Cell suddenly bolted upright, with a confused look on his face. “What the Hell? What’s going on? Where am I?” Cell exclaimed. Looking around at his surroundings, he was not currently standing in the centre of the Cell Games arena, but rather sitting in a green grassland, with several large trees and small hills around him.
The last thing he remembered was talking to the pink pegasus filly, named Cozy Glow, listening to her tell him about her and her life, learning more about her since she was apparently stuck here with him now after being teleported alongside him, and he appreciated the company of someone who wasn’t trying to kill him, and it at least gave him something to do while waiting for the Cell Games to begin. Then suddenly everything went black and now he’s here.
Picking himself up, he took in a breath to steady his thoughts. “Well, I guess I should be heading back to the arena as fast as possible; Cozy’s all alone, and if the stories that she’s told me about herself are true then if I leave her alone for five minutes she’ll probably start up a cult or something.”
He then released a sigh in frustration as he turned and began walking forward. “I can’t believe I get a child for less than a day and I’ve already abandoned them. Is being a bad father just in the Saiyan DNA or what? Oh, well. I guess I better just get head back to...” He suddenly stopped when he took a few steps and already saw his arena just up ahead. “Wait, what? That’s definitely my ring, but this definitely isn’t where I built it. Something is going on here, and I intend to find out what.” He then made his way over to the arena in an angry huff.
As he entered the side of the ring, which was where his early challengers would normally enter the arena from, his eyes suddenly widened when he saw the two figures that were currently standing in the centre of the ring, where he normally stood. One was a perfect copy of himself in every way, and they were speaking to some sort of creature, which if he squinted kind of looked like an anthropomorphic frog, but only in the loosest definition of the word.
“What. The. Fuck.” Cell exclaimed in confusion.
The other Cell turned towards him when he spoke up. “Oh, son of a bitch. Here we go again!” This other Cell exclaimed in annoyance. He did kind of sound like Cell, but more like someone trying to do an impression of him.
“What the Hell? Is that another you?” The frog wondered, directed at the other Cell.
“Well, I guess I should have seen this coming?” Other Cell said. “I’ve already fought against an Imperfect me and a Semi-Perfect me; I suppose it was only a matter of time before another Perfect me showed up.”
“How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man?!” The frog shouted at Cell.
Cell was still very confused. “Wait, what the Hell is going on here?” He looked at the other Cell. “Who are you and why do you look like me? And why are you not even the slightest bit confused at the fact that there are two of us?” He then turned towards the frog. “And who and what are you supposed to be? I know that there are animal people in this world, but they still don’t look anything like you.”
The frog simply stared back at Cell for a moment with a blank expression on his face before turning back towards Other Cell again. “Cell, something’s wrong; it’s been five seconds and he hasn’t made a pop-culture reference or quoted a dead meme.”
“You’re right, Kermit,” Other Cell agreed. “Something is very wrong here.”
Suddenly, a new figured appeared in the ring from out of nowhere. They were an effeminate-looking alien, with green skin and darker green hair, tied back in a ponytail. He wore white and red armour, as well as a scouter over his right eye. “Oh my. Two Cells? It must be my birthday.” He spoke in a creepy tone.
“What are you doing here now, Zarbon?” Other Cell wondered aloud.
“Wait, Zarbon?” Cell spoke up. “That name sounds familiar somehow but I’m not exactly sure why it sounds familiar.”
“I’m not exactly sure how you can not know who Zarbon is by now, but if it helps, he’s one of Frieza’s henchman,” Other Cell clarified.
“Yes, that’s right; though I must say, even Lord Frieza didn’t look as tight as you, Cell, and seeing two of you right now just ohhhhhhhhhh!” Zarbon moaned loudly.
Cell was now feeling very uncomfortable, in a way that he had never been made to feel before. “You know what? I have had a lot of weird experiences in these last couple of days, but this right here is just a bit too weird even for me. I’ve had enough of this.” Cell then extended his arm towards Zarbon and fired a Ki blast at him to vaporise him.
However, a moment later, the dust cleared and Zarbon was still standing there, completely unharmed. “Oh my, Cell, you certainly do like if rough, don’t you? Shooting your load all over my face like that.”
“Wait, what?!” Cell exclaimed in disbelief. “How the Hell are you still alive?! That other me said you were one of Frieza’s minions, and I am literally hundreds of times stronger than Frieza!”
“Oh, Cell,” Zarbon began, shaking his head coyly. “This is the Devil Artemis universe; power levels don’t work here,” he explained. He then looked back at him, now with a much more sinister expression on his face. “But do you know what does work?”
Cell suddenly had a bad feeling about this. “Err... what?”
“My dick. Ohhhhhhh!” Zarbon moaned again, even louder than the last time. Zarbon then pounced on Cell.
“What are you doing? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. No, nononononono. What’s going on? Why can I not stop you from doing this? How is this physically happening right now? I don’t even have a... Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
As all of this was going on, Other Cell just stood there watching, with an uneasy expression on his face. “You know, Kermit; watching yourself getting raped from the outside really helps put something that you often joke about in a whole different perspective, and really makes you reconsider how you... Oh my God, Kermit, are you jacking off right now?!”
“Don’t kink shame me!”
---
Discord reclined in his chair as he observed the events going on in the Cell Games arena through a portal, with a shit-eating grin on his face.
“Oh, Cell; I knew that with how powerful you were and with your universe already having a set conclusion that I wouldn’t be able to actually defeat you, so I simply transported you temporarily to another universe, where all of your power means nothing, and then I could just sit back and watch you suffer. This is for Twilight.”
As Discord was talking to himself, his eyes suddenly started drifting to the side and then they popped open in realisation. “Oh, that’s right, the fourth wall,” he began as he turned fully to address the readers.
“If you liked this particular chapter or just the Cell vs. premise in general, then make sure to head on over to YouTube and check out the DevilArtemis channel. He makes a bunch of videos like this, with Cell facing off against loads of different video game and anime characters, with loads of crazy shit, and absolutely no filters. There’s even lore, recurring jokes, and best of all, he updates on a regular basis, with multiple new videos a week, unlike the author of this story and his update schedule or lack thereof.
“Oh, and don’t worry; there’s still more chapters of this story to come, despite the Completed status in the story description. The author just doesn’t want to bother changing it now out of a misplaced sense of consistency, and worrying that it might slow down his already pathetic update schedule, if it can even be called that.”
Discord’s limbs suddenly turned into poisonous cobras that simultaneously bit him, causing him extreme pain.
“...well this doesn’t seem right.”
Then his head fell off, into a large paper shredder that so happened to be beneath him, spraying blood everywhere as he was very slowly pushed through it, making the whole process more painful and drawn out.
“Oh, so that’s how you want to play it, eh, author? Well try this.”
As Discord’s head was slowly being pushed through the shredder, his tooth suddenly transformed into a new hand which he used to snap his fingers, causing what was left of his head to suddenly explode, and his two eyes and mouth being all that was left to land on the ground.
“...the next chapter is Cell vs. Juniper Montage.”
Discord exploded twice.
Now only his mouth was left.
“I can’t believe this. I’m the most powerful being in my reality, yet here I am at the mercy of a pasty, ordinary human, who spends his time making a parody series on his computer.”
“Tell me about it,” Shallot responded from next to him, with a bear trap clamped tight around his dick.