring dead center at her back wall. "Psyche! You thought I would just go to bed...didn't you wall? Well...I'm not done YET!"
"Did you hear that?"
Mike nodded.
"Does she do that often? I mean, shout at the walls?"
Mike only nodded again.
"Oh. I see."
Once again, the immortal deity 'focused' (If one could say that) on her letter to Twilight.
forever, I mean, what nerd writes fanfiction about the lives of other ponies? No offense. Actually, take that as kinda offensive. It was a knock on how you write stories. I mean, who DOES that? Certainly not ME. I enjoy life as it is...with a mug of cider in my hand. With that being said, I hope you come to terms with how miserable your life really is.
Signed, Princess Trollestia.
After Thought; Twilight, do tell your friend Applejack to stop by some time. We'll party like there's no tomorrow!
Celestia barely performed the spell needed to send the letter to Twilight immediately collapsing on her desk, spilling hard cider all over the rug.
"Hey Mitch, I think she finally fell asleep. Thank Celest- Wait...that's weird..."
Mitch only chuckled.
Mike, staring in awe at his compatriot, was shocked to hear the other guard laugh for the first time. "Wait, did you just laugh? All the other guards say you never laugh."
"They also say I never talk either, but what do they know?"
Mike was in awe with the god-like tone of the other guard's honeyed words. "That's the most amazing voice I've ever heard!"
Mitch nodded once again, tilting his head in the direction of the hall.
"I wonder who she sent a letter to this time..."
"Applejack, blah blah. Cider, etc etc. Fanfics? She probably just made that up, heh. Cider, being miserable and so forth...
Twilight Sparkle finished the letter and could only scratched her head. "What the buck is a hand? Oh well, time to re-kindle the fire!"
The End