I hadn’t been expecting to stay on Gallopfrey long. A year or two at the most. Instead I wound up spending three. It was an interesting three years. I got to see much more than I had my last ten years as a human.
Perhaps the first year was the most important. I actually was able to get a job as an acolyte at my own temple, which was hysterical. I was put in charge of organizing (and writing) texts of the faith.
The title I’d chosen for myself was The Wanderer, but the Gallopfreyans gave me other titles as well. I seemed to have a direct line of communication with the Architect. If someone brought their prayers to the temple and the information was passed on to me, the prayer would usually be answered. I also had access to information that only the Architect could have known, although I received that information in dreams. My faith was slowly turned into something that placed more emphasis on the individual and doing good to all than a cosmic entity. They called me “The Seer” or “The Prophet,” neither of which I enjoyed, but I couldn’t take them back.
My piano lessons actually went surprisingly well. I was able to play basic pieces by the end of that first year and had a much better understanding of music theory. I made sure to keep on improving my other hobbies as well.
Aleyebraxus was the first friend I’d had in a long time, but she started asking questions right away.
“What was it?”
I turned from the scroll I was busy writing. Circular Gallopfreyan was still a very complicated language, even if you did understand it well enough to read and write. “What was what?”
“Your name. The one you had before you came here.”
I gave an annoyed huff. “That’s my business. It’s one of the only things I took with me, along with my mind and soul.”
“I’ll find it out eventually, so you might as well save me the trouble and tell me now before I embarrass you with it.”
I sighed. “My name is John. It’s the Latinized version of a Hebrew name which means ‘[God] is gracious,’ or ‘graced by [God].’ The actual meaning uses another name for God, but I prefer not to use that name, I don’t want Him any angrier at me than He already is. My surname can mean ‘dark,’ ‘black haired,’ ‘unlucky’ or ‘defiance.’ Names are … a hobby of mine, I believe that names should say what something is.” I turned and glared at her. “I’ve told you mine what does your name mean?”
She chuckled. “Aleyebraxus means ‘One who sees the curve of the universe and interprets it,’ or ‘bright spark,’ usually both. Fitting name for an oracle, isn’t it?” I nodded, trying to go back to my work. “What was your home like?”
“Unbearably hot and fatally polluted,” I said more harshly than I intended. I sighed. “Sorry. It was … good. And bad. Every spring the hills would turn green for a month, and for a week they’d blaze yellow and orange when the wildflowers bloomed. People actually came from miles away to see the poppies. When the sun would set, the sky was lilac, the clouds were peach, and the sun was a cherry dipping below the horizon. You could hike the mountains and swim the sea in the same day if you got up early enough and didn’t stay long. You could talk to trees that were over 2,000 years old. The summer farmer’s markets always had live shows, the fairs were the biggest and the best, and every Christmas they made it fake snow so we could enjoy it. I miss it. A lot. I didn’t think I would. … I don’t like to talk about it. I miss my friends. They were all crazy, but we were crazy together. We all understood, and we knew it was ok to be afraid of your mind. I’m never going to see them again, or play D&D with them, or see the latest superhero movie.
…
That’s what my home was like.”
“Do you have a home here?”
I set my pen down. “No,” I said, realizing that I’d never made myself a permanent place to call home. “I just … Wander,” I said with a grin. “I should build one.”
She grabbed my scroll and rolled it up. “Go. Make a home, I don’t want any arguments. I doubt it will take you long, and your job will still be here when you’re done.”
“You don’t tell me what to do.”
She gave a smug smirk. “You may be the god of this world, but you agreed to work for me, so yes, actually I do.”
I sighed. “I’m not a god. I’ll be back in a day or two. A house should be easier than a planet.”
I stepped off the planet and glanced at the stars. “Right…” I concentrated. A demiplane sprang into existence a step and a half above the universe. I stumbled a bit, that had actually taken a lot of energy, which surprised me. A key on a string appeared in front of me, hanging lazily in front of me.
It was topped with most of a skull before the body and the teeth turned into filigree. It looked like it was made of tarnished silver.
Heh. Skeleton key. Of course. I grabbed it and stuck it into the air in front of me, turning it to the right until I felt it click. A crack of light in the shape of a door opened I pulled the door open and stepped through, not sure what to expect.
A castle hadn’t been high on the list. But when I saw it….
Well. Physics have gone right out the window…
“And why shouldn’t they, they’re so inconvenient!” came a familiar voice. I turned and saw Apep lying on his back in the air, a grin on his muzzle.
Your middle initial wouldn’t happen to be ‘Q,’ would it? My id would have that sort of personality.
I glanced down. The welcome mat read, “GO AWAY!” Well, this is definitely my home, I said with a sigh. Hope it’s not some villainous lair…
Alexis landed on my shoulder, peering at our my new home. “I think you’re good. Can we go inside?”
I nodded and pulled the door open. The inside was brightly lit, for looking like a medieval castle on the outside. There was lots of warm wood and intricate carpets on the floor. Hanging directly opposite the door was a banner that read, “WELCOME TO MY LAIR. ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!”
I wasn’t sure where to go. A chiming sound took me by surprise. I glanced down. Plugged into an outlet by the door was … my phone?!! I picked it up. I have wi-fi here?! I asked in shock. The network name was “Millennial’s Lifeblood,” which made me crack up, since I resembled that remark.
I pulled open my messages and tried to send one to my best friend. “NOT DEAD!!!! Well, ok, dead, but I still exist! Can you tell everyone I’m OK? It’s actually not too hot down here, and once you get used to the smell of brimstone, it’s easy sailing. XD” I hit “Send.” An alarm chimed. An error message on my phone read, “Contact not allowed at this time. Please try again later.” What is that supposed to mean?! I hit “more info.” The message expanded. “Contact with family and associates still living is not permitted. Please wait until the end of time, and your call will be taken by the next available representative, your business is very important to us!”
How could he still be alive? It’s been 5,000 years! Mind you, he said the reason he became an engineer was to build a cyber body and transcend the limitations of the human form. Or, the more logical thought is that time works very differently here. I wonder how long I’ve been dead. Ten years? A year? A month? A day? Am I going to wake up in the ambulance in a day or two? Not being dead would be great, but if I am dead, I’d rather finish my work…
“Boss! You’ve gotta come see this!” came Apep’s voice.
Of course they ran off without me, I chuckled. Huh. Why does my voice sound different if I’m not pretending to be mortal? Eh, doesn’t matter. I followed the sounds of Apep and Alexis, and my jaw dropped when I stepped through the door. OK, that’s just showing off!
I had a library. An enormous library! As in Barnes and Noble big. There had to be thousands of books in there. It would take me years to read them all. I had no idea where they even came from, but it was one of the most beautiful sights I’d seen.
I yelped when someone leaned on top of my head. I was human shaped at the moment, not pony shaped, which meant I was 6-ish feet tall if I stood up straight. So, for someone to comfortably lean on me…
I glanced up. Apep smiled and began running his fingers through my hair. I swatted him away and wriggled out from under him. He had to be eight feet tall! My, how you’ve grown!
Apep chuckled, “Yeah, being Bite-Sized all the time isn’t fun, and here we can let our hair down, so to speak.”
For being my Id, you’re being pretty … kind? Chill?
“Eh, I want your happiness, I just go about it in ways that ‘aren’t socially acceptable,’” he said with an eye roll.
“I found something I think you’ll like!” came Alexis’s voice from another room. We quickly followed.
I hadn’t noticed it, but each room had a small plaque next to the door that said what each room was. This room was labeled “Knitting Room.” The room was very nice, it had a couple of couches, a fireplace against one wall, and a TV with a shelf full of DVDs. “Nice!” I said.
“Oh, that’s not what I’m talking about!” said Alexis in a smug voice. He was also full sized and was holding open a door built into the wall by the couches. I headed in. The room was all shelves, each shelf full of cubbyholes filled with yarn. My entire apartment would have fit in this room about 3 times. There had to be a hundred thousand skeins of yarn in here, in every color and pattern you could imagine. It was organized by color even! It was beautiful!
Wow! Man, I’m not going to have to go to the yarn store for almost a month! I began to examine my stash. Hanging along one wall were knitting needles in various sizes. Let’s see … I’ve got cobalt and fuchsia aplenty, every color they have in a store, size eight needles I’ve got … twenty … but … who cares? No big deal! 🎶I WAAANNNNTTT MOOOOOREEEE!!!🎶 I realized I was bursting into a parody song and clamped my mouth shut. The feeling went away.
I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard music blasting.
I followed my ears until I saw Apep and Alexis both jamming to a song together. It was one of my favorite songs, but it was an odd song for two guys to dance to, given the context…
As soon as the first run-through of the chorus came on, they both burst into song, each grinning at the other.
When they were done, I said, Wow. You both have really nice voices!
“Thanks Boss!” Apep said with a grin. Alexis shrugged modestly.
I chuckled. Why do I have the feeling you two are going to become some sort of couple?
Their mouths dropped open. They looked at each other. They looked at me. They looked back at each other, they looked back with me. In unison they shouted, “WITH THAT GUY?!!!” in outrage.
Touché, I muttered.
There was a lot more castle to explore, and at one point I felt like I was being turned inside out as the floor became the ceiling and vice versa. Thankfully my body adjusted to the sudden flip in gravity. It’s nowhere near chaotic enough, but Discord would love parts of this! Huh. I paused. I wonder how he’s going to show up. Do I create him? As a personification, does he just appear one day? I refuse to have a MLP ‘verse without my favorite character… I’ll figure that out later…
I didn’t see the whole castle that first night. It seemed to be bigger on the inside. Each room was bigger on the inside. Considering that from the outside it was an enormous bloody CASTLE that was saying something! There were two last stops I made.
The first was labeled “O&O chamber of ceremonies.” OK, what’s…? I opened the door. Oh, holy fudge biscuits, YES!!! I cheered. It was a circular room made of dark grey stone. In the center of the room was a stone table surrounded by 12 high back stone chairs with cushions. It looked a lot like the friendship map, honestly. Torches lined the walls, burning with a harmless magical fire. Banners dangled from the ceiling, each showing the symbol for a class from D&D (or in this case Ogres and Oubliettes) along with the name under the symbol. Most of the ceiling was a glass dome that showed a night sky, even though it was still daylight outside. There was a vending machine filled with free snacks, and a small bookshelf. The books were the O&O Player’s Handbook, the Dungeon Master’s Guide, the Monster Manual, and a few thin binders filled with character sheets and stats for monsters. There were also rolled up map sheets and whiteboard markers and erasers.
On top of the bookcase was a small chest labeled “Miniatures.” I pulled it open. Huh. These look like … Spike, Big Mac, Discord, Thorax, and … Sombra?! That can’t be right. On the chair that looked like the head of the table was a grey hat that looked like Gandalf’s, with the letters “DM” stitched in in blue thread. This is so cool!!!
Behind the chair was a large chest with the word “Dice” in gold letters set into the lid. I pulled it open. Holy buck!!! I swore. The chest had teeth. And a tongue. Six beady orange eyes opened and stared at me. 
“Language!” The chest … no … the mimic snapped. I glanced down. He...? was actually labeled correctly. Sitting in the mimic’s “mouth” were 45 sets of dice. He sighed wearily. “Look, I’m not going to eat you! Although, if you throw the odd bit of salmon my way, I’d be most appreciative.”
Duly noted. I’ll set a note to remind myself. Do … do you have a name?
The mimic closed his eyes and seemed to grimace. “Chester,” he muttered.
Ouch!
“Yeah, not my pick of name,” Chester grumbled.
Sorry, that’s probably my fault. I’m overly fond of bad puns. I always wanted a pet mimic, provided it wouldn’t eat my friends … How often do you have to eat?
“Just once a month,” Chester said casually. “We tend to sit in one place for long and wait for prey to come by, so we’re used to not eating often.”
Deal. I held out my hand, Chester extended a pseudopod, and we shook. Will you be ok in here? O&O won’t be invented for a long time, and that’s assuming I bring friends over. I don’t want you to just sit here for thousands of years.
“Mimics tend to hibernate until something tasty wanders by. I’ll be good, I just want to be fed, and talked to. Maybe you could leave some books? I’m technically a sort of prop anyway.”
I’ll bring the books. It was nice to meet you!
“Catch you later!” Chester called.
The very last room was my bedroom. Of course it’s a Slytherin dormitory, I muttered. 
Still really nice! I walked over to the window and glanced out. The view outside was the bottom of a lake with kelp waving in the currents. Schools of fish darted in and out. Hope there aren’t Merpeople out there, I get dressed in this room! The bed was wide enough to fit about four people, but … Why is it so short? I could have gotten into it with ease if I was 3 feet tall and quadrupedal. I facepalmed. It’s designed for a pony, John. I shifted into an earth pony and flopped into bed. Mmm... comfortable, I said happily. I glanced around. You could fit 4 ponies on this thing! Considering that this whole place was designed perfectly for me, I hope that’s not a subconscious wish to bring somepony home… Why is some of this place pony height and some human height? Beats me…
Apep and Alexis walked into the room, having finished exploring.
How’d it go?
“Good! I think you’ll like living here.”
“Eh, could do with a few more bells and whistles,” Apep muttered.
I thought about it. I haven’t slept in almost 5,000 years, but … a night’s rest sounds good. I could probably will myself to sleep. Hopefully I won’t have nightmares. Do you guys have somewhere to sleep?
Apep shrugged. “Nah, I think we just go back into that demented brain of yours. Night boss, sleep well!”
“Night!”’ Alexis called. The two disappeared.
I shifted back into human form and got under the snake emblazoned green sheets and glanced at the carvings of snakes on the four posters of the bed. Was Salazar Slytherin compensating for something? Or was a snake his first and only friend? I concentrated, feeling sleepy already. Guess we’ll never know. Hope the Harry Trotter series actually exists… at that point I passed out.
I woke up very early, feeling abnormally hot. I was also being tickled by … fur? What felt like arms were wrapped around me. I opened my eyes to find fully grown Apep and Alexis … cuddling with me. OK, not thinking about the implications of cuddling with my conscience… I thought. Freud would have a field day. I slowly tried to sit up. Without waking up they both yanked me back down. At least they didn’t snore. I wonder why I’m in the middle. Well, shoulder angel and devil, makes sense they’d be on either side of me. I teleported out from between them. Apep moved closer to Alexis and started to spoon with him. I got my phone and snapped a picture. I couldn’t help it; they were so cute! I didn’t see wolves cuddling every day. Besides, the picture would make excellent blackmail material. Welp. I’m already shipping those two in my head, even though I’m sure they’d hate the thought.
Not sure what to do, I wandered the halls, finding a door marked “Kitchen.” I opened it. Eh, a little too high-end for me, but this’ll work. I’ve got my dream house and no one to share it with, I sighed. I opened the fridge to find what was in it. I found bacon and eggs, and my eyes lit up, over the bacon, not the eggs. I started making enough for 3. About the time I was scrambling the eggs, I heard two people screaming in horror. I cackled deviously. When I dished the meal up, Apep and Alexis walked in. Apep was trying unsuccessfully to comb his fur with his fingers.
Sleep well? I asked, radiating innocence.
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Apep snapped.
I passed them their plates, and they began to wolf down their food, pun heavily intended. I opened the fridge again and saw something I missed.
Alexis hadn’t seen it, but as my conscience he could read my mind, and snapped, “You are not eating cake for breakfast!”
Is it all right if I have it for second breakfast? Alexis facepalmed but didn’t verbally reply. That’s not a “no.” I said smugly. When we were done, I said, Right. I’d better head back to Gallopfrey if I want to keep my job. When we were all done, I quickly washed the dishes, bid Chester Goodbye, locked the door behind me, and wound up back on Gallopfrey in the body I’d left in.
I walked back into the temple and asked, “It hasn’t been a thousand years, has it?”
Aleyebraxus looked at me in confusion. “It’s been one day. Why, what were you expecting?”
“Not important.”
“Right. Well, for missing work, you can scrub all the candlewax off the alters.”
“You told me to go!”
“Yes, but somebody’s got to do it.”
Aleyebraxus, don’t you dare-!
She smirked. “Your ‘god voice’ doesn’t scare me.”
I sighed. I’ll go get a bucket and some rags.
“Good foal.” I tried to subtly smite her, but only wound up with a spark of static electricity in her mane.
I was rather shocked when the Lord President walked into the temple, eyeing it skeptically. He had never struck me as a particularly religious stallion, and if he was it certainly wouldn’t be something as pedestrian as worshiping me. I was on “door duty” for what was entirely an accident. I never would have guessed that ink could stain that badly.
The Lord President was currently a tall, imposing green stallion in his physical and mental prime. His cutie mark was his seal, if that was telling enough. I got the feeling if he could have gotten away with it, he’d be sneering at me.
“Yes sir?”
“I wish to speak to the Architect.”
“Pardon?”
“I’m not repeating myself. Go pray or whatever you do to get his attention and come get me when he’s ready. I’ve got all day if that’s what it takes,” he said with a nasty grin.
I plastered on a smile I’ve been told is perfected after years of working in customer service and said. “Certainly sir, if you’ll just go into the main chamber? I’ll let him know to expect you.”
He nodded. When he got to the chamber his jaw dropped. I may have overdone it, but I wasn’t going to let him be condescending to the being he thought was his god.
I was currently a Draconequus, funnily enough. It seemed appropriate, given that I’d had six seconds to pick a form. Frankly I made Discord look tame.
My fur was white, I had six arms (the paws on the arms on the right were red), and I had 2 oryx antlers and a curved black horn like a Changeling’s. My eyes didn’t have pupils, irises, or sclera, they were just a section of night sky. Probably not the sky of this planet. I had a fang jutting out of either side of my mouth, and my lower half was a lion. Not just having a lion’s legs, it was actually a lion, like a centaur or a wemic. The halo radiating out from my face was overdoing it. I was also knitting 3 things at once because I was pissed at him, and it would keep me from strangling him.
Yes? I boomed. He threw himself on the ground. Oh, stop groveling! I can’t stand people groveling. If I wanted you to grovel, I’d tell you. He shakily straightened up. My eyes narrowed. What are you doing now?
“I – I’m averting my eyes, my lord.”
It took me a minute to remember that even as an acolyte, I was Lord Wanderer, so it was a less formal title than I’d thought it was. Well DON’T. I want to see your face when we talk, not the top of your head. That’s better. What may I do for you today, my Lord President?
“I have questions…”
I might not have answers but ask away.
“What is the purpose of the Time Lords?”
Firstly, to live your lives as you see fit. You’re people, not pieces in some cosmic chess game. I’m horrible at chess anyway, and I refuse to see people as pawns. There is a reason I created you though. You have the power to observe all of time and space, and if necessary, protect it. I can’t do that on my own. I can barely manage one planet.
The President stared at me in shock. “Aren’t you the being who created the universe?”
Eeyup.
“But you can’t actually manage it?!!!”
Nope, I muttered. I can’t be everywhere at once. My powers are a lot more limited than you’d think. Creation and reality warping do not Godhood make. If people insist on seeing me as a god, I’d rather be a good god than an Olympian or someone who pulls the wings off of flies –
“‘Olympian?’” the President said, trying out the unfamiliar word.
Not important. I sighed. Anyway, I created an entire universe, but even I don’t know everything that’s in it. I decided to surprise myself, and make something that you could explore. I’d like the Timelords to be its guardians, if you are willing. It’s a big responsibility, and not one I’d hand over to just anyone.
“If you want us to keep an eye on everything, we’ll need a way to see it.”
I grinned, showing off rows of sharp teeth. Tell me, have you ever heard of a T.A.R.D.I.S.?
I spent the next hour telling the President everything I knew about TARDISes, even sharing memories and drawing up rough schematics. I’m not an engineer and I only knew so much from the show, but I was able to help the President figure out the basics well enough that the Time Lords would have been able to grow TARDISes within a year. I felt proud of myself for contributing the idea.
As we were wrapping up, I said, My Lord? He nodded. You should treat those beneath you with more compassion, your people will need a great leader to guide them through this step in your history. Don’t look down on others, reach out to help them up. I need to go figure out how to safely build a black hole for this thing to work. My Lord Wanderer will keep me informed of your progress. Many moments to thee.
I disappeared in a flash of light, reappearing as Wanderer bent over my books in time to see the President walk back out into the main chambers. He walked out looking thoughtful. He spotted me and headed over.
“How did it go?”
“I asked you if I could talk to god, and less than a minute later, he showed up. Ever since you arrived, prayers have been answered, and we’re even more prosperous than ever. What are you? You don’t have a timeline. I checked. That’s impossible.”
I hadn’t wanted the Time Lords to spy on me, and I didn’t want my future spoiled. Should have figured that would apply to my aliases as well.
The President was glaring at me. “You are either a genuine prophet or an incredibly talented conpony. Which is it?”
“Would you believe me if I said it was a bit of both?” He seemed to take that as an answer.
He glanced at my hoof and raised a brow. He suddenly grabbed it and started rubbing at it with his fingers. When nothing happened, his eyes widened in horror and his face grew paler under his fur. “That’s not paint….”
I grinned at him like a cat looking at a king. He actually ran out of the room. Huh. It’s not like I said anything!
That last year on Gallopfrey influenced the rest of my life. TARDISes had been successfully grown, flown, and upgraded. The tried and true Type 40 was being drawn up already.
It was like an itch I couldn’t ignore, and it just grew and grew until it was an all-consuming urge. I couldn’t focus on my job, my hobbies, nothing. I fought it as best I could, I knew that it could cause more problems than I could think of, but ….
Finally, I just threw the pen down. “It’s one trip,” I muttered. “I’ll be careful. Besides, I’ll be right back.”
I crept down to where they stored the TARDISes, admiring the sliver cylinders. I picked one at random. The door wasn’t even locked! I walked in. The Console Room was set to “Basic,”’ but I wasn’t planning on staying long enough to redecorate.
I knew the basics well enough that I could fly a TARDIS, but if you want to get the best flight you can …
I looked around and cleared my throat. Can you hear me? To my surprise, the console chimed in response. I grinned. Awesome. I know you’ve got an index of all of space and time … I don’t want to mess with the past, anyway there’s not much past to mess with, but … I’m dying to see the future. Just to know what I can look forward to. Even if it’s a future, and not the future. I cleared my throat. Sorry, I’m rambling. I’d like to see …. Canterlot. Equestria, Equis …. Five years before Nightmare Moon’s return. Or wherever it is I need to go instead of where I want to go, I said with a grin. I understand that’s how it works sometimes.
A large switch on the console flipped itself and the TARDIS started up. There wasn’t the usual wheezing sound, but that’s because I hadn’t left the parking brake on. The room shuddered and swayed and suddenly stopped. I glanced at the door. We’re here? The TARDIS made the same “affirmative” chime. That was fast. The TARDIS seemed to radiate smugness. Yes, yes, you’re brilliant, I know! Thank you!
I stepped outside the door and glanced back. The door was hidden behind the flap of a purple tent with gold stars and a crescent moon on the top. Above the door were the words, “Madame Rosthberg, Fortunes Told.”
“A fortuneteller’s tent in the middle of the park,” I sighed. “Nice to know my way back is completely inconspicuous.” The TARDIS made a sound I’m pretty sure translated as laughter.
I stepped into the city, amazed at what I saw. Ponies of every shape, size, and color walked the streets, along with griffons, zebras, and even a minotaur. One of the guards tipped his hat at me and I waved back.
I stepped into the street and heard a horn blaring. I stepped back onto the sidewalk as a car raced past. I felt the bottom drop out of my world. “That’s a car,” I said, unsure if I’d seen correctly.
A ringing sound caught my attention, and I turned to watch a griffon speak into an earpiece. “Yes? What?! No, no, no! Don’t invest in them, they’ll be closed before the month’s out!” He continued his business rant as he walked past.
My jaw had dropped open. “That’s a griffon. On a cellphone. Via Bluetooth,” I said, feeling stupid.
I was so busy staring at the ways the city was different from what I’d seen in the show that I didn’t see the stallion until I’d crashed into him.
We were both knocked back onto our hindquarters, rubbing our heads. “I am so sorry! I wasn’t paying attention to …” My voice trailed off.
The stallion was staring at me in shock, and then in recognition. He was an earth pony, the same red as my hoof, with blue eyes and a brown mane. He was wearing a very familiar pair of glasses and had a set of potion flasks for a cutie mark. He grinned sheepishly. Well, this is hockward, he said in my voice.
That joke’s pretty untimely, I replied. I helped … me … up to his hooves. We circled each other.
“So that’s what my mane looks like from the back!” he said in amazement.
“You look like a teacher,” I said uncertainly.
“Spoilers,” he said with a grin.
I shook my head. “What are the odds I’d go time traveling and wind up crashing into myself?”
“You’d have to ask the TARDIS.”
“Mind if I ask what my current alias is?”
“Maroon Flask,” I replied. “It’s surprisingly workable as a pony name.”
I gestured at the city around us. “This is not what I was expecting! It’s … I don’t know…”
“Too modern?” future me said with a grin. “It was a surprise, but it’s not that bad in all honesty. Don’t try to change anything, I like things the way they are now. Just let things happen on their own. Anyway, we’ve reached the point in the conversation where I say you shouldn’t explore too much, so you should probably hop back into the TARDIS and head back. Interfering with the future, you know.”
“Of course I remember this conversation perfectly,” I said with an eye roll.
“Yeah, perfect memory isn’t as fun as it sounds. Best of luck. Be you in … oh, about five billion years. Have fun!”
“Couldn’t I just see a bit more?”
“NO. Trust me, it’s for the best.”
I sighed. “All right, all right. Try not to get hit by a car!”
“What’s it going to do, kill me?” he said with a grin.
I growled, “Still too soon.” I headed back to the TARDIS.
Nice to see I can still take a joke too far, I muttered as I headed in. Right, we’d better head ho-
The room shook again as the TARDIS took off again. At least let me finish the sentence!
When we landed the TARDIS shifted its internal gravity so that I would up falling out the door. What the-? HEY! Wooooaahhhh!!!
I landed facedown in snow. The door slammed shut behind me. I sat up, shivered, and saw that the Chameleon Circuit had turned the TARDIS exterior into a boulder that bore an uncanny resemblance to Tom. I tried to find the door but couldn’t. Open up! I only got silence.
Right, I take it there’s something here I’m supposed to see? A faint chime of “Yes.” Alrighty then.
I stepped out, shivered again, and conjured up a scarf. I was in a Time Lord body, and I liked it cold, but even I drew the line at “blizzard.”
I grumbled and tried and failed to see more than 3 feet in front of me. Point me, I snarled, casting a simple direction spell to see where I was supposed to go. A faint blue line appeared in front of me, stretching forward into the snow. I followed it, trying to keep my face from freezing.
I finally came to what looked like a city in a bubble. Oh, it’s the Crystal Empire. I hope they have hot chocolate. Bloody thing couldn’t have set me down inside the city?!
I was surprised to find the entry to the city wasn’t guarded. Huh. Guess they just let ponies walk in. Either that or I’ll be on the business end of several spears in a minute… I said wearily. I stepped through, the snow on my coat melting away instantly. I let out a blissful sigh at the sudden warmth. Only I could see it, but the “Point me” spell led further into the city and around a few side streets.
Not sure what to expect, I was surprised when it suddenly stopped. I was on a small hill overlooking a park. Well, “overlooking” wasn’t the right term, my view was blocked by bushes. “What I am supposed to see here?” I made sure my voice was normal.
I was startled by music, a synth song I hadn’t heard before. About a minute into the song, a voice said, “You still dance like the Prince!” before laughing hysterically.
“Oh yeah?” came the reply. “Let’s see you do better, your Highness.” After 30 seconds the second voice said, “Wow, I had no idea you could break dance. I’m impressed. Thanks. Would you excuse me?”
“What’s up?”
I know that voice, I thought, but why?
“An old friend of mine just dropped into town and I want to take him to lunch. I’ll be home in time for dinner.”
The voices parted ways. I parted the bushes to try and see who the amazing dancer was. All I got a glimpse of was a grey flank with a black tail. Darn it. I could have sworn I’d met that stallion somewhere. Probably saw him on the show. Maybe I should follow and-
I jumped as a voice said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, it would lead to all sorts of complications and possibly blow a hole in the universe. Time travel’s funny that way.”
I turned and saw Maroon Flask, grinning at me. “Hello gorgeous,” he said teasingly, “Listen, we’ve got to stop meeting like this!”
I tried to slow down my hearts. “I really don’t make any noise when I walk,” I muttered. I’d heard that my whole life, and it turned out to be true.
Maroon shrugged. “Sorry. Mind if we grab a burger? I seem to recall I hadn’t eaten that day…”
I nodded. He led me through the city to a diner that smelled amazing. Once we got to the counter, he quickly rattled off, “Two triple-bacon burgers and an order of garlic fries.”
We sat down in a booth and tore into our food. “Mmm, this is amazing!” I said around a mouthful of food.
“Yeah, ponies are surprisingly good at preparing meat in this universe. It’s not made from anything sapient,” Maroon said quickly. “You don’t have to worry about cupcakes made of pegasus, but pigs, chickens, and fish are all good sources of meat. Since they’re ponies it’s sustainably harvested and everything.”
“Who were you … who was I having a dance fight with?”
“Just someone I helped out,” Maroon said with a grin. “I refuse to spoil any more than that. We’re good friends, which will surprise me. Are you going to eat that?” I drew the plate back and hissed at him. “I just thought I should ask…”
As Maroon walked me back to the gate of the Empire he said, “So, not everything is the way that I expected it to turn out, but I give me my word that it turns out for the best. Oh. I need to learn to lie at some point. Just saying. Best of luck!”
I headed back to the TARDIS; pretty sure I’d left frozen chunks of my tail behind. Right, I growled, No more surprises. The TARDIS chimed in a way that seemed apologetic.
When the doors opened back up on Gallopfrey I was met by the President and three of the Citadel Guard, all of whom were glaring murderously at me. “Whoops.”
“YOU STOLE A TARDIS!!!” the President shouted, spit flying from his mouth.
“Borrowed, borrowed a TARDIS, which I immediately brought back! I didn’t change anything, I just watched!”
The President jabbed a hoof into my chest. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE KIND OF REPERCUSSIONS YOU COULD HAVE CAUSED?!!! YOU COULD HAVE ALTERED THE ENTIRE TIMESTREAM!!!” He sighed, somehow calming himself down instantly. “As soon as you left, I checked, and by some inane miracle, you didn’t alter the future.”
“Inane miracles are sort of what I do,” I said apologetically.
“Silence,” he hissed. I quickly shut up. “I will be reporting your activities to the Council, to the Oracle, and to the Guard. You will not be allowed within 40 feet of a TARDIS until I deem it safe for you to travel. But before anyone else chews you out…” he passed me a scroll and pen. “I want a detailed report of everything you saw. Congratulations, you’re the first of us to travel so far into the future. Keep in mind that doesn’t mean you’re in any less trouble… I’ll. Be. Watching.”
I nodded, took the pen, and headed to the temple to begin my homework. I sighed. “Well, I’m grounded for the next year. Totally worth it,” I said with a happy grin.