Luster Dawn has long since surrendered to the call of slumber, so Starlight and Sunset have the rest of the night free. Starlight decided to take up Sunset's offer, and brought home cans of beer (for Sunset) and ginger ale (for her) for tonight's "session", as Sunset called it. She already consumed three cans of beer and is still very much sober and attentive as Starlight spoke her mind, and despite her efforts, the conversation eventually leads to Sunburst.
"Even a blind person could see that you still have a strong attachment to Sunburst. Don't deny it." Sunset confidently stated, wagging her pointing finger.
She swallowed her drink first before answering. "Well, I wouldn't say attachment…I guess I feel guilty about our circumstances?"
Her friend’s eyes widened. "Guilty? Come on, girl. I know guilt and I can guarantee that that’s not the only thing that’s going on, I dare to say that you’re very much in love with him still.”
Starlight rolled her eyes and huffed.
"Look," Sunset placed her empty can down but doesn’t reach for another, when she got like this she used her hands to make her point, "if you were only guilty, then you wouldn't have let him be around you for the past few days, you would just say you’re sorry and move on, but no! You even let him take care of you and spend the night, and from what you've told me, it wasn't even his fault that you twisted your ankle."
"But he gave me no choice!" Starlight retorted, placing her can of ginger ale on the coffee table with unnecessary force. She winced when the aluminum can hit the surface and produced a clanging sound.
Her friend just smiled and sat back. "Starlight, you always have a choice, and you chose to let him baby you because you miss it, very much." The teasing in her tone dripped like honey, and this only made Starlight flush with irritation and embarrassment.
"Okay, fine! I do miss being taken care of by Sunburst, but I still feel guilty, don't invalidate that." She insisted, cheeks still painted with a pretty shade of pink.
"Sure, but guilt can only make you do so much, it’s very obvious that you still care." Sunset flashed her an annoying, knowing grin before her face became serious. "So, what's stopping you?"
She cocked her head to the side. "Stopping me from what?"
"From being honest with how you feel?"
The carefree atmosphere become somber in a matter of seconds, Sunset’s heavy empathetic gaze was on her and she resisted the urge to squirm in her seat but braced herself for this much-awaited girl talk.
"You do know that I'm the one who insisted on the divorce, right?" She said, looking down at the can of ginger ale in her hands and tracing the rim with her fingers. "I can’t go up to him and say ‘you know what I changed my mind, let’s get married again!’ What do you think would happen, after all I put him through?” She sighed and took a sip of her drink before continuing. “Look, it’s better this way, he’s free to do what he wants, and I’ve got time to focus on Luster and my career, once he’s done with his work and leaves these feelings will disappear.”
Across from her, Sunset narrowed her eyes and maintained an unimpressed look. "That's it? That's a load of bullshit and you know it."
"What?! No, it’s not! I’m being realistic here, you're just really hard to convince!"
"Wrong! I'm only hard to convince if my intuition tells me otherwise."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"What it's supposed to mean."
Starlight never wanted so much to wipe the stupid smug smirk off her friend's face until that night.
Starlight’s world consisted of black and white spreadsheets, her field of vision narrowed to the size of her computer screen, sending everything else into the background. It had become second nature to get lost in her work like this, and she rather liked it since it was calming in its way, once she got into the rhythm and all her problems were put aside for the moment…
She heard a dull thud on her desk. Starlight's eyes immediately fly to the source of the unwelcome noise—concentration and rhythm lost in a flash—and saw a colored plastic bag filled with sweets of various kinds.
"It's for Luster. She likes these, right?" Sunburst stated plainly as he sat on the vacant chair in front of Starlight's desk.
She frowned. "I thought I told Silver Breeze not to let anyone disturb me with anything unimportant. What did you say to our student assistant?"
Sunburst frowned as well. "I'm halfway done with data gathering, thanks for asking."
Starlight rolled her eyes and muttered a curse before turning away to face the computer once more. "Look, I don’t know about you but I don’t have time to kill, go bother someone else, I'm busy."
"I know."
She picked up a bit of mirth in his tone, and she ignored the bubbling feelings inside her.
'Don't turn around, Starlight. Don't lose this time.' She told herself, closing the spreadsheet program to focus instead on her presentation for her next lecture.
And she does win, after a few moments of silence. She heard Sunburst moving in the background, the spring of his chair creaking as he stood. Starlight briefly thought that if this happened when they were younger, she would be grinning from ear to ear, but she kept her expression neutral while she typed since such petty victories meant very little in the grand, awkward mess that was their relationship.
"Make sure to rest your eyes and back," Sunburst advised before he left.
Starlight waited a few seconds after the door closed before turning around. Curiosity getting the better of her as she opened the plastic bag, frowning at the amount of candy inside. Then her eyes widened as she spotted an item that she was sure wasn’t intended for their daughter to consume.
'That…bastard.'
After all these years, and he still remembered her favorite brand of iced coffee.
She grabbed the bottle from the bag ('It's still cold!'), and told herself to stop acting like a lovestruck teenager, shoving the feeling of giddiness back to a corner of her mind. Or so she thought.
"Mommy! Mommy!"
Starlight stopped vacuuming the carpet when she faintly heard the voice of her daughter and felt something tugging on the back pocket of her jeans. She turned and kneeled to be on Luster Dawn's eye level. "What is it, sugarplum?"
The little girl showed her a piece of paper with drawings of what she guessed would be their house and a little self-portrait in the middle, drawn using wax crayons. Above the drawn house she read the words ‘happy’ and ‘birthday’, written in neat capital letters for a girl her age. The mother smiled and carefully took the paper from her small hands.
"I wanted to make cards for my friends, so that they'd know it'll be my birthday this weekend, and that I want them to come here and play." Luster informed her, grinning from ear to ear. "I already made lots; you know."
"All by yourself?” Starlight said and smiled as her daughter enthusiastically nods. “How many?"
"Lots and lots! Like 5.” Luster crossed her arms and nods, proud of her hard work. “I also made one for Sunset, too, since she's always with me when I'm alone. I'm sure my friends would also like to meet her."
Starlight smiled wider. "That's very sweet! I'm sure Sunset would love to celebrate your birthday with us. I'll make sure to invite her."
Luster shook her head. "I'll just give her the invitation when she comes here on Monday, and that card isn't for her anyway."
Starlight looked at Luster, puzzled. "Then is this for me? But I already live here."
The little girl sighed ('So cute,' Starlight thought with a grin). "It's not for you: it's for dad, he's here, right? Can you give it to him? I want him to celebrate with us, too. Even if he's not gonna come home anymore."
She doesn't miss the sadness in her daughter's tone. She felt her chest tighten.
"Am I…a horrible person?"
Miss Luna straightened and flashed her a curious look. "What makes you say that?"
Starlight exhaled heavily as she played with the white cuffs of her blouse. "Well, I've been…conflicted…about this whole…thing. You know what I'm talking about, right?"
Her counselor nodded and smiled. "Go on."
"Having Sunburst around after not being here for a long time isn't making things easier for me, or Luster. I'd like to think that my daughter might be handling this matter more maturely than I do, or maybe she's just, I don't know, understanding of me, I guess?" She stopped, then groaned and slumped into the couch. “Ah! What am I saying? I'm just going around in circles, I'm sorry!"
Miss Luna raised her hand. "You're just being anxious. Calm yourself, then maybe you can talk more clearly."
Starlight closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and counted to ten (like she was told in the past), but she doesn't speak immediately.
"Okay. I think I'm ready now."
The older woman gave her a warm smile. "Where do you want to start?"
Starlight was about to leave the empty church, after spending a bit of time clearing her head—and complaining to God again—when she spotted Sunburst jogging like before.
'Just like the other day, huh?' she snorted. When she stepped out, she made sure she didn’t hit his chest, or fall, or do something stupid in front of him when he spotted her.
"You were troubled again?" Sunburst pointed his thumb in the direction of the small church they met not so long ago.
She flashed him a wistful smile. "I'm always troubled, Sunburst, and you of all people should know that." Starlight opened her purse and looked for something inside it. "I wasn't able to hand something to you earlier, so I'm considering this my lucky day."
Her nose crinkled when she noticed her daughter's handmade invitation crumpled on the edges from being inside her bag for too long, she extended the invitation to Sunburst. "Here. Luster told me to give you this."
For a brief moment, she saw a faint smile on his face and a trace of hopefulness in his eyes, then it was gone. She watched as he read the back of the paper.
"I see. I'm glad." He mumbled, smiling ever so slightly. "Please tell Luster that I'll be there this weekend," he stopped, and looked at her with trepidation, "that is…if you’re fine with that."
Starlight allowed herself to chuckle. "You're asking me? It's Luster's birthday, and she would be really happy if you’re there, and if she’s happy then that’s all that matters."
Somehow the happiness in Sunburst's face seemed to have decreased at her response. Or was she overthinking again?
The young man folded the piece of paper. "Are you on your way home now?"
"Uh, yeah. I'm…already done with everything for today." She told him without meeting his eyes.
"Alright, I'll walk you home, then." He declared as if he knew that she wouldn’t refuse him this time.
And he's right. She doesn't refuse. But she still made sure that they weren’t walking too close to make people think that things were getting better on their side of the world.