//------------------------------//
// Chapter 1: Ain’t No Parks Here 
// Story: The Storm on Ponyville 
// by DatZigga 
//------------------------------//

“Knocking. There’s always gotta be someone knocking.” Anon grumbled. 

Once again our ornery human, Anonymous, was hounded by the incessant knocking of ponies at the door. However, this time the knocking was louder than it's ever been, like someone was damn near bludgeoning the door. Anon’s money was on the pink horse that laughed too much. That pony wasn’t right. 

“Just shut the fuck up!” Anon yelled at the door, briefly emerging from his pillow helm that ineffectively blocked the noise. When the knocking continued despite this, Anon let out an audible groan and stood up from the couch. Instead of heading to the door, he walked into the tiny kitchen and fixed a hot cup of coffee. After seeing that Starlight pony drinking, Anon figured he’d give it a shot. He was never a coffee person, but he preferred it over tea. If he was going to answer the door, it’d be on his own terms. 

“Look, I told you horses again and again, I don’t give a damn about any of your parties, activities, or whatever the hell.” Anon yelled beyond the door, hoping they heard him. Anon wasn’t in the best of moods as one could likely tell. “I just want to chill inside until either you find me a way home or I keel over. Do you hear me?” Evidently they did not, as the door was still rattling on its hinges under the weight of the damned knocking. Anon felt his blood boiling under his skin. Any other dimension, any other world, he would have been left well alone, this Anon was sure of. Yet, here he was, amongst the most disgustingly sympathetic and overbearing aliens he’d ever seen. Anon couldn’t have imagined hating such a world but here he was, at his absolute limit. Anon grabbed the door and violently.

“What the hell do you-“ Anon began to scream, only to find his head full of fur. Anon’s mouth hung open in confusion, before looking up slightly. Staring back at him, a whole head taller than him, was a creature of unknown origin. It’s body was hunched over and the creature had large, bulky arms. The creature wore dark armor with an ominous blue glow. It’s fur was a dark grey with a white mane. Anon peered around the creature to find another, identical creature just behind them. Both carried spears and shields. Anon stood there, processing the two...whatever they were before him. He stood in stun silence, the coffee’s steam rising from his mug.

“So,” Anon broke the silence. He took a sip from his mug. “I take it you gentlemen aren’t ponies.” The monster responded in what could best be described as grumbles and barks, with the occasional roar. One way to imagine it is like a combine soldier only completely unintelligible. Anon nodded in faux understanding.

“Uh, I’m sorry, my guy. Could you run that by me again?” Anon asked sincerely. The monster spoke again, only much more aggressively and his buddy joined them in the shouting. They slammed their spears in the ground to emphasize their point. Anon nodded once again. “That’s what I thought you said. Now let me offer this as a rebuttal.” 

Anon threw the mug of got coffee, still steaming into the helm of one of the creatures, causing it to scream in agony. Anon slammed the door shut and locked it as quick as he could. Anon backed away from the door.

“Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!” Anon repeated this mantra to himself as he searched the home for anything to defend himself. The search was cut short when the door was blown off its hinges by a couple of angry bois. The one that was drenched in hot coffee still stumbled a bit, but the other let out a might roar and tossed the spear like a javelin. Anon was lucky enough to have been in the midst of tripping, as the spear embedded itself on the wall where his head just was, “OH SHIT! THEY'RE ACTUALLY TRYING TO KILL ME?!” 

Anon scrambled across the floor, making a beeline to the kitchen. The creature was on his tail. Furniture was overturned in its path of destruction. Anon pulled out a drawer. Nothing inside. Anon pulled out another drawer. Nothing inside. The creature was now covering the only exit. Anon pulled the drawer clean out of the cabinet and threw it at the creature’s head. It whiffed. 

“Fuck me!” Anon yelled out as the creature charged. Anon quickly noticed a gap in the creature’s legs. He duck’s underneath the monster, allowing it to slam into the opposite wall. Anon quickly stood, only to be grabbed from behind by the second beast, arm wrapped around his neck. Anon kicked and flailed, to no avail. Pure instinct taking over, he bites the creature's arm. Though he didn’t draw blood, the creature wailed in pain and dropped a coughing and shaken Anon. He quickly turned on his knees, finding himself at eye level to the monster’s waist. 

“Hope the rules still apply.” Anon mutters, swinging his arm back. Then, in a fierce uppercut, brought his fist in contact in what he assumed was the monster’s no-no zone. Judging by the sudden silence and collapse to its knees, Anon guessed right. He kicked the monster over and continued searching the house for a makeshift weapon. Anything he couldn’t use, he threw at the invaders to keep them at bay. Sadly, he could keep them back so far, as one managed to get close. The monster roared, rearing its arm back. Anon brought up his arms in defense and was smacked smooth across the living room, through the wall, and into the bedroom closet. Anon yelled out in pain, feeling old wounds begin to tear. Then, something clocked Anon on the head. It wasn’t a fist, rather it felt wooden. Anon opened his eyes, which only widened when he saw what quite literally fell in his lap. Anon smiled.

“I don’t know how, but I sure as fuck don’t care!”







The storm creatures took the brief reprieve to catch their breaths. As far as they knew, this old hut was the home of just another pony. The town was called Ponyville, for crying out loud! So what was this...thing that had opened the door. The creatures saw nothing like it. It wasn’t strong by any means, but it was squirrelly and surprisingly vicious. It was a long time since the storm creatures had ever had to actually fight. Still, they had been conquering kingdoms and empires for as long as they could think. Nothing had stopped them before and nothing will. The two stood up, having recovered slightly and began to follow the path of the long legged biped they had just sent into the next room over. They stopped once they heard a rhythmic tapping of wood on flesh.

Anon exited the hole in the wall, his expression changed from terror to determination. Really, that was the only thing that changed, as Anon was still terrified for his life. However, if this was truly how his life was going to end, stranded in a pony wonderland, beaten the death by two apes, he was going to die on his terms. In his hands was a wooden baseball bat, clearly chipped and dirtied by use and neglect. He tapped the bat on his hand, getting a good feel of its weight and sturdiness. Anon stopped and placed the bat on his shoulder. He just thought of the perfect one-liner.

“You picked the wrong house, fool.” Anon quipped, failing to contain a self-gratifying smirk. Que battle music. 

The storm creature, still drenched, roared and charged at Anon like a raging bull. Anon sidestepped the creature just barely and brought the bat down on the creatures back as hard as he could. There was a satisfying crack as the creature went down. Anon turned to find the other creature attempting to retrieve the javelin. Anon quickly dashed and brought the bat down on the monster’s hand, causing the creature to reel back in pain. Anon then swung the bat wildly, aiming for the head and torso. 

“Get. The. Hell. Outta. My. House!” Anon said with every swing. He actually managed to knock the helm with the last swing. Sadly, that last swing was also caught in the monster’s hands. Anon knew that if he lost grip on the bat, it would be the end of him. So, with little options and a head full of pop culture, Anon reeled his head back and head butted the storm creature right on the nose. Both of them let out pained screams as they both stumbled away from each other. 

“Fuck! What was my dumbass thinking!” Anon chastised himself. The storm creature also had some things to say in his own words. Anon recovered quickly, raising his bat far above his head and parallel to his back. With a mighty swing, Anon bashed the creature on the head with a satisfying “Bonk!”. Funny enough, a bruise began to swell on the creature’s head, reaching a comical size before the creature fell on their back. 

“Is this some kind of fucking cartoon?” Anon asked incredulously, still rubbing his forehead. He heard the other storm creature standing up behind him. Anon looked down, picking up the other creature’s helm. Anon turned just as the other storm creature turned, now facing each other. Anon threw the helm into the air, quickly readied a baseball swing and hit the helm cleanly. The helm sped across the room, hitting the storm creature directly in the center of his forehead. The impact caused both helms to fall, leaving the storm creature reeling. On the return swing, Anon tossed the bat itself at the storm creatures head, causing another hit in the same location. To finish it off, Anon sprinted towards the creature, jumping just before he reached the beast. Anon brought both legs up in front of him and drop-kicked the storm creature directly in the chest. 

The storm creature went stumbling back through the other room, landing with a thud. Anon, meanwhile, landed directly on his back, causing himself some pain. After some bit bitching and moaning of his own, Anon stood himself up and limped over to the storm creature, who was knocked out cold like his friend. Anon quickly fell into a laughing fit.

“Oh yeah! Look at chu!” Anon taunted, slurring his words slightly. “Y’all came talkin’ all that good shiz a second ago, then you got kicked in yo’ chess. You eat a dick, nigga! You...eat a…” Was all Anon could get out before collapsing alongside the storm creature, passing out from the combination of pain and exhaustion.