//------------------------------// // Smolder // Story: My Crazy Ex // by 23 KM To Nerdiness //------------------------------// [DAY 1] Name's Midnight Blitzer, pegasus stallion. I'm an aerospace engineer, which pretty much means I don't get out much, even though I'm trying to get into military training. So one night, my buddy Micro Chips decided to drag me to this lecture that doubled as a social mixer for 'smart' ponies. After about five minutes of this one guy yapping on about alien theories, I realized this wasn't for everypony. It was the last place I'd expect to meet someone like Smolder. "So, you think we can get the 'aliens' to come abduct this guy?" she quipped. "I second that." I laughed. "You wanna go get somethin' to eat?" "S-Sure." She was funny and really beautiful. And I gotta be honest, last time I had a girl ask me out to have a drink with her was......never. And it turns out not only was she pretty, she was really smart and........interesting. "I just always thought it would be such a fulfilling experience to spend time with an indigenous culture." she stated. "Wait, so you actually lived with a tribe?" I gasped. "Yeah, the buffaloes. They were cool. The healthiest creatures I've ever seen. I had alot to do after I left." "Do what?" "I started my own business, actually. Inspired by what I learned from the tribe." She said it was a lifestyle business that specialized in holistic health plans. Apparently, this buffalo tribe had a HUGE impact on her. "But enough about me, tell me about you." Usually when I talk about work on a date, I can actually see the girl formulating an exit strategy. "I'm actually boring myself just talking about it." I sigh. "It's not a sexy job." "That job requires intelligence, and intelligence, I mean, at least in my opinion....is extremely sexy." But not Smolder. Later that night, we......got more acquainted with each other. At that moment, I guess I was a little outta shape. "Mid, you okay there?" "Y-Yeah........I just need......need to catch my...breath." "Well, don't die on me. I'm not done with you yet." She wasn't kidding about not being done with me. We did it three more times that night. [DAY 2] The next morning, Smolder got up early to make breakfast. "Mm, what's that?" I asked. "Just a mixture of herbs, roots and fauna with an enzyme compound design." she nodded. "And, of course, the good stuff." Well..........her version of breakfast. "Good stuff?" Looked healthy enough, so I thought, why not? "Mm, ugh.........t-that's really good." I gagged. "You don't like it." "I'm more of a hay-bacon and eggs for breakfast, burgers for lunch kinda guy." "I can tell. Last night in bed......I thought you were gonna have a heart attack." I told her that I was concerned about my health too, and that's when she hit me up with a proposition. "Let me help you. Give me two weeks, 'kay? Two weeks, follow my diet, follow my training regimen and I promise you, you will be as fit and vital as the tribal chief himself." "Wow." I snickered. "The chief, huh?" I've never been very successful at relationships. So if she was asking me to become an unofficial member of this buffalo tribe, I was like "Sure. Where's my grass skirt?" [DAY 3] "Come on, Blitzy, really sink into the pose." "Smolder, if I sink any further, I'm gonna rip something." The next two weeks, Smolder put me through a program. Unfortunately, for me... "I actually feel pretty good. We should go back to bed for a little bit." I said. "We just got started." she stated. "We got a four-mile run ahead of us." "Ugh, seriously?" The buffalo were early risers. They were also warriors who ran around ALL DAY to increase their battle stamina. And then there's more... "Alright, hop in. It's ready." "Sweet Celestia, this tub is FREEZING!" "The oldest members of the tribe used to sit in the river every morning, and they said it added decades to their lives." Smolder said. She said ice water reduced 'inflammation in the body', which decelerated the aging process. Scientifically, it made sense... "You're gonna join me, right?" "That was just for the males in the tribe." But, as soon as my parts hit that water- "HOLY BUCKBALLS!!!" The didn't care what science thought. Anytime I got discouraged, she had a certain way of........motivating me. I had more sex those two weeks than I did the last three years. "Maybe this isn't all bad." I sighed. "And if you notice, you can speak a full sentence without gasping for air." Smolder giggles. "Actually, I did. It's been tough, but I feel great now." I really felt like a completely new stallion. [DAY 20] A couple days later, I met Micro Chips for lunch. Although, at this point in my diet, lunch meant something completely different to us. "Since when did you start eating steamed vegetables?" he asked. "I promised Smolder I'd stick to this diet." "The girl from the lecture?" I filled him in on everything, the shakes, the training regimen... "Other than the fact that I feel hungry most of the time, I actually feel pretty good." I stated. Even the tribe she lived with. "Which tribe?" "The buffalos. Apparently, they're really fit, they live long lives, and they have awful, AWFUL local cuisine." "Lemme guess, you didn't research it?" "Hey, Smolder's been keeping me pretty, pretty busy." [DAY 21] The next day, I was just looking to grab a snack when- "Stop!" Smolder hissed, blocking the fridge's door. "What are you doing?" "J-Just getting some ice cream. Or, I mean an organic soy......something." "You're not allowed to have any of that." Not 'allowed'? I was happy to get in shape, but I wasn't trying to go full Iron Mare here. "Blitz, I'm.....I'm sorry. All my formulas are in there and I can't show any creature." It was strange that she was so secretive about what was in that freezer. That night, Smolder wasn't in bed. About an hour later, I heard her sneak in through the front door. "Smolder?" "H-Hey, Blitzer. W-What are you doing up?" What was I doing up? I wasn't the one sneaking into the house in the middle of the night carrying a cooler! "Where were you?" "Um, I was just at the park." she said. "Some of the same herbs that I found in the buffalo's homeland grow there, but they don't like you to take stuff, so I go at night. I know, guilty as charged." Gardening for contraband herbs... In the middle of the night. Yeah. "Go back to bed, Blitz. I'll be there in a minute." "O......kay..." I was honestly too tired to push it, but I'd have to call that the moment I went from thinking something was up to KNOWING something was up. By the time I got outta bed the following morning, Smolder was already gone. I'd hardly slept, and all I could think about was the night before. And just when I was trying to stomach my so-called breakfast, it hit me. The answers were five feet away. I know I promised not to look in the freezer, but I did. So......I probably forgot to mention this, but Smolder's a strict vegetarian. So why was there weird looking MEAT in her freezer? Then I took a closer look. "Yeah, it's a heart AND a liver! That's what she's been putting in my shakes!" "Hold on, I researched..." I met with Micro and I told him everything. I just couldn't believe that this was Smolder's secret ingredient. But then I found out it was WAAAAAAAY worse than that. "Dude, that 'buffalo tribe' of hers? They're cannibals." Micro states. "And dragons, too. Your lady friend's been feeding you Celestia-knows-what." At that moment, I thought "I'm screwed." [DAY 23] The next morning when Smolder went off to do her deliveries, I decided to follow her around town. At one place, she came out with somepony who looked like a doctor and got a huge pouch of bits from her. I couldn't figure it out. Was Smolder selling pony organs? Then she stopped at a storage facility. Now, I was even more stunned. And she STILL had that cooler. I eventually decided to follow her inside, but to be honest, I didn't wanna know what was in there. I followed her around the building until she stopped at a storage unit. I waited for her to take off.......then I busted the lock. And there it was, an empty room with a huge freezer in it. I was freaking out, I was like "What the hell is in there?!" More organs? Chopped up body parts? But it wasn't any of those things... It was a freezer full of test tubes. There must've been a HUNDRED of them in there with different guys' names on it. But this one was fresh and had MY name on it. "Hey! What are you doing here-" And there she was. "What are YOU doing here?!" I hissed. That's when I got the real story. Smolder wasn't selling any shakes or formulas. She was running a black market sperm bank. She preyed on highly intelligent males, slept with them, and then stole their......essence. All the stuff about the 'tribe'? Yeah, that was just a B.S. sales pitch so that the guy she slept with would buy into her healthy lifestyle and turn out a quality product. Yoga, ice baths, they were all just good for increasing sperm count. She'd take samples in that cooler and sell them to professional mares. Mares who were willing to pay top bit for a high quality kid, like the doctor. She was a client. And that raw meat in the freezer? It was just animal organs, good for fertility. The funny thing is, if I had just looked down I would have seen my last sperm sample she had taken right in front of the frozen tofu. Appetizing... And to think, I thought she liked me. Midnight went to the nearest health clinic and got every STD exam they had. He's clean. The following week, Smolder found out she was four months pregnant. Luckily for Blitz, it wasn't his.