[DAY 893]
You I am Anon, human male.
Didn't expect to see me here, huh? You already know who I am, so let's just get into it.
I'd always wondered how so many guys could stay good friends with their exes. So when Lyra invited me over for dinner, I was skeptical, but optimistic.
"Well hello there, stranger." she giggled.
"Good to see ya." I said.
We'd lived together for two years before I had to break it off. It was tough at first. Despite everything that happened between us, we were getting along really well.
And then I found out why.
"Therapy? You?" I scoffed.
"Oh, don't act so surprised." Lyra sighed.
"That shows some real personal growth. I'm proud of you."
"Thanks. Your opinion means alot. After all, you've been a huge part of my life and if we can't be together..."
I remember thinking, "Uh-oh, here it comes."
"At least we can still be friends."
But then I thought she's really changed. She really wants what's best for me.
"Hey, I'll drink to that." I chuckled, gulping down my drink.
And then, everything. Went. BLACK.
"Wakey wakey, sleepy head."
My head was throbbing and everything was fuzzy...
"What the hell?" I uttered.
"Did you really think I was gonna let it just end like this?" Lyra asked. "Did you think I was gonna let you just walk away?"
But I was sure of one thing.
"But none of that matters, Nonny. Because I'm gonna show you..."
I was gonna die.
"How MUCH I love you." she finished, handing me a card.
It was a Derek Meter rookie card.
Okay, let me explain.
I was out grabbing a drink with my buddy, Kody. Eventually, Lyra showed up and hinted that she flushed my old rookie card just for going out.
No wonder why I said she was "Fatal Attraction-y".
"In therapy, I realized if I was gonna save our relationship, I'd have to fight for it." she stated.
"Your therapist told you the best way to do that......was to drug me and handcuff me to a radiator in the basement?" I huffed.
"Not in those exact words. But he said fixing our relationship would take time, and I'm gonna make sure you have it."
She thought that drugging me and locking me up in the basement would save our relationship...
And people wondered why I broke up with her.
"You know what Stockhold Syndrome is, Nonny?"
"Y-You know, I don't think it works if the other person knows about it."
"Well, what the hell do you know about it anyway? I'M the one with experience in therapy!"
"HELP! SOMEONE HELP! THERE'S A HUMAN CHAINED IN HERE!!!"
"Hehe, you know nopony's gonna hear you."
She was right. The basement was to be my workshop, and the noise always bothered Lyra, so......I soundproofed it.
"Lyra, I'm begging you. Begging you to stop this, okay?" I groaned. "I promise I won't tell anyone. B-Besides, someone's gonna come looking for me."
"Why?" Lyra snickered. "I have your cell phone and I know you well enough to know that you never change your email password."
She was nuts, but she was brilliant.
"When you remember how good we had it, you won't want to be anywhere else."
And when Lyra put her mind to something, she covered every single detail, just like Hannibal Lecter.
"This is CRAZY!"
"Oh, honey? You know if anything happens to me, you'll die of thirst before anyone finds you."
DAY 896]
"Try the linguine and clam sauce. I remember how much you liked it at the pasta house, hehe."
Over the next few days, Lyra cooked all my favorite meals to make sure I remembered how much we enjoyed eating together. The pasta house was one of our favorites.
FLASHBACK:
"Mmm, this is the best linguine and clam sauce I've ever had.""Then I guess the bowl that I made you last week was CRAP."
"N-No, Lyra, I-"
"Thanks alot, jerk!"
Lyra and I NEVER remembered things the same way...
"We're so cute together. OMC, look how happy you are!"
At least three times a day, Lyra would make me sit through a slideshow of our relationship like this would somehow reprogram my memories of the three years we spent together.
"Ooh, remember when we went on that wine tasting trip?" she gasped playfully. "Ah, and the cruise to Miamane? So much fun! Remember that couple there? We had such a good time with them."
"Yeah, until you punched the mare in the face 'cuz you thought she was flirting with me." I grunted.
"......I don't remember that."
She was in denial, but the cruise line wasn't. They kicked us off the ship in some seedy port in Ja-mane-ca.
"Lyra, you just gotta stop, please. You need HELP."
"I know this all seems odd, darling, but trust me." the mare nodded. "This is all gonna be worth it."
[DAY 903]
Over the next WEEK, Lyra tried one thing after another to convince me that we were meant to be together...
"Happy Hearth's Warming!" she chimed.
Including Hearth's Warming in July.
"Ugh, I felt like I just got hit by a truck." I moaned. "Did you drug me again?"
"Yes. But only because I wanted this to be a surprise. I know I ruined some holidays, but never Hearth's Warming."
And that was the moment I realized that Lyra was much more than just confused.
She was probably legally insane.
"You slept with my boss at a Hearth's Warming party." I hissed.
"Why do you always have to look on the dark side of things, Anon?! I...........let's just open presents. This one says 'To Lyra, from Nonny'."
Honestly, it was like Hearth's Warming.
In Hell.
"Oooh, it's a sweater! I love it, thank you, babycakes."
"You're welcome, I guess."
"There's one under the tree with your name on it."
"Oh." I uttered. "So, uh, you finally did it?"
"Eeyup, this is the first in my new line."
Lyra always had this "brilliant" idea that adults wanted to feel like foals again, so she came up with the "adultsie", a onesie for grownups. It had to be the worst idea she ever had...
Except for drugging me and chaining me to a radiator.
"Try it on." she said.
"Oh, sorry, but......chains, remember?"
"Oh, I can help with that, and......besides, I think there's a Hearth's Warming tradition you always liked..."
"Oh, no, no, no, absolutely not. I'm not gonna have sex with you."
"Oh, no?"
ZZZZZZZIP!
I had sex with her...
But in my defense, what they say about crazy mares in bed is ABSOLUTELY true.
[DAY 904]
Kody hadn't seen or heard from me in little over a week, which really wasn't that unusual, but when I didn't show up for our weekly buckball game, he started to get worried. Lyra would always leave these fake letters on my doorstep for him to find.
"Sorry, bro. Going out of town for a few days."
:)
But Lyra forgot one major issue in her plan:
Guys do NOT send each other smiley faces. My bro knew something was up.
[DAY 905]
I had started to lose track of time. I was feeling hopeless and scared. Lyra's behavior was getting crazier by the day, and it felt like she could snap at any moment.
But then......I caught a break.
I "Macgyver-ed" a grappling hook out of a spoon and some Hearth's Warming lights to reach a toolbox on the other side of the room. It was my only hope of getting out.
I was terrified that Lyra would hear me, but it turns out she had her hooves full...
With my best pal, Kody.
Yeah, he violated the bro code. He came to see if I was at her place and ended up sleeping with her and to this day, he claims to not be proud of it.
I finally got the toolbox, loosened the radiator, freed the handcuffs and crawled out the window. If there's one thing I learned from my time in the basement, is that if you end up with anypony like Lyra, be prepared to be drugged up, chained up and totally bucked up.
The cops found Kody...
Unconscious.
Naked.
And locked up in Lyra's bedroom.
Lyra was charged with aggravated assault and kidnapping.
She's serving seven years in prison.
Anon and Kody still play buckball.
On separate courts.