Gilda the griffin soared to the town of Ponyville. She was there to meet up with Rainbow Dash, the only real friend she ever had. Hopefully, the rainbow-maned pegasus was just as cool as the griffin remembered her. Finally, when Gilda got to Dash’s airborne home, Gilda found its resident crashed face-first into the outside wall.
Yep, Rainbow Dash was still as cool as ever.
“Hey Dash!” called Gilda coolly. “Wassup? You alright?”
“Gilda, hey! Nice of you to drop by. Yeah, it’s all good,” said Rainbow Dash. That is, if her mouth wasn’t currently filled with white fluff. Instead, it came out like this: “Hhhhmmmph! Murphy-hrrgg. Mmmgh gooph.”
“How didja end up like that, anyway?” asked Gilda, unfazed. Though she’d rather die than admit it, the griffin was no stranger to talking while implanted in a wall. Rainbow Dash pulled her head out of the clouds (literally) and explained.
Flashback to four seconds in the past…
“Y’all sure ‘bout this, Rainbow?” questioned Applejack, standing on top of the makeshift wooden diving board.
“Stop being such a pansy,” encouraged Rainbow Dash, positioned at the base of the see-saw. “Seriously, you’re starting to sound like Fluttershy. Now, just let me prepare myself for this. When I say ‘now,’ you jump.”
“Now?” said a slightly confused Applejack.
“Yeah, that the point of getting ready, isn’t it? Wait, what are you doing?! I didn’t mean NOW-now, just-WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And with that, Rainbow Dash was catapulted into the air.
One face-in-the-wall later…
“…And that’s when you showed up,” finished Rainbow Dash.
“Why didn’t you just take off by jumping off the ground, like you usually do?” inquired Gilda.
“Oh,” said Rainbow Dash. “I didn’t think of that. Could’ve saved me a whole morning of building eight different Dashapults with Derpy.”
“Hold up there for a minute,” Gilda interrupted. “Derpy? As in Derpy Hooves? As in only-pegsus-to-crash-land-more-than-you Derpy Hooves? She lives around here?”
“Hey!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “Derpy wasn’t the only one to crash more than me! Fluttershy crashed every time, remember?”
“Yeah, but she hardly flew at all!” laughed Gilda. “Besides, how did you think you earned your old nickname, Rainbow Crash?”
Dash gasped in shock. “You swore you’d never call me that!”
“Then I guess there’s only one way to settle this,” challenged Gilda.
“I guess there is, old friend,” replied Rainbow Dash seriously. After one full minute of a staredown, each knew exactly what the other would say and do.
“First one to the edge of Everfree Forest wins!” they cried out in ecstatic unison, goofy grins instantly sprouting on their faces. And with a “Readysetgo!” they took off.
Pinkie Pie was bouncing happily along the road, wearing a ridiculous pair of glasses, complete with a mustache, clown nose, and a noisemaker all attached with superglue. She spotted a brown streak in the sky trying to keep up with a rainbow-colored one and gasped.
“Oh no,” Pinkie thought out loud. “I was so busy having fun and becoming BFFs forever with Dashie that I forgot that Gilda was coming over in this episode! DAMN YOU, PLOT-CONVINCE FARIES! DAMN YOU ALL TO META!”
[Chill out Pinkie,] said Pinkamena. [You forgot that Gilda’s only supposed be visiting for one day only. The entire storyline of Griffin the Brush-Off is completely useless. At the end of the day, even if you don’t throw that party, she’ll still pack her bags and go home. Even if your precious “BBF forever” (gag me with a spoon) never finds out that Gilda’s such a stick-in-the-mud, it makes no difference. I say we sit back and do nothing: Gilda leaves, and poor Dash get one less broken heart. Everypony wins. Besides, what’s Gilda gonna do? Tell us to stay away from Rainbow Dash, even though she’s living in Celestia-knows-how many miles away from her?]
“But this is different!” argued Pinkie. “Did you forget that Dusk is a total chick-magnet in this fic? I’m not worried about Dashie, I’m worried about him! When Gilda lays eyes on Dusky-wusky, she’s going to go ga-ga for him! And then she’ll want to move to Ponyville and stay with us… FOREVER!”
[Th-the author wouldn’t do that!] denied Pinkamena. [He doesn’t have the balls!]
“Check the comments box,” Pinkie said with dread. “The readers want him to. Besides, already he wrote you into the story, didn’t he? What’s stopping him? Where does it end? Gilda? Trixie? Chrysalis? Molestia? Blueblood? An OC Mary Sue? Replacing Big Mac in Hearts and Hooves Day? Or even (Faust forbid!), DIAMOND TIARA??” Inside her mental prison, Pinkamena eyes widened in horror as her pupils became pinpricks.
[…We have to end this now,] she said gravely. [What’s the plan?]
“We keep an eye on Gilda and make sure she sees neither head nor tail of Dusk Shine. As far as she’s concerned, he doesn’t exist.” said Pinkie, with all the confidence and solemn dignity anypony could have while wearing the silliest Marx-glasses ever made.
“Ha! I beat you!” yelled Rainbow Dash as the two fliers reached their destination.
“No way,” said Gilda. “I totally bested you by a landslide!”
“Well I think-” Pinkie said as her head popped out from the bottom of the cloud. As soon as she appeared, she vanished just as quickly. There was a moment of silent confusion between Dash & Gilda before Pinkie’s head returned to the cloud base.
“-That Dashie won-” and she was gone again. The two winged daredevils looked down to the ground and saw that Pinkie Pie had set up a giant trampoline below them at a moment’s notice. “-Just by a feather!” she finished.
“Hey Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said. “How’s it hanging?”
“Super-de-” Where’s Pinkie Pie…?~ “-duper!” There she is! “Who’s your friend?” she said withholding the fact that she already knew Gilda via the divine powers of the fourth wall.
“Pinkie Pie, this is my best friend from Cloudsdale, Gilda. Yes, she’s a griffin. Gilda, this is Pinkie.”
“Charmed,” Gilda said with sarcasm and disdain. She didn’t know who the hay this pony was and she didn’t much care. All Gilda knew was that she hated her sugar-loving guts. How did Dash wind up with an annoying little ball of stupid like her? wondered the griffin. Doesn’t matter. Better give her the four-one-one as soon as Dash’s back is turned. “Hey Dash, did you come up with any new tricks to show off, or are you still old-school?”
“Old-school?” repeated Rainbow Dash. “I reinvented old school, not to mention made my own spin on all the Wonderbolt’s maneuvers with my own spin. Sit back G, this might take a while!” the pegasus took off, leaving her two friends to do as they pleased with each other.
“Look dweeb,” Gilda threatened. “I don’t think you have the IQ to comprehend what I’m saying, so listen closely, because I do not repeat myself: I don’t like you. I will never like you. So stay outta my way. And that means staying away from Dash, because I’m planning to tell her something I should have told her a long time ago. Got it?”
Pinkie froze in midair, turning off her gravity so she could speak uninterrupted. “”Nope!” she said sweetly.
“What?”
“No,” repeated Pinkie Pie. “I don’t get it. I never got it since you stormed off at that party.”
“What the buck are you talking about, freak?” said Gilda. “And how are you just standing in midair like that?”
“Never mind that,” dismissed Pinkie. “I’m saying that you don’t have to be meanie-pants. Sure, Dashie is the best friend that you ever had, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t have other friends. Beside, you’re not all bad! I mean, I’ve read some REALLY good fanfics about you having a well-written character arc, or you having some tragic backstory. Those always make me cry, by the way.”
“You don’t know me,” Gilda said, narrowing her gaze. “You don’t know jack about me! You don’t know jack about Dash, and you don’t know jack about anything!”
“Awww,” said Pinkie, a little disappointed. “Now you just sound like an angsty-wangsty teenager! That’s the job is for the badly-written comic book characters in the 90’s, remember?”
“BUCK OFF!” screamed Gilda, slashing Pinkie across the face.
“Ouchies!” said Pinkie. “That hurts, Gilda!”
“Good,” snarled Gillda. “Let that be a lesson.”
“Okie-Dokie-Lokie,” said Pinkie, not intimidated in the slightest. With that, she dropped down to the ground.
[So, what good was that?] asked Pinkamena cynically. [You didn’t do anything to make her avoid Dusk, you just made her angry!]
“Au contraire, my depressed double,” said Pinkie. “Your Auntie Pinkie has her methods. In fact, I boldly say that Gilda won’t be even in looking in Dusky’s direction.”
[How could you possibly know that?] Pinkamena argued. [What did you do?]
“Trust me on this one, Dusky’s in the clear,” Pinkie said. “But Gilda’s still in jeopardy of becoming a permanent resident in Ponyville! And that’s where you come in.”
[Me?!] Pinkamena exclaimed. [What I am I supposed to do??]
“Do everything you can to make Gilda leave Ponyville extra early today,” Pinkie put simply. “You have no restrictions.” With that, th party pony's mane and tail deflated as her pink coat gave way to a much darker tone.
“This is way OOC for you,” spoke Pinkamena, “but I like it!”
Applejack trudged into the bakery, exhausted from a hard day’s work. She was there to help Pinkie Pie run Sugercube Corner for without the help of the Cakes, and for the very first time too! All the party pony needed was some help with the baking.
“Sorry Ah’m late, Sugercube,” said Applejack, tired to the point of intoxication, “Ah must’ve *yawn* dozed off again.”
“Don’t worry,” said Pinkamena, doing her best Pinkie Pie impression. “The important thing is that you’re here now.”
“Pinkie, you don’t look so hunky-dory,” Applejack slurred. “What happened ta yer mane? An’ why ain’tcha smilin’?”
Pinkemena smiled. It wasn’t a very pleasant smile. To illustrate, I’m going to tell what each pink pony’s smile said to those who looked upon it. Pinkie’s smile said this:
Hi! I’m going to throw a huuuge party for you and put a smile on your face!
Pinkamena’s smile said this:
Alright bucko, here’s what’s gonna go down: I’m going to violently chop you up into tiny little pieces with the nearest sharp object I can find. Then, I’m going to rape every single last one of those pieces until I’m so wet that I can sing “Shoo bee doo,” and onlookers will swear that they saw a seapony. Then, I’m going to throw those pieces into a plastic bag, throw that bag into a ditch, and tell all your loved ones that you committed suicide because they didn’t love you enough. Then, I’m going to release the filmed footage of me killing you online, so all the sick psychos out there can jerk off to you to insure that your immortal soul can never be at rest, and I’ll be making money off your pain. And I will do all of this laughing my plot off.
Pinkamena’s smile sure was a talkative one.
Fortunately, Applejack didn’t know right from left at the time, much less basic body langue, so she was blissfully ignorant.
“There ya go!” said Applejack. “That’s th’ Pinkie Ah know. Now, whut are we doin’ again?”
“Baking muffins!” Pinkamena said. “Because some bronies still have nightmares from Sergeant Sprinkle’s last creation.”
“Pardon?” said Applejack, a little dazed. “Ah can’t brain today, Ah have th’ dumb.”
“That’s the idea, redneck,” muttered Pinkamena.
“Say again?”
“I said it’s time for our first ingredient!” corrected Pinkamena in mock joy. “Baking soda.”
“Soda?” said AJ. “Not th’ first ingredient fer muffins, but okay.” She got some root beer from the fridge, and poured it into the bowl. “What’s next?”
“*Snort*S-s-sugar,” said Pinkamena, snickering a little.
“Boogers? Now that’s jus’ gross,” gagged Applejack, mishearing Pinkamina again. “But then again, Rarity served us some snails from Prance a while back at that picnic, so Ah guess this must be some fancy muffins!” She picked her nose and flicked the contents into the bowl. “Now what?”
Ten minutes later…
“So that’s soda, boogers, some fish, raw eggs, some raw sewage fer good measure, some of Winona’s dog treats, breast milk, orange juice, some live fish fer protein, chestnuts, Spike’s toe jam, the number four (how’d that get there?), cheddar cheese, eight plastic sporks, a cup of nitroglycerin (what’s that word mean again?), nine meters of rope, Granny Smith’s glass eye (she gonna need that back, by th’ way), a snipe from when went snipe huntin’, a table spoon of salt, and that… thing ya brought from th’ local power plant (An’ Ah SWEAR Ah jus’ saw it move again!),” listed Applejack. “How many muffins are we gonna make, exacly?”
“One,” said Pinkamena with a completely straight face. “We’re going to make one giant muffin.”
“In that case, won’t we need more ingredients?” AJ said.
“Well, thinking about it, there is one more thing we need,” Pinkamena said.
“What’s that?”
“The bowl.”
“Excuse me?”
“The bowl we’ve putting all the ingredients in. It’s going to be part of the muffin.”
“Ah don’t think we should-”
“Applejack, listen to me,” Pinkamena said. “To spiritually become one with the dish, the Tupperware must become one with it physically. Baking isn’t just a job. It isn’t just art form, either. Baking can even be a way of life, but only the truly worthy can see that cooking can be a path to enlightenment. Make the bowl an ingredient Applejack, and you will see the path. Have faith, and the light will guide you.”
Inside their mind, Pinkie wiped a tear from her eye. [Th-that w-was s-so beautiful!] she sobbed. [WWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!]
Too bad it was complete horseapples, huh? thought Pinkamena, rolling her eyes.
“Alright Sugercube,” said Applejack. “Ah’ll include th’ bowl. Wait a minute,” she thought aloud as she froze. “How are we gonna serve one muffin ta all yer customers?”
“Don’t worry,” Pinkamena said with a smirk. “This particular muffin is just for a special someone.”
“Who didja have in mind?” asked Applejack.
“Applejack, I think it’s time you all met Gilda…”
Following continuity, Pinkie threw a party for Gilda. Under Pinkamena’s insistence, she “forgot” to invite Dusk, just to be on the safe side.
“SURPRISE!~” yelled everypony as Gilda walked in.
“Whoa!” Rainbow Dash said, following Gilda into Sugercube Corner. “You threw a party for Gilda? Pinkie, that’s awesome! I knew you two would get along.”
“Yeah, totally,” grumbled Gilda.
Fortunately, Pinkie Pie had a lifetime of dealing with Pinkamena, so she had problem of keeping thoughts inside her head. “As a token of my friendship Gilda, Applejack and I baked you this ginormous muffin!” she announced, pushing up a food cart that carries the biggest muffin that Gilda ever saw. It was discolored green in some places, and gave off a funny smell.
Three blocks down, Derpy was giving her daughter a nice bubble bath. Suddenly, a shiver ran down the pegasus’ spine, and her ears perked up in attention.
“Mommy, what’s going on? Don’t you want to play Mr. Ducky?” asked Dinky.
“Playtime with Ducky McQuackerson will have to wait, Dinky,” Derpy said, her mind instantly turning to a sacred duty that she and she alone could perform. “Mommy’s muffin senses are tingling…”
Back at Sugercube Corner, Gilda’s features twisted in disgust. “There’s no way I’m gonna eat that,” she rejected. “In fact, I think I should report that for being a public health hazard!”
“G!” hissed Rainbow Dash. I think you’d better take the muffin, and quick.”
“Why?” Gilda said obviously.
"You don’t remember how you-know-who get about muffins?" Dash warned, trying to keep her voice as low as possible.
As if on cue, Derpy Hooves crashed through the widow. “Hey there, Gilda!” she said, expertly recovering from the crash landing. “Is that your muffin?”
Gilda smiled smugly. “Why yes Derpy, it is. But I’m not going to eat it. Seeing how you like it so much, it’s yours.”
Derpy’s eyes widened like it was Hearth’s Warming’s Eve. “Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!”
“Derpy!” Pinkie cried out in dread, seeing Gilda’s plan. “Don’t eat the-” But it was too late, for Derpy had already took humungous bite of the Death Muffin. She chewed slowly, savoring the flavor. Her munching slowed as the cross-eyed pegasus comprehended the flavor. She took another bite, just to make sure. Then another. Then another.
“This isn’t a muffin…” Derpy said suspiciously.
“Derpy I’m so-” Pinkie began.
“This is a GODSEND!”
“…Sorry?”
“Sorry? How could you be sorry for this?” said Derpy, her heart leaping in utter happiness. “This muffin-no, this blessing has every good taste known to poykind, and then some! It’s chewy, crunchy, buttery, sweet, sour, creamy, spicy, melty, and mouth-watering all in one! How much blood, sweat and tears did it take to even make this thing anyway?”
“Well I…” began Pinkie Pie.
“Silence!” Derpy shushed. “This muffin and its ultra-secret recipe must only be used for good!”
“Hey!” said Gilda. “If that muffin’s so good, why should you have it all to yourself? Give it back!”
“Never!” shouted Derpy with anger. “You gave it to me, and nopony comes between me and my Precious!”
“Your Precious?” Rainbow Dash deadpanned.
“Yeeesssssss,” hissed Derpy, clinging to her muffin. “My Prrreeeciousssss…”
“Okay Derpy, you’re starting to scare us,” said mare named Carrot Top. “Step away from the muffin.”
“Never!” snapped Derpy. “Nopony’s touches Derpy’s Prec-*BARF*”
And that’s when the muffin hit Derpy’s digestive system, making her vomit all over Gilda, making the biggest mess since, well, the last mess Derpy made.