Sunset Shimmer strolled in late through the front door of the city-run high school in which she pretended to be enrolled, although she had been a genuine student many years earlier under a different identity and, as she would put it, in a previous life: her third of five. Thanks to events from the previous weeks, she knew any random thing could happen to her, but the one thing she did not anticipate was Twilight Sparkle standing in the main foyer looking extremely two-dimensional as their mutual friend Rarity (also flat) berated her without moving her lips.
“Like oh-em-gee Twilight how could you ask Brad out to the dance you know I’ve had a crush on him since forever why would you do such a thing,” stated Rarity robotically without even a hint of taking a breath. Had Rarity been less like an automaton, Sunset would have been impressed by her lung capacity.
Twilight said nothing, merely standing there smiling in an unmoving sort of way. Indeed, no matter which vantage point from which Sunset stared at Twilight, neither Twilight’s nor Rarity’s profiles seemed to change. She felt like she was in one of those old computer games that existed when she first came to the humanoid world, the ones where the game was technically 3D but every in-game character and item was a simple sprite with no depth.
She decided it was safest to keep her distance.
Just as well, because just then a massive crash rang out as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy fell through the roof thirty feet above, landing directly onto Rarity with a sickening crunch, although they quickly hopped up flatly as if nothing had happened.
Rainbow Dash spoke first. “I think it would be best for both of our skeletal systems if we do not try to fly again.”
Twilight approached them and interrupted whatever conversation might have happened. “Girls. I have terrible news.”
“What is it, Twilight?” Asked Fluttershy, her voice deep, dapper, and masculine.
Before Twilight could answer, Rainbow Dash spoke again. “Sorry, Rarity, that our flight practice broke your spine.”
“It’s okay. Really,” insisted the crumpled heap that had once been Rarity.
Twilight continued. “Pinkie Pie has been kidnapped by our rival in the Battle of the Bands.”
The news was immediately thereafter punctuated by an invisible brass band playing “Dun-dun-DUNNNN!!”
All four of the girls, including Rarity somehow, ran off to the stage that took up much of the east wing of the school building, leaving Sunset alone and mildly confused.
“This all seems vaguely familiar, yet not” she said to no one in particular as she scratched her chin.
Standing nearby, Sunset saw Trixie staring at her.
“What do you want, Trixie?” Sunset asked, clearly weary and a bit iffy in her bearings considering she had seen the girl literally pop like a balloon just a couple weeks earlier.
“Trixie wants to prove that she is better than you by forcing you to make sweet sweet love to Trixie and telling Trixie how great Trixie is,” said Trixie without a hint of shame or… any emotion really.
Sunset scoffed and shrugged. “That’s your character no matter what, isn’t it? My understanding is that the Pony Trixie at least has depth. Your sole motivation is some perverse desire for me you’ve had since you were in junior high. It was cute at first but now that you’re older, you seriously need to get a life. One not connected to me. I simply don’t swing that way. Period. Now if you’ll please excuse me, I need to figure out what’s happening over in the auditorium.”
In the auditorium, a five-piece band had set up to practice. The writing on the kick-drum informed anyone who cared that they were the Rainbow Rocks. And indeed they were. Literal rocks slightly over eight cubic feet in volume. Their chemical composition notwithstanding, each member bore a different major hue of the visible light spectrum. The rocks also wore sunglasses just to further prove their legitimacy at being hip.
Sunset, herself an accomplished guitarist and singer, though one who preferred not to show off her talents unless necessary, gave a quick whistle to show she was impressed with the rocks’ rocking.
From a rafter up-top hung Pinkie Pie, suspended by her ankles and counterweighted by the biggest layer cake anyone had ever seen. Since her arms were also unmoving, it was just out of her reach. Were she capable of making any expression, instead of being just as 2D as everyone else, she probably would have looked despondent.
“Oh come on,” Pinkie told the rocks. “That’s just cruel.”
Just then, Twilight and the other three appeared at the side door.
“Tom! Rocky!” chided Twilight. “Stop playing those bodacious riffs and let our friend go!”
“Ah. Equestria Girls,” Tom, or maybe it was Rocky, replied, “About time you came. Did you get Skittles mixed in your hair dye again?”
Rainbow Dash stared at the quintet with uncharacteristically dilated pupils, trying in vain to hold back a tear or several. “Why must you fill me with sadness?” she asked, the emotion on her face not at all making its way to her voice.
Out in the seats, near the audience entrance to the auditorium, Sunset sat near Brad, whose suit-coat and hair were covered in Skittles. She looked over to him. “That was a pretty low blow even by rock standards,” she told him.
Brad said nothing, but he did cough, a butterfly shooting out of his mouth and fluttering away. Nearby, Ditzy-Doo, the school’s resident eccentric known for her misaligned eyes and unconventional taste in clothing, practiced playing her musical saw.
Back on stage, the twisted lump of broken flesh that had once been Rarity spoke up. “Enough of this. I say we get our instruments and out-rock them.”
If Tom the grey rock had had a mouth, he would have smirked. “That will be difficult, for you see, we took care of your instruments in a controlled explosion. Plus your ally Vinyl Scratch is on vacation in the Australis Alps.”
In the Australis Alps, near the impassible southern border of the known world, Vinyl Scratch, dressed in lederhosen and a forest hat whilst still sporting her trademark rose-coloured glasses, held up her index finger to a local alphorn player and yodeller. After counting them off, they made beautiful if unusual music, which Vinyl dutifully recorded. Once they had finished their duet, Vinyl smiled broadly and shook their hands, then pointed to her digital recording device, giving them a thumbs-up. Then she bowed. They thanked her and left the hilltop to return to their flock of sheep.
Through it all, Vinyl never said a word. Perhaps she couldn’t. But, that is not a plot point worth exploring here.
Her work for the day accomplished, she scratched her head in confusion, a gnawing sensation that she was forgetting something important. She then shrugged as if to say, Oh well; I’ll remember it later.
Back at CHS, the situation had only become more tense.
“Twilight, you have an idea, right?” Rainbow Dash asked.
Twilight Sparkle, however, sported the classic deer-in-the-headlights expression. “I… I… I don’t know what to do!”
Just then, the PA system began blasting club music and Applejack, dressed in a Dayglo version of her usual outfit plus the darkest possible sunglasses, appeared on stage and promptly started slam-dancing in front of the rocks. She said nothing, but her styling was so fabulous it caused the auditorium to shake.
Up in the rafters, Pinkie Pie inadvertently swayed with the building, occasionally colliding with the cake counterweighting her. Somehow it did not splatter; instead it bounced off her as if it was made from rock, which would not have been a surprise given its origin.
“Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow,” Pinkie repeated robotically as she and the abnormally hard cake made contact.
Sunset watched the entire proceeding from the audience. “Wow. I didn’t know she could even do that.”
Several feet below on the stage, a metaphorical switch had flipped and Applejack was suddenly dressed as an angel complete with felt white wings. Unbidden, she belted out a few impossibly high operatic soprano notes.
The five Rainbow Rocks sat there like rocks, dumbfounded.
“You know what?” Tom declared. “We can’t compete with that.”
Instantly, the rocks flew out through a nearby window, shattering it. Yes, they somehow managed to take their instruments with them. Waiting nearby was a levitating rainbow platform made out of chert or limestone or something.
Before the platform could take off, however, Applejack declared with absolute conviction (but a standard computer-like lack of emotion), “Appul,” and launched herself at the platform head-first. It took all of two seconds for her to reach it, whereupon everything exploded.
As pebbles rained down on the courtyard outside the school, Rainbow Dash unexpectedly had a thought. “How come AJ keeps dying in these stories.”
“I have no idea!!” answered the charred remains of Applejack’s stetson hat as it fluttered to the ground.
Sunset Shimmer folded her arms. “This is the strangest Battle of the Bands I’ve ever seen,” she said.
“Yeah, it really wasn’t supposed to go like this,” Sonata told her.
Sunset jumped at the sight of three-dimensional humanoids sitting next to her. “Where did you come from? How long have you three been there?”
“For a while,” replied Aria, sitting two seats to Sunset’s right, clearly not pleased to be there.
To Aria’s right, Adagio let out a pissed off sigh. “I’m pretty sure this story was supposed to be about us, not some damn rocks. At least that’s what Sonata says. But I really don’t know or care anymore.”
“Ever since she started working at the burrito place, I think she’s gone even more insane and/or stupid than she was before,” said Aria.
Sonata turned to them, obviously irritated. “I can’t explain it yet, but I’ve learned that I don’t have to take that kind of abuse anymore. Anyway, you’re all right; nothing about this is right. I don’t understand this any more than you do. I just wanted to make sure Sunset was okay.”
“Christ, why don’t you two get a room then,” Aria snarked.
Sunset glared at her. “I don’t pretend to understand either, but could you all please get out of my face for now? I need to pour bleach into into all my orifices, or maybe give myself a good dose of home-brew electro-convulsive therapy to try and forget all of this. Goodbye,” she concluded, standing up.
Sunset left the auditorium, the school building, and the story, with Sonata looking on in concern, a barely audible “Sunset…” emitting from her mouth as she reached her hand out towards nothing.
Up in the sky, The Great One smiled His serene smile down upon all.