//------------------------------// // The Guard's New Nightmare // Story: The Advisors // by JustAnotherHistoryBuff //------------------------------// Canterlot Castle was the safest place in the entirety of Equestria. That was a very well known fact that many understood. And yet still, some third rate villain always managed to find their way into the city and rain down chaos upon it's citizens... For about an hour or two. It really just depended on the villain. The record holder for longest sustained invasion of Canterlot was currently Discord, and he even had the plaque to prove it. Today's incident however was the last straw. It was nothing major at all, but it was incredibly stupid. Well, one could say incredibly stupid is sort of an understatement. The fact that Celestia herself had consulted Luna to find anypony to fix the Royal Guard was disturbing enough. This was so bad that while Luna searched, Celestia decided to recall Shining Armor back from the Crystal Empire and his Princely duties in order to Captain the Royal Guard temporarily until proper ponies could be found to lead it competently. So now Luna searched. At first she considered consulting the Griphons but she knew that it would take a lot of gold to even get one competent bird brain of an officer to help rebuild the guard. Next, she thought of going to the Minotaurs, but the only remotely intelligent Minotaur in existence was Ironwill, and he was a lawyer, not a soldier. All out of options, she opted to enter one of her "storage closets" where she kept all of her old spells and relics. Of course Celestia removed a lot of the relics which were quite dangerous, but Luna, being the smart Princess she was, opted to hide and keep a few just in case. One such relic was similar to Celestia's mirror back in the Crystal Empire. However, instead of some portal in the form of an inanimate object, Luna simply pulled out a spell book and summoning ritual. Setting the whole thing up, Luna made sure that she set all the wards around the room so not even Celestia could enter before she performed the ritual. Chanting the primitive words, Luna vanished from existence with a flash. *** *** *** Being god was hard for God. There were perks of course, but even maintaining balance in every universe was nerve-racking for an all powerful, worshipped, immortal and celestial creature. That is why he had his angels do his tasks for him while he began to take up more hands on management of Heaven. But even management can wait for old friends. When he sensed the ritual about to be performed, God immediately dropped what he was doing (something unholy if one wishes to know) and made sure to pass the daily budget review for Heaven onto Michael (even Heaven has to have a budget). He knew he could only trust Michael with the budget, especially after he tried letting Lucifer handle Heaven's budget (granted, he has gotten better with budget management in hell now). Putting on a white Pinstripe suit and making sure everything was set up, God snapped a rather nice table and tea-set into existence on top of a balcony overlooking the near infinite rows of homes and parks that dotted Heaven and simply waited. It was not long before his guest arrived, and when she did, God could not help but smile. "Luna, it is such a pleasure to see you again! My... how long has it been, 1000 years?" He said to his guest. "1014 to be exact. How are you doing Chuck?" Luna answered as she made her way over to him. "As good as God can be doing!" He said with a hearty laugh. "Oh, where are my manners? Please, sit down and allow me to pour you a cup of tea." He said, pulling out one of the seats and gesturing over to Luna to sit. "Always the gentlemen. I am sorry for not keeping in touch the past few centuries. Being banished on the moon doesn't exactly allow for easy contact." She said, sitting down in her chair. "Yes well... Balance must be preserved." God said. "I admit, I understand that but back then, I did not fully grasp it." Luna said as God poured her tea. "Ah, don't be so drab. The past is the past! Even I cannot change it so be thankful that you don't have to ask for generals to be loaned over again." God said as he dropped 2 sugar cubes into Luna's tea. Immediately, he knew why she had visited as her face said it all when its expression changed at the statement. "Well... That is sort of the reason for the call..." Luna began. "It is alright, just tell me what happened. Put it bluntly or explain it depth, as far as we are concerned, I have all the time in the universe." He reassured with a slight chuckle under his breath. "Well, to simply put it... The Royal Guard is in terrible state at the moment. It is not a matter of shortage of volunteers or budget cuts... But rather, dare I say this about my subjects but incompetence!" She explained. "So... No loans in need to wage war against your sibling?" He said. With that, Luna gave him a bit of a shit face. "Hey, it is just a little joke." "Well, you are right in that case. But I don't just need administrators and tacticians, I need strategists, trainers, the whole lot!" She said. "I see... Well, I am sure Old Caesar and his boys may be able to help again..." God began before being cut off by Luna. "No. As much as I like them, their methods of war and tactics are too outdated. I want something more modern, but I don't want a idiot who can't tell what the Tartarus it means to fight back. I had Mareclellan for that job." With that last statement, God chuckled. "What was so funny?" Luna inquired. "Oh nothing... It is just, I know someone very similar to what you just described." He said. "Well, as much as I am in the mood for more small talk and catching up, I really must hurry as I do not want my dear sister to see that I have gone. I know how much her little thing with cake can become... annoying, to say the least." Luna stated. "Oh well that is no problem but I do agree, she needs to get some help with that... Now, what selection would you like? In the past millennium, quite a fashionable amount of commanders have gone through their lives. Some are honorable, others ruthless for their own personal gain. Here, I'll give you a portfolio and you may tell me what era seems to please you. I personally would recommend before what humanity calls, the "Cold War". All the fighting seems to take place in jungles and deserts there... very little cohesion." He said, snapping a few folders of conflicts into view and handing it to Luna. For a few minutes, he watched Luna search through each conflict portfolio, no doubt wondering how much she missed in the years that she was gone. She seemed quite interested in the Napoleonic Era but she cast that document to the side saying that it still seemed less modern. Finally though, she did seem to find a conflict she found fitting. "So, you want the one of the Second World War eh? Well, I am going to have to limit the selection there." God stated. "And why is that?" Luna asked. "I'll tell you what. I lend you the documentation on the entire conflict and what happened on the side with it... trust me, it is a handful and when you read it, you'll understand why I limited your choices." "Alright. Well, is there anyone in here that isn't afraid to more of less, to not kiss a rear and will probably yell at someone for bucking... fucking up?" Luna asked, scanning through the portfolios. With a snap of his finger, the portfolios on generals narrowed down to a select few right before Luna's eyes. "Who is this Walter Model?" She asked, pointing to a picture of a human wearing a monocle. "Ah, the Front Swine. I must say, he did get the job done but his officers absolutely hated him. At one point when he was given a new command, all of his officers decided to request a transfer, it was that bad. He is also quite foul mouthed and when he came up here, reception sent him straight to hell. He is just a very disgusting man..." God stated." "I... I see... alright, so... who is this Bernard Montgomery now?" Luna said looking through the portfolio. "Monty... he is an, interesting character... and I have seen them all, heh. He can make you a good army but be warned, he doesn't like to dirty it up, so to speak. You get what I mean?" "I guess, anything else I should know? "Yes, he has a notorious lack of diplomacy. That man will take a joke seriously no matter how it was intended." God said, looking back to the story Eisenhower told him when he first arrived in Heaven about the B-17. "Ok... next one. Now, what about this Patton?" Luna asked. "Ah, Old Blood and Guts. Very... temperamental. All the qualities you want, but if you are gonna take him, there are a few others that I will require you take with him. And that is for your guard's own safety." God said. "Well... you can't have everything I guess... Well, who else do I need to take?" Luna asked. "I'll send Eisenhower and Bradley with him. Those two have kept him in line before so I trust them to do it again. OH! And I will also send Monty to you in a few weeks once they get settled in." "Why is that?" "Simple, Monty annoys the shit out of all of them." God said. With that, the two had a good laugh and conversed for a few more minutes before parting ways. *** *** *** Two Weeks Later Quiet was a word that was supposed to be peaceful in Canterlot castle. However, in recent weeks, that word had been associated with the upcoming change that the guard was to experience ever since Celestia and Luna snapped. For the now former Captain of the Guard Mareclellan, he was walking to a meeting that probably was going to determine his date within the guard, along with the officers he appointed. Making his way through the silent halls of the castle, he began to look back at his career from the point he enlisted. Granted, he wasn't the best tactician but he was a pretty good administrator so when the previous Captain married his way into royalty, the bureaucratic nobles managed to persuade the princesses (for once) to put a good administrator in charge of the Royal Guard to save money since the Elements of Harmony could handle all the problems. But now... The princesses would have their way, albeit in an entirely different fashion from what he had heard. Making his way to the recently added conference room in the castle's eastern enclave, Mareclellan found himself in front of two large and imposing doors with a couple of guards opposite each other on each side. With a simple salute, the guards opened the doors simultaneously and only closed them when Mareclellan entered the darkened room. When the door closed, the feeling of fear fell over him as he wondered what his fate would be. Suddenly, a light turned on from the chandelier above that revealed Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, the former Captain Shining Armor, and 3 odd looking bipedals wearing olive green uniforms. Two of them had caps in front of them on the table adorned in an eagle holding a shield with stars on it while the rather tall looking one (and the seemingly pissed off one as well) had a helmet with 4 stars imprinted on it. For a second, he stood there in silence as he was being studied by the beings top to bottom, making him extremely uncomfortable. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the silence was broken when the tall one suddenly spoke up. "So... This is the chucklefuck we have to fix. Seems like this gonna be an interesting one boys." He said, earning a look from the bald one and a subtle facepalm from the other. Little did Mareclellan know that this was to be the new nightmare that would plague him for as long as he fucked up.