June 8th, Wednesday, 2030
I grunt as I walk outside, early in the morning, like usual. I look behind me to see Whisk and I’s new house. It’s a bit bigger, it’s blue, and it has a few more rooms than the last one. The last one burnt down because I tried to cook something for Whisk at one point. Apparently, according to Whisk, alcohol does not speed up cooking as much as I think it does. However, I apparently knew everything, so I tried to prove her wrong by using a whole bottle of whiskey to cook a steak, while using a lighter. Looking back, probably the stupidest shit I’ve ever done. But hey, we got a bigger house now. I yawn as I hear Whisk call her goodbyes out to me. “Bye Anon! Have a good day, okay!?” She yells as I walk away. I turn back and give a smile and a wave.
“I will! Try to have a good day too!” I call. I continue my walk, feeling rather happy with myself. I mean, nothing’s complicated, work is still kickass, and terrorist attacks have been getting lower and lower for the past couple of years. Granted, it could all fall apart, but I’ll enjoy this while it lasts. One thing that continue to surprise me, is that Twilight hasn’t made many bad decisions so far, aside from the Confetti Plan. That was hell. Pure hell. Again, other than that, she’s been capable. Luna and Celestia still send me letters, and I still fuck with them. Luna’s still itching to do something, and retirement is too slow for her. So of course, she solves this by disguising herself and partying it up in different cities. At least, that’s what she told me. Celestia occasionally disguised herself as well, joining up with the main population, like Canterlot or Manehatten, to check up on them. Now, I haven’t really changed that much since ten years ago, after the war. However, Whisk and I did get engaged. I think she wanted us to be officially wed during November or December, when we first got together. Most people would still be in a sort of shocked state at this point. I’m not really shocked, if I’m being honest. It’s not like much will change, we already live together and everything. I think it's unnecessary, but when I saw how excited Whisk was, I can only snicker and go along with it. I asked her if she wanted a prenup, but she didn't think we'd need one. I wonder what kind of dress she'll wear? I mean, there are only so many ways you can dress something with four legs. Wait, would it be like making a cat wear a sweater? I've never really seen griffons in clothes before, other than socks...
I stretch and yawn as I head into the business building at the Checkpoint. Nothing much changed in the last ten years, other than the couple of floors above me. We have a couple more secretaries who are under Clipper's wing, or forleg, or whatever the fuck their version of the- no it would be wing because they have pegasi. I shake my head to get back my focus as I open and walk through the door. "Morning Clipper," I greet. Clipper, now in her early thirties, looks up and smiles.
"Morning sir! I have a letter for you from the Princess!" Clipper says, pulling out an envelope. I take it and rip off the seal. I take out the letter itself.
Dear Anon,
It's been a while, hasn't it? About four or five years, right? Ever since I was made to be the princess of Equestria, I have been busy to no end. There are papers, more papers, and even more papers. Quite frankly, I'm beginning to wonder why you like what you do. In any case, I wanted to meet up with you for tea at noon. I have already requested a sub for you. Do not worry, I'll return you to your post about an hour after noon.
Your friend, Twilight Sparkle.
I hum in interest. “Thanks Clipper. I’ll see you around, okay?” I say, giving a nod to her before I start walking out. The moment I step out the door, I see Spearhead in the corner of my eye.
“Anon, I need some advice,” he says as he walks up. I sigh.
“Is it about Stripes?” I ask knowingly. Spearhead sighs, looking away for a second.
“Yes," he says, a little embarrassed.
“Alright, what’s going on?” I ask, readying myself for a weird question.
“So, there’s this video game coming out, and it's not entirely... kid friendly,“ he says, rubbing the back of his neck.
"How?" I ask. "Is there blood, gore, intense stuff like that?"
"Well, no-"
"Are you trying to make him learn about the birds and the bees through it?" I question.
"What? No, he uh, already learned that from his classmates at school," he mutters.
"So what's the problem?"
"... It just looks a bit... violent," he says.
"Spear, your kid watches cartoons. Cartoons are technically about as violent as games, which is to say, they aren't," I say.
"How do you know?" Spearhead asks with uncertainty.
"My people had cartoons, and the older generations said it would be awful. Turns out, the generation that grew up with cartoons were not as violent as any other generation," I say. "It fucking amazes me that no one talks about how there were crusades and public executions, one of which was seen as normal entertainment at one point, but oh well."
"... Anon, your people are weird," Spearhead says. I sigh, getting back on topic.
“Right, anyway, I would suggest making sure he understands that a video game isn’t real. The point of a video game is to make sure one can do anything in their own space,” I say. “As long as you make sure that they understand that a virtual world is the only place to do bad things where you can just reset it all if it goes sideways.” Spearhead nods, acknowledging my advice.
“...Are you sure I can’t just-“ I stop him by putting a hand on his shoulder.
“He’s a kid Spearhead, let him be a kid,” I deadpan. “Isn’t he, like, ten or something? What game would he want anyway?”
“Oh, uh, Final Dreams IX,” Spearhead answers.
“Oh fuck yeah, get him that!” I say instantly. “Dude, I remember when I was little and I played the human version of it. It was kickass!"
“Are you sure?” Spearhead asks.
“Buddy, if this is Sudoku, I’d be playing with a sharpie,” I say. My friend laughs, nodding.
“Okay, if you’re sure,” he says, walking away to his post. I nod and go back to my walk towards my usual spot. Now, to start the day. I lean towards the mic.
"Next!"
The first entrant to walk in is a... pony wearing a big orange space suit? "Uh-" The pony takes off her helmet to show it's Pinkie. "Oh. Hey Pinkie. Costume party in Yakyakistan?" I ask.
"Yupperoony pepperoni!" She says, nodding.
"... Right, papers please," I say. Pinkie hands me her papers, I quickly check over them. As I do so, a portal opens up behind Pinkie, where a certain jumbled-together-piece-of-shit pokes his chaotic head through.
"Oh Anon! I have a ques-"
"Wait in line," I cut him off. Discord frowns and crosses his arms.
"Well that's no way to treat a friend," he says with a huff.
"Yeah Anon, you kinda owe him one since he let you keep your phone from Human Earth while you were visiting someone," Pinkie says. "Which is super duper neato, with Reddit, Youtube, and-"
"Okay, fine, what is it Discord?" I ask, rubbing my temples.
"You see, I'm bored, and no one's interesting enough to mess with, and I want to say it's your fault," Discord says.
"Oh really, how'd you figure that?" I ask bemusedly, giving Pinkie's passport a green stamp.
"Well, in this timeline, you weren't supposed to exist, and you somehow managed to make even more harmony than the other timelines!" Discord says exasperatedly. "I mean, seriously! How do you expect me to have fun when you somehow cut it all short! I wish you were more like Celestia or Luna, they make things interesting," he pouts. I shrug.
"So? Sue me," I say. Discord snaps to attention suddenly, looking me in the eyes. Slowly, but surely, he forms a big grin, big enough to literally outstretch his face.
"That's it!" He says. "Anon, I have something to do today!" I frown as I see his excitedness.
"That's not good," I mutter to myself.
"I'll get some things ready, when are you free today?" He asks.
"I actually have a booked schedule. Besides, Twilight already invited me for tea-"
"Splendid! I'll see you then!" Discord says, popping out of existence. Pinkie looks at me with a smile.
"You're in troublllle," she says like a first grader catching a kid with his hand in the cookie jar.
"Yep. See you around Pinkie," I say as she walks off. I sigh and lean towards the mic. "Next!"
The next entrant is a pony I haven't seen in quite a while now. Applejack, wearing her stetson as usual, though a couple of grey hairs highlighting her mane are still visible. She walks in, chuckling. "Anon, howdy!" She says, walking up.
"Hey AJ. How's the family?" I ask.
"Well, Big Mac's still kickin'. His wedding was bucked three ways from Sunday though," she says.
"Damn. How?" I ask.
"Pinkie's kids handled confetti," she answers. Ah, yes, Pinkie has kids. Applejack said something like that a while ago, maybe five or six years ago. I stare at her for a minute.
"... Aren't they, like, five or something?" I ask.
"Yep. Takin' after their folks at such a young age already," Applejack chuckles. I smirk.
"What about Applebloom? Is she still happy working under Too-Much-Glitter?" I ask.
"Anon, it's Starlight Glimmer, and yes, she's still plenty happy!" Applejack says with a laugh. I smile warmly, but Applejack suddenly frowns. "I uh, before you start getting too happy, I need to share something with you." I drop my smile and lean in a little.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
"I... I'm uh..." Applejack visibly struggles to speak, which is a very bad sign coming from her. Finally, she sighs. "... Nevermind, now's not a good time. I want to tell you, but Pinkie's waiting on me for our 'Back In Equestria' Party," she says, laughing a little. I can tell she's hiding something, but I know Applejack enough to know I can't really force it out of her. Yes, it's obvious when she lies, but that doesn't stop her from continuously lying or changing the subject. I give her a grimace before reluctantly stamping her papers green. As she tries to take her passport back, I hold it still with a hand, making her look at me in confusion.
"Promise me you'll tell me what's up," I say. She sighs, nodding. "Say it." Applejack audibly gulps and speaks up.
"I-I promise Anon," she says. Seeing how she's not lying, I let go of her papers, allowing her to leave as she silently thanks me with a nod. "See ya sugarcube, be safe now."
"You too AJ," I say. As she leaves, I give a heavy sigh and lean towards the mic. "Next!" I call.
The next entrant is a young, cloaked pegasus. A pink, cloaked pegasus. I can feel my blood pressure rising, as I momentarily get flashbacks to Cozy's War. "... Please remove your hood," I say, already reaching for my crossbow. Time paradoxes or not, I am not going through that shit again.
"W-what if I don't want to?!" Says the filly. I immediately calm down as I heard her voice. Nope, it may be childish, but I recognize that voice for a different filly. A filly that should be in the Crystal Empire, watched over by her father. I sigh in exasperation, planting my face in the desk as I feel all the tension lift off my shoulders.
"Jesus Christ," I quietly mutter. "Flurry, what are you doing here?" I ask irritably, looking up. The filly gasps.
"H-how did you-"
"Pink fur, larger-than-average-wings, and you didn't change your voice. It's not hard to tell it's you when I already knew you since you were five," I say, reaching over and pulling off her hood. I will say this, atleast she hid her horn and cutie mark this time. Recently, she's been leaving the Empire to wander around Ponyville. However, I usually stop her when she tries to come through my checkpoint. "You're gonna have to do a lot better if you think you can get by me," I say. Flurry Heart, flashing me a glare before her magic reveals her true form. Pink, purple and cyan sparkly hair, green eyes, and about the average size of a filly. “I mean, c’mon, do I look that stupid?” I ask.
“No Mr Anon,” she mutters.
“Welp, lucky for you, I don’t need to call your parents,” I say, crossing my arms. Flurry Heart gasps excitedly, looking up at me. “I’m having tea with your Aunt Twilight this afternoon, so I can drop you off with her.” Just like that, her hope is squished like a car in a... car... compactor... thing... I really need a list of analogies with me, then I wouldn’t have self-induced shitty awkward moments like this with my internal monologues. Anyway, the point is, Flurry looks like she knows she’s screwed. “Though, I gotta hand it to you, you beat Maple in terms of the ‘Youngest Runaway I’ve Met’ award.”
“Mr Anon, exactly, how much trouble am I in?” Flurry asks.
“Would you like a pie chart or a line graph?” I ask. “Because you know your Aunt, can’t just do a scale of one to ten.” To this, Flurry nervously laughs in agreement.
“Um, is there a chance you could shield me during her lecture about safety and responsibility?” She asks. I scoff.
“That’s a good one,” I say, earning a deadpanned glare from her. “Look, just climb over here. I’m not letting you out of my sight since I know for fact you’ll run off again.”
“Well, why not have a guard escort me?” Flurry asks with a bit of hope in her voice.
“Because they’re dependable for hostile situations, not princess babysitting,” I point out. She sighs. “Besides, from what Twilight and your father has said, you’re clever enough to outsmart them.” Flurry hovers pass the desk with her wings, landing beside me. “Go back into your disguise for now, alright? The last thing I need is a news report about a princess staying in my booth.” Flurry sighs and brings her disguise back up.
“Y’know, I wouldn’t run away if my parents would just trust me more,” she mutters irritably. I sigh, rubbing my temples. I recognize that attitude, I might as well try to nip this in the bud while I can.
“Kid, you just tried to go to another country to have a leisurely walk in Ponyville,” I say.
“That’s not true! I have a friend that’s staying in Ponyville, and it’s rare I ever get to talk to her!” She says.
“Okay, fine, you’re visiting a friend, tell me, what did it take to get here?” I ask. “Didn’t you lie or deceive your parents? Didn’t you just prove to them that you would do something they’re afraid of you doing?”
“But it’s because they wouldn’t trust me!” Flurry protests.
“Kid, that’s not the point. The point is, they have no idea where you are right now, and you’re irreplaceable to them,” I say. “You might have a lot of power and strength, but you’re not really street smart. A lot of people can take advantage of you faster than you can blink.” Flurry huffs and crosses her arms.
“Oh, what do you know?” She mumbles.
“I know a bit more than you do, I know that much,” I mutter. It’s a little frustrating, being talked to like that, but Flurry’s literally ten or eleven or something. Quite frankly, it’s a bit laughable really. However, since my words don’t seem to go through to her, I’ll just show her what I mean. After all, people trying to lie to me is common at the Checkpoint. Thankfully, since Flurry's short enough, she can't really be seen from where the entrants normally stand. “I will say this kid, your parents shelter you a bit too much.” Before she can say anything, I lean towards the mic. “Next!” The next entrant is a dragon, which makes me tense up a bit. I admit, ever since the war, my view on dragons are a bit... biased. Granted, I still treat them like I treat everybody, but now, I always have a small nagging fear of their seemingly naturally violent behavior.
"Damn, this place stinks," the grey dragon mutters, walking up. "Would it kill you to, I dunno, not have a shitty checkpoint?"
"I dunno, would it kill you to shut the hell up and just give me your papers?" I ask. I'm trying not to cuss too much in front of Flurry, but I'm still going to use my usual antics.
"Tch, fine," he says, handing me his papers. "Can't believe I have to go to this stupid country for a business trip," he mutters as I check his papers.
"Well, start believing, it's gonna happen whether you like it or not," I say.
"Watch it buddy, I know damn well I can take you out," the dragon snarls.
"Bold of you to assume you'd accomplish it," I say, handing over his green passport. The dragon huffs some smoke out, chuckling.
"You know what? I like you. You got some guts," he says. "Most would be too chickenshit to stand up to me."
"Unless you can tell me why I would care, please get out," I say. "You're holding people up." The dragon barks out a genuine laugh and nods in respect to me before leaving. Flurry looks up at me, confused.
"Well, he wasn't very nice, why did he like you when you back talked him though?" She asks.
"Because tough people like competition sometimes. Not competition that could get in the way of what they're doing, but competition over who backs down first in certain situations," I answer. "It's not about sounding tough, but about standing your ground."
"So, he didn't get mad at you for your rudeness, because you were standing up to him?" Flurry asks in confusion.
"Eh, something like that," I say. "It's a bit more complicated than that, but that's good enough for now." I lean towards the mic. "Next!"
The next entrant is a changeling, blue and bright blue with orange wings. "You look like something from out of Sunset Overdrive," I mutter.
"What?" He asks.
"Nothing, passport please," I say. The changeling hands over his papers, allowing me to realize that, upon closer inspection, one of his forelegs is a prosthetic. "Oh cool, you're a cyborg," I say. The changeling blinks.
"Um, what?"
"Bro, you got a metal arm, you're a cyborg," I say. He looks at his leg for a second.
"Uh, i-it's really not that good. Everypony gets disturbed by it," he mutters.
"Well screw them, you have a metal arm that uses magic and technology for a useful function-" I stop to gesture at the metal leg. "-thus, you're a literal cyborg. Congratulations, you're cooler than most changelings."
"You... You think it's cool?" He asks. I shrug.
"Well, it's cool to me," I say. The changeling looks at his leg again with a different view, smiling to himself as he inspects it.
"I'm a cyborg," he whispers to himself in awe. I stamp his papers green and allow him to go through.
"Um, Mr Anon, why did you do that?" Flurry asks as the changeling gets out of earshot.
"Do what?" I ask.
"Y'know, make him feel better," Flurry says. I shrug.
"Well, I didn't really have any goal in mind. It was different, I thought it was cool, so I expressed my opinion," I say.
"What if he got offended?" Flurry asks.
"In that case, oh well. I got my opinion out, I don't need to validate it. If he got offended, then I just don't say it again and apologize. Simple as that," I answer.
"Okay, that makes sense," Flurry says, nodding. I nod back and lean towards the mic.
"Next!" I say. The next entrant comes in, a green mare with messy white hair and red eyes carrying a saddle. When I say red eyes, I mean the kind of eyes that make you wonder if she's high or just tired.
"Hello Mister. Here are my papers." she says politely, giving me her papers. I hum in acknowledgement, taking them and looking them over.
"... Ma'am, did you eat anything recently? Your weight's off," I say. "Like, really off."
"I-I just gained weight, that's all," the mare replies.
"I wish I could pull off the Johnny Johnny meme, this shit would be so accurate," I mutter to myself. "Welp. Face the scanner." The pony does so as I hear to two clicks of a camera. Photos come out from the desk, and I look at them to see that there is a bag of a powdery substance in the saddle bag she's carrying. "Tsk tsk, you came to the wrong house fool," I mutter. As the mare turns to me, I start reaching for the walkie-talkie to call in Spearhead, but the mare stops me.
"W-wait, please! I need to carry this over for someone!" She pleads, leaning through the window. "I-It's medicine! I swear-"
"If you don't back off, I'm going to do worse than just calling security," I say. The mare backs off, and I can see that she's high. I recognize the signs other than the red eyes. She was completely calm, but now she's freaking out. Not like a normal person, who would be panicking on the inside, but rather like she suddenly developed an intense anxiety attack in a snap. Tears are down her face, she's mumbling to herself, etc. It's sad to see, though I trust that the rehab they developed recently will be fine with them. As far as I know, rehab is not at all what I went through when I was forced into it. They kinda realized that it was retarded to subject everyone to the same treatment without proper examination. Then again, it's not like the basics of the psychological mind is easy to understand, but damn if it didn't take them forever to figure it out. Anyway, I pull up the communication device and call in Spearhead. Seconds later, he opens the door, walks in, and drags the panicking drug addict out. I wave bye to him as he does his thing while Flurry looks at me questioningly.
“Was... Was that necessary?” She asks.
“Yep.”
“But... She was crying,” she points out. I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. Okay, my decision earlier is starting to bite me in the ass now. I mean, the kid’s ten, I don’t think Twilight or Cadence is gonna be happy that her kid just saw a drug addict freaking out.
“Well... She needed help, yes, but this is the only way I can actually help her,” I say. “If I let her through, she would only get into more trouble.”
“Do they just, not know any better?” Flurry asks.
“Eh, kinda sorta,” I say. “Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t.” With that, Flurry goes silent as I call in another entrant.
Flurry hums a song to herself as I write out forms in my office, writing the occasional ‘Fuck You’ form as usual. The substitute inspector arrived a few minutes ago, so I have Flurry chilling next to me in my office while we wait for Twilight to teleport us. Flurry looks at me suddenly, putting a stop to her own hums. “... You remind me of Daddy.” I stop to look at her.
“... How?” I ask. I mean, Shining’s quite a bit different from me, so I am curious as to how I’m similar to him.
“Daddy always works in a small office with a bunch of paper everywhere, and he’s always busy,” she says. I hum in acknowledgement, continuing my work. “... How long do you work?” She asks.
“Um, from six in the morning to ten or twelve at night,” I say. Flurry furrows her brow and looks at one of her wings, counting feathers.
“Seven... noon... five... That’s eighteen hours!” She says in amazement.
“... Yep,” I mutter, signing a form for a sort of upgrade to our radios. This’ll come in handy.
“Do you stamp papers all day and write all night!?” Flurry asks. I chuckle.
“No, I go home, sleep for about five to six hours, and repeat the day.”
“All week?!” To this, I laugh.
“No, I get Sundays off,” I say.
“Not even Saturday!?” Flurry continues in amazement. She sits on her haunches, covering her head at the thought of school on, God forbid, a Saturday!
“It’s not so bad, I actually love what I do,” I say. “Keeps my mind sharp, I talk to a lot of people, and I can technically take a break whenever I want since I worked my- erm,” I catch myself, almost cursing. “... Since I work a lot.”
“Geez,” Flurry mutters. “... Mommy almost works as much as you do.”
“Oh really? What does she do?” I ask absentmindedly. Flurry deadpans at me as I slowly realize what I ask. “... W-well, I mean, like, specifically.” Nice save.
“Well, Mommy talks to a lot of nobles in her court, solves problems, and then she gets love problems. Those are fun to watch,” Flurry says. She giggles a bit. “Sometimes, they’re like those shows Mommy and Daddy watch on Saturdays! I think they’re called Soap Oporas?”
“I think you mean Soap Operas,” I correct.
“Yeah! That!” Flurry says. She huffs as she thinks back to them. “They’re always really weird. Sometimes, the girl would be crying how a boy doesn’t love her, and the boy loves her, but doesn’t know how to say it. Then, he does something dumb and makes it worse.” Hearing a ten year old describe a soap opera is a bit funny and a bit worrisome. I hope to hell this kid doesn’t develop a love for them. I mean, they’re fun and all, once in a while. But after fifty episodes, it feels like a wild goose chase going in circles.
Suddenly, a portal opens in my room, with a view into a big room with a small table in the center. At the table, sits a taller, wider Twilight. I sigh and stretch my back, as Flurry Heart's excitement almost immediately dissolves. "Alright kiddo, let's take you to your aunt Twiddle Fiddle Toaster Strudel." Flurry looks at me with a small smile at the nickname, but frowns again as she thinks about seeing her aunt.
"Do I have to?" She asks.
"I already walked home from the Crystal Empire once before kid, I ain't doing that again in reverse," I say. She sighs and dejectedly walks through the portal as I follow close behind.
"Anon, it's good to-" Twilight, speaking a bit deeper and more regal-er than I remember, stops as she notices her niece. "Flurry!? What are you doing here?" She says, glancing at me in confusion.
"..." Flurry looks at me pleadingly.
"I'm not saving you," I deadpan. Flurry sighs and looks at her aunt.
"I... Ran away from home..." Flurry admits. Twilight gasps slightly.
"Why? What happened?" She asks.
"... I wanted to see a friend, but my parents wouldn't let me." Twilight hums, nodding.
"I see... That was irresponsible, but I understand. However, don't run away from home for something like that. I assume you didn't tell your parents?" She asks. Flurry nods. "Well, I'll go ahead and open a portal to your kingdom. Don't do something so reckless again," Twilight chastises gently.
"Says the pony who summoned an alien," I comment. Twilight giggles, nodding as Flurry glances at me in confusion.
"Well, practice as I preach, not as I do," she jokes. I kind of reel back from that. Twilight, not overly freaking out from a joke? Dafuq!? Twilight's horn glows, summoning another portal. Through the portal, I can see Shining Armor and Cadence pause whatever they're doing, looking at the portal in confusion before noticing their child. Shining ran through first, using his hooves to almost tackle-hug Flurry.
"Flurry! Oh my Celestia, where were you!?" He asks. He looks up to see his sister giving a wave, and me taking out a cigarette. I think I earned it. "Did you go to Equestria by yourself!?" He asks as his wife walks up.
"Flurry, I'm so glad you're safe," Cadence says, also wrapping her hooves around Flurry in a hug. "... You are so grounded by the way." Flurry sighs in disappointment at that, but nuzzles into her parent's hugs. Shining finally looks up at his sister and nods.
"Thanks sis, it's nice having a responsible sister," he says.
"Hey, what about me?" Cadence asks, puffing her cheeks. Shining looks at his wife for a moment... He looks back at Twilight.
"Like I said, thank you!" He says happily, taking Flurry away and through the portal as Cadence looks at him in shock.
"... He's sleeping on the couch for three days," she says to herself, shaking her head. She looks at Twilight with a smile. "Thank you Twilight, and you too Anon." I shrug, lighting my cigarette with a lighter. "... You didn't give Flurry a-"
"Cadence, I'm not the type of person that gives kids a cigarette," I say, breathing out some smoke as I talk.
"Sorry! Just making sure!" Cadence says. "She's just been so... Adventurous lately, I'm afraid she'll do something that'll hurt her."
"Cadence, Flurry is a good filly," Twilight says gently. "She may be a bit reckless-"
"cough-leftthecountrycough," I interject, waving away some smoke. Twilight deadpans at me before continuing.
"- but I can trust Flurry to make good decisions," she says. Cadence sighs.
"Still, I worry," she mutters.
"The kid can pull a lazer from her horn that can destroy buildings and separate continents," I say. I take a long drag. "I'm fairly certain she can take care of herself in terms of self defense."
"I know, I know," Cadence says, giggling a bit. "Well, thank you both again, I'll return to my Empire." Twilight and I wave a bit before Cadence leaves. Twilight shuts the portal, and we're in silence. I walk over to the table and sit in a wooden chair provided to me from thin air via teleportation. I notice two separate kettles beside a teacup and a mug. I quirk an eyebrow.
"I remembered how you like coffee a bit more than tea," Twilight explains, using her magic to lift one kettle and pour some coffee into a mug and handing it to me.
"Got any creamer?" I ask. Twilight nods and hands me a jug labeled 'Quarter and Three Quarters'. It's kinda like Half and Half, but ponified. "Thanks," I say, taking it and pouring some into my mug. Twilight fixes her tea as I stir my coffee.
"Anything interesting happen today?" She asks.
"Well, aside from Flurry, there was-" I am interrupted by a scream and shattering of glass. I look up to see a tiny Discord swimming in Twilight's cup, sipping on a glass of iced tea with a tinier umbrella in it. "There was him," I finish, nodding towards him.
"Discord, you scared me!" Twilight says loudly.
"Oh, excuuuuuuse me princess," Discord says. "I was bored today, and my buddy ol' chum oh pal Anon just so happened to cure me of it. However, after I had clearly scheduled him two weeks in advanced, you took him today, so now you're gonna have tea with me." I look around the table to see that the kettle Twilight was using is shattered. She probably dropped it when she saw Discord.
"What? Anon did you-"
"No, he came to me this morning, definitely not two weeks ago," I say.
"Well, for me it was two weeks," Discord says, taking his umbrella and throwing it into his mouth. I can hear the sound of bricks being crumbled as he chews. "Time trully flies strangely, considering it never knew how to fly in the first place."
"Hey, you said you knew what you were going to do today, so what was it?" I ask, getting to the point. Discord sighs as Twilight tries to lift the tea cup, to no avail.
"Fine, I guess I'll tell you. I kinda wanted it to be a nice surprise, but oh well," he says. He snaps, disappears, and reappears next to the table with a monocle and scroll. He clears his throat, takes out a zipper, places it in the air and unzips it horizontally, creating a portal facing the floor. Through the portal, crashes Celestia and Luna, wearing Hawaiian shirts and now-broken sunglasses.
"What the-" Luna stops as she sees Discord. "Of course," she sighs. She takes out a flask and takes a long sip. "Tia, Discord has crashed our retirement." I look over at Celestia.
"... Did you somehow manage to pack on a few pounds?" I ask. Luna laughs as Celestia rubs her head as she gets up.
"It's a pleasure to see you too Anon," she mutters, turning to see Discord. "Discord, please give me a good reason as to why you and I are here." Discord smiles widely and adjusts his monocle before unrolling the scroll.
"Why of course Sunspot! You see, Anon and I were talking today, and I came upon an idea of what I wanted to do today!" Everyone, including me, exchange glances with each other. "I'm going to sue you!" He reveals. I face palm as Luna barks a laugh.
"For what? Being retired?" She asks, taking a sip from her flask.
"Actually, yes!" Discord answers, still unrolling the scroll into a pile on the floor. Luna spits out her alcohol. I lean back, sipping my coffee. This is certainly interesting. "You see, I found out something rather interesting. I found out that you have managed to break a whole lot of laws!"
"Such as?" Celestia asks.
"Tax fraud, endangerment of public safety, excessive endangerment of public safety, misuse of authority-"
"Hold on, what are these based off of!?" Luna asks angrily.
"Well, since you are no longer princesses, there is no danger in taking you to court since you no longer run anything," Discord says with a chipper attitude. "Tax fraud is because since you are now regular civilians, you are required to pay taxes that you owe to your country, which amounts to millions of bits. Next, you allowed a foreign illegal alien into your country."
"If you mean me, that one's technically on accident," I speak up.
"Then, since he was permitted, he is technically a sentient endangered species, and legally was supposed to be provided the utmost care you can provide. Instead you sent him into an environment that clearly did not do well with strangers."
"Wait, what?" I ask as Luna looks at Celestia in slight shock.
"According to this, you were supposed to be protected and provided for, but silly Tia forgot about it," Discord says.
"I did not exactly have a luxury of certainty Discord," she says. "Besides, Anon was safe for the most part." I slowly look at her with a deadpan expression. "... What?" She asks.
"..." I flip her off and look back at Discord. "So, exactly how long are they going away for?" I ask.
"About three or four life sentences," he says.
"Can it be doubled?" I ask.
"Anon!" Twilight says.
"Well I haven't gotten through the list yet, so we'll see," Discord says. “Then, despite knowledge of Anon being homeless, you still did not care until much later.”
“I... Yes,” Celestia says, nodding sadly. I can see her mane is becoming less and less flowy. “Twilight had told me, but from previous interactions with him, I thought he’d be fine according to Applejack.” She sighs, putting a hoof to her head. “And then, I find him at a bakery, and I saw how little he had in his pockets. I shouldn’t have assumed he was still fine.” Luna frowns at her sister.
“That sounds about right,” I mutter. Discord nods and continues reading.
“It’s not all that Celestia has done, but I would love to move on to Luna!” Discoed, Twilight, and I look at Luna, who gives us a blank look as she sips from her flask. “You are a dangerous alcoholic, disturbed the peace on multiple occasions, committed slight tax fraud, psychological damage, and forced an endangered species into a psychologically dangerous room.”
“Since when the fuck did you talk like lawyer?” I suddenly ask Discord. “Actually, better question, as someone who’s sole purpose is to spread chaos, why the fuck would you keep a list of rules? Isn’t that like an oxymoron or something?”
“Oh, this isn’t a list of rules,” Discord says, revealing the scroll he’s been unraveling. The scroll has senseless scribbles that are too small to read. “This is simply a list of memes I’ve been collecting from your world!”
“... So, when did I cause psychological damage to someone?” Luna asks.
“Well, you did put me down as his therapist,” Twilight mentions. “I mean, granted, it worked, but it’s not exactly a good and logical decision.” Luna takes another swig from her flask.
“As I have said before, I was drunk,” she says. I sigh.
“Y’know, I’d like a better excuse than that, at the very least. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you’re lucky I was tolerant of that shit. Otherwise I probably would’ve done something that would have made you regret it,” I say. “Hell, both of you are assholes for this exact shit. You think you had a reason, but it’s not a reason.”
“Anon, you haven’t brought your problems with us up,” Luna says. Celestia kinda droops her head down in shame.
“That’s because after all was said and done, somehow, it fucking worked. It was unnecessary bullshit, but it worked,” I say.
“So, now that it worked, could you help us get past this then? Discord listens to you more than any pony else,” Luna says, taking a swig. I can see that Luna’s actually drunk right now, and Celestia actually looks like she feels bad for once.
“Y’know what? You’re right! Let’s let Anon decide then! Should I prosecute them as a fine member of society?” Discord asks. I look at Luna, then Twilight, and stopped at Celestia. Well, Celestia looks like she actually learned her lesson already, if her ashamed eyes mean anything. Luna honestly just needs some AA group time, but it’s not really-
“Anon, we’ve been your bestest friend so far,” Luna says. I stop and deadpan at her. Seriously? “We would’ve done the same for you!” ... I can go ahead and tell that that’s a big fat lie. If that was the case, then she wouldn’t be here. She’d be in the fucking Pony- Bahamas. She also wouldn’t have allowed me in therapy. Twice. Celestia noticed my expression and grimaces.
“... Yyyeeeeaaaaah, Y’know Discord, I think it’d earn you some brownie points with the ponies here by upholding the law,” I say. “Though, quite frankly, I believe in ‘Eye for an Eye’, so if Luna’s found guilty, she has to attend AA meetings. Also, they don’t get to go to prison, that’d be a bit easy for them. Make them do community service.”
“Oh, well, community service doesn’t sound so-“
“Don’t let them stop until they have worked for every bit that they owe the Pony IRS due to tax fraud, combined,” I say. Discord pulls out a calculator as Twilight gasps.
“Anon! Don’t you know how long that might-“
“Twilight, it surely can’t be much. How many months? Ten? Eleven?” Luna asks.
“No, you’re a bit off by... a couple two hundreds,” Discord says. Luna reels back a bit, as does Celestia.
“Hold on, how much do we owe?” Celestia asks. Discord giggles and leans towards her ear. After he whispers the amount, Celestia’s eyes go wide. “T-that much? A-are you certain?” She asks.
“Oh yes, you see, you technically never paid the tax for a lot of resources you’ve used and since you’re not a princess, you’re not part of the government that doesn’t have to pay those taxes.”
“Wait, isn’t there a law about stuff like this?” Twilight asks. Discord chuckles and pulls out a briefcase, taking out a book labeled as ‘Deh Rools’. He opens the book and flips to a specific page, pointing at a tiny line. Celestia looks at it, and hums in interest.
“Hey Luna?” She asks. “Remember that one law we made as a joke about fifteen to twenty hundred years ago?”
“Uh... No?”
“Y’know, the one where we never thought we’d ever step down and made the law since we thought it would never affect us?”
“... Oh...” Luna says. Discord takes out a paw and snaps, making everything he brought in disappear.
“Great! So when should the trial commence?” Discord asks. I shrug.
“I don’t care, do what you want. I have more important things to do,” I say. Luna looks a bit hurt, but I’m sure she’ll understand once she sobers up. Celestia, on the other hand, is taking this rather maturely. Yes, she’s ashamed, but she’s trying not to make a scene of it as far as I can tell.
“Very well, I believe that’s fair,” she says. She looks at Luna, and covers her with a wing, who’s starting to cry. “... May I ask for one thing?”
“Ask Anon, not me, he’s the stringless puppeteer,” Discord says. She turns to me, with a frown.
“... Can you just punish me?” She asks. I quirk an eyebrow, putting out my cig.
“Come again?”
“Truth be told... When Luna did that therapy thing, it was mostly my fault. I knew she was drunk, and I should have stopped it. It’s more my fault than anything. She felt horrible afterwards,” Celestia says. She lowers her head in a way of bowing. “Please, I’ve done far more things wrong than she has towards you. Anon, she really is your friend, she vouches for you whenever you do something. I... I didn’t even give you proper care when you needed it. I made a bet with you, while you were homeless, and threatened you to go into a dungeon if you failed. I... I’m the one who’s truly unforgivable...” I look at Celestia for a minute, switching between her and her sniffling sister, who’s now really starting to show she’s drunk if the slurred incoherent words are anything to go by. I sigh, taking out a cigarette and lighting. I take in a drag and let it out slowly.
“... Fine. Luna needs to go to AA groups though, that’s not debatable. I’m not gonna forget the fact that she put me in a bad place because she was drunk. Also, she still doesn’t get her retirement plan until you’re done with her share of community service, which can be done before your service starts.” Celestia nods, still keeping a wing on her sister.
“Very good! Welp, I have stuff to do, and I’m sure Celestia does too,” Discord says, snapping. A portal opens underneath the two former princesses, who fall through with a yelp. Discord chuckles as the portal closes. “Thank you for the entertainment Anon, see you soon,” he says, snapping himself away. I puff out more smoke, a bit more forcefully this time as I sit back down in the chair. I didn’t even realize I got up at some point. Twilight looks over at me with a troubled expression.
“... I know she used to be your teacher and friend or whatever, but let’s be honest, she was a bitch,” I say.
“No, I... I respect your decision,” Twilight says. “I just... it’s rare to see you so... angry and yet calm.”
“What makes you think I’m angry?” I ask.
“... You weren’t very good at hiding it,” she says. I grimace as Twilight looks at me.
“Well, I got mad. What else is new?” I ask.
“... A-anyway, I suppose we should continue our tea time while we have it, yes?” Twilight asks, changing the subject.
“Yeah. Y’know, you’ve really changed Twilight,” I say. “Honestly I almost feel bad for calling you Bitchface for a while.” Twilight rolls her eyes, but smiles a little.
“Yes, I-“ Twilight is interrupted by a knock. Both of us look towards my right, out the window, to see a griffon with grey feathers and a saddle bag.
“Who the fuck?” I ask myself. Twilight’s eyes brighten up.
“Oh, that’s Spike’s friend, Gabby! She’s a mailmare from Griphon Stone,” Twilight says, quickly getting up and walking over. She opens the window, and Gabby flies in.
“Oh thanks Princess, I was starting to get cold and everything!” She says.
“Oh god she talks almost as fast as Pinkie,” I mutter. Gabby looks over at me and gasps excitedly.
“Oh! Oh! Hold right there!” She says. I take out my cig, puff out smoke, and quirk an eyebrow.
“Uh, alright?”
“Thanks! Princess, Spike sent another letter for you!” Gabby says, pulling out a scroll from her bag. “He said he only wrote a letter because his phone lost too Mapuche battery and-“
“Okay Gabby, I understand, thank you,” Twilight says. Gabby nods, salutes, and rushes to me.
“Oh my gosh, it’s so nice to meet you! You were The Knight of Manehatten ten years ago, right!?” She asks. I kinda lean back a bit at the gushing, but slowly nod.
“Uh, there were like, a couple hundred others, but yeah, I was one,” I say.
“No no, like, you were the one who convinced the soldiers to keep fighting and protect us! I was visiting my friend Babs Seed at the time, and then I couldn’t fly out of the city, and it was all so scary!” She says. Twilight, in the background, gives a quiet giggle as she sees me keep leaning away from Gabby, who is unintentionally leaning forward as she talks excitedly.
“Ah, well, yeah, I was that guy, but-“
“I just wanted to say thank you so much! I was especially happy earlier when this griffon had asked me to deliver a letter to you!” She says. I blink in surprise.
“Oh? Which griffon was it?” I ask. Gabby rummages through her bag before handing me a letter.
“It was from a griffon slightly older than me, I think his name was Maple?” She asks. My eyes go wide and J quickly take the letter and open it. It has been quite a while since Bacon and his family really talked to us. I mean, we get letters of how things are, but nothing in detail. However, I have never gotten a letter from Maple specifically. The last major thing I heard from them was Maple getting an internship in Canterlot for something. I think it had something to do with science or something. Their letter wasn’t very specific.
Dear Uncle Anon,
You won’t believe this! So, last year, after I turned 19, I had decided to apply for a job in Equestria, specifically in Manehatten. Recently, after various forms and certificates, I was given the job! I’ll tell you more details when I come over tomorrow, I hope I see you at the checkpoint before then! Oh, and can you ask Aunt Whisk if she could make her poppyseed chicken? It’s been forever since I had it!
Your Nephew, Maple.
PS: I already have an apartment to stay at for a while, so don’t worry about that stuff!
I read the letter silently, smiling with confusion. I mean, it’s great that he got a job, but what the hell could it be? I know Maple can’t cook very well, like me, but I also know there’s not much he’d do around here. Then again, we haven’t talked much recently, so I guess that I shouldn’t be surprised if he’s doing something I wasn’t aware of.
“Thanks, uh, Gabby was it?” I ask. She nods and quickly gives me a hug before running to the window.
“Best day ever!” She says to herself as she jumps out the window and flies off. I blink after her, then look at Twilight.
“That was weird,” I say. Twilight giggles.
“Yeah, Gabby’s a little strange, but she’s almost as friendly as Derpy,” she says.
“Heh, y’know, last I heard, Derpy’s daughter was heading to college,” I mention. Twilight walks over and sits back down, smiling as we return to having a normal god damn conversation for five seconds.
“Oh really? Where?” She asks.
“Eh, somewhere in Canterlot. Some British sounding name-“
“Was it Trotford?” She asks.
“Ah yes, Discount Oxford,” I say. “I would say Harvard, but Griffon Stone already has Halivard, which I kind of get because it almost sounds like Haliberd.”
“... I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Twilight says with a bit of confusion.
“Isn’t that normal for you?” I ask. Twilight giggles, nodding.
“Yes, I suppose,” she says. “Oh, and how’s Whisky?”
“Oh, she’s doing great! We uh, got hitched relatively recently,” I say, wiggling my ringed hand. Twilight smiles warmly.
“Oh! That’s great! How did you propose?” She asks, sipping her tea. I sip my coffee and answer.
“I didn’t. She proposed to me since she forgot to give me her valentines gift,” I say. Twilight almost chokes on her tea, coughing a bit.
“W-what?” She asks. “Hold on, wait, she-“
“Yeah, I don’t get it either. I mean, we already live together, so-“
“Wait wait, how does any of that work!?” Twilight asks. I shrug.
“I dunno, and I don’t care. Quite frankly, I’m just glad she’s happy, as silly as she is.” I take a sip of coffee as Twilight sighs.
“You are still so strange Anon,” she says. “... I have a question.”
“If it’s a stupid question, you’re getting a stupid answer,” I say, sipping my coffee for the last time before realizing it’s empty now.
“... Could you help me with a dispute?” She asks. I slowly take a long drag from my cig. Breathing out, I sigh at the same time.
“If it’s something stupid-“
“Well, remember how you compare Cozy’s War to World War One?” She interjects. I quirk an eyebrow and nod slowly. “How did your Second World War Start?”
“Uh... technically a culmination of a bunch of things, one thing was that they started trying to pull Germany into debt. Then, the Allies were all .... You know what, I’m not explaining that rabbit hole. The point is, there was a senseless and easily unstable cycle to continue peace, which was fucking pointless since it just pissed people off even more,” I explain.
“I thought so. So tell me-“ Twilight stops to put a paper in front me. I look at the paper in confusion, picking it up. The first line certainly has my attention.
I agree that all responses and comments I make within the civil court of Equestria, regarding diplomats and international disputes are all my conscious and sound doing.
I skip a lot of the jargon in the middle of the contract and look at the bottom, seeing where I’m supposed to sign.
“How would you like to stop a second war before it even begins?” Twilight asks. “I’m only a princess from Equestria, the forces we fought, other than the Crystal Empire, is wanting to pursue financial action against the Minotaur Kindom.” I slowly look up.
“So, you want me to sort out a political mess, with my choice of words?” I ask. Twilight nods. “If I sign this, I can say anything I want?”
“Technically, yes, but if any of them are offended, it does not affect Equestria. I almost decided to tear it up until Discord mentioned you’re affected by the law for endangered species.”
“... The war ended ten years ago, why haven’t they said anything until now?” I ask, puffing out some smoke.
“No, they’ve been fighting for it, we keep postponing the final judgement. The act of indebting has been tossed around for the past five years, after my coronation. I suppose they think I’m more easily persuaded than Celestia or Luna, so they brought it up again,” Twilight explains. I hum.
“But I can say anything I want?” I double check. Twilight giggles, nodding.
“It never stopped you before, so I might as well just allow it,” she says. I look at the contract, giving a puff of smoke before humming.
“Well are you gonna give me a pen, or am I gonna have to use my blood?” I ask, smiling a bit. This is certainly gonna be more fun than I’ve had in... fuckin’ years... oh God, I might have to rehearse...
One Hour Later...
Various creatures, such as Minotaurs, hippogriffs, griffons, yaks, dragons, and even moose, sit around a big table in a meeting room. The table is wooden, and the floor is carpeted with a velvet color. The wall is a blank creamy white, with almost no detail added to it at all. The perfect board-meeting-room. Mostly because it’s boring. Perfect for international disputes regarding major wars. Everyone is arguing with each other, talking over each other, and generally being loud. However, it all suddenly stops as the door bursts open, making everyone snap to attention and look over at the source of the outburst, only to see me.
“Ah! Anonymous!” One griffon, who I recognize as Dreamfeather, who sits beside Windfall, brightens up as he sees me. “It’s been a while! I would talk with you, but-“
“Everyone shut up!” I call, walking in. I take out a cig, light it, and start smoking as I actually climb onto the table, surprising various creatures. “I heard the problem, and I’mma nip it in the bud!” I point to the Minotaurs. “You did horrible shit, but you were forced to, and y’all stood up for Equestria in the end, y’all are fine.” I turn to the others, taking a drag. “Now, griffons, I understand why you’re pissed, but the pony responsible already taken care of, so shut the fuck up.” I turn to the Hippogriffs. “Half of you were fighting us, so if the Minotaurs are in debt, so should you, otherwise, y’all are fucking jackasses towards everyone by insulting their intelligence.” I turn to the yaks. “I honestly don’t think you even realize what’s going on, you’re just here because people are yelling all the fucking time.”
“Best human knows yaks well! Yaks have fun!” The yaks, all together cheer and laugh heartily in response. I nod safely, puffing out some smoke. I turn to the moose.
“I don’t even know why the fuck y’all are here, you didn’t even really participate in the war. So fuck you in general, fucking assholes,” I say, drawing gasps of shock from them. “Oh shut the fuck up and grow a pair.” I turn to the dragons, finally noticing Ember with the diplomats. “Do I even need to lecture you?” I ask.
“Hey, we’re not arguing or anything, we’re cool!” Ember says defensively. I simply give her a ‘I’m watching you’ gesture with my hands and turn around.
“Alright, I’m gonna recap everything I’ve just said, alright!?” I yell. I start pointing as I go through the line. “Fuck you, fuck you, double fuck you, you shouldn’t be here since you’re fine, don’t do stupid shit, same goes for you, and fuck y’all I’m out.” With that, I jump off the table, flick away the remnants of my cigarette, and walk out as everyone stares after me. After a couple minutes of stunned silence, Twilight finally walks in, looking around.
“Did Anon already leave?” She asks.
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!!!” One moose says. “I AM ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGED AT THAT- THAT SCENE!!!”
“What? Anon?” Twilight asks, casually and calmly taking a seat.
“Of course! That thing had no right to insult us like that! We demand to-“
“You can’t do anything to him. He’s an endangered species,” Twilight says with a smile, making almost everyone stop and stare at Twilight in either amazement or surprise.
“Then we hold you responsible, and demand compen-“
“No, I’m afraid that’s not possible either,” Twilight says, pulling out a signed contract. “See, Anon had signed a contract that anything he said will not be taken as personal opinions from Equestria. Therefore, we are not responsible, and if you try to pursue legal action towards Anon, we will have to step in and fine you for harming the well being of an endangered species’ financial, mental, or physical status. And believe me, we don’t take such things lightly.” The moose scoffs and glares at Twilight before backing down.
“Best Human was funny!” One of the yaks yells randomly, breaking the suspense. Everyone almost immediately relaxed a bit more.
“I admit, I did not expect that,” Windfall mentions. “The gall he had to spit insults right at my face, I admit, not many possess such an ability, especially when they know who I am.”
“Anon is certainly a character,” Dreamfeather agrees. “It’s good to see he hasn’t changed.”
“Indeed...” A hippogriff says, a bit nervously, taking a moment to listen to another hippogriff tell them something quietly. “... I uh, suppose we should get this meeting over with... I believe I speak on behalf of the hippogriffian nation when I say that uh, we no longer wish to take action against the Minotaurs.”
“I am heavily tempted to spite that human, Windfall says. “However, as entertaining as he is, he was right. I suppose the one truly responsible was dealt with. I believe you said she turned to stone, correct?” He asks. Twilight coughs a bit, nodding.
“Yes, she was turned to stone. We keep a regular guard watch on her statue within Canterlot.” Twilight stops to cough, though a bit more forceful this time. “Sorry, my allergies have been acting up.” The griffons nod.
“Yes, I understand. Dreamfeather has been experiencing such problems ever since summer started. He’s allergic to some of the flowers here,” Windfall says.
“The moose would still like to take action!” A moose yells out. Windfall huffs.
“As the human said, you took no part in the war. You even thought of supporting the Minotaurs, last I heard,” he says. He narrows his eyes at the now nervous moose.
“E-erm, well-“ A different moose leans over to his friend and quietly says something. “... Very well, we shall eh, say nothing...”
“Is everyone in agreement? No action is to be taken?” Twilight asks with a bit of hope in her voice. Seeing no one protest, she smiles widely. “Very well, meeting adjourned!” With that, individually gets up and shuffle out the door, most of which aren’t entirely sure what they just witnessed... At least the yaks are having fun.