//------------------------------// // S3, Ch.4.5 // Story: 2 Bits Short of a Full House // by Chaotic Ink //------------------------------// “So…” the mint-colored unicorn said as the ebony kirin dealt out the playing cards. “So…” the kirin repeated, making it obvious the unicorn was going to be the one to broach… any of the many subjects that were most likely going to be discussed that night. It had been over a month since they’d all even really talked last. Between the royal wedding, the flurry of activity that had been the official recognition of the bearer guard (Midnight never wanted to see another piece of official paperwork again), the incident at the Crystal Empire, as well as a few incidents right here in Ponyville soon after they got back, the group of friends barely had any chance to get together at all before now, let alone a poker night at Midnight’s. Lyra rubbed the back of her head. “I guess… sorry that I tried to stop you from saving the wedding?” she tried. Midnight just shrugged as she picked up her hoof. “I don’t think the few seconds it took to make you jump the others would have changed much.” “What was the deal with that, anyway?” Berry asked as she looked over her cards. “You were so excited to be a bridesmaid and then all of a sudden Twilight’s friends were the bridesmaids.” “Technically we are Twilight’s friends, from school,” Lyra explained. “We all went to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns and were in the same classes together. We always tried to include Twilight, especially when Moon Dancer was with us, but…” she shrugged, “she’d prefer to have a book in her face. We actually foalnapped her once to go out...” “Wait, wait, wait,” Vinyl interrupted, putting her cards down and looking over her shades at Lyra. “YOU went to Celestia’s hoity-toity school for unicorns?” “Yes,” Lyra defended, “I went there, as did most unicorns in Canterlot,” she added a bit lamely. “Gifted apparently has a broad definition.” “I’ll say,” Vinyl teased. “Shut up!” “So you and a bunch of old schoolmates got picked by Cadance to be her bridesmaids,” Midnight said loudly, attempting to keep the conversation on track. “But, and don’t take this the wrong way, why? I mean, wouldn’t Cadance want to have her own friends as her bridesmaids?” “Technically, Colgate, Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine, Moon Dancer, and I are her friends. She’d visit Twilight all the time and we got to know her pretty well. She’d also mention how nice it was to just go out with ponies for fun instead of everyone having ulterior, political motives. Even after me and then Twilight moved here, she kept in touch, and when she said she was getting married, she asked us to be her bridesmaids. Lemon Hearts was out of town at the time and Moon Dancer never responded, she never gets back to any of us anymore, actually, but Colgate, Twinkleshine, and I were able to!” “And then Queen Chrysalis mind controlled you, set you up in that castle entryway in case someone got out, and exchanged you three with the other five in order to keep them busy so they wouldn’t notice anything off,” Midnight finished. “I guess. All I remember was Twilight’s brother coming into the same room as us one day, saying that Cadance shouldn’t have so few bridesmaids, and then a green light and then…” she trailed off, looking embarrassed. “And then you’re waking up to strangling your friends and screaming about a hidden mirror to the hoo-man world,” Vinyl finished with a laugh. “How about I strangle you next?” Lyra growled. “You make a mess, you clean the mess,” Midnight said. “Bet three, by the way.” “So, what exactly happened at the real wedding after all that changeling hullabaloo?” Derpy ask. “I heard there were a few other things done besides Princess Celestia marrying Princess Cadance and Captain Armor.” Midnight shrugged. “Twilight and the others were awarded for helping to save Equestria, again, the bearer guard was formally announced and most were promoted.” “Who wasn’t promoted?” Berry asked. “Raise one.” “I wasn’t, for one; can’t go higher than captain. Windrunner also can’t be promoted to captain unless I step down or they actually come up with something higher than captain,” Midnight explained. “What about general?” Derpy asked. “I remember reading something in school about Equestria once having an army, not just royal guards. See.” Midnight snorted. “I have enough on my plate with my own guard without having to worry about the other two branches. It wouldn’t feel right either, being Holly and Skimmer’s boss when both of them have been in the guard longer. I’m pleased enough with the raise I got instead.” “At least that explains why money never seems like that big of a deal to you,” Berry said, “you’ve had a second job this whole time that pays better than any of us make.” “Yeah, you should have seen the bag of bits I was given for the wedding reception; I could replace my whole set up with what they paid me,” Vinyl agreed. “See.” “It’s not like I flaunt it,” Midnight mumbled. “Speaking of gold, how does Honey and her changelings like their new home? See.” Derpy asked. The home she was referring to, built next door to Forest and Spine’s home, was… Midnight wasn’t quite sure what to call it. The building itself was as wide as two houses, maybe a little bit more, and had three stories. It was made mostly of brick and had two wings on either side that made a small courtyard in the middle, complete with a small fountain. Built on royal funds (like practically every other house in their growing neighborhood) it even had a gate at the entrance of the courtyard and a plaque on the side of the entrance that read “Changeling Embassy”, though the whole thing seemed more like a scaled-down apartment complex than an embassy. Though, to be fair, Midnight had never seen an embassy before. Further helping the apartment complex vibe was that every one of Honey’s changeling had taken up residence there, with the exception of the most important intended tenant. Honey had practically begged Midnight to let her stay in the house, in the room she already had. Midnight didn’t have a problem with letting her stay but it just seemed weird to have someone who was a royal living in what was essentially a glorified guest bedroom with a communal bathroom. That and the “penthouse” apartment of the building that had been made specifically for her would go to waste. Her changelings understood, oddly enough, that Midnight’s home had become her home as well and she wasn’t happy about leaving it but she was also their queen and they couldn’t all pile into Midnight’s home nor snub the gift that the princesses had given them. In the end, Honey had decreed (rather awkwardly) that the apartment would act as her office where she could meet with her subjects and any visitors in an official capacity. This was accepted by all and the matter was resolved. “They like it fine from what I hear and Honey spends a good part of the day in her office as well and even stays late if they need her to, so they have no problem with her living here. Squeaks like the compromise just fine.” Sapphire made a soft snort. “The Pillow Knights and the CMC are making it into their new club house,” sounding equally exasperated and amused. “I hear that one of the cleaning closets is full of their little projects and props already. See.” “Any complaints?” Midnight asked. She hadn’t heard anything, though she doubted Honey would have told her of any, preferring to keep Squeaks and her friends from getting into trouble (unless it was of the serious kind). “No but it is the changelings’ home, not their personal playground. I don’t think we should wait until there is a complaint to say something to them.” “I’ll speak with them and Honey tomorrow morning,” Midnight assured her. Funny enough, that’s where the foals were right then, with Honey babysitting them in her office. Needless to say, their current location within the changeling apartments, as Midnight was calling it, was now subject to debate. “I’m just glad you all made it through what happened up there in one piece,” Berry said. “From what I heard it got pretty bad.” “It could have been worse if it was an actual army that attacked us and not starving civilians,” Midnight said. “It was still pretty scary,” Derpy said. “Some of them went after Sparkler and my little muffin!” “And from what I hear you kicked their flanks for it,” Vinyl said. “Guess an invasion doesn’t generate the kind of love they need.” Her smile turned evil. “Around here, though…”Immediately, she was assaulted by a hail of snacks. “What!? I’m just saying that with Midnight and Sapphire and Spine and Forest-!” “We KNOW what you meant,” Midnight growled, “and that’s not how that works.” “Geez, what a bunch of prudes,” Vinyl complained, looking back up from her cards, believing the snack attack was over, only to be hit in the muzzle by a cracker. “For your information, Honey’s changelings only collect ambient love from around town and bring it back home where they can either use it to eat, share it with others, or store it,” Midnight shrugged. “They can make a sort of honey out of what they store, which is actually what Honey and Cadance agreed upon for a trade deal between the Crystal Empire and the changelings. Some of them go up to the empire for a week, collect the excess love they find from the citizens as well as the heart, and then provide a percent to the crown when they leave.” “I wonder what they’re planning to do with it, the empire, I mean,” Berry said, putting down two cards and picking up their replacements. “Research, from what Cadance told us,” Midnight said, discarding and drawing one card. “They don’t know how concentrated love will affect someone, so right now the stock is going towards figuring that out. She’s already sent over some results and things look promising.” “What kind of results?” Derpy asked, picking up three new cards of her own. “And why’s she send them to you? I’d think that she’d want the results to be a secret, if she’s monopolizing the trade,” Forest asked and she and Spine exchanged their cards with the deck. “Actually she sent the results to Honey, who told me,” Midnight said, “and she only wants first dibs on any of the honey produced in the Crystal Empire. It’s more of a form of taxation for allowing the changelings to use the empire as a harvesting ground.” “That sounds a lot like the Hearth’s Warming story, with the unicorns and pegasi demanding food from the earth ponies,” Lyra said. “One.” “Except where the two other tribes took two-thirds of the food and took more and more each year from a steadily decreasing supply, Cadance takes less than half of what they collect and they collect a lot each trip, more than enough to keep themselves happy and healthy. Not to mention what they’re able to collect from just around town. Honey’s waiting on the results from Cadance to see about start selling jars of it around here or even to other places like Celestia’s school for additional research purposes,” Midnight explained. “See.” “Why didn’t the changelings do that before? Why attack us?” Vinyl asked. “Two.” “Differences in beliefs,” Midnight said simply. “Honey learned how to collect love from her mother, who felt harming us wasn’t the best way to get it,” Sapphire elaborated. “Her aunts believed otherwise. See.” “Hey, just to go off topic a bit and speaking of collecting, what’s going to happen with your firewood business now that the guard isn’t working behind the scenes now?” Berry asked. “See.” Midnight shrugged. “As much as I want to, I can’t justify cutting down trees as patrolling, so that’s more something that I’ll do as a side business now. Clearing trees from the Everfree does help keep certain unpleasant things in the woods at bay, but only for a little bit. I’ve seen plenty of timber wolves crossing that first deep cut I made. We’re planning on making a dedicated path between here and the old castle out there, so any trees we cut down I’ll handle.” “That kinda stinks that we won’t be getting our firewood from you anymore,” Derpy said. “See.” “I’ll still cut down a tree now and again. I also ran into an old friend of the Apple family, Burnt Oak, during the Summer Harvest Parade,” Midnight said, then snorted. “This place sure has a lot of celebrations. Anyway, he said he’s moving back to town and bringing his business with him, and if the Apples treat him like family, I think he’s an honest salespony. Better than that other stallion I ran out.” They all nodded. The stallion that had sold firewood before Midnight arrived had always overpriced his wood, which more often than not was found to be rotting. Needless to say, he hadn’t stayed in business long after the kirin had opened shop. “As long as I don’t have to smell rotten wood and break the bank to stay warm, I’m happy,” Berry said. “Everybody good to go?” They all nodded and showed their cards. “So close,” Midnight mused, eyeing the four of clubs that had ruined her chance at a full house. “So, was that mango float you and Squeaks were riding in her idea or yours?” Berry asked as Vinyl collected her winnings. “Squeaks wanted it to be one of those food horns you see a lot in the fall, only with all tropical fruit since its summer. I convinced her to keep it simple and just do a mango,” Midnight told them. “She still had a fun time riding in it, so much in fact that I’m having a hard time convincing her to let me break it down.” “She likes driving her friends to the playground and back with it,” Sapphire said as she drew a new hoof, “can’t she keep it around for that?” “It wasn’t meant to last, for one thing,” Midnight said, “for another, doesn’t it seem kind of ridiculous to ride down to the playground?” “Ridiculous to have some fun on the way to have some fun?” Sapphire asked with a playful smile. “Well, when you put it that way,” Midnight as she looked down at her new cards. “Please don’t say “fun” more than once per sentence,” Forest asked, rubbing her head as if she had a headache, “I’m still trying to forget the… what did you all call it?” she asked Spine. “The Pinkocalypse,” Spine said absently. While he could understand why everyone else had had a conniption fit at the idea of more than one Pinkie Pie, he’d found the whole situation amusing. “Thank the Makers I insure my stock,” Berry said with a shake of her head. “How exactly did we get a tsunami of Pinkies anyhow?” Vinyl asked, looking at Midnight, “you guys said you solved the problem of Pinkie cloning herself, but how?” Midnight grunted and slid two bits into the pot. “Two. State secret.” Lyra leaned forward across the table at that. “What kind of state secret?” “The kind where I’m legally allowed to turn you into tomorrow’s dinner if I tell you,” Midnight answered. “Knowing you, you’d clone yourself as much as you could before invading Canterlot castle,” Berry said. “See.” “Well, yeah. I mean, they couldn’t keep us all out, right?” Lyra said. Midnight coughed with what sounded like “princesses” mixed in. “That was some smart thinking in town hall there at the end,” Derpy continued, “I don’t think anyone else noticed how the clones weren’t saying names right. See.” “Can’t take credit for that one,” Midnight said with a wave of her wing. “Scarlet was the one to notice that little detail. Thank the Makers, too, otherwise we’d have to go with Twilight’s original plan of watching paint dry.” Vinyl shivered. “Yeah, I’d fail that. Can’t imagine Pinkie would be able to pass that.” “The funny thing is we kind of figured out which Pinkie was the real one almost from the start,” Sapphire told them as she slid her own bits forward. “Pinkie may like fun and games, but she knows when things get out of hoof. Most of the time,” she amended at everyone’s half-lidded stares. “And the fact that she wasn’t acting as mindless as the others.” “I DO think she’s crazy enough to call you by your new nickname, captain,” Spine said with a smirk. “Tell me, tell me, tell me!” Vinyl said quickly. “Private Spine, don’t you dare!” Midnight shouted. To everyone’s surprise, Sapphire choked back a giggle. “Midfight Stumped,” she said before bursting out in a laughing fit that was quickly joined by everyone else at the table but her marefriend. “Really?” Midnight asked, a betrayed look on her face. Sapphire could only lean on her as she laughed. “That is SO much better than what Spike came up with when you all got Poison Joked!” Berry said. “Yeah, yeah, Midfluff Puffstorm, get it out of your systems,” the kirin grouched. It took a good five minutes for everyone to stop laughing. “But seriously,” Berry finally said, “having all of them try and remember the names of everypony in town? That’s something only the real Pinkie would know, which makes it brilliant!” “I’m going to go with a flash of inspiration, because brilliance would have noticed what was going on with the Apple Family after that cousin arrived,” Midnight said, discarding some cards. “Oh yeah, there was that accident during the parade,” Derpy said, tapping her chin as she remembered. “Before any of you ask, I’m not airing out their private laundry,” she ignored a snicker from Vinyl, “but from the sounds of it there was bullying involved, a revenge scheme that wound up in the mud, and a heart-felt reconciliation.” “Actually, Pinchy and Dinky kinda filled us in on what happened, from their perspective,” Berry said, “we got the gist of it.” “I don’t know the gist of it!” Lyra said. “So,” Berry continued as if she hadn’t heard the unicorn, “What’s next for our busy captain of the guard?” “A working vacation,” Midnight said. “AJ, Rarity, and Rainbow are all taking their sisters out for a little camping trip in Whitetail Woods. Seeing as half of the guard will be going along, I figured I’d run the away team as well as get in the spirit and bring Autumn along on this sisterly campout.” “That sounds nice,” Derpy said. “Wait, Rainbow doesn’t-” Berry began. “Honorary sisters are included,” Midnight said. “Ah.” “Well, at least you get to spend time with your only sister,” Derpy said. ------------ In a cave far to the north, someone sneezed.