“Good morning, Your High-”
“Yes, yes,” Celestia muttered and walked past the guard without even giving him her usual nod and smile. She pushed the door to the dining room open before the servants could do so for her. “Hello.”
Luna, Princess of the Night and Guardian of Yadda Yadda Who Cares, smiled politely. “Good morning.”
“Coffee?” Celestia asked the small pot close to her after sitting down at the table next to her sister.
There was an awkward pause as the pot of tea refused to answer. “Since my return, you have tried to outlaw coffee eight times,” Luna finally pointed out.
Celestia gave her a long look. She remembered her legislative pushes well, and the reason for their failures was sitting next to her. “So that’s a no, then?” When Luna merely raised an eyebrow, she groaned. “I didn’t sleep well.”
“Well, I can see that.”
“Oh?” Celestia checked the teapot again on the off chance that its content had spontaneously changed.
“Yes, you forgot to turn on the Royal Flowy Thingy,” Luna said and helpfully pointed at her own mane, which, unlike Celestia’s, was flowing majestically in the nonexistent wind.
“I’ll get to that once I either had caffeine or a nap.”
“You’re a fully realized alicorn, you technically don’t need-...” She shut up when Celestia just gave her a glare. “Let me guess: it’s about Blueblood?”
“He’s in love!?” The shriek made most of the servants and even some of the guards jump.
Luna allowed herself a smile. “Is that so hard to believe?”
“Yes!” Celestia snapped, but then quickly held up a hoof as she gathered herself. “Okay, that probably sounded bad, but you don’t know him.”
“I know him well enough to see that he is an entitled brat.”
One of the servants approached them, carefully pushing a cart with a large pot towards Celestia. “Coffee, your Highness?”
“Thank the heavens, the kitchen staff has received my prayers!” Celestia quickly grabbed the pot with her magic and filled a cup. “Well, it’s not quite as simple,” she resumed her conversation with Luna before emptying the cup in one gulp. “You seeeeEEEeeeeeaaaaaarghhhh...” She shuddered and grimaced. Right, I remember why I tried to outlaw this stuff.
“Well, I certainly see something,” Luna said, looking far too amused by her sister’s suffering.
“Bwahhh...” Celestia tried to use a piece of toast to sandpaper her tongue. Then she poured herself another cup. “Right. As I was saying... it’s not quite as simple. Blueblood has his fair share of issues, some of which are quite justified. His track record when it comes to dating and romance, however, is not entirely one of those justifiable issues. He has dated nobles and even some celebrities, and each time, it just came across as... as...”
“As an obligation?” Prince Blueblood finished her sentence as he strode into the dining hall.
“BLUEBLOOD!?” Celestia whirled around while Luna snickered quietly. A social faux-pas, the few times she actually committed one, rarely bothered her. However, with how little time she had to socialize with family members, no matter how distant, she tried to keep her record with them spotless.
“Good morning, aunt.” Blueblood politely bowed at her before repeating the gesture for the second alicorn. “Aunt Luna.”
“Good morning, Blueblood,” Luna replied cheerfully.
Right. What a start into my day. “I was just... telling Luna...”
“You were telling her about my dating record.” Blueblood didn’t appear to be mad. At all. “Yes, a shameful history of dashed expectations and abuse of status.” He shrugged and levitated a croissant from a large plate near his sitting cushion. “Things had been rough: the pressure to carry on the bloodline by siring a son had been immense. And mother and father pestering me to date any noblemare smart enough to flick her mane over her shoulder without losing her balance certainly did not help...” For a moment, the stallion stared off into space, but then he quickly plastered a smile onto his face and took a bite from the pastry. “Anyway, thanks to my brother, this has thankfully been resolved, and now Uncle Blueblood can pursue his true calling.”
You conveniently forgot to mention the years after your brother’s marriage, when dating had apparently become a sadistic pastime for you. “Finding... true... love?”
Blueblood playfully rolled his eyes at that. “Ah, that sounds like something straight out of a trashy romance novel.” He gave her the same enigmatic smile he had given her during dinner. “I would rather put it as serving my kingdom.”
Celestia didn’t even bother to hide her sideways glance at her sister. Luna merely raised an eyebrow. “Well, that may very well have been the most royal thing you have said in your entire life,” she finally conceded and tried to smile. “May I ask how you intend to... ah... serve your kingdom?”
“Why, I find it blindingly obvious.” He poured himself half a glass of orange juice and took a quick sip. “I shall confess my undying love to Miss Shadow.” He paused, then took another sip. “Everything else will fall into place from there.”
Celestia gave him a long, confused stare. “Did the doctor check for a concussion?” she finally couldn’t hold back the question any longer. “I have been told that Tempest Shadow has a wicked right hook...”
“She does!” He laughed lightly. “But no, I’m fine. More than fine, actually! I feel... I feel like I finally know my place in life. In... all of this. I feel like I finally got my cutie mark.”
“You already have one,” Celestia heard herself say and forced herself not to laugh at the absurdity of Blueblood of all ponies being enthusiastic about cutie marks. The mental image of him joining the Cutie Mark Crusaders didn’t make the task any easier.
“Our cutie marks are connected to our respective Royal Gifts; they don’t necessarily reflect our talents, virtues, or destinies.” He looked at the compass rose on his own flank. “My destiny is not to tell ponies how many miles away the coast of Neighpal is,” he muttered.
“Unless I missed some developments that happened during the last thousand years, Neighpal is a landlocked country and thus has no coast,” Luna chimed in, showcasing a penchant for pedantry that made her a feared negotiator and a highly annoying younger sister.
“See, it doesn’t reflect our destiny or our talents!” Blueblood said and pointed at Luna with the last bit of his croissant.
Celestia wasn’t sure if he was just trying to save face or if he had anticipated the response. Very likely the latter; even without the Royal Gift reflected in his cutie mark, he has better geography knowledge than most ponies in a half-mile radius. She frowned. Also, when was the last time he undersold literally any quality he possesses? He is up to something, but I can’t quite see what it is... The temptation to confront him was there, but she decided to let it go for now. Let him have his fun. He is acting like a royal for the first time in his life, so why should I stop him? And maybe he really is in love with her. But if he’s not... “Well, I hope you will find and realize your destiny, my dearest nephew. But before you go and do all that, I must ask you to let my Captain assign at least two guards to accompany you while you are out and about.”
“...guards?” Blueblood slowly raised an eyebrow. “I thought I only require an honor guard when I’m on diplomatic missions.”
“I’m not thinking of an honor guard. Just... two good ponies who trail behind and protect you, just in case.” So that they can save you once you dump Tempest in your usual spectacular and humiliating fashion. “It was... deemed necessary for the time being, what with the Storm King attack recently. Maybe there are... loyalists lurking in the shadows?” Or, you know, tempests lurking in the shadows. Eh? Ehhh? She cringed at her own awful joke. Good heavens, I thought coffee worked faster than that.
His eyes widened slightly, and he started to nod. “Of course! Yes, yes... that’s... I can absolutely... yes, that’s a wonderful idea. Can they meet me at my room in, say, half an hour?”
That was easier than expected. “Of course.” She watched him get up. “Oh, and Blueblood?”
He blinked and looked up at her. “Yes, aunt?”
“Good luck.” She smiled gently.
“Thank you.” He smiled back. “Oh, and aunt?”
“Yes, dear?”
“You forgot to turn on the Royal Flowy Thingy.”
Blueblood’s smile turned into a frown the moment he left the dining room. She suspects. Wait, no. She suspects something, but she’s not sure what it is yet. She’s certainly not buying that I’m unconditionally in love. Yet. That should be rectified after the first or second date. He huffed. Yes, I think I have nothing to worry about from Celestia. She may have been manipulated into believing Tempest’s lies, but she’s generally on my side. Good. His ear flicked back when he heard a second set of hoofsteps approaching from behind. Heavy hoofsteps. “Regelreiter, excellent.”
“Morning, boss,” the stallion said and joined Blueblood.
He was a unicorn, just like Blueblood, but the similarities more or less ended there. Aside from superficial differences like his grey-brown coat or dark grey mane, Regelreiter was Very Much And Absolutely Not Fat. It was, of course, undeniable that he had the physique of a pony who loved a hearty lunch but never had to do hard labor, but raising the point required more tact than Blueblood usually showcased.
There were many words one was allowed to use to describe him: ‘stout’ was one of Blueblood’s favorites since it almost sounded like a compliment. And if he needed something urgently, he resorted to the slightly euphemistic ‘sturdy.’ But calling the unicorn ‘fat’ was a mistake most ponies did exactly once. Blueblood had learned eighteen new curse words in three different languages the day he had done so for the first time. That was an extremely horrifying experience, but the day will come when I have to out-curse some foul-mouthed drunk in Germaneigh or Prance, and that day is going to be glorious.
Of course, occasional teasing aside, Blueblood didn’t really care about the few extra pounds. Regelreiter was one of the smartest and most competent civilians he had ever met, and Blueblood valued him more than he was ready to admit.
“I need you to run a quick errand for me,” Blueblood said and gave his aide a look over the shoulder to check his reaction.
Regelreiter frowned briefly, but then decided to dig for more information before protesting. “Errand as in the time you sent me to the library to look up obscure zoning laws and reverse lobbying just because you wanted to see how far you could get with your proposal to open a Spurbucks inside another Spurbucks?”
Blueblood grimaced. “No, this time will hopefully end with fewer lectures about whether or not it’s okay to funnel funds from the royal treasury into shadow committees to achieve controlling interest of a coffee chain.”
“Princess Luna approved of your actions, though.”
“Yes, and her caffeine addiction and the royally subsidized Spurbucks inside her astronomy tower are the only reasons why I haven’t spent the last few years being grounded.” He sighed. “But no. I need you to buy some flowers.”
“You... want me to... buy... flowers?” Regelreiter frowned deeply at this. “I feel like this is a good idea to remind you that you pay me for being your lawyer.”
“Technically, I pay you for being my aide.”
“An aide with a law degree who handles your legal matters.”
“See? Aide.” Blueblood rolled his eyes in a way he knew annoyed the other stallion.
“Right. I’ll be Canterlot’s best-paid flower courier, then.”
“Optimist,” Blueblood snorted, then laughed sheepishly when Regelreiter gave him a look. “Never mind.”
“I’ll remember this conversation when we sit down for my next performance review. But fine, whatever, you have obviously made up your mind. Who’s going to be today’s lucky mare? One of the nurses from yesterday, maybe? Or maybe-”
“Tempest Shadow.”
Regelreiter froze, then cursed under his breath. “I was hoping you’d have forgotten about that particular conspiracy theory by now.”
“Conspiracy theory?” Blueblood let out a harsh laugh, then quickly checked to make sure that nopony was nearby. “Tempest Shadow invaded this very city, attacked my family, and tried to lay waste to the entire world,” he finally hissed. “You don’t honestly believe that she just flipped a switch and became good, do you?”
Much to his credit, his aide was not intimidated or particularly surprised. “Princess Twilight believes so,” he finally replied, “and she’s the Princess of-”
“Oh, give me a break!” Blueblood snorted angrily. “Twilight is, what, eight?”
“I think she’s more in the area of twenty-something, so not that much younger than y-”
“And what did she have to say about yesterday’s vicious attack? Or the lying?”
“Good questions.” The bulkier pony shrugged. “Maybe somepony should actually, you know, ask her?”
“Yeah, sure, we’ll give her some time to compose a statement. It’s not like Tempest Shadow is known to get much done quickly, so this shouldn’t be- OH WAIT, SHE TOOK OVER THE ENTIRE CITY WITHIN AN HOUR!”
This time, Regelreiter did jump a little bit. “Okay, okay, no need to shout.” He coughed, trying to regain his composure. “Fine, so let’s assume that she is some sort of evil mastermind. Shouldn’t we call a professional to handle this, then? Maybe Captain That-One-Guy-Shining-Armor-Picked?”
Blueblood almost managed not to smirk at that. Neither of them had a bad memory, but Shining Armor’s successor as Captain of the Royal Guards was just so terribly bland. Possibly as competent as Shining Armor, but lacking his wit, charisma, and character. “He may already be compromised. Even in the best case, he might demand to do things by the book and in public, which would involve a whole number of ponies she has already gotten to.”
His aide frowned. “Just for the record, you sound like a conspiracy nutcase.”
“Just for the record, ponies have been fired for far less insulting statements,” Blueblood joked, carefully ignoring the point Regelreiter had raised.
“Feel free to try,” the bulkier pony replied airily. “I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding another idiot who will run your petty errands and prevent you from doing things that will get you sued.” He smirked. “Also, if you fire me for that, I will file a lawsuit against you for wrongful termination.”
“...this is why Celestia told me to have two lawyers at my disposal, isn’t it?”
“It is.”
“...I don’t have a second lawyer, do I?” Blueblood narrowed his eyes and gave Regelreiter a pointed look.
“As a matter of fact, you do!” Regelreiter replied. “However, three weeks in, you started to date her.”
“Oh.” Blueblood honestly had no idea who the pony in question had been. However, given that almost literally every single one of his relationships had ended the same way, he didn’t really need to ask any further questions in that direction. “...wait, I do? Present tense? If I’m still paying her, why have I never seen her around? I mean, I can accept that she wouldn’t join me for... I don’t know... the Grand Galloping Gala, but I would have expected her to show up for her annual performance reviews, at least.”
“The last time you saw her, she had vowed to set the royal palace on fire with your reproductive organs if she ever had to lay eyes on you again. You chose not to ask for details and instead generously offered to fund her move to Manehattan while agreeing to keep her on the payroll until further notice.”
Blueblood tilted his head, but then blinked. “Oh, her! Unicorn, cyan mane, grey coat, loved to nibble on my ear when-...” He stopped himself and coughed, trying to ignore the other stallion’s exasperated glare. “Right. Well. Good for her. We should probably still let her go and hire a local lawyer again.”
“Of course. Should I do that before or after organizing the flowers?”
“...flowers?” He blinked. “OH! RIGHT! FLOWERS!” He shook his head. “Right, right. I suppose I should save everypony from certain doom first. But then you get me a lawyer who doesn’t want to do things with my private parts.” He considered his phrasing. “Bad things,” he finally clarified.
For a few seconds, Regelreiter seemed to consider voicing some sort of condemnation, but then he simply sighed. “Of course. Flowers for Tempest Shadow. I presume I’ll arrange for the bouquet to be delivered to her room as per your usual mode of operation?”
“No. No delivery. Go to the shop, pick up the bouquet, then bring it to my quarters. I shall deliver it personally.”
“...bold opening move. Need I remind you what happened the last time you went face to face with her?”
Blueblood touched his cheek without even thinking about it. “No. However, this time, I will be prepared, and I will not be alone.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. My aunt has decided to assign guards for my protection-” He pretended not to notice the barely suppressed laugh of his lawyer. “-from Storm King loyalists and not because she thinks that Tempest Shadow might try to punch me again.”
“Right. Right.” Regelreiter was still looking far too amused.
Blueblood sighed, though he now did question why his aunt had only decided to assign guards to him after he had declared his new dating plans. “Anyway. They will report to my quarters shortly. Once they arrived and you got me some flowers, we shall begin.”
“As you insist,” Regelreiter announced and bowed dramatically before heading for the stairs.
The moment he was out of sight, Blueblood could hear him laugh.
Tempest blinked and slowly pulled her blanket further up to shield her eyes - apparently, she had forgotten to close her curtains last night.
Weeks ago, sleeping in past sunrise would have sounded like lunacy. Now, she had adopted a slightly more relaxed view of things. Being unemployed certainly helps, she snarked silently. Wonder how much longer the princesses will let me live rent-free in one of their deluxe suites. Especially after yesterday.
The thought made her feel uncomfortable enough that she finally got up. “Right. Let’s see if Princess Celestia at last came to her senses and stapled an eviction notice on my do-” The rest of her musing was lost to a hailstorm of curses and grunts of pain until she finally collapsed halfway between her bed and the floor.
For a few seconds, she let her head rest on the cold marble floor, just panting quietly. “Right,” she finally muttered, remembering the events of the last day.
It was a most undignified position, with half of her body on the bed and the other half on the floor, but there were no witnesses she had to murder, so she decided to take things slowly. After a few preliminary checks to make sure that she could at least get away with small movements in each limb, she made the judgment call to drag herself fully onto the floor.
Okay, she thought after a few seconds on the marble floor, if for some reason I’m not being evicted today, I should suggest underfloor heating to Princess Celestia. It doesn’t have to be all fancy-like with actual lava like the setup I have on my ship, but come on! She literally controls the sun and can’t even spring for warm floors in her suites? She laughed at her warped sense of priorities before carefully working her way up onto all fours again. The more she moved, the more she was amazed by how much she actually could move. After all the fighting and faceplanting I’ve done, it’s a minor miracle that I can move at all. I mean, I probably shouldn’t pick a fight like that again for at least another day, but... wow, this was actually some potent medicine! Reminds me of the stuff the Storm Creatures use after fights... except that this stuff here doesn’t make me see beyond eternity for three days afterward. She stretched carefully, then took a few steps, cautious at first, but after a few minutes, she was moving almost as if nothing had happened.
“Wow, as long as I don’t overdo it, I should be ready to go.” She smiled and nodded. Then she frowned. “Not that I have anywhere to go to. I suppose I could swipe something to eat and pay my couch a visit? Wouldn’t hurt to see a few friendly faces again...”
She opened the door leading out into the corridor... and nearly walked into the group of ponies that had gathered on the other side.
“I’m still not sure...” Blueblood gave the bouquet another look, and Regelreiter barely held back a groan. “These flowers look so... pedestrian.”
His aide leaned in closer and gestured at the door they were standing in front of. “We literally walked all the way to her door, and you’re still going on about the flowers?” He paused, then sighed. “Look, neither of us is exactly a florist, right? I ordered something that goes well with a rose-colored mane. These literally are roses. They’re the perfect fit. And if you think they look ‘pedestrian,’ a look at the bill might rectify that.”
Blueblood huffed. “Fine, fine... I just like the look of those... blue flowers more...” When his aide gave him a confused look. “The ones I got Galindia, remember?”
“...that was Poison Joke,” Regelreiter informed him after a moment of hesitation. “Need I remind you that it caused her to speak in a language so old that even Princess Celestia had forgotten it even existed?”
Blueblood hesitated. “Ohhhhhh, right... right... Those were a weird couple of days.” He tilted his head. “But if I remember correctly, she was pretty thankful afterward. Something about that episode unlocking knowledge inside her mind that helped her in her job?”
“Yes, a massive breakthrough for the Royal Canterlot University’s department of Ancient Studies. And the fame Professor Galindia got from publishing several dozen papers on this language, as well as the sextuple digit donation to her future research projects persuaded her not to press charges against you.”
“See, it all worked out in the end!” When Regelreiter just scowled, he sighed. “Fine, no exotic, mildly cursed flowers for my soon-to-be marefriend. Got it.” He turned towards the door, took a deep breath, and raised his hoof to-
The door opened.
And I already lost the initiative! Blueblood forced himself to smile and looked up at the mare who was now standing in front of him.
His smile faltered the moment his eyes fell onto her horn. Or rather, onto the jagged remains of her horn. “Whu-...” He grimaced, finding himself incapable of looking away. “Whuuuuuu-...” Somehow, it looked much more horrifying now that he was giving it more than just a passing glance. “Whuuuuugh...” The croissant he had eaten earlier was rapidly trying to work its way back up his throat.
Moments before literally vomiting on the mare he was trying to seduce, he managed to look down, settling on a somewhat more dignified minute of dry heaving.
When he came back to his senses, he realized that Tempest was still standing in front of him, giving him a look somewhere between outrage and utter confusion. It’s okay! I can still save this! “Ugh! Your crippled... stump! How can you even live with yourself, knowing that you’re cursed with such a disfigurement? Ewww...” I just have to choose my words carefully; this isn’t even the worst situation I-... wait, am I talking already? “I’ll be doing you a favor by letting you go out with me. You’re probably ashamed to go out alone and-”
Just as he was about to curse himself for his big mouth, Tempest slammed the door shut... and straight into his face. He flinched, but far too late to avoid the blinding pain that came from his muzzle. “MY NOSE!” He briefly considered fainting, but his suddenly increased adrenaline levels overrode that notion. “SHE BROKE MY NOSE!” he snapped at Regelreiter, who was giving him a wide-eyed look.
“You... you’ll be fine,” his aide finally said. “Or... you’ll at least be whatever you normally are.”
“SHE ATTACKED ME!” Blueblood pulled a handkerchief from a hidden compartment of his bowtie and gently touched his bruised nose. When he pulled it away again, he noticed a dark red stain on it. “SHE ATTACKED ME AND I’M ACTUALLY BLEEDING! AND YOU DIDN’T PROTECT ME!”
Regelreiter let out a long sigh, obviously determined to remain calm while his boss was probab-... most like-... definitely bleeding to death. “I’m your aide and not your bodyguard,” he finally replied.
Okay... point, he silently admitted, as much as it pained him to do so. Refusing to concede the point verbally, he instead turned to face the two stallions who had been standing behind him the entire time. “THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU TWO PROTECT ME?”
The two Royal Guards looked at each other. Finally, the slightly stronger looking one of the two shrugged. “We were mostly dumbfounded that you’d say something this crass right to her face, Your Highness.”
The smaller guard nodded. “Yes. Also, with all due respect, but... you had that coming, Sir.”
“I WHAT?” A part of him took pleasure in seeing two grown and armored stallions flinching under his verbal assault, but a larger part was still exasperated by their words.
“They’re saying you deserved this,” Regelreiter chimed in, making him whirl around. “And... yeah, you absolutely deserved this.”
“I DID NOT!”
“You totally did.”
“SHE’S A CRIPPLE WHO KEEPS ATTACKING ME WHILE I’M SEDUCING HER!”
The bulkier stallion gawked. “...that was you seducing her?”
“YES!” Well, strictly speaking... no. But I would have gotten there eventually.
There was a moment of silence as Regelreiter considered this. Blueblood used the slight break to gently wipe some more blood from his nose. “Wow. You’re... actually terrible at this!”
“I’ll admit I’m not entirely used to seducing a mare who is-” Horribly disfigured and evil. “-not already infatuated with me... or my title at least,” he muttered and gave the blood-soaked handkerchief a look. I should just call it quits, tell the guards to firebomb Tempest’s room, and go to the nurse’s office again. Maybe grant her the chance to date a royal, if just to work with somepony again who actually appreciates such an opportunity. “So, as somepony who thinks he can just go around and criticize dating approaches, what do you suggest I do?”
Regelreiter rolled his eyes and groaned; he knew Blueblood’s belittling tone far too well. “I don’t know... how does an apology sound?”
“Wha-...” He shook his head, only to stop when the motion made him dizzy. Right. I definitely need to go to the nurse’s office afterward. Date and firebombing optional. “You want me to apologize? Me?”
“Well, you-”
“I’m a Prince of Equestria! Royalty! We don’t apologize to commoners!”
“Well, she’s an ambassador, so you could justify it as diplomacy if you’re actually this unwilling to do the decent thing.”
You know all too well that she is not an ambassador! Blueblood had not mastered any sort of telepathy spell yet (and would likely never do so), so he had to hope that his dark look would convey at least a rough approximation of his thoughts.
Regelreiter shrugged at that, as if trying to tell him something along the lines of, “You’re not supposed to know that!”
Blueblood gritted his teeth. “Fine,” he hissed. “Diplomacy, then. But I’m not apologizing.” Before Regelreiter had a chance to complain, he knocked at the door.
The good news was that Tempest did open the door. The bad news was that she was apparently still angry. “What.”
Just don’t look at her horn, just don’t look at her horn, just don’t look at her horn... He tried to make eye contact without accidentally looking too far up. “Miss Shadow!” he greeted her and faked a smile. “I shall ignore your attack on me just now in the spirit of beneficial-...” He suddenly frowned. “Wait, is there still blood on my muzzle? Gosh, I must look horrible...”
Tempest Shadow slowly narrowed her eyes. A detached part of Blueblood noted that she managed to say a lot with just the smallest of gestures. “What do you want?” she asked, making no effort to conceal the fact that she was still holding on to the door, ready to slam it shut again at a moment’s notice.
“I have come in the spirit of peace,” he started, drawing inspiration from a speech he had prepared for a mission to the Griffon Empire that had ended up being unnecessary when the tensions at the time had once again ebbed. “Let bygones be bygones! I am ready to start a new chapter - together with you! Just you and I, talking things over and making amends as equals!” He hesitated. “Well... not exactly as equals because... well, I’m a royal and you’re not... but close!” Great opening, could’ve used some more work in the ending. Oh well, still should’ve been enough.
She raised an eyebrow at that, but at least didn’t immediately shoot him down. Finally, she simply nodded at the other ponies. “Is that why you brought your armed guards and your secretary along?”
No, they’re here to arrest you and act as credible witnesses. He tried not to smirk at that. “He’s not my secretary, but my lawyer,” he finally chose to clarify, acting on a hunch on where to take this talk.
“...that’s even weirder.”
“I’m his aide,” Regelreiter counter-clarified.
“An aide with a law degree,” Blueblood shot back.
“See? Aide.” They both grinned at this.
“And the guards,” Blueblood continued to explain, “are... for my... protection.” I should’ve thought of a better excuse in advance!
“Protection?” Tempest immediately asked. “From what?”
There was an awkward silence as Blueblood frantically considered his options. Finally, he adjusted his mental script for this talk once again. “From all potential threats. Including you.”
Tempest’s eyes widened at that. Behind him, the guards audibly shifted their weight, sensing that this situation was about to go from “diplomatic blunder” to “accidental declaration of war” levels of failure. After a few seconds, Tempest exhaled slowly and made a show of leaning out of her room to check for more guards. “...just these two lawn ornaments?” she finally asked. “Not sure if I should feel insulted.”
Heh... “Lawn ornaments?” He let out a fake gasp. “Excuse me, but these are two Royal Guards. They are among the best of the best of the best. I could send one of them to fetch me a coffee and still feel adequately protected.”
She blinked. “Okay, now I’m definitely feeling insulted.”
Good, good, now I just have to maintain the initiative. “Ha!” He waved his hoof dismissively. “Every Royal Guard knows at least two forms of unarmed combat and is proficient in using at least three weapons!”
“Not simultaneously,” Regelreiter added quietly. “Assertion void in St. Cloppington.”
Blueblood’s smile briefly froze in place. “Lawyers,” he finally muttered. “Ahem, where was I... oh, right!” He cleared his throat and took careful note of the tiny hint of a smile he could see on her face. “With even just one of them by my side, you wouldn’t be able to-”
“Actually, I don’t,” the shorter guard interrupted him, then flinched under Blueblood’s glare.
Uppity guards, I don’t believe it! He made a mental note to give the Captain an earful after he visited the nurse. “Pardon me?” he finally asked after making an effort to hide most of his irritation.
“I don’t,” the guard repeated his words once he was sure that his coworker had no intention to kill him out of mercy.
“You don’t what?”
“I don’t... Your High-”
“VERBS!” There was a moment of silence as everybody stared openly at the exasperated royal. Okay, that was not strictly necessary, but I’m not used to GUARDS INTERRUPTING ME AND-
His descent into an entirely justified hissy fit was cut off by a low laugh. “Ah, it’s so hard to find good minions who know not to interrupt a dramatic monologue,” Tempest mused and flashed the four stallions a lazy smile. “Luckily, bad minions are a bit a dozen, and chucking one or two overboard is a wonderful teaching moment.“
Overboard? What is this, a cruise ship? Blueblood blinked. “Yes... thank you!” he finally said and nodded. “A bit more drastic than I would have put it, but at least somepony here understands that guards should speak only when spoken to.” He directed a pointed look at the two guards, who did their best to avoid eye contact for the time being.
“Unless it’s an emergency,” Regelreiter added.
“Well, yes. Which this wasn’t.” Blueblood took a deep breath. “Now. What was it you were trying to say?” he asked the guard.
The two guards exchanged looks, as if silently debating whether or not to further engage the royal they had cheesed off. “I... don’t know two forms of unarmed combat and three weapon skills, Your Highness,” the shorter one finally replied.
“You don’t?” He blinked. “Why not? I thought this was standard training for all guards.”
The guard shifted uncomfortably. “I’m a translator.”
“You’re... a translator,” Blueblood repeated slowly, his script to seduce the mare behind him long forgotten.
“Yes, Your Highness.”
He gave Regelreiter a look, but the larger stallion was looking just as baffled as he was. “...no offense to your profession, but why did the Captain think it would be a good idea to send you along for this assignment?” What is he going to do when I order him to arrest Tempest? Call for backup in Prench while she breaks his legs?
“You’re one of Equestria’s highest-ranking diplomats,” the guard said, even though his tone suggested that this had indeed been a good question, “so... I suppose I’m here in case you need something translated in a diplomatic encounter?”
This is somehow both stupid and brilliant at the same time, Blueblood silently admitted but kept the thought to himself. “But... I’m just talking to her. Are you here just on the off-chance that she insults me in some foreign language?”
“Well, if she did, it would be awkward if you didn’t have a translator at hoof.”
“She probably doesn’t even know any foreign languages.”
“Wie komme ich von hier zum Bahnhof?” Tempest asked, and Blueblood decided that he liked her angry tone more than her smug one.
“...okay, I obviously stand corrected.” He sighed theatrically, but his mind was racing as it made notes about Tempest’s apparent skills and how to get his mission back on track. Keep track of what she can do; don’t reveal what you can do. That way, you can stay one step ahead of her. “What did she say?”
The guard was looking happy but wisely chose not to gloat. “She asked how-”
“She called your mother an elk.”
Three heads abruptly turned towards Regelreiter. “She WHAT?” Blueblood asked.
“No, she didn’t!” the guard pleaded, but the bulkier stallion merely chortled.
“I wish to point out that she spoke in my first language,” he said and pointed at the guard, “whereas you don’t even know that guy’s name.”
I don’t know the names of any guard, Blueblood silently clarified the statement. Well, except for Shining Armor, but he’s not a guard anymore, so there. He looked from his aide to the translator guard, then back. “...why are you trying to provoke a confrontation?”
“Two reasons.” Regelreiter smiled knowingly. “First of all, at this rate, you’re learning more about this guard than about the lady you wanted to ask out.”
Blueblood blinked at that. What does he mean with-... No, he’s right. I was focusing too much on this guy. I did gain some insight into what Tempest can do, but... yes, I did get a little too caught up in this matter. “A... fair point,” he conceded. “And the other reason?”
“The second reason is that I would love you to pick a fight with her, even if just to see if she can deck you before the guards can interfere.” Regelreiter was grinning openly now. “I missed yesterday’s spectacle, so this is my chance for a repeat performance.”
Tempest slowly raised her hoof, as if asking for permission to speak. “This might be a good time to point out that I’m trying to be a good and non-violent pony,” she said carefully, but her confident look betrayed her tone. “So, as much as I want to punch you right now, I know I shouldn’t do it.”
Well, obviously. Punching me would dispel the illusion you’re trying to maintain. Let’s play along - I think I’m starting to see how to work her, and these talkative guards will help me. “Actually, feel free to try!” He gave her a wide grin. “I have nothing to fear, so you have my complete blessing! In front of witnesses, I take full responsibility for any hits you manage to land!” He ignored the way the guards gasped. “Because, you see, even if one of them is primarily working as a translator, you are looking at the guards who defended the nation against Nightmare Moon!”
“Actually,” the translator reliably spoke up, apparently taking this blatant falsehood as permission to interrupt him once again. “Princess Twilight did most of the heavy lifting there. We mostly handled crowd control.”
“...ah.” Blueblood pretended to be mildly set back by this. “Well, they defended the nation against Discord and sealed him back in stone!”
“That... was also Princess Twilight’s doing,” the bigger guard corrected him.
“We kept the general populace at bay,” the translator added.
“How about the Changeling Queen?”
“Princess Twilight.”
“And Princess Cadance.”
Blueblood looked from them to Tempest, making sure that she was looking amused. “King Whatever up north?”
“Princess Cadance.”
“And Princess Twilight.”
“Plunder vines and the kidnapping of the royal sisters?” Come to think of it... this kingdom gets into a LOT of trouble...
“Princess Twilight.”
“Tirek?”
“Princess Twilight.”
“...I’m starting to see a pattern,” he finally conceded. And said pattern is that this kingdom needs better security. “Where is Princess Twilight right now?” Not that I need a reminder, given that we just got told about her whereabouts yesterday. But let’s establish a mild case of bad memory on my side, if only to lower expectations.
“Visiting the hippogriffs on a mission of friendship.”
“Huh.” He rubbed his chin as if considering this. “...okay, on second thought, don’t punch me,” he finally told Tempest, who was smirking openly by now.
“Only because you asked nicely,” she replied.
Okay, she seems pleased enough. “So. Since we’re past the violence stage, how about lunch? My treat, of course!”
She blinked at that, but then laughed softly. “Sure, why not? Come and pick me up whenever.” And with that, she closed the door slowly, giving him plenty of time to not get hit by it again.
“Looking forward to it,” Blueblood whispered, making sure that his smile wasn’t too wide.
Tempest closed the door, then, once she heard its reassuring click, leaned heavily against it and exhaled slowly. Did I just...?
She played back the memory of the last few minutes to make sure that she hadn’t misread the Prince’s intentions. Did he just...?
“Are we actually going to go out? Together?” She frowned, considering whether to add one critical question to the pile. “Like some sort of date?” She wanted to laugh at the notion, but the noises that came out of her throat were closer to a deranged hiccup than her usual, slightly condescending laugh.
Okay, so... date? Lunch date? Date and lunch? Maybe? She allowed herself a smile. No idea why he would even talk to me after all that had happened yesterday, but... well, Princess Twilight and Princess Celestia forgave me worse things, and he is a royal, so... maybe that’s kind of their “thing?”
She nodded to herself. “Prolly just him being polite,” she whispered. “But I can do this. Quick lunch. Small talk. Pretend that nothing ever happened. Get a confirmation that no assault charges are going to be pressed. Move on.”
Her calm self-confidence lasted less than five seconds. “No, I can’t do this!” She whined and pushed herself away from the door. “I wasn’t trained for this! I wasn’t trained for diplomacy and being nice and flirt-... friendly small talk! This stuff never came up with the Storm King! Infiltration, explosions, violence, military maneuvers, sure! But lunch?” She started to pace. “I have no experience! No plan! No time to assemble and brief a backup team! ...I have nothing to wear!”
There was a pause.
A long pause.
“...did I actually just say that?” she finally asked herself and grimaced. “Did I seriously just descend into girly-girl mode because of... what? Because of some guy who managed to be moderately charming for two minutes after nearly losing his breakfast at the mere sight of my horn? Am I really this desperate for... company? For companionship?”
She huffed angrily. “No, I’m not!” Then she quickly looked over her shoulder, as if to make sure that nopony had snuck in. “Okay... maybe? A bit?” She dragged herself back onto her bed and sighed. “...what-”
“-just happened?” Regelreiter gestured at the door, then at Blueblood, then back at the door. “She slammed a door in your face! And less than five minutes later, she agrees to a lunch date?”
Blueblood allowed himself a quiet laugh. “I didn’t get the job of one of Equestria’s top diplomats through nepotism.” Well, okay, not just through nepotism, he quietly added. “Reading ponies and making them like me is part of my job description.” He hesitated. “Also, I’m handsome and charming, and I just promised her free lunch.”
Regelreiter frowned, as if considering which points to challenge. “I’m pretty sure she’s been getting free lunches for the last couple of days,” he finally pointed out.
“Heh.” Blueblood signaled him to follow him down the corridor. “Come on, I need to get ready for my big date!”
“What about the flowers?”
He gave him a confused look. “What flow-...” He looked down at the flowers he had apparently dropped when the door had smacked him in the face. Oh. Right. The flowers I meant to give to her. He blinked, then shrugged, his smile long forgotten. “Don’t care. If one of the guards wants them, he can have them. Speaking of guards, you two can report back to the Captain. Tell him that I want two guards at my side who actually have a chance to take down a threat instead of starting an argument with me when I least need it.”
The guards exchanged quick looks, then nodded solemnly. “Of course, Your Highness.”
“Forgive us, Your Highness.” And with that, they picked up the flowers and left.
Blueblood huffed, then led the way down the corridor. “I swear, I’m going to court-martial the Captain if he casually risks my safety like that again.”
“I think he had good intentions when he sent that translator to help you.”
“And I think both you and he forgot that I speak five languages at a conversational level,” Blueblood hissed.
“I know that you only require a translator for negotiating contracts and treaties,” Regelreiter said. “After all, that’s how we met.” He smirked. “Aber ich weiß auch, dass Sie den Weg zum Bahnhof nicht kennen.”
“Very funny,” Blueblood lied, careful to leave his point unaddressed. “Just meet me here again in an hour - I’d like to have as many witnesses as possible around for this date.” He scowled - this play was already testing his patience, but he wasn’t sure if it was because of Tempest or because he was the only one who was taking this seriously. “Let’s see if we can wrap this up before dinner.”