Chapter 4: The best assistant
"Woah, you look like Rarity, only cuter." Said Spike to the little unicorn that had appeared in front of him.
"This? This is only the form I took because your brain told me to." Said the fake Rarity.
"My brain told you to be Rarity?" Asked Spike, touching his forehead.
"Not exactly; when I entered your brain I analyzed its memories and experiences and I realized this would be the perfect form to take, since you're very familiar with this pony or you would gladly take advice from her. I believe she is called Rarity, isn't she?"
"Yeah, she is." Said Spike.
"But if you're not comfortable with me being her, I can also take other forms!" Said the fake Rarity before changing appearance.
"I can change into your mother-sister-guardian-whatever, Twilight Sparkle." Said the pony who now looked like Twilight before she had gotten wings.
"Or I can be Humdrum! I know how much you liked being a superhero." Said Humdrum, appearing before Spike.
"Or maybe you would like me to be one of your friends, like Button Mash?" Suddenly Button Mash appeared, waving at Spike.
"Uh no, no, Rarity is fine." Said Spike, causing Button Mash to turn back to the little Rarity. "So you're like a chengeling?"
"Do not insult me! Changelings are horrible creatures with various weaknesses. I am so much more than them. And by the way, you need to stop talking to me." Said the fake Rarity before placing a hoof in his mouth.
"What? Why?" Asked Spike, removing her hoof from his mouth.
"Because I'm not actually here and there's nopony who can hear me other than you. If somepony were to walk in they would only see you talking to the air around you, just... try thinking at me, like you have psychic powers or something!" Said the fake Rarity with a small glare.
'Is this better?' Thought Spike, looking at her.
"Yes, that's much better." Said the fake Rarity, smiling at him. "Now, look at the door and act as casual as possible."
'Why?'
"Just do it, don't ask me why." Said the fake Rarity before standing next to the door. Before Spike could protest, the door suddenly bust open and Twilight was standing there with a first-aid kit and a scared expression on her face.
"SPIKE! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?! Did you scream like that?!" Asked Twilight with dread in her voice.
"Uh... Yes, Twilight, I'm fine." Replied Spike with a reassuring smile.
"Then what was that scream? It sounded like somepony was dying!" Asked Twilight, still nervous about the scream from earlier.
"Tell her that you did it, and if she asks why, just tell her that you were practicing for the talent show." Said the fake Rarity with a smug expression on her face.
"Ah, yes, that was also me." Said Spike, trying to look normal.
"Really? And are you sure that you're okay? I've never heard you scream like that!" Said Twilight, still levitating the first-aid kit just in case.
"Yes, I was just practicing for the talent show."
"The talent show? And what kind of thing would need you to scream your lungs out?!"
Spike looked over to the fake Rarity, and he saw that she was levitating a couple of masks with different expressions on them. 'That's it!'
"I was trying to practice my screaming because me and the guys will do a scene from a theatre play!" Said Spike, trying not to sweat.
Twilight looked surprised, what she heard was such an emotion-filled scream that she could've sworn it was real. "Oh, then I guess you did a marvelous job! Wow, Spike, if you can do that in the show, you'll surely get the first place for sure!" Said Twilight before turning away from him. "I'm sorry if I interrupted you, I just wanted to see if you were alright. I need to keep researching, so I'll be in the library if you need me, keep it up!"
And with that, Twilight left the room, leaving Spike alone with his thoughts spread without any order; it wasn't until the fake Rarity spoke that Spike stopped overthinking the situation.
"Hey there, you can stop hyperventilating now."
'I don't get it, how did you know she was going to walk in just now?'
"It's pure logic, really, judging from your scream it was obvious that Twilight would rush in and check on you; but I also knew that she wouldn't come instantly because she most likely would assume that you would be hurt, so it's logical that she would arrive a bit later because she would get a first-aid kit in case you were hurt. And finally I knew she would bust through the door because in a state of panic ponies don't usually think straight, and in this case, Twilight would have too much going through her head to think about teleporting over here."
Spike was dumbfounded, just how smart was she? he thought about the situation he was in before the fake Rarity spoke again. "Hey, I know you have a lot going through your head as well, but for now let's get out of this castle; the day is still young and we have A LOT to do if we want to improve your life." And with that, the fake Rarity walked through the wall over to the corridor as if there was no wall at all; Spike followed her, if this was how things would turn out of he listened to her, then maybe he made the right call after all.
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"Dad? Is that you?" Asked Button to the stallion in front of him.
"Well, yes but actually no, this is just the form I thought would be more appropiate to show you." Said Button's dad, brushing off his pink suit.
"What? What do you mean?" Asked Button, finally getting off the ground.
"I live inside your brain, and when I first got here, I analyzed it and I saw who would you respect the most, and I'm actually surprised that your dad looks like this." Said Button's dad before taking a better look at himself.
"Oh, I haven't seen him in forever, but I always thought he would look like that." Said Button before getting closer to him.
"But don't worry, if you don't want me to look like your father I can be someone else!" Said the stallion before changing his appearence.
"Maybe I can be a friend you truly love and respect!" Said Spike, appearing before Button, surprising him.
"Or maybe I can be one of your heroes!" Said a pony who he knew his whole life; it was a fat plumber with a red hat.
"Or perhaps you would preffer a cute anime girl with seductive eyes?" Said now a pony with cute and fluffy (but fake) rabbit ears and an adorable formal outfit before letting out a soft giggle that sent shivers down Button's spine.
"Uh, I think I'd preffer my dad, thank you very much." Said Button, causing the pony to turn back into Button's dad.
"Now, on the next matter of business, stop talking to me; if you talk to me using your mouth the ponies around you would see a colt talking to the air, so don't do that." Said Button's dad while covering his own mouth with his hoof.
"Then how am I supposed to communicate with you?"
"Just think at me, like you're telepathic."
"Oh boy! Like I'm professor Xavier?!" Asked Button with excitement. Button's dad facehoofed.
"I can see this is going to be difficult." Said Button's dad with a small glare. "May I ask you something?"
'Sure, what is it?' Asked back Button, now in his thoughts.
"Why is this room soundproof?" Asked Button's dad while looking at Button's room.
'Oh, that's because I used to rage a lot when I played rage games; so my mom made my room this way because she didn't want me to bother her if I screamed again. Also because when I reach some pretty difficult levels in some games I'd preffer to have peace and quiet because I get distracted easily. Why do you ask?'
"Because I wanted to see if your mother would come to check on you or not, I mean, that was a pretty loud scream." Said Button's dad, looking over to the walls, that were indeed, soundproof.
'Hey! Now that I remember, what was that all about?' Asked Button, remembering all the pain he went through as the stallion entered his brain and his body.
"I'm sorry, but I needed to have access to your muscles as well as your brain in case of an emergency."
'In case of an emergency? Like what?'
"In case that you find yourself in a situation in which you don't know what to say or do and I have to take action."
'What?' Asked Button, worried about what the stallion was capable of making him do.
"Button, I promise you that my sole objective is to improve your life, and right now I'm seeing that this won't be easy." Said Button's dad, taking a closer look at Button.
'What do you mean?' Asked Button, with a hint of pride in his voice.
"Just look at yourself! If we are going to make you better, then we have to change a lot of things in here. Starting with that." Said Button's dad, while pointing at Button's helicopter hat.
'My...My hat? But this was a gift from my mom!' Protested Button, remembering the day when his mom had given him the hat at an amusement park.
"Button, those types of hats are worn by kids, and ponies your age don't wear those anymore! If you want to keep it, then do it where no one will find it, but you're not allowed to wear it again in public." Said Button's dad firmly. Button grabbed his hat and looked at it for a couple of moments; he remembered how much that hat meant to him, he remembered that he practically lived with it. But if this was what he needed to do to not suck anymore then Button would do it.
With a sadness that no one would understand, Button tossed his hat under his bed, where no one, not even his mom would find it. "That's my boy, now let me take a good look at you." Button turned around to let his dad look at him, after a couple of seconds, Button's dad spoke again:
"No, that's not going to be enough. Let's go, we still have the rest of the day to try and improve your aesthetic." Said Button's dad before turning away from Button and walking throught the door as if it didn't even exist. Button followed him before taking one last look at his bed. He wanted to rush over and take his hat only to never take it off again, but if that was preventing him from being cool, then Button would never turn back again.
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"There, here we are!" Said the fake Rarity, she had taken Spike to some clothing store he hadn't seen in Ponyville yet.
"What are we doing here?" Asked Spike, looking at the place he was in.
"My job is to improve your life, but if you're expecting me to do it without changing your aesthetic then you're not thinking clearly." Said the fake Rarity, pointing at Spike.
'Wha-? What's wrong with me?' Said Spike, looking at himself.
"Well, for one, you're a dragon. We need to make you look more friendly but at the same time make you look like you're worthy of being respected. There." Said the fake Rarity before pointing at a particular shirt. "Grab that one."
Spike looked at said shirt, it was a grey shirt but it had Cheese Sandwich in its center. That was really all that Spike needed to see. 'Really? I need to wear that?'
"If you're so sure, why do you need me for?"
'Do ponies take Cheese Sandwich seriously?'
"That's irrelevant, as a being made of a very distinctive kind of magic I can see probable futures, and right now I'm seeing a future in which you wear that shirt and everything ends up well for everyone." Said the fake Rarity, her eyes turning white.
'But what if Pinkie Pie asks me anything about him?' Asked Spike, grabbing the shirt.
"Don't worry about that, it's highly unlikely; but in case that happens I have my ways of getting information quickly." Said the fake Rarity, her eyes turning back to normal.
'I'm still not sure about this.' Said Spike, looking back at the fake Rarity.
"Spike, just look around you, everypony here thinks you're horrible. And honestly I can see why."
Spike looked at the ponies around him, and it was just as Rarity said, everypony there was staring at him with faces of disgust, fear or anger; though Spike noticed that there was something odd about everypony, like they were in sync or something like that, and their eyes were weird, like they had a glow in them. But Spike decided not to think too much about it since he was too afraid of them to ask anything.
"Aren't you tired of being the freak of the town? Just listen to me and everything will be fine. Now let's see if you have learned anything about your presentation." The fake Rarity made Spike walk over to a part of the store where there were various models of jackets. "Now you try to pick a jacket that combines with that shirt."
Spike didn't think about it too much and he grabbed the first jacket he saw. "Really? Are you serious?" Asked the fake Rarity with an eyeroll.
'Yes, I'm sure I can make this wo-'
"That's a jacket designed for a girl." Interrupted the fake Rarity. Spike looked at the jacket and he saw that it was mostly pink and it had some purple jewels in some areas. While it was black in the most visible parts Spike couldn't help but feel embarassed for picking that jacket.
"Ugh, what is he doing here?" Spike heard a voice from behind him. When he turned around and he recognized the ponies in front of him he had mixed feelings; one part of him wanted to explode in rage while the other wanted to run away and never return to that store.
"Oh, so those must be Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, right?" Asked the fake Rarity to Spike, who was visibly nervous.
'Yes, now what the frick do I say to them now?!' Asked Spike, getting even more nervous by the second.
"First, you need to change your language around them, in other terms, you need to say some more curse words. If you don't then they'll think you're a coward or a saint. But if you say too many then they'll think you're either a pervert or a guy not worth tallking to. Second, you need to tell them that you were just passing by and decided to come in."
"Oh, hi Diamond Tiara, I was just passing by and I decided to come in." Said Spike to the pink filly, who just stared at him with judging eyes.
"Don't forget her minion."
'Her minion? Who-?' "Hey, Silver Spoon."
"Tell her that she looks hot."
'I can't say that to them! Wha-'
"Don's smile at them, speak clearly and secure of yourself, speak like you don't care about your own death."
"Lookin' pretty hot, Silver Spoon." Said Spike in a deep tone, looking intensely at Silver Spoon, who gladly took the compliment.
"Thanks, Spike." Replied Silver Spoon with a blush and a sheepish smile on her face.
"What is that? Is that a jacket for a girl?" Asked Diamond Tiara.
"Oh, this? Nah-"
"Yes." Corrected the fake Rarity.
"I mean yes."
"Just repeat after me." Said the fake Rarity before clearing her throat.
"I saw it from the outside and I couldn't ignore it. I was seeing a girl and she had a jacket like this. It still hurts to remember her." Said the fake Rarity and Spike, which surprised the two fillies.
"And who were you dating, exactly?" Asked Diamond Tiara with a half-closed eye.
"Oh, you probably never saw me date-"
"Berry Pinch" Suggested the fake Rarity.
"Berry Pinch." Said Spike after a brief pause.
"WHAT?!" Said the fillies in surprise, Diamond Tiara looking legit angry and Silver Spoon looking very surprised.
"Yes, she is very sweet." Said Spike with a thumb up.
"No, she is not! She is only sweet when she is not drunk like her mom!" Said Diamond Tiara with a glare.
"Wait, you were dating Berry Pinch and she broke up with you?" Asked Silver Spoon.
"Umm ye-" "NO!" Said the fake Rarity, almost slapping Spike. "Uh, I mean..."
"I broke up with her 'cause she was cheating on me!" Spike again repeated what the fake Rarity said, which seemed to work.
"Oh my Celestia. What did I tell you? She is the worst!" Said Diamond Tiara to Silver Spoon.
"Yes, you're better off without her, Spike." Said Silver Spoon.
"Duh, obviously. I mean, who does she think she is?" Repeated Diamond Tiara, now looking at Spike. "Hey, now that I think about it, why are you here in the first place?"
"Me? Well... My mother is so unbearable sometimes, you know how it goes. I just want to stay away from her." Spike said, his words not quite sinking in his mind.
"Yeah, fucking moms, right?" Said Diamond Tiara, even though it came more like a spat than a sentence. Spike was surprised by what Diamond Tiara just said, and he looked at the fake Rarity, who was just smiling at the scene.
'Did you just make me say that about Twilight?' Asked Spike to the fake Rarity.
"Yes, you didn't know what to say so I took the liberty to save you from an awkward silence." Said the fake Rarity with a grin.
'But I don't see Twilight as my mom!' Protested Spike, to which the fake Rarity rolled her eyes.
"And yet she is the closest thing you have to a real mother, besides, wether you think of her like that or not is irrelevant now. I just made you say that to make you more compatible with that filly since I know you don't exactly like each other." Said the fake Rarity.
'What do you mean by that?' Asked Spike, to which Rarity pointed at Diamond Tiara.
"By the way, are you going to buy that? That looks expensive, here, let me help you with that. At least I'm better than bErRy PiNcH." Diamond Tiara said that last part with venom in her voice. Afterwards she grabbed Spike's shirt and jacket and proceeded to go pay for them.
'What just happened?' Asked Spike to the fake Rarity.
"Over time, I learned that the fastest way to bond with someone is to share a negative opinion about something or somepony. Now you and Diamond Tiara are starting to get along." Said the fake Rarity before being interrupted by Silver Spoon.
"Spike, are you okay? Why are you staring at that wall?" Asked Silver Spoon to Spike, who was visibly staring at nothing.
"Oh, nothing. Hey, can I ask you a question, Silver Spoon?" Said Spike to the grey filly, who nodded in response. "Why does Diamond Tiara hate Berry Pinch?"
"It's a couple of weird stories, you see, a couple of years ago, in Heart's warming eve, Diamond Tiara was really excited to go to the Crystal Empire because she heard that the snow and the landscape were the most beautiful thing in Equestria, but her mom got into a big fight with Berry Pinch's mother and her. She said that the fight was because Diamond's mom wouldn't let Berry's mom buy drinks after the store had closed and she decided to see Spoiled Rich. The fight was so bad that they punched each other a lot."
"Wow, was it really that bad?" Asked Spike with concern.
"Yes, and Diamond Tiara's mom was in such a bad mood that not only they didn't get to go there, she made Diamond Tiara be alone all week because her dad was taking care of her in the hospital." Said Silver Spoon with sadness in her voice.
"That's horrible! But you say there was more?" Asked Spike, who was almost biting his nails even though he didn't have those.
"Oh yes, since that day Diamond Tiara was a bit apathetic towards Berry Pinch, but after Hearts and Hooves day Diamond Tiara definitely hated Berry Pinch."
"What happened?!"
"You see how in Hearts and Hooves day you're supposed to spend the day with your very very special somepony?" Spike just nodded. "Well, Diamond Tiara was hoping to spend the day with a colt that was special to her. (I won't tell you who because she would kill me) but when she went to confess her feelings for him she saw him with Berry Pinch kissing each other." Spike was surprised to the point where he was just speechless. "So that's pretty much it, she was just apathetic towards her before Hearts and Hooves day, now Diamond Tiara definitely hates Berry Pinch."
'Did you know about this?' Asked Spike to the fake Rarity.
"Of course not." Said the fake Rarity, looking away.
'So everything that has happened have been just coincidences?'
"Of course not!" Repeated the fake Rarity looking in another direction.
'What? Then how-?'
"It's just like I told you, thanks to my magic I can envision probable futures, so I didn't know all that happened to Diamond Tiara, but I knew things would turn out well if you said those things. Now, Diamond Tiara is about to come back, if I'm not wrong she will make some sort of offer to you; you better accept it." Said the fake Rarity before fading away.
"Spike, I'm kinda surprised, actually." Said Silver Spoon again.
"What? Why?"
"You said something to Diamond Tiara and she didn't even look at you with a glare or something like that, and she is even paying for your stuff! She doesn't do things like this for pretty much anypony. I don't know how but you knew just what to say to her." Said Silver Spoon with a small smile.
And, just as Rarity predicted, Diamond Tiara was coming back with Spike's clothes in a bag. When she was in front of Spike, he grabbed the bag and he thanked her. "Thanks."
"Oh, don't mention it, what are friends for, right?" Said Diamond Tiara, which surprised Spike. "What? After what you said I think we have more in common than I thought. You might not be such a loser."
"Spike, by the way, do you wanna come with us? We're going to get some ice cream." Said Silver Spoon.
"Yes, and we can get you home after that." Said Diamond Tiara.
'Umm, I don't know, should I go with them? I mean, I don't think we're such big friends after just a conversation.' Said Spike to the fake Rarity who reappeared besides him.
"Spike, don't you see this is the opportunity we are looking for? To improve your status you need to get popular, and these are popular girls who just invited you to get something nice to eat. Just accept it and go with them, I can warn you in case anything goes wrong." Said the fake Rarity, scooting closer to the two fillies who were waiting for an answer.
Spike thought about his situation before thinking to himself. 'Well, I guess if Rarity comes with me things can't go wrong, right? I'll go, how bad can this be?'
"Sure, I'll go with you!" Said Spike to the fillies, who smiled at him and started to walk with him out of the store and directly to the nearest ice cream source.
As Spike walked through Ponyville with his new friends and his assistant Rarity behind him, he smiled to himself. This day was starting to finish, and despite how much the potion made him scream when he drank it, things were finally starting to look up for him. Maybe he and Button made the right choice after all.
If Spike had looked back he would've seen a spotted colt with a distingushed accent yelling at him, trying to get his attention, but Spike didn't seem to notice him, and he happily ignored him as he went to get that delicious ice cream with his new and upgraded friends.