Panic and fear. That is what reports all over Equestria say, as ponies suffer the shortages of cake from one mysterious buyer.
And are birds just magical golems used to spy on you? If so, all of it wasn't my fault. It was Twigs.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. We are the news to die for.
Todays sponsor is Sweet Apple Acres. The sweetest apples in Equestria. Thank god they can sponsor us or I'll be doing weird shit in alleyways for only five bits.
Panic and fear all over Equestria today as all the cakes have gone out of stock. Bakeries are closing and birthday foals are weeping. Who is behind all of this? Well, detectives believe that the princess of the sun may of bought all of it.
For more on this, Cracker Jack joins us now. Hello Cracker.
"Hello Anonymous."
So detectives say that Princess Celestia actually bought them all?
"Yes. When they asked kitchen staff about the mysterious disappearance of these cakes and they say that they have been getting large shipments of cakes of all flavors. Vanilla, chocolate and even carrot flavored cake."
Wow. Has Princess Celestia made a statement about any of this?
"Indeed she has. When asked about the cakes, she admitted that she bought all of it and then went on to explain why. Here she is on it."
"My dear little ponies, I know you all are frightened by the sudden loss of all the cake, but this is an act of national security. Somepony in the castle has taken a slice of my banana cake. Until this culprit is caught, I shall be seizing all cakes till further notice. Thank you."
Do we have any leads on any suspects so far?
"Not at the moment no but we do have rumours that Princess Luna may of taken. Detectives are looking into it."
So how are birthdays being taken care of?
"The element of laughter, Pinkie Pie, has started a movement called the The National Coalition for the Birthday-less. Or TNCB for short. A movement to give foals a sweet pastry to substitute for the missing cake."
"It's just the worst feeling when you can't have a birthday cake when it's your birthday, you know? It was like the time when I was at the rock farm and each and every birthday we just ate porridge and it sucked. I don't want little foals to feel that. ItjustmakesmesadwhenIseealittlefoalIcan'texpiranceabirthdaypartyanditjustmakesmesosad!"
Incoherent gibberish.
"That was the last we can get out of her before she went onto an ineligible gibberish and then soon started to break down, crying."
Poor mare. Well, it seems like we will have to wait to see how this unravels. Thank you Cracker Jack for joining us
"Your welcome. Hey Anonymous?"
Yeah?
"You and Stella are still going to my wife's dinner party right? Twigs is going to be there with his marefriend."
Yeah, definitely. Wait, Twigs is straight and had a marefriend? I thought he was, you know-
"Gay? Yeah, we thought so too."
Man, what a revelation. But yeah, we'll be there.
"Awesome."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
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