//------------------------------// // Kwality cahntint (April Fools) // Story: Papers, Ponies, and Attitude // by Yellowtail //------------------------------// I look at the mountain ahead of me, seeing the dirt trail leading up to the mountain’s peak. It’s curvy, like a really... curvy thing. I dunno, like uh... a uh... Monster Energy Drink? Anyway, I sigh and look at the whimsical pony next to me, squinting up at me with uncertainty. “So, this is the Sacred Path?” I ask. “No, it’s the Ancient Trail,” he says, shaking as he speaks. I think he’s only shaking because he’s old. “The Sacred Path is right after the Old Town Road.” “... Alright then,” I say. The pony stops me by grabbing my hand. “Are you sure about this? You cannot turn back once you start,” he says. I scoff and step forward. I turn around and walk back. “Seems pretty walk-backable to me,” I say. I cautiously step backwards on the trail. After about a good twenty steps, I walk back. “Bro, I can totally turn back-“ “Look youngster, give it a couple hundred steps,” the old pony says. I sigh and turn to the trail. I start my walk, continuing my epic quest for... something cool. Trust me, it’s worth it. “Wait, I must first know your name before your continued journey.” I stop and look back. “... It doesn’t matter,” I say, continuing my trek... again... I grunt as I walk up the rocky trail. This shit’s gonna be dope when it ends, not gonna lie. Everyone in Ponyville called me crazy, but no, I’m not crazy, I’m just desperate. “Halt!” A voice yells. I look up to see a short, bipedal black cat wielding a staff. “Sorry, I’m not a furry,” I say. “What? No, I’m here to test your wit!” “Uh, well, I mean, I don’t think I’m fat-“ “Not your width, your wit!” The cat says, stomping the staff. “I will give you thrrrree sayings, and you must complete them with rrrrelevance!” “Why are you rolling your r’s?” I ask. “That’s not important, here’s your first phrrrrrrase!” The cat stops to clear his throat. He takes out a glass of water from somewhere, takes a sip, pops a breath mint in his mouth, eats a pack of skittles, clears his throat again, cracks open a cold one- “WILL YOU GET ON WITH IT!?!?” I ask. “Rrrrright, sorrrry,” the cat says. “Birds of a feather, flock together!” “Oh, I know this one. They’ll flock together, until the cat comes,” I finish. The cat nods. “Your second phrrrrrase, Curiosity killed the cat!” “Uh... Oh! But satisfaction brought him back!” I say. “... I’m starting to see a pattern here.” “Rrrright! The final phrrrrase, is: Never gonna give you up-“ “Stop, hold on, how’s that a phrase?” I ask. “Well, everyone knows it, people repeat it, and it hold wise words.” “... Never gonna let you down?” I guess. “Correct! You may pass!” The cats says. Just like that, the cat disappears, like my dad when he went out to get milk. It’s amazing how far people will go to get milk. It’s especially surprising because he’s lactose intolerant. Anyway, I continue my journey, grunting as I continue up the trail. I stop and rest against the side of the mountain, taking a short break. My legs feel like they’re burning. “This is what I get for eating too many pots of Mac n’ Cheese. Damn you Craft and your tasty goodness.” “Halt! Cytka, who go dere?!” A Russian as fuck apvoice calls. “Oh Jesus Christ, what now?” I ask. I turn from my spot to see a hulking mass of Slav. Like, think of what you think a Slav is... Yes, that’s what he looks like. “‘Ello comrade, I am Slav, blyat.” “Uh... Hi I’m-“ “Slav not care, Slav throw you off mountain now for sick kicks,” he says. He start walking, and I scramble up. “W-wait, are you a... genuine authentic Slav?” I ask. “Da. I am Slav, cytka blyat,” he says. “Impossible, they were said to have been out-Slavved,” I mutter. “Da, Slav May have bin out Slavved, cytka, but Slav alvays out Slav fake Slav’s slav.” “Damn, you must be Super Slav,” I say. “No, Slav is not Super Slav. Super Slav is Ooncul Stalin.” “Anyway, so what do I need to do to get past you?” I ask. “To pass Slav, non-Slav must Slav like Slav,” Slav says. “Slav? I can Slav,” I say confidently. I clear my throat and squat, like Slav. “Cytka, Slav, I Slav too now.” “Da, that is Slav, but can you slav like dis?” With that, the mad Slav catches a vodka bottle that came from fucking nowhere. He takes out a Makarov pistol and shoots off the top before chugging the bottle. “Da, I can Slav like Slav,” I answer, pulling out a vodka bottle of my own. “I just need bear for Slavving.” “Slav do,” Slav says, leaning his head up and making an inhuman sound between a roar and a telemarketer screech. Just like that, his Slav call spawns a bear between us. “Come, bear, let us Slav,” I say, opening the bottle and shoving the neck of it down my throat. I proceed to start dancing like Slav, keeping low and kicking out legs whilst I chug Slav juice. Meanwhile, the bear catches on, inspire by my Slav, and proceeds to follow suit, getting a vodka bottle and chugging it as he dances as well, perfectly in sync with me. The Slav, so amazed by this beautiful performance, follows suit. He also gets a bottle and chugs it as he dances with us. We are all sons of Slavs now, perfectly in Slav with the Slav.... I wave by to my new Slav friend and bear as I walk up the mountain. You know, I guess there’s a little Slav in us all... Anyway, I continue my walk. It’s now, that I notice, that I’m almost at the top. “Hell yeah!” I call, starting to run to the last stretch of the trail. My blood’s pumping through me, as I am excited by this destination’s reward. The reward I have long sought after for all these years. However, as I rush, I hear rumbling. I stop as I see ahead of me, the final boss of the mountain. The final stretch of fighting there is left, all resides with this obstacle. “You...” I mutter in disgust. How could I not be disgusted? It’s the most vile of being, one that takes advantage of the realms. It took advantage of most on my world, with the commonplace of my people. They are the pinnacle of dark energy incarnate. “You! Are you the manager?!” The Karen asks accusingly. Her bright green dyed hair is almost horrifying to look at. Her leopard print purse does not at all match with her white sleeveless jacket and black shirt. Her grey yoga pants is too tight and reveals way too god damn much of her form. “Of course it’s you, the one who would try to stop my holy quest,” I say, crossing my arms. “My coupons aren’t working, I hope you’re ready to pay!” She yells, getting her Essential Oils out. I snicker, reaching into a pocket on the inside of my yellow hoodie. “The Lord’s work, must be done on this day,” I mutter, pulling out an item that makes Karen stop in her tracks. I pull out a helmet that honestly resembles a bucket with a cross on it. “Dues Vult mother fucker,” I mutter, putting the helmet on. Karen screeches like an Anti-vax mom and runs towards me, oils ready for war. “Since thou breathes,” I start, whipping out a broadsword from.... somewhere. “THOUS ISETH A THOOOOOOOOOOT!!!” With a mighty battle cry, I charge at Karen with all my might, wielding my weapon with no fear in mind, braving the face of danger, thinking for not of the worldly desires. I use my sword to block Karen’s purse from hitting me, which instead sends me back a couple feet. However, I am strong willed, and continue to stand. “Dues VULT!!!” I yell, swing my sword and something screwing up on slicing her, instead only batting her with the side of the sword and knocking her back. “Damn, that was supposed to kill you,” I mutter. “I-I want to see your-“ I cut her off with a chuckle. “There’s no a manger here to save you, and there’s no manager for where you’re going,” I say. I raise my sword high, ready to strike. And thus, with the final blow, I rid the world of a dark blight. Just kidding, I actually messed up my aim and missed her head by an inch. Shit. Thinking quickly, I decide to just kick her down the mountain. That's good enough. I drag the Karen to the edge of the mountain trail's side, and yeet her off. I pat my hands with a smile and continue to walk. Now, nothing will stop my quest's end... Later, in Twilight's castle, Twilight continues going through paperwork. As she does her paperwork, she keeps glancing at the clock next to her. "... When the hay is he getting back? This joke's gone on for a week now," she mutters. Suddenly, the doors to the room slam open, with me standing proudly in the doorway. "I did it! I mc'fuckin' did it bitch!" I yell, throwing a wrapped package onto the table. "Wait, did you actually-" "I found some old geezer, went through four days of training, traveled for a day on that stupid fucking mountain, and I claimed the sacred treasure!" I yell. "T-The treasure!? I-I didn't even think that was possible! No one's ever seen the treasure! I don't even have any books on it!" Twilight exclaims. "B-but I was joking about it, why did you-" "Because why the fuck not!? But you know, when I found the treasure, it all made sense," I say. "The trials, the people, the battles I've fought for this glorious item. The item has been worth every bit of sweat, blood, and vodka I put into it." Twilight audibly gulps in nervousness as she looks at the still-wrapped package as I start unwrapping it. "There's only one thing worth all that trouble." The moment I uncover it, its holy light fills the room. I am already accustomed to it, but Twilight shields her eyes. "Ack! It's so bright!" She says. "Threw me for a loop too," I say. Finally, the light dims down a bit, and Twilight looks upon the treasure with... confusion. "... It's a loaf of bread?" She asks. "NO!!! Not just any bread," I correct her. I look at the sparkling loaf with gleaming eyes. "It's Hella Bread." Twilight stares at me for a minute before giving one solitary blink. "... But it's bread," she says. I chuckle softly, taking a piece off. "Observe," I say, taking a bite. Suddenly, my eyes glow bright, and I float up a bit. "I can see it Twilight... I can see all," I say. I laugh slightly maniacally. "I... I can even do the impossible! I can bend the very elements of reality Twilight." Twilight looks upon me with horror. "Now, I am a Memelord. None shall stand against-" Spike, who had sneaked up behind me, throws a frying pan at my head. I plop onto the ground, losing every bit of energy as I fall unconscious. "... Spike, write a letter," Twilight says, teleporting in a small vault before opening it. "It's another item that cannot fall within the human's possessions." With that, she takes the Hella Bread and throws it into the vault before quickly locking it back up and teleporting it out.