To Earn One’s Wings
Chapter 14: The Author of Life
Thunderbolt’s thoughts were bouncing around in his head. A part of him thought that he was dead. You don’t ‘meet your maker’ unless you were dead, right? A part of him objected. The skeletal pony in front of him, supposedly an angel of death, had assured him that he still had some time left before his death. Additionally, the Seraph had said that he would be returning his spirit to his own body after the meeting.
Right, the meeting. The meeting with his Maker, or at least that’s what Thanatos claimed. Assuming they weren’t lying, why would He want to see him? Why now? They weren’t exactly talking to each other. At least not since… It’s been a while.
Someone cleared their throat. Thunderbolt turned his head toward the sound. Gabriel stood a short distance away. He was tapping his hoof impatiently. Thunderbolt shook his head in annoyance and trotted in the Seraph’s direction.
“What’s this meeting about?” he asked when he caught up to Gabriel.
“I don’t know,” the Seraph answered. His voice didn’t betray any emotion. He didn’t even turn to look at Thunderbolt as he walked. “It’s not for me to know.” Thunderbolt snorted and resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
‘Of course not. You guys don’t question ‘Providence’ or whatever, right?’ A part of him chided himself for the sarcastic remark. He shook his head and blew out a long, weary sigh.
Gabriel glanced down. “Are you worried?” His voice took on a reassuring tone. “Do not be. If He were angry at you, He would not have sent for you.”
“I just prefer to know what to expect.”
“If only life were so convenient, mortal,” Gabriel laughed. The sound was soothing, like that of ringing bells. He leaned in conspiratorially. “Even we angels do not know what the future holds. That said,” his voice took on a serious tone. “We do not have knowledge of the inner workings of another creature’s mind either. I have some questions for you.”
Thunderbolt snorted. ‘Round one of the interrogation,’ he thought. “Fine. Ask away.”
“What were you doing in the spirit realm?”
‘Ah, the obvious first question.’ “Trying to get out, mostly.”
Gabriel raised an eyebrow. “So you aren’t here by choice?”
Thunderbolt’s face contorted into a look of confusion. “No. Why the fuck would I want to be here? I have a job to do and I can’t bloody well do it stuck in here, can I?”
Gabriel shrugged. “You’d be surprised. Mortals have attempted to enter the spirit realm for many reasons. Some seek a lost loved one. Others seek knowledge of what lies beyond the veil of death.” He clicked his tongue. “The most troublesome mortals, however, are those who seek out spirits and demons for unholy power.”
“What do you do with them?”
“God has a standing policy to not directly interfere with them once they have made their contract. They have made their choice. He does not abandon them completely, but we Seraphs are to keep our distance from them.”
“How do you know that I’m not one of them?”
“You’re not angry enough. Those who seek out demons are angered by my interference,” Gabriel winked at Thunderbolt. “Especially when they had almost sealed the deal. Thus it is my personal policy to leave them to their fate.”
“Huh… I see,” Thunderbolt muttered under his breath. “Anything else?”
“Just one. What was your plan? You claim to have been looking for a way out and yet I found you on the verge of accepting a demon’s bargain. Why?”
Thunderbolt snorted. “I wanted to get back to my body. I saw an opportunity. I thought that I could deal with the contract later.”
Gabrial laughed again. “Good luck with that. No matter how much power a demon’s contract provides a mortal, he is always weaker than the demon he made it with. You would have to be very cunning.” He tapped his chest. “Or have some help, to break it.”
“I assume that fighting is out of the question then?” Thunderbolt said with a sly smile.
Gabriel chuckled. “You wouldn’t last a second. Now,” He stopped and gestured to a door. “Are you ready?”
Thunderbolt scrutinized the door. It was standing free from any walls in the middle of the white space. He extended his neck to look around it. The white space stretched out behind. The door itself was made of simple, unadorned wood. He suspected that it hadn’t even received a coat of varnish. The gold plating on the handle was flaking. All in all, the door seemed rather ordinary. Yet, something about that ordinary door set Thunderbolt on edge. A pit formed in his stomach. His throat dried out.
‘I don’t want to go.’ The thought rushed up from the depths of his mind like a rocket. He clenched his teeth.
“I admit, I expected something more… grandiose,” he said in an attempt to suppress his own discomfort.
Gabriel smiled softly. “‘Charm is deceiving and beauty is fleeting.’ Many would open an opulent door, it catches the eye quite readily, but only those who seek Him earnestly will be willing to look behind a door like this.”
Thunderbolt sighed. “I don’t have a choice, do I?” Gabriel shook his head. “Thought not.” He placed his hoof on the door handle and glanced at Gabriel, who was still softly smiling. “Well, see you on the other side, then.” He turned the handle, opened the door, and stepped through.
On the other side of the door, Thunderbolt found himself in a small kitchen. The walls were painted a soothing pink sandstone colour. A set of marble counters lined the left wall. Above them, a large window provided a view of a rolling green meadow. An old-fashioned woodstove[1] was nestled into the far right corner. A small rosewood table stood in the centre of the room. On the opposite side, an alicorn lounged in a chair with a steaming cup rested at his elbow. Tea, Thunderbolt assumed.
If the alicorn noticed Thunderbolt’s presence, he did not react. Part of him appreciated the lack of attention. A strange feeling of guilt had settled in his stomach, like the time his mother had caught him barrel deep in the cookie jar. Yet an equally strange feeling of relief and joy radiated from his heart. It felt like he had finally arrived home after a long and exhausting trip. The conflicting feelings gave him a headache.
Thunderbolt shook his head as if it would eject the feelings from his body. It didn’t, but it did help him focus enough to glare at the pony across the table. The alicorn had a coffee brown coat and a dark brown, almost black mane, which hung loosely past his shoulders. As Thunderbolt watched he picked up his cup to take another sip. Halfway to his mouth, it stopped.
“Take a seat, little pony,” the alicorn said, his voice deep and soothing and familiar. Thunderbolt bit his lip as he tried to place it. “You’re only wasting your own time by standing there.”
Thunderbolt started at the alicorn.
“You’re the voice from before… the one from the Cathedral. A-a-and from the castle.”
The Alicorn smiled sagely. “So I am. Take a seat. We have much to discuss.”
Thunderbolt pulled a seat from under the table, scraping its legs on the tiles as he did so.
“Why did you help me?”
“Does a father need a reason to help his children?”
Thunderbolt clenched his teeth. “You’re not my father.”
“You’re missing my point, pony. I don’t need a reason to help you. Regardless, that is not what I wish to discuss.”
“Fine. Let’s stop wasting our time.” A hint of steel crept into his voice. “What is it you want to talk to me about?”
The alicorn looked up from his papers. His eyes were bright gold and as friendly as the smile on his face. Thunderbolt thought that he looked like he was meeting an old friend for the first time in a long time.
“Forgiveness,” the alicorn answered. Thunderbolt raised an eyebrow.
“Forgiveness?”
“Yes, forgiveness.” The alicorn took a sip from his cup. “The act of giving up one’s claim to retribution and the resentment that comes with it.”
“I am familiar with the concept,” Thunderbolt said through grit teeth. He couldn’t keep an annoyed tone out of his voice. He was eager to get back to his body. It didn’t help that the guilty feeling in his gut was still fighting with the peaceful feeling his heart was trying to spread to the rest of his body. Consequently, he still had a headache. Another reason to get through this conversation as quickly as possible. “Why do you want to talk about it?”
“Because it will form an essential part of your journey.”
Thunderbolt raised an eyebrow. “Explain.”
“If you continue to tread the path before you, you will be confronted by your past. I urge you to make peace with it. If you do not, you will be crushed by the weight of your own guilt or consumed by anger over what has been done to you.”
“How do you propose I do that?”
“You will need to put your past behind you…”
‘What do you think I’ve been doing for the past two years?’ Thunderbolt snorted internally.
“And to do that,” the alicorn continued. “You will need to learn to forgive. Only then will you be able to free yourself of your past.”
Thunderbolt grew silent. Forgiving usually meant forgiving someone else. Moreover, forgiving usually meant that the pony being forgiven had done something wrong. Thunderbolt bit his lip. There were few candidates eligible for forgiveness in his mind and of those, only one stood out. Thunderbolt felt rage boil up inside him.
“THE BASTARD DOESN’T DESERVE IT!” he cried as he slammed his hooves onto the table. The cup at the alicorn’s elbow tipped over, spilling the brown liquid inside across the table.
The alicorn frowned at Thunderbolt. His facial features hardened. Before his face was like that of a close friend or a brother, soft and welcoming. Now it was as stern as a judge about to pass judgement. Silently he straightened in his seat. He was now a head taller than Thunderbolt. The alicorn placed his hooves on the table and slowly lifted himself out of his seat, his wings spread wide. Through all of this, the alicorn never broke eye contact. An angry fire had been lit behind his golden eyes. When he spoke, it was no louder than a whisper, but it chilled Thunderbolt to the bone.
“And what makes you think that you do?”
Thunderbolt opened his mouth to protest but the alicorn cut him off. The joy from his heart evaporated, replaced by guilt.
“It is true that Golden Dawn is guilty of far more severe sins by any mortal standards and that he has caused far more tragedies in his life than you have, but I do not judge by mortal standards, nor do I compare the sins of one mortal to another. No, I judge you by your own merits and just like him, you have fallen short. You have broken the moral law and thus stand condemned.” The alicorn’s face softened and he slumped back into his chair. “But I did not call you here to talk to you of condemnation.”
“You wanted to talk about forgiveness.” Thunderbolt didn’t bother hiding the sarcastic tone in his voice. “Look, I don’t see how it will help me finish my job. I can’t just forgive The Sage. He must pay for the things he has done, for the lives he has ruined.”
“And he will be,” the alicorn assured him. “If not by Celestia while he is alive, then by me once his mortal life has ended.” He took a sip of his tea. “However, I must ask you, how will not forgiving Golden Dawn assist you in your task of capturing him?” Thunderbolt looked away, unable to answer him. “But I do not require that you forgive him today, Mr Stormbringer. Rather, I require you to forgive...” the alicorn paused, a sly smile on his lips. “Yourself.”
Thunderbolt raised an incredulous eyebrow. “Myself? Why? Aren’t I just as guilty as The Sage in your eyes?”
The alicorn nodded sagely. “You are, but unlike him, you have accepted my offer of absolution. I no longer need to hold your sins against you for I have already paid for them in your stead. If you do not forgive yourself, you are trying to pay a debt that has already been paid.”
Thunderbolt sighed. “Look, this is nice and all, but how is me forgiving myself going to help me capture the Sage?”
“The spectre of your past stalks you, Thunderbolt. It is relentless. If you do not make peace with it, your past will mean the death of you, your companions and even Equestria itself.”
Thunderbolt cocked his head in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“You do not have the time for me to simplify it any further.” The alicorn pointed to the door Thunderbolt came from. It swung open and a bright light spilled through. “Now go. Conflict approaches and your companions will require your aid if they are to survive this night.’
Thunderbolt stared at the alicorn in disbelief. He opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it. Instead, he looked out of the kitchen window. A breeze made the meadow beyond dance. After a moment, Thunderbolt snorted, seemingly having made up his mind about something. He turned around and glared at the alicorn.
“So that’s it,” he started, his voice tinged with barely suppressed anger. “You just give me a bullshit speech about and expect me to go back into the meat grinder with nothing more than a pat on the head?”
The alicorn looked at Thunderbolt, his face a mask of serenity. Then he sighed.
“Whether you want to or not, you have been placed on a path that will bring you face to face with your past. That conflict is unavoidable. However.” A reassuring smile played on the alicorn’s lips. “There is a role for you to play here, and if you play it well many lives can be spared and many souls can be saved.”
Thunderbolt rolled his eyes. “I didn’t realize that I had a role to play. Sorry for not jumping with joy. Why me? What’s so special about me that this is my role to play? Surely there are ponies better suited for this.”
“They have their own roles to play and they are far better suited for them than they are for yours.”
Thunderbolt rolled his eyes. “Lovely.” Sarcasm oozed from his voice. “I’ll be sure to get right on that then.”
The alicorn chuckled. “Take heart, Thunderbolt. I will not burden you with a weight you cannot carry. However, this is not a weight that you need to carry alone. Should you feel the strain, you have loyal companions to help ease your burden.”
‘Right,’ Thunderbolt thought with a roll of his eyes. ‘I’m sure that Scales is willing to help ease my burden. Maybe he’d like a cup of tea too? And maybe Rosie could take some of that weight too. It’s not like she has been thrown into this meat grinder without any preparation.’ He signed. ‘I suppose that he is right that I have to do this. It’s no use cursing the way things are.’ With that thought, he turned to the open door.
“Any other sage advice before I leave?” he asked over his shoulder. The alicorn seemed to think for a moment, his hoof on his chin.
“You would do well to remember that old enemies can become new allies. In a similar vein, you should remember that forgiveness must precede redemption.”
Thunderbolt raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”
The alicorn smiled knowingly. “I’m afraid that you must wrestle with these ideas on your own. It will hold no value if I simply explained them to you.”
Thunderbolt rolled his eyes and walked through the door with an annoyed expression on his face. The alicorn looked at him leaving with sadness in his eyes.