//------------------------------// // Disruptive Tendencies (FanOfMostEverything) // Story: Enchorus // by GMBlackjack //------------------------------// There was a bit of wisdom from Old Earth, back in the days when interstellar travel seemed like a pipe dream for humans: In space, no one can hear you scream. That was why Samus Aran preferred to call her agent between solar systems. “What do you mean there are no jobs!?” After all, she had a reputation to uphold. Nathan Jezuul flinched on the other side of the comm screen, his slicked-back hair and thin mustache only emphasizing his rodent-like appearance. Samus swore that all bounty agents looked like that given enough time, some kind of environmental adaptation. “What can I tell you?” he said once he recovered, “it’s deader than Meteos right now.” “Bull. No outstanding warrants, no prison breaks, no assassination contracts? You know I’ll take those if the target’s scum.” “C’mon," he wheedled. Nathan seemed to struggle not to wheedle. "What’s the rush? Relax a little.” Samus's fingers rapped against her chair's armrest. “It’s been four standard months since my last job, Nathan. I get antsy.” “I know you’re not hurting for credits. After all you’ve done. I’m sure you’ve got one heck of a nest egg put away.” “I have no intention of becoming some interstellar dilettante.” “Of course, of course, that’s not you at all!” Nathan’s usual slick attitude was starting to wear thin; Samus could see the stress underneath the grease. “Have you ever considered the F-Zero circuit? You’ve got the reflexes.” Samus raised an eyebrow. “It’s not like you to suggest a career change to a client, Nathan.” She scowled. “What’s this really about?” A nervous, oddly high-pitched chuckle escaped her agent’s lips before he found some new reserve of composure. After trying to hide the slip behind a cough, he gave the least sincere smile she’d seen off of a bare skull. “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sammy.” The scowl deepened. “You don’t get to play at wounded dignity with me, Jezuul. It’s a big galaxy. There are plenty of other bounty agencies out there.” Nathan’s look of shock was as genuine as his smile hadn’t been. “Why Samus, I would hope that our years, years of mutually profitable partnership would mean something to you.” “Not when you’re keeping information from me with all the subtlety of an antimatter warhead.” The play of emotions across Nathan’s face was a sight to see. Professional congeniality warred with the fear of losing his star client, along with a number of other little twitches and twists that spoke of far more going on beneath the surface. Finally, he slumped in his seat and gave a dejected sigh. “I didn’t want to tell you this—” “Clearly.” “Down, girl, I’m on your side. The fact of the matter is that you’ve developed a…" He sucked a breath through his teeth. "Call it an unfortunate reputation.” Samus blinked in surprise. “Reputation? For what? Getting the job done?” Her fist clenched as annoyance fed on professional pride. “Name one time I couldn’t deliver.” “It’s not about reliability, Sammy.” “What, then? Is this about the Bottle Ship job? I was working through some personal issues at the time.” “Relax, that was years ago. Nobody’s judging you for following orders while attached to a Galactic Fed unit.” Samus paused as she considered the next possibility that came to mind. “It isn’t Falcon, is it? I thought we had an understanding.” “Reaaally?” Nathan’s eyebrows started waggling at an almost inhuman rate. “None of your business.” “You’re no fun. Haven’t been since you stopped dyeing your hair.” “I thought we agreed not to talk about that.” Samus frowned. That had come out more petulant than she’d intended, which was to say at all. The frown deepened as she said, “We’re getting off topic and I’m through guessing. Just what is this bad reputation for?” “Well… Look, not to put too fine a point on it, but several customers have noticed that you have a bad habit of, how to put this…” Nathan shrugged. “Eh, let’s rip off the bandage. You blow up a planet every mission.” Silence and stillness followed. If it weren’t for the rise and fall of her chest, Samus might have seemed dead. Eventually, the alleged destroyer of worlds collected herself enough to say, “What.” “Okay, so sometimes it’s a space station, but still. Gotta bear in mind, Sammy, most bounties are requested on the same planet as the target. There just aren’t that many folks who are willing to risk losing their homes on a global scale just to get even.” “You know I don’t do petty grudge jobs. You can’t tell me there isn’t a single fugitive on the GF blotter.” Nathan gave her a flat look that all but screamed “Are you kidding me?” Out loud, he said, “Sammy, if you think the Feds are even gonna spit in your direction four months after you blew up their science fair project, I’ve got some beachfront property on Betelgeuse to sell you.” Samus massaged her temples. “You know, I keep hoping that was all a bad dream. Resurrecting the Metroids was bad enough, but people being that willingly stupid…” “Y’know what they say. If we could harness sapient stupidity, there’d never be another energy crisis.” “True enough.” After another silent moment, Samus said, “Am I really that prone to destruction?” Nathan raised an eyebrow, then began counting off on his fingers. “Zebes, the Bottle Ship, Tallon IV, Phaze, Aether—” “I saved Aether.” “One of ‘em.” Samus gave Nathan a flat look. “The one that wasn’t a caliginous death world in a nightmarish pocket dimension.” He shrugged. “A planet’s a planet.” “And are you really going to tell me that destroying Phaze was a bad thing?” “The GF certainly thinks so." Another shrug, as Nathan's voice took on a singsong cadence. "You know how it is, Sammy. Some people see a dangerous mutagen, some see a promising new energy source. Who’s to say who’s right?” Samus crossed her arms. “The planet was intentionally hurling chunks of itself to infest other worlds. It was a literal interstellar cancer.” Nathan sighed as he leaned his head on his fist. “Take it from an agent, Sammy. The truth isn't as important as image here. Not everyone’s had your experiences, and the Feds are a lot better at spreading their point of view around. And now most of the jobs I’d usually give you are marked ANNA.” “‘Anna’?” Bounty hunting came with a wide and sometimes absurd vocabulary all its own, but that was a new one. “Aran Need Not Apply.” Samus sighed. “And if I wait for this to blow over, I fade out of the public eye enough that you can bump me down a paygrade.” “Hey, I just match hunters to bounties." Nathan grinned. "If I were you, I’d find it flattering. You’re too badass for the galaxy to handle!” Samus didn't smile much. This was no exception, even if it came closer than usual. “That’s... certainly one way of looking at it.” “Think of it as a vacation, Sammy. Enjoy yourself.” “I will when I figure out how. I…" Sensors Samus had installed after Aether started blinking. "Nathan, I’m going to have to call you back.” His eyebrows shot up. “Trouble?” “Interdimensional activity. Need to focus. Later.” Samus cut the connection and transferred the dimensional scanners' readouts on the screen. The Ing were far from the only foulness lurking outside of conventional spacetime. After she'd saved their world, the Luminoth were happy to provide some upgrades to Samus's ship. She pinpointed the forming disturbance and set the main cannon to Annihilator Beam just to be sure. The moment something black and tentacled appeared... That moment never came. Rather than the cloud of crackling blackness Samus had expected, a neat circle opened up instead, briefly revealing unfamiliar stars before a ship smaller than hers slipped through. It looked like a civilian craft, a harmless-looking titanium-white crescent with a cockpit Samus could see into. Two occupants, with room for four more. Samus scowled and opened every hailing frequency she had available. "Unknown extradimensional ship, this is the independent ship Hunter requesting identification." The call went through, and she got an A/V stream in response. She opened it on the main console, and spent a moment assessing what she saw. Humanity had spread far and wide since the days of Old Earth, and had developed a wide variety of novel mutations to adapt to the strange worlds they found throughout the galaxy. Samus had met people as pale as the pilot, and plenty who'd dyed their hair even more outlandishly. The passenger's skin and hair coloration were theoretically possible even on Old Earth, more or less. Even the thin limbs weren't unknown on low-G worlds. But those eyes were larger than any human she'd ever seen. The passenger's somehow got even wider. "Oh my God, you're Samus Aran!" he gasped. "Multiverse, D-Pad," said the pilot, smiling fondly at him. "I see my reputation precedes me. Still waiting on that ID." The pilot nodded. "Captain Suzie 'Sweetie' Mash of Merodi Universalis, piloting Skiff Sierra-Bravo-Oh-One-Niner. This is my husband, D-Pad 'Button' Mash." "And this is already the most amazing honeymoon ever!" said D-Pad, literally bouncing in his seat. "When you told me this place was called Galaxa Nintendo, I never thought—" That same fond smile, tempered by rolling eyes. "Breathe, D-Pad." It got Samus's lips to curl up just a fraction. "I can certainly admire his enthusiasm." She resumed her neutral expression. "Though the idea of a society so casually multiversal that you go to other universes for honeymoons is... striking." "Bad experiences?" said Suzie. D-Pad gasped. "Metroid Prime: Echoes! The Ing!" He cringed. "Ugh, Boost Guardian flashbacks..." Suzie shushed him. Samus just stared at the console for a few moments before saying, "Excuse me?" "It's complicated. If you'd like, we can escort you to the capital. Assuming you aren't busy." D-Pad snorted. "Of course she's busy! She kills space pirates and doesn't afraid of anything!" "I'm actually in a bit of a lull. And I was trying to think of something to actually do on vacation. I'm not used to taking them. This is..." Samus frowned. "Suspiciously convenient, now that I think about it." Suzie smiled at that, a knowing look in her eyes. "These kinds of coincidences happen more often than you think. I'm sure you can pick out a few others." After a bit more thought, Samus gave a grudging nod. "Chozo technology does tend to crop up in unusual places." "So, that's a yes on visiting Celestia City?" D-Pad clasped his hands together. "Please say yes. You are so awesome." Samus shrugged. "You know what? Why not?" ~~~ Nathan opened the video call slack-jawed. "Sammy, when I told you to take a vacation, I didn't expect you to completely fall off the map for six months. Where the heck have you been?" "Oh, you know." Samus smirked and waved a hand in the air. "Around." Nathan scowled. "I think I liked you better when you were grumpy." "Any jobs?" He grimaced. "You know how they say absence makes the heart grow fonder?" "Yes." "It's bunk. Most of this stuff is pure slush pile. Baby food. A moisture farmer could do it. Only item of interest is still marked ANNA." "Well then." Samus leaned back, hands behind her head. "I guess I'll have to go back to my other gig." "Other gig?" Nathan leaned closer to the camera. "What other gig? Since when did you say 'gig'?" "Six months can do a lot for a girl, Nathan. It's been fun." Samus smirked at an inside joke. Just before she cut the connection, she said the last thing the agent would ever hear from her: "Thanks for playing."