So maybe God hadn’t forsaken her after all, Starlight thought as she climbed a flight of stairs inside an all-too-familiar office building. Just a week ago, her therapist texted her that she's back from her leave, and asked if she still wanted to continue their sessions after her sabbatical. Starlight replied a few seconds later with a desperate yes. She needed all the help she could get.
Miss Luna is a wonderful person. When her marriage was nearing its end, Sunset Shimmer referred her to Luna, who happened to be a good friend of the former. There's something about Luna that Starlight found comforting, like her calm persona, her kind smiles, and her gentle prodding each time she spaced out or got too chatty during counseling. Part of the reason why she hadn’t gone completely insane in life was because of their counseling sessions, and the fact that she felt safe around Luna.
Starlight knocked before turning the knob and opening the door slowly. Her eyes roamed to check if her counselor was doing anything and found her unoccupied. She saw her smiling, sitting on her usual seat behind her big desk, and beckoning her to sit on the couch like always. She opened the door completely and greeted Luna curtly before settling on her usual spot. Luna rolled her office chair in front of her and sat down.
"It's been a while, Miss Glimmer. How are you faring?"
Starlight leaned comfortably on the couch and sighed contentedly. She flashed a lopsided grin before replying. "Well, a lot better than the first few months of my divorce. Oh, and my ex is back."
Luna usually wore a neutral expression for the whole hour, but this time, her brows furrow and her lips pursed a little at the word, 'ex.' "Go on."
Starlight's hands found her face as she cupped her cheeks and shook her head. "I thought I was doing alright since it's been two solid years since we've seen or talked to each other. Luster doesn't cry as much anymore, and I've been sleeping pretty easily for the past few months, but when I saw him a few days ago," she paused, willing her eyes not to water, and her voice not to falter. She sighed and looked at her counselor in the eye. "Miss Luna, it seems like the wound opened again."
The woman doesn't say anything. She only nods once, and from the subtleties of their sessions, Starlight knew it was her cue to keep talking.
"I thought that everything would be fine if I just gave myself time, but it seems like I'm still very much affected by our divorce. And this sounds so terrible and crazy and silly and so not me, but he was my first love. My first love. I never thought about marriage or love or anything of that sort until Sunburst, but we're not together anymore, and the worst part is, I'm hurting again because I'm the one who was so strong about breaking up, thinking it was for the best, some shit like that," she groaned as she rested her forehead on her palm. "I hate myself even more this time!"
She felt a hand on her left knee. "You're being irrational again, Miss Glimmer."
And just like that, she calmed down, her breathing evens, and her chest feels light. Starlight breathed in deeply and slowly released her breath, allowing all of her body to relax, just like how she was told to do when engulfed by intense feelings. She was honestly amazed that she didn’t have hypertension, given the number of times she easily gets worked up over every little thing, especially since the divorce.
Starlight closed and opened her palms slowly and repeatedly to make sure that she was finally calm and relaxed before proceeding. "Sometimes I wonder if I just gave up too easily when I told him that I was filing for a divorce. But then sometimes I'm convinced that what we decided was for the best. Even so, I still find myself revisiting the moment we both raised the white flag and I ponder the many ways I could've saved our marriage."
"But didn't he agree to go through with the divorce?"
Starlight nodded. "I do feel that he should have insisted to not go through with it, though. I still remember how he almost looked lost when I insisted it was for the best since we were arguing and disagreeing more than usual when I told him we should stop before it could get worse." She snickered humorlessly. "The main reason I was so stubborn about going through with it was that I couldn't stand that kind of life regularly. God knows what could've happened if we’d stayed together."
Starlight covered her face with her hands again, something she did when she's on the verge of anger or tears (as pointed out by her counselor). "But here I am, a mess after seeing Sunburst unexpectedly. And I was convinced I was okay."
Luna nodded slowly in understanding. “Recovery is a long and arduous process, don’t beat yourself up just because you still have lingering feelings for him. Though I do have to ask, is there more to it than your previous relationship with him that’s making you act this way? Usually, time and distance can help a lot when it comes to moving on.”
'It’s because I still care about him,' is what she wanted to say, but her words are lodged in her throat. Somehow, she couldn’t bring herself to admit it, because it would mean that she was acknowledging how wrong her judgment had been, and despite everything she’d been through, Starlight was still very much a prideful woman, and she would rather eat nails than be proven wrong. Besides, she felt pathetic for being so shaken by a person who seemed to be doing just fine without his family. Without her. She was pathetic.
So, she settled for a lame: "I don't know. I guess I didn't realize how much I was still hurting because I've been so busy with work and stuff," instead.
Her counselor's face is expressionless once more, but there's a ghost of a knowing smile on her lips. "We'll talk more about this when you're ready."
It's already dark when her session is over, and she walked out with her chest feeling a little lighter and her head a little clearer. She learned that there are things that she still found awkward to talk about (like her feelings, for one), but Miss Luna was patient with her despite her stubbornness. Anyone else would’ve given up on her by now, but not her counselor. And Starlight's sure that it's not because she was paid to listen and to be patient, but because Luna cared for her well-being.
She mentally counted the number of people with whom she could share intimate details about her life and found only a handful. There's Sunset Shimmer (who ironically was a friend of Sunburst's before becoming her friend), the cafeteria lady at the university who reserved a meal for her each day (Mrs. Cake also had children, so Starlight would often ask her for advice when it came to raising Luster), Shining Armor (who happened to be Sunburst's best man during their wedding), and Sunburst…if she could still count him as a friend. Though Celestia Prince and Star Swirl do check on her now and then, the fact that they're her bosses (department chair and secretary, respectively) makes her uncomfortable sharing all her woes and every tiny morbid detail of her sad life. That's just too friendly for a boss-subordinate type of association.
She sighed and then laughed at how terrible her social situation was. She realized that she didn’t make as many friends as Sunburst did—and to think that she was the most approachable and outgoing one between them—because she's too professional, too ambitious, too career-oriented. In summary, she was just too much, and it didn’t make her feel better.
Oh, this never-ending cycle of self-loving and self-loathing was wearing her out.
Starlight entered an empty chapel that her feet led her into while pondering and sat on the pew that's nearest to the exit. For some reason, it became a habit of hers to go to this particular chapel during ugly days just like this one, which was strange since she wasn’t very religious, to begin with. It wasn’t even a question of whether she believed in God or gods or none at all, but it was more like she hadn’t been practicing faith at all. This ritual began ever since Sunset Shimmer invited her to join this bible study thing that she went to every Wednesday night (she knew because she made it a point not to ask Sunset Shimmer to babysit Luster on Wednesday nights). Somehow, she got roped in without much resistance on her end, and now she's here.
"I hope you don't think I'm too much for you, too," she said to no person in particular. She's gotten used to saying her prayers aloud somehow, but she mostly only did this when she was by herself. "I’d be really sad if that were the case, but if it is, I guess I can't blame you. I mean, I'm alone…and lonely because I can't just settle for something good. I…refuse to meet anybody in the middle, I care so much about my goals that I'm hurting those closest to me in the process, and now it's come to this." She paused to control the rising misery in her heart before continuing. "Please tell me you don't hate me, God." She whispered; desperation laced in her tone. "I'm already so, so lonely."
She made sure she looked presentable before stepping out of the chapel. After all, teachers and professors are expected to look their best, no matter how dire the circumstances were. With one last look into her pocket mirror—and making sure that her face was dry—Starlight marched out of the chapel's washroom wearing her best-rehearsed look of professionalism (eyes to the front, back straight, long, confident strides, and chin up).
Only to bump into someone's chest the moment she exited the chapel. Classic Starlight.
"I'm so sorry!" she quickly apologized as she steps back. "My head was som—"
She stopped because right in front of her stood Sunburst, wearing just a pair of black shorts and a white shirt, which was somewhat see-through with the sweat he collected. When they first meet, he had been thin but had little to no muscles to speak of, something that made him very insecure, she remembered encouraging him to take on jogging when they started dating, and she would jog with him to keep him motivated.
Now, standing under the twilight and the streetlight, she saw that he’d kept up with his exercise, and probably added something more to his routine, judging by the slight muscles on his arms.
'I thought I begged you not to hate me, God.' She whined mentally. 'What's this about?'
"Oh, I, uh, it's okay? You've always been like that anyway." Sunburst dismissed with a shrug. "So, you go to church now?"
Starlight's eyes followed where his finger was pointing and nodded. "Sunset Shimmer invited me."
He smirked. "You were not religious when I met you."
She frowned. "You weren’t a champion in religion when I met you," she retorted, but her voice lacked venom. "Besides, I wasn't practicing then, but I did grow up in a religious family."
Silence followed them as always, the kind that made one wish for the ground to swallow them or for something majestic and out-of-the-ordinary to take place, anything to break the awkward pause. She knew that Sunburst was staring at her, and she kept herself from meeting his eyes, out of fear of anything she might find (or might not find). His gaze was heavy, as it's always been, whether he was looking out for her, wanted her, or was mad at her. Right then, it's a different kind of weight that his stare carried, and Starlight realized that there are still some things that she didn’t know about Sunburst, like what exactly was he thinking and why was he looking at her like that.
"I…I have to go now." She told him and motioned for him to step aside so she could pass.
But he doesn't move, instead, he reached for her arm and held it (gently, like she liked it). "Do you have to go now?"
"Yes. Luster's waiting for me. And I have to cook our dinner." She replied with firmness and finality.
She watched as his face fell (just like the last time they saw each other and were alone), a frown marring his handsome face. "Okay then. But…can I walk you home?"
Walk her home? They're supposed to be divorced, not friendly! Starlight gingerly removed his hand from her arm and sighed. "No need for that. I'm going. Bye, Sunburst."
"Wait—"
But she's already a few steps away, thanks to her long strides. Starlight doesn't even spare him a look as she continued to cross the road.