The pages of a particularly intriguing Playfilly magazine opened up, suspended in Celestia's magic. Since she was stuck with this box anyway, and she had some time before midday, there would be no harm in satisfying a bit of her burning curiosity. Of course she'd never admit it – especially not to Luna – but there was no point in denying to herself that it held a little bit of appeal. Still, she would limit herself to just one magazine, not the hundreds in the box. And she'd limit herself to this relatively restrained Playfilly. She wouldn’t sully her hooves with the torrid likes of Massive Meat Monthly. But it would be good to educate herself on the subject a little, wouldn't it?
When it came down to it, though, Playfilly was nothing to trifle with. No indeed. Her eyes went wide as she found the centerfold – one massive photograph covering two glossy pages. “Oh my,” she whispered to herself. She of course understood the basic anatomy, but she had to admit, she'd never really gotten such an up-close look at a specimen of it. And what a specimen this was...
The doors to her suite burst open. “Fancy Pants has arrived, Your Highness. Introduced in accordance with your orders, the moment he arrived.”
Celestia gasped and shoved the magazine back into the box. Too late.
“Is that...?”
She spun around and stood in front of the box, blocking Fancy Pants' view with her wings. “Nothing!”
With his magic, he took his monocle out of his eye, polished it on his vest, then replaced it, peering through it at her closely.
“Nothing at all! Why don't we get started with some nice daisy sandwiches and perhaps some—”
“I could have sworn you were just looking at a full page photograph of, well, I wouldn't see fit to speak of it in such company if I hadn't just seen it.”
“Nothing important. I was just getting rid of this.” Celestia levitated the box away behind her, smiling broadly despite the apprehension she felt. Surely Fancy Pants of all ponies would be gentlecoltly enough to simply ignore such a small little thing and not let it get in the way of—
The old, musty box snapped along its bottom seam. Everything inside came out in a huge, tumbling heap on the floor behind her, leaving her holding just the empty box.
She froze like that, her mouth hanging open. How in Equestria could she possibly explain this?
As she stood frozen with indecision, Fancy Pants trotted forward, straight to the pile. He sifted through it with his magic, his face twisting into a more and more appalled expression with every filthy magazine he uncovered. “Timbre and Pitch, two twins who are packing more than just trombones... Troubleshoes – this month's massive meat is done wrecking rodeos and is ready to wreck your—”
“It's not mine!” Celestia used her magic to yank away the magazine he'd been reading.
But that just exposed the one underneath it. “One hundred and one ways to tie up a stallion and leave him begging!” Fancy Pants gasped and leapt backward. He bumped right into her carefully prepared sideboard, spilling all her meal supplies onto the floor. “Princess Celestia! What are you planning to do with me?”
“I wasn't—”
“I've got to get out of here!” Fancy Pants took off at a gallop back toward the door of her suite. Before the startled guard could even figure out if he was supposed to stop him, Fancy Pants teleported right past, appearing with a flash in the corridor just outside.
Doubt and mental anguish only paralyzed Celestia for a scant moment later. No! She would not let it end this way! Not this time! Not another disaster!
She took off after him, literally taking off and flying down the hallway in pursuit. The two befuddled guards glanced at each other for a moment, shrugged, then resumed their posts at either side of her still-open door.
The corridors of her castle whizzed by, and still Fancy Pants evaded her. He was faster than he looked, and every time she drew near, he teleported farther ahead. But she had to catch him she just had to. She needed a chance to explain herself!
She almost had him now. A little closer and... She pounced! ... And she skidded along the polished stone floor as Fancy Pants teleported to the other side of the hall and changed direction down a side-corridor.
Not so fast! Bolting off after him, Celestia made sure to stick close. It seemed he didn't have enough magical power to teleport very far. He'd have to tire soon. There was no way he could keep up with the endurance of an alicorn for long ... right?
But he could, apparently. Despite everything she tried, he stayed a step ahead.
Until, that is, the moment the two of them happened to zoom past Twilight Sparkle along the way.
Twilight stopped in her tracks, staring with dropped jaw as Fancy Pants galloped helter-skelter past her. She nearly keeled entirely over when she saw Celestia in hot pursuit.
“Stop him!” Celestia shouted without thinking – the heat of the chase was getting to her.
And Twilight, ever the faithful student, did exactly that. Just before Fancy Pants could skid around the next corner, she grabbed him with her magic, freezing him in place. He teleported, of course, but Twilight was very good with magic. She was somehow able to zap him right back to where he was every time he flashed away.
Celestia glided down to something as close to a graceful halt as she could manage. She was actually a bit winded by all this. Was she that out of shape? How long had it been since she'd needed to fly like that?
Fancy Pants, meanwhile, continued to struggle, kicking and squirming to try and escape Twilight's magical hold. His horn glowed repeatedly as he tried a variety of spells, but Twilight seemed more than capable of countering all of them.
Twilight winced. “Um, Princess ... you do have a good reason for detaining him like this, right? I mean, of course you have a good reason. You're Princess Celestia. You wouldn't go chasing stallions down the hall to abduct them and have your way with them. Of course not. I'm just, um, kind of interested in knowing what that excellent reason might be...”
“She is trying to abduct me and have her way with me!” Fancy Pants protested. “You should have seen the sort of books she was reading in preparation for it!”
Twilight turned her gaze to Celestia, cringing ... but also narrowing her eyes a little bit.
Celestia sighed. It pained her to see that sliver of doubt in her former student's eyes, and she would have preferred not to do this in the middle of a public corridor, even if there seemed to be nopony around at the moment. “Are these the 'books' you're referring to?” With a burst of magical power, she teleported the pile of dirty magazines from her suite to the middle of the corridor, dumping them in an even more untidy heap.
“Yes! Those!” Fancy Pants winced as he looked at them again. “Please let me go! She thinks I'm some kind of 'meat' to be tied up and stored away in her bedchambers, never to be seen again!”
Twilight came closer, peering at the magazines in the pile. “Woah...”
“Horrifying, isn't it?” Fancy Pants said. “Why, it's almost as—”
“This is almost as good as the adults-only section of the Canterlot Library!” Twilight said with glee. “I don't think I've ever seen so many issues of Massive Meat Monthly in one place!”
Fancy Pants groaned. “Oh no... Not both of you! Now I'm doomed!”
“No,” Celestia insisted, “you are not 'doomed'.” She'd had quite enough of this insanity. It was time she finally had a chance to explain herself. “These do not belong to me. And I am certainly not going to abduct you or do anything to you against your will.”
Fancy Pants glared at her.
It took her embarrassingly long to understand the point of his pointed stare. “Oh, um... Besides this, of course. But I just wanted a chance to explain myself!”
His glare didn't lessen.
“Just please give me a chance to explain.” She steeled herself for the sight of him bolting away again. “Release him please, Twilight.”
Thankfully, Fancy Pants didn't bolt the moment he had an opportunity to. When Twilight gently lowered him back down onto all four hooves again and released him from her magical grip, he stood firm ... and glanced between Celestia and the pile of magazines. “So... These aren't yours, you say? Might I ask, then...?”
Celestia nodded slowly. She called up an old, powerful spell, beginning to run the significant power of it through her horn. Teleportation with an unknown target location was significantly more difficult than the garden variety teleportation spell, but she had more than enough magic to make it work, if the need was sufficient.
With a terrific flash of wasted magical energy, Princess Luna appeared in the hallway ... along with quite a large amount of sudsy bathwater and one yellow rubber duck. Luna squeaked just as indignantly as the duck as she dropped to the floor. The bathwater splashed all over the hallway, washing over the magazines and instantly soaking them.
“Fie!” Luna shouted, quickly snatching the pile of magazines up with her magic before it could soak up even more water. “My collection!”
“So,” Celestia said, trying not to sound too accusatory, “you admit that these magazines belong to you, Sister?”
Luna glared, her lips forming a prominent pout. “You promised, Sister, to use that spell on me only in the most dire of need. Now look – you have ruined my bath and ruined this beautiful collection!”
“But you do admit that it is your collection, do you not? The very same that you so unceremoniously dumped in my suite without my permission and quite against my will.”
For a few moments, Luna glanced back and forth between Celestia and Fancy Pants, her mouth beginning to quirk up into a mirthful smile.
“This is not the time for pranks, Sister.”
“Oh?” Luna's smile grew even more. “Well in that case, I should say that—” Her eyes caught Twilight Sparkle's.
Twilight gave her an stern, earnest look, twitching her head toward Celestia.
“Ah, yes...” Luna had to the good graces to actually blush a little. “I suppose this is indeed not the time for levity.” She turned toward Fancy Pants. “These are indeed my magazines, good sir. And my sister is correct. I quite unfairly foisted them upon her without her permission.”
Fancy Pants stared at Celestia, blinking. “So ... you don't want to tie me up and lock me in some sort of sex dungeon, I take it?”
“Not at all.” It felt like a massive weight had been lifted from Celestia's back. Finally that was cleared up. “Please, I beg you, just give me one more chance.”
“Well...” Fancy Pants glanced around the hallway as if checking to see if anypony else was there. He carefully readjusted his clothing, smoothing out the wrinkles from his run. “There is one little favor I could ask, though I fear I may be overreaching my bounds merely to mention it.”
“Anything,” Celestia prompted. She knew him well enough to know he wouldn't ask for anything truly outrageous.
He smiled warmly at her. “It seems I haven't been able to find myself a suitable date for the Masquerade Ball yet. I don't suppose you would deign to accompany me, Celestia?”
It still sent little shivers to hear someone other than royalty simply call her by her name alone. “Why yes, Fancy Pants.” She smiled back. “I very much would deign to accompany you.”
“Yes!” Twilight shouted – quite rudely – along with a short leap into the air. “Go get 'em, Princess!” She froze when she saw everypony staring at her. “Or, um... Maybe I'll just go now.” With a flash of violet light, she vanished.
“May I go as well?” Luna crossed her hooves over her chest. “It is already well past my bedtime.” At Celestia's nod, she flashed away as well ... taking her pulpy pile of pony pornography periodicals with her.
And that left Celestia alone in the wet corridor with Fancy Pants. She smiled, trying not to blush. “Well... If we are to attend the Masquerade Ball together, we had better see about those preparations, right?”
He smiled back and came alongside. “Indeed.”