Homer in Equestria, the Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
Twilight stared up at the candlestick mounted on the wall. No matter what angle she looked at it there was nothing to differentiate it from any of the others adorning this particular hallway in the royal castle in Canterlot.
Yet here she was, along with Spike Homer and Princess Celestia, who after they had finished their meal had led them down a seemingly unremarkable series of hallways to this equally unremarkable fixture.
“What do you think Spike, twist or pull?” Homer asked the little dragon next to him, both of them looking at the candlestick with a surprising amount of thought.
“Tough call, it’s usually you have to pull them in the comics but I don’t have enough information to count out twisting either.” Spike replied, rubbing his chin.
“Do I even want to know what you two are talking about?” Twilight asked, glancing in their direction.
“We’re trying to figure out if Celestia is going to twist or pull on the candlestick to make the hidden passageway appear.” Homer said with the air of explaining something as normally occurring as changes in the weather.
“Look I’ll admit it is a little strange but just because Celestia led us to a random candlestick doesn’t mean it’s-” There was a click from behind her followed by a sudden grinding of concealed gears. “...A hidden passageway” She finished flatly.
“See Twilight, why be smart when you can be genre savvy?” Homer said patting her head as he followed Celestia down a staircase just a few feet beyond the entrance to where the panel in the wall had opened up.
Grumbling under her breath, Twilight followed behind them with Spike bringing up the rear. As they descended Celestia’s horn began to glow, a series of gemstones set into the wall reacting and casting the passage in a soft golden light.
“How long has this even been here?” Twilight wondered aloud.
“This passageway was built during the initial construction of Canterlot Castle,” Celestia explained as they descended. “In fact, this is the first time anyone besides my sister and I have set hoof in it since it was built centuries ago.”
“Oh yeah, that reminds me of something I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Homer said. “You mentioned over lunch you control the sun right?”
“Well if by control you mean ‘move it up and down once a day’,” Celestia replied. “It may seem impressive but really it’s just the magical equivalent of turning the lights on when you punch in at work and turning them off when you leave to go home.”
“Well yeah but you can do all that, you're over a thousand years old (not that it shows),” Homer quickly added as Celestia gave him a bemused look. “Doesn’t that make you, I dunno, Pony God?”
Celestia gave a sigh. “No but as you can imagine there were plenty of ponies in the beginning who thought exactly that. Granted it was rather flattering at first, up until the first few cults started popping up.”
“Cults?” Twilight asked, giving Celestia an odd look.
“Well ‘cult’ might be a little harsh, but a number of ponies were coming under the impression that my sister and I were tangible proof that they were the master race of the world. After all, if their rulers literally made the sun and moon orbit the planet, why shouldn’t they regard themselves as superior?”
“Well as you can imagine we had some objections with being used as an excuse to wage war on our neighbors, so we eventually sat them down and had a long talk about the problem with that sort of thinking.”
“Granted it took a few decades but those first few radicals and their descendants eventually chose to forego world domination in favor of passing out flyers on the streets and going door to door. No less relentless mind you, but considerably less dangerous.”
“I dunno lady, back where I come from once a Jehova’s Witness has your house in their sights you usually have to ward them off with a cross like a vampire before they leave you alone.”
“To be fair I said ‘less dangerous’ not ‘altogether harmless’.” Celestia remarked.
“Wait, how do you even understand what he just said?” Twilight asked.
Celestia gave a shrug. “A mixture of context and multiversal constants. Some things are the same in every dimension.”
“But wait, according to Ghostbusters aren’t you always supposed to say ‘yes’ when someone asks if you are a god?” Homer pressed on.
“If you are only looking at the short term benefits, then yes I can see why it would sound appealing. But once the awe wears off, you start getting less offerings and statues in your likeness and more uncomfortable questions like ‘why did my spouse/family member/pet hamster die?’ or ‘why did my house burn down?’.”
“Oh yeah, the old ‘why do bad things happen to good people’ thing. My god complained about that a lot too.”
“You’ve spoken directly with your god?” Celestia asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Think so, either that or I forgot to check the expiration date on the sour cream I ate before bed.”
“And why would you eat sour cream before bed?” The eyebrow climbed a little higher.
“What else am I going to put with chives and melted cheese on my late night baked potato?”
Celestia mulled this over as they reached the bottom of the stairs which then lead into a long hallway at the end of which sat an enormous stone door.
Twilight had seen her fair share of doors, magical or otherwise, but this one was definitely impressive in it’s own right. Towering over even Celestia the archway was engraved with arcane symbols and runes, and the door itself was dominated by a massive stone carving depicting the sun and moon side by side.
Curiously, in the center of each celestial body was a hoof shaped indentation. As Twilight watched Celestia stepped forward and placed a hoof inside the indentation in the carving of the sun. Half of the door’s runes and carvings began to glow the same golden hue as Celestia’s magic.
“Twilight, would you be so kind as to put your hoof in the other slot?” Celestia asked as she turned to look at her former student.
“Me? But that door was meant for you and Luna wasn’t it?” Twilight said a mixture of confusion and some anxiety on her face. Was this some sort of test?
“While it’s true the enchantment on this door was designed with me and my sister in mind, it only requires the magic of two Alicorns to break the seal. I have the utmost confidence your magic will suffice,” Celestia assured her.
Then she gave a mischievous grin. “Of course if you really feel you aren’t sure, we can always go wake my sister up. I’m sure she’d be in a perfectly reasonable mood being woken up this time of day because my former pupil doubted her worth as an Alicorn again.”
“What?! Nonono I can do this, I can absolutely do this!” Twilight yelped rushing to join Celestia and just about slamming her hoof in the indent in the center of the carving of the moon.
“Yeah I have the same problem with Marge. If it’s the weekend and she has a chance to sleep in, the last thing you want to do is wake her up before she’s ready.” Homer explained to Spike. “At that point unless you have a cup of coffee as a peace offering, the best you can do is arch your head back and hope she kills you fast by going for the jugular like a lion.”
“Is that where you got those teeth marks?” Twilight asked over her shoulder as her horn lit up. Purple magic began to flow along the lines and runes on her side of the door as it slowly entwined with Celestia’s.
“Uh right person, different circumstances and that’s all I’m going to say on the subject.” Homer said as his eyes started to dart around a little nervously, only to catch Celestia looking back at him with a grin and a conspiratorial bob of her eyebrows.
When the last of the runes were illuminated Twilight took a step back as the doorway was replaced by a shimmering portal. Giving her former student a reassuring nuzzle, Celestia went first followed by Twilight and Spike.
A second later Spike’s head popped back out of the portal. “Come on Homer you coming or what?”
Homer looked a little wary but eventually he sighed and went in after them. “Okay but if this turns out like that Jeff Goldbloom movie I’m gonna be pissed.”
Thankfully aside from a full body tingle that left all three strands of hair atop his head standing up, Homer’s body seemed to be intact following a quick pat down. He joined the rest of the group who were drinking in their new surroundings.
It was the biggest library Homer had ever seen (granted the number of those he had visited in his life were slim to begin with). Shelves upon shelves upon shelves sprawled out before them stretching back almost as far as the eye could see.
But the décor was what truly made it stand out. It seemed Luna had partially designed the interior of the library as set into the ceiling was a vast panorama of constellations dominated by a full moon.
Yet there were touches of Celestia’s presence as well as dotted amongst the shelves were large sun shaped lanterns giving off a warm amber hue. The combined effect gave the impression of street lamps illuminating the shelves underneath a starry night sky.
“No words...should...have sent...a poet.” Twilight whispered in awe, looking like she was on the verge of tears.
“Quite the sight isn’t it?” Celestia said with a note of pride in her voice. “This is where we keep the most powerful and dangerous magical research accumulated since the founding of Equestria.”
“Wow, look at all this crazy stuff,” Homer said as he looked at the labels on the nearest shelf, explaining what each scroll or book was about. “How to raise the dead, how to turn lead into gold, ooh this one tells you winning lottery numbers!” He said reaching for that last scroll.
“Ah-ah-ah!” Celestia gently chided lightly swatting at Homer’s hand with the tip of her wing. “Hands to yourself please. While very little of the knowledge here is actually malevolent, much of it is the result of attempting to use magic for quick and easy solutions to the creator’s problems.”
“Magic may be a vital part of our lives but when ponies attempt to abuse it as a shortcut, the results often come with unintentional side effects or drawbacks.”
“What do you mean?” Homer asked.
“Well, take the spell you were looking at for instance. True it tells you winning lottery numbers but it doesn’t tell you when they will come up. By the time the spell’s creator had his numbers come up he’d been dead for a good thirty years.”
“Ouch.”
“Well on the bright side it was a nice windfall for his daughter.”
Something seemed to occur to Twilight finally bringing her out of her daze. “Wait...if this is where we keep the most dangerous magic, why was the spell to go back in time in the restricted section of the Canterlot Archives? Wouldn’t it have been more secure here?”
Celestia suddenly looked a little embarrassed. “Well the official explanation is that, considering the Cutie Map only just came into being, nobody thought it was possible to supercharge the spell to the extent Starlight Glimmer did until it actually happened.”
“And the unofficial explanation?” Twilight asked arching an eyebrow.
“...Filing error.” Celestia said with a defeated sigh, hanging her head.
With that being said Celestia was on the move once again, glancing over the contents of the shelves as they passed them with everyone close behind. Poor Twilight looked like she wanted nothing more than to start grabbing things off the shelves and start reading but remembering what Celestia had said, managed to keep her hooves to herself.
Fortunately Celestia seemed to know exactly where to go and after only a few minutes of walking stopped and pulled several books from a shelf with her magic. “Here we are, tell me Twilight does this penmanship look familiar?” She asked as she opened up one of the books to show her former pupil.
“This writing...these notes were written by Star Swirl the Bearded!” Twilight said getting (somehow) even more excited then she had already been.
“Okay I’m lost.” Homer said, scratching his head.
“Star Swirl the Bearded, also known by the moniker ‘The Grandfather of Sorcery’ was one of the most important wizards in the history of the Three Tribes, just about every form of magic used by unicorns today is based on his work in some way or another. I’ve studied his work since I was a filly, but I’ve never seen these notes before.” Twilight explained as she took one of the books and set it down on a nearby table.
“That’s because this particular research was deemed far too dangerous to risk having it become public knowledge,” Celestia explained as they gathered around the open book which was full of incredibly complex arcane symbols and mathematical equations. It looked like a collaboration between Stephen Hawking and J.R.R Tolkien. “You are looking at Star Swirl’s research on inter-dimensional travel.”
“Inter-dimensional? Wait, that's like going from one reality to another isn’t it, you know parallel universes and all that?” Homer asked. There was a pregnant pause as Twilight, Spike and even Celestia looked at him in surprise. “What?”
“Oh uh, nothing it’s just well, it’s a bit surprising to me that you know what that means.” Twilight admitted, hoping dearly Homer didn’t take offense.
“Pfft, look Twilight, I’d be the first person to tell you I’m not the sharpest knife in the...uh, place where you keep the knives,” Homer said stumbling for a moment before he seemed to regain his train of thought. “But the nice thing about where I come from is, even if you have no idea what something is all about, if you see enough movies and television certain concepts can and will be beaten over your head until the heat death of the universe.”
“Time travel, genetic engineering, and definitely inter-dimensional gateways. You can’t even throw a stick without hitting a television or movie script that has a giant hole open in the sky at the third act these days.”
“So, it’s not so much you have an intimate knowledge of how it works, so much as you’ve seen the concept be used so much in stories where you come from that you recognize it as a plot device?” Spike asked, scratching his head.
“Exactly. Oh! Uh, sorry Celestia, didn’t mean to interrupt. Please continue?” Homer asked, looking a bit sheepish that he had blundered into what sounded like an important bit of exposition from the princess.
“No worries Homer, I’m in no rush,” Celestia said, inclining her head with a smile before she cleared her throat. “It all began in the aftermath of our victory over Discord, while we were eventually successful in sealing him in stone with the power of the Elements of Harmony, it wasn’t until after a prolonged conflict where Equestria was subject to his mad whims for centuries.”
“During that time much of the land was saturated in chaos magic for the longest time, giving rise to all manner of strange and inexplicable phenomena. In fact one such area that was especially soaked in chaos magic was the land which would eventually become Ponyville.”
“I think I’ve read about that. It’s supposedly the reason why everything in the Everfree Forest is so strange. Everything from the Timberwolves to the Parasprites are mutations created by the residual chaos magic running rampant as these organisms evolved. Even the weather is unpredictable.” Twilight said.
“Precisely, the Everfree Forest is a constantly shifting environment, some days it is tranquil enough for ponies to venture to and from without much difficulty, other days it is a near impenetrable maze infested with dangerous creatures. Only a scant few like Zecora are in tune with nature enough to safely reside there.”
“But unlike the Everfree Forest, the greatest effect of our struggles with Discord was not visible to the naked eye. You see as a result of our battles, the clashing magic had worn the walls between our world and others dangerously thin. It was now possible to, with sufficient power, create rifts between dimensions like the one Homer came through.”
“Enter Starswirl. Now, this may come as a surprise Twilight, but compared to what Equestria used to endure in the earliest days following the country’s founding, you and your friends have brought about several years of relative peace and harmony in the land.”
“I’m sorry, peace?!” Twilight just about squawked. “What about Nightmare Moon? O-or Discord, or Chrysalis or King Sombra or Tirek? What about all the monster attacks and ponies like Trixie and Starlight Glimmer? How is that considered peaceful?”
“True, to someone as young as you Twilight, Equestria does seem to have no shortage of dangers to overcome and villains to vanquish but consider this. Major threats such as the ones you describe usually rear their heads roughly once or twice a year. In the time I speak of, such powerful foes were an almost constant threat to us.”
Everyone went quiet as Celestia gave them a moment to process that, even Homer looked a little surprised. After all, before Twilight had shown him some of the villains depicted in the stained glass windows in the castle, he’d had a hard time imagining Equestria dealing with any villain more dangerous than someone Adam West would lay out with an action bubble.
“Quite a sobering thought isn’t it?” Celestia admitted as she looked away, her eyes taking on a distant look. “It seemed like every day brought some new threat. Beasts of solid stone, demons of red hot magma, and one time Equestria was almost turned into a frozen tundra by legions of fascist penguins.”
“Fascist penguins?” Even Homer was giving Celestia an odd look at that one. “I mean sure there was that one Disney movie where the hyenas were basically Nazi’s but that seems a little far fetched.”
“Believe me, as strange as it may sound there was little amusement in seeing tens of thousands of armored penguins waddling in lockstep through the streets of Canterlot,” Celestia gave a small shudder. “Those were dark days indeed.”
“Back then we were constantly under siege and trying to figure out how to keep such foes contained once vanquished. While we had finished constructing the prison that would come to be known as Tartarus, Starswirl worried that having too many nefarious creatures and villains confined in one place was a recipe for disaster. So he began to experiment with the idea of banishing such threats beyond our realm altogether.”
She turned a page in the book showing an illustration of a bearded unicorn, presumably Starswirl judging by the start patterns in his cloak and pointy hat, casting a spell and sending three strange scaly creatures through a portal. They looked to be some hybrid of fish and equine, with one having purple scales, one blue and the last one a light orange.
“Now in theory, this idea does have merit, but can anyone tell me the biggest problem with this solution?” Celestia asked, smiling at how Twilight’s hoof immediately shot up. “While I’m sure you know the answer Twilight, why don’t we let someone else give it a try. Homer?”
“What, me? Uh no offense Celestia but if you’re expecting me to come up with an answer without seeing it in a movie first we’re going to be here a while.”
“Homer, from what I’ve seen of you so far, I have full confidence that you are smarter than many would first think, perhaps even yourself. Just give it a try, if it’s truly too difficult I won’t hold it against you.” She said with a warm reassuring tone.
‘Aw geez, does she have to remind me so much of mom? I don’t want to disappoint her, but how am I supposed to know the answer here? I mean Twilight’s pretty sharp when it comes to magic, I wish I could just give the question over to her like when I throw my trash in Flander’s ya-’
Homer’s eyes bugged out as realization hit him like a lightning bolt. “Oh...my...god I know the answer. I know the answer to the question!” He said slapping his hands over his head in shock. Noticing the way Twilight and Spike were looking at him he quickly added. “Uh, that’s probably a bigger deal for me then it is for you guys.”
“Well Homer, can you tell us what the problem with Star Swirl’s experiment was?” Celestia pressed, her smile widening as she could sense Homer was close.
“Because...if he throws the bad guys into another dimension,” Homer said slowly working through it, his eyes squinting in intense thought. “Even if it solves the problem for here...it creates a new problem for wherever they get sent! Right?”
Celestia beamed like the rising sun. “That is correct Homer, well done.”
“WOOHOO!” Homer whooped, throwing his fists in the air before something floated in front of his face enveloped in Celestia’s magic. “Oooh, cookie, don’t mind if I do!”
“...Did you just give Homer a cookie for getting the question right like a little kid?” Twilight asked, giving her old mentor an odd look while Homer scarfed down the cookie in a spray of crumbs.
Celestia shrugged even as she took a bite out of another cookie she had seemingly produced from somewhere within her wings. “You are never too old to learn something new, plus I had a few of these squirreled away from my last raid on the royal kitchen so it seemed like a good opportunity.”
“Mmm, positive reinforcement.”
“So what Homer means is, Star Swirl was trying to solve a problem here in Equestria by making a new problem for somewhere else?” Spike asked.
“Unfortunately yes. While Star Swirl truly had the best intentions with this endeavor, he was too short sighted in the ramifications of his work. As daunting as it was dealing with all manner of assorted monsters and villains, we often had at least some knowledge of how to combat them or where they came from.”
“But in banishing them to another world, we were exposing the inhabitants of these worlds to foes they may very well have no idea how to handle. In the worst case scenario, a world that had never even known conflict before could be overrun by such dangerous beings and reduced to utter ruin.”
“So you explained all of that to Star Swirl so he could discontinue his experiments for the greater good?” Twilight asked.
Celestia...gave an embarrassed cough looking away for a moment. “Well, while I was eventually able to understand where he was coming from, when I first found out Star Swirl had begun to do this without notifying me first, my initial reaction was a bit more...visceral?”
“Ripped him a new one?” Homer guessed.
“Several actually,” Celestia admitted her cheeks turning an adorable shade of pink. “So the research was kept here and we proceeded with keeping as many of these foes in Tartarus as we safely could. Thankfully aside from Tirek and a rogue Bugbear, we’ve managed to keep the denizens safely contained.”
“Is that why you wanted us to reform Discord, and why you gave me your blessing to take in Starlight Glimmer as my pupil?” Twilight asked.
“Yes Twilight, instead of throwing away these beings like they were nothing more than trash, seeing you and your friends, particularly Fluttershy, convince Discord to use his magic for less selfish reasons was a perfect example of what I would like to do someday for more of the prisoners in Tartarus. I truly believe that most of them, perhaps even Tirek, could be capable of friendship someday.”
"But at the very least, now this research can be put to a better use in helping us return Homer back to his world where he belongs. While we are happy to have you here as a guest, I’m sure there are many in your world who miss you deeply.” Celestia said, giving Homer a sympathetic look.
“Well with your permission Celestia I’d like to take this research back to the castle and start going over it in detail,” Twilight said as she lifted up the book with her magic, only to look surprised as it was pulled away from her and floated over to Celestia.
“And I will be happy to let you do just that,” Celestia said, giving Twilight a level look. “Just as soon as I get your word that you will only use this knowledge to find a way home for Homer, and not to experiment for the sake of your own curiosity, understand?”
“Of course, you can count on me Princess Celestia.” Twilight said, perhaps a bit too quickly for Celestia’s liking as despite giving the book another tug with her magic it refused to budge from the grip of Celestia’s own magic.
“You know the words I want to hear Twilight.” Celestia said allowing the corner of her mouth to lift a little. Realizing there was no getting out of this Twilight sighed.
“Okay I get it,” She cleared her throat. “I solemnly swear only to use the knowledge of inter-dimensional travel within this book for the sake of helping Homer get back home. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
Celestia smiled and handed her former pupil both the book and a little something else to show her appreciation. Twilight had to admit, they were good cookies.