//------------------------------// // Back from the dead (APRIL FOOLS GAG CHAPTER) // Story: My Sister, Cozy Glow // by Mica //------------------------------// A/N: This is a bonus gag chapter written for April Fools. It is not connected with the rest of the story. You may skip this chapter if you wish, but you're missing out on a good laugh. Ma was out of hummus to eat for breakfast. She told me to go to Costco to get some. Biscuit went with me, since he has the membership card, but my family doesn’t. It was early in the morning, so Costco was quite empty. We went to the shelves where they sell hummus. “What’s this pink stuff in a tub?” I pointed. Biscuit read the label. “It’s hummus. ‘Lemon-beet’ flavored hummus.” Pink hummus!? Pink!? Who the hay ever thought of a thing like that!? I still can’t wrap my head around it. “And what about that blue one? Lemme guess, blueberry hummus?” “Nope. It’s…organic ‘blue corn’ flavored hummus.” “Ugh. I don’t get why they make food in weird colors,” I said. “It puts me off. I expect my hummus to be like what everyone expects Asians to be: yellow, rich, and originally from some God-awful place where they don’t speak English.” Biscuit got mad at me. “Hey, that was offensive to our Asian readers!” “Don’t worry, Biscuit, you’re allowed to make racist jokes about your own race,” I said. “But you’re not Asian, Spur. Your eyes are too big to be Asian.” “Kirins are Asian, aren’t they? They have big eyes.” “Wait…I guess you’re right. So you could be Asian.” Biscuit paused. "But wait, you can't be Asian, you don't have the coronavirus. All Asians have the coronavirus, right?" "Well, duh, obviously," I said. I looked to see if there was any regular hummus yet. They always have a lot of the weird flavors, but the normal flavors that everyone wants is always out of stock. “So are you gonna get the regular hummus?” “Yep.” I took it off the shelf and put it in my cart. Actually, I can’t really eat hummus that often to begin with. You see, hummus has a lot of fiber and weird microbes in it that like to grow in my tummy, and if I eat it too often, eventually it… “OH HORSE SHIT!” Biscuit screamed. Yeah, that’s exactly what happens. “Wait, what?” I asked. “Oh shit, look! Is that who I think it is?” I peeked around the corner of aisle 9. I quickly pulled my head back. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was my sister! My sister, Cozy Glow, back from the dead, standing behind the Costco free sample stand! “What the fuck is she doing here!?” Biscuit whispered to me. “I dunno, but…it looks like she’s behind one of those free sample booths.” “Well, I dunno…are you sure it’s her?” “I’m pretty sure, I mean, I know my sister pretty well (at least I think I do). But…there’s a small chance it a’int her.” “Well, maybe we should go closer and take a look.” So after we took a few real deep breaths, Biscuit and I approached her, taking silent hoofsteps. She was looking at the curls in her mane. It took a while for us to get her attention. “Oh golly! I didn’t notice you two there. Wanna be friends? As a gesture of riendship, would you like to try some gluten-free, cruelty-free, organic tendies?” Yep. It’s her, all right. I was too stunned to speak, so Biscuit talked instead. “Cozy Glow! What the hell are you doin’ here!? You’re supposed to be petrified!” “Nah, the magical stone prison that Celestia put us in lost its hardness and we were all able to wriggle free. I mean, no surprise right? Trust an old hag like Celestia to not be able to keep it hard…” she snickered. “…if you catch my drift.” “Aw come on Cozy Glow, now you just offended all our elderly readers!” Biscuit said. “So, like…everyone over 25?” “No, and that’s even more offensive!” Biscuit yelled at my sister. “Okay Zoomer.” My sister rolled her eyes. I turned back to my sister. “Can we please get back to main topic…what’re you doin’ here!? Are you just…free?” I’ve never used the word “free” to mean a bad thing. Oh well, a first time for everything. Don’t Biscuit and I know that. “Nah, they sent us all back to Tartarus,” my sister said. “But I got enough Good Boy Points that Celestia put me on parole. She gave me this job at Costco.” I looked at my sister’s Costco uniform, and the free samples with the toothpicks stabbed in them. “This…is your job?” I asked again. “Yep.” Biscuit blinked several times. “Wait. So lemme get this straight,” he said. “Cozy Glow, you are probably the most dangerous pony in Equestria.” “Well, if you choose such flattery,” Cozy replied with a smirk. “And Celestia entrusted you…to give out food?” “Yep.” “‘Cruelty-free’ food, moreover?” “Yep.” “And you are giving out these…‘cruelty-free’ tendies…to young foals and their families…in a Costco.” “Yep.” Biscuit facehoofed. “Maybe my sister’s right,” I thought out loud. “Maybe Princess Celestia is an old hag with Alzheimer’s.” My sister practically begged us to try one of her free samples. “I’ve been sitting here for two hours and I still haven’t gotten a nibble. It’s like that night in Tartarus when I slept with Tirek. Ugh. What a prude.” Of course, Biscuit and I were skeptical. The samples were right there, in open containers. What if my sister poisoned them, as a way to get back at us? “I promise, I just took the tendies out of the bag and microwaved them,” my sister said. To convince us, she asked me to point to any free sample on the table, and she ate it herself. She was totally fine after five whole minutes. “There. Now do you believe me? Now, try one, pwease…?” So I swallowed a nervous lump in my throat and took a tendie and ate it. I immediately felt pain in my throat. I opened my mouth, but I was too frightened to speak. No! No! This can’t be happening! I watch my sister stare at me from behind the free sample stand, that evil smile on her face. Oh fuck, she must be laughin’ to high heaven in her mind right now. Haha. Hahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAAA! Wait. Wait a sec. My breathing was perfectly fine. I was totally 100% conscious. There was just…something in my mouth. Something…bitter and rough. Something like…paper. I took the paper out of my mouth. “What does it say?” Biscuit leaned close as I unfolded it. … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … april fools boii~