"Hey, Big Mac," Pinkie Pie sang song as she picked cherries from one of the few cherry trees Applejack was letting her plant on her land in exchange for helping with some cooking for the next Apple Family gathering, "have you ever tried smoking crack?"
"Eenope." Big Mac replied, as he helped her.
"Well, would you like to?" she asked
"Maaaaybe?" he replied. "As I understand it," he continued, "it doesn't really matter what I do or say. This scene simply acts as a narrative device to get the ball rolling.
"Yepperoonies!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Nothing matters, God is dead, be gay do crime!"
Big Mac scrunched his eyebrows like his sister had taught him as the author took another sip of his concoction. "Pinkie, I think you might be a bit more radical than me. But yes, I would like to try smoking crack cocaine."
Pinkie smiled. "Perfect! First though, the author needs to look up how crack cocaine is made. Using an InPrivate browser. Don't want the feds up in this bitch.
... huh, it's actually really simple!
Anyway, Ponkers was like, "Okay, Big Mac, first we gotta get the freebase cocaine. You know where the dankest stuff is?"
"Uhhhh, Griffonstone?" Big Mac answered.
"Wrong!" Pinkie shouted. "It used to be. But they've been on the up and up, which means less desperation which means both less drug use and drug production."
Fuck it, I'm over this. I'm going to go masturbate, and just argue I live in Alaska and finish this later. I'm drunk.
Hi, I'm back. Jesus Christ this story is a mess already. And like, why would Big Mac even want to smoke crack? That's so out of character. But then, how do you even characterize Big Mac? Fuck if I know.
Welp, it's 4am, and I've accomplished jack shit today. couldn't even write a dumb shitfic for a damn writing contest. Looks like once again I've fucked myself over. My original plan was to lie and tell shrinks Laureate that I live in Guam but I checked a few hours ago and it's on the other side of the International Date Line, so even though technically it's an American territory it's been March 2nd there for almost a whole day. Also my outside life is a mess as well. And I might not end up getting the job I was offered because I've been taking so long to get the stuff done for it that I need to get done, and the same thing for a part-time job or two I'm having issues with as well. Well I think the depression is back because I just never feel like doing anything. I just am a lazy hedonist and I'm scared that's all I'm ever going to be. Fuck. At least in spite of the fact that I am a flailing mess who
almost never does the things he wants and needs to get done, I am getting various gigs so it looks like actually be able to pay rent response. Hopefully soon I can pay back all the people I owe money and pay out the feghoot contest prizes I owe people. I'm only a third of the way into the second season of BoJack Horseman, but I certainly relate to him right now.
So fuck it, let's finish this shitty ponyfic. Let's do this baby. I'm tired and actually want to go to sleep now, which is a good sign because the gig I did this weekend kept me up all night for three nights in a row but I made a lot of money, so let's fucking do this before I knock the fuck out.
Pinkie Pie and Big Macintosh took an airship to Kludgetown. Airships are cool as fuck and I wish the series had a higher Parental Guidance rating so that we could have had Pony airship battles because holy fuck how goddamn awesome would that have been?
Kludgetown is where... nope, can't do it. I need to sleep.
Wow, what a fucking shitshow.
Okay, okay, so it's a week later, and I'm sitting in a McDonald's using their wifi. Let's fucking do this. Gotta prove to myself I can accomplish something.
Ponkenstein and Michael McDonald Pinkie and Big Mac reached Kludgetown the next day, not that time has any sort of meaning, and set about looking for freebase cocaine to buy. I confess I'm not really sure where to take this story now, but, uh, fuck it, let's find out what Verko and Capper are up to. Lol just kidding, Capper's probably off fucking Rarity somewhere. Actually, double just kidding, Capper and Rarity seem more like the types to see each other every few years for a few days of whirlwind romance and then pine for each other until fate again connects them. But seriously, Capper's probably somewhere besides Kludgetown. Also, wasn't he in the Nightmare Knights comic arc late last year? I need to finish that arc, it had a promising first two issues. Speaking of rogue's gallery, I'd like to throw a story rec your way, by the wonderful and severely underrated MagnetBolt:
I feel like this isn't the first time I've recced that story. It certainly is better than this one.
Also, speaking of Capper, check out the MLP movie prequel comics; they're really good and tragic and flesh out the characters and events before the movie a lot and also paint Capper as probably at least bi-curious.
God bless you Andy Price.
ANYWAY, when we last saw Verko, who's name is spelled with a k, and not Virgo, he had gotten his ass shocked the fuck up by a very grumpy Tempest Shadow. I think he was into it. I bet he has a FemDom kink. He seems like the type who would. Anyway, he was still rambling around Kludgetown, still being a general low-level piece of shit. But he had connects. So when Pinkie's right ear started vibrating, her left forehoof started tapping, and her tail started twirling in a right left left right pattern, she knew it was her minor-movie-character-sense going off and that he was somewhere nearby in the city. Not having Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or LinkedIn or even an address book to track him down, Pinkie had to work on word of mouth to find him. Some of the residents of Kludgetown recognized or at least had heard of her, and given what happened last time, they mostly gave her a wide berth, especially given the large muscular stallion trotting along side her. But eventually, through following various tips, she located Verko playing cards with some associates in a dusty run down hole-in-the-wall bar, although adding dusty and run down to the description of any locale in Kludgetown is kind of redundant. Interestingly enough there are several groups of oldish men also playing cards here in this McDonalds. I'm at the one off Crenshaw a little south of Stocker Street in Baldwin Hills right now, by the way. In case you want to come visit me or something. Although I'll probably be long gone by the time you read this, but in general if you live in SoCal, let's hang out!
"VERKO!" Pinkie somewhere between said and shouted, not remotely at all discreetly. "So glad to see you again!"
Verko and the half dozen other motley individuals haunting the bar all jumped. Verko especially. "Oh! Why, hello, pony. Uh, heheh, lovely to see you here!" he said, not at all sounding like he meant it in the least.
Pinkie pronked over to the table near the back he occupied. Big Mac saw fit to just trot. "Don't worry, buddy-o-pal. Even though you tried to buy us as slaves last time we met, I'm not here for vengeance. Although the author has suggested you might be into that. No, instead--" here, Pinkie in a rare fit of discretion leaned in to whisper in his ear "my associate and I here are seeking some dank-ass snow. Word is you know where to obtain some. It would be in your best interest to divulge said contacts before we find out how long a naked mole rat can survive without oxygen."
Verko swallowed and turned especially pale. "Oh, I see. Let's um, go some place a bit more private." Jeez this is turning into a fucking hard boil noir novel. This is supposed to just be a dumb shitfic, not
Anyway, Verko, Ponkers, and Big Mac popped into the back alley behind the bar. "Okay, listen," Verko said is wispy hushed tones, a far cry from the boisterous personality we saw in the movie, "I don't want to get caught up in none of this trafficking shit or whatever you're on about, so you didn't hear this from me. But... blah blah blah blah" and he told the two where to get quality cocaine. In the hands of a good author with more patience and work ethic than me, I feel like there are a lot of good stories featuring Kludgetown and Verko you could write. Lots of fanfiction published before the movie had that archetype of rough and tumble run down trading town filled with, to quote Star Wars, "scum and villainy", but now with Kludgetown we have a canon location for that. Reminds me of Rust in the Austraeoh series. God damn I miss that series; I hope it isn't dead forever. I believe in you Imploding Colon!
ANYWAY, Verko told the compadres where to find dank nose clams, and they went and got a kilo of it. Damn, Ponkers, you loaded! But yeah, then they traveled back to Equestria. Damn, I was almost in danger of actually writing a decent longer story there. Wouldn't want THAT to happen now, would we?!
Haha no, we wouldn't. So next, they needed a drug chemist. Pinkie knew just where to find one. She slipped through the magic mirror to BuyOurHumanoidToys Land and visited SciTwi. In most my stories involving drugs, or at least
,EQG Twilight Sparkle is paranoid about getting caught with drugs and expelled from school, since unfortunately the Equestria Girls world does not have as progressive of drug policy as Equestria, and so that's actually a point of contention she has with some of her friends who do imbibe.
But here, in this story. SciTwi is a drug chemist. Which, if not in character for her, would certainly be within her skill set if she applied herself towards that endeavor. So Pony Pinkie visited Purple Human Twilight and had her turn half of the cocaine she had to crack cocaine so she could sell it and smoke it and Big Mac could also try it. I'm not going to go into details on how SciTwi did this, but it's pretty simple and you can look it up if you really care. Really, Pinkie could probably have done it herself if not for the fact that SciTwi is one of the characters I'm supposed to use for this story. Now something more complex like meth or LSD she probably would have more needed SciTwi's help. But anyway, she waited while SciTwi made the crack in her underground lab, and then took it back to Equestria.
When she popped back through the mirror which was in Twilight Sparkle's Magic Crystal Tree Castle, Owlicious was there perched on a nearby bookshelf. He is nocturnal after all. You know, We don't really see a lot of him in later seasons, do we? The last I very specifically remember seeing him is of course that iconic moment when Twilight grabs him and teleports out of her treehouse right before Tirek explodes it. God, that was a badass moment. I wish the show would have had more fights like that when the Pony of Shadows (season 7) and the Big Bad Three (season 9) were involved. Wow, this is my first over 2,000 word story in a while! Anyway, Owlicious (spelling?) was chilling in the castle when Pinkie got back. He was another character I needed to include according to the bingo card, although considering I'm finishing this a week after the contest ended, it doesn't really matter, does it?
Okay, he's at least in the finale. I'd spoiler that image, but I mean it's been, what, five months since the finale? If you aren't caught up by now, that's on you.
Anyway, the next day Ponkers gave Big Mac a crack pipe to try and he coughed a lot, and then felt really energetic and high and started talking about as his sister would say "fancy mathematics" a lot, and Pinkie realized he might actually advance the field of mathematics with how fast and fancy he was talking, maybe proving the Riemann Hypothesis or something, so she ran and grabbed (pony) Twilight, and Twilight was "Jesus Christ, Pinkie, did you give Big Mac fucking crack cocaine?!!?" and Ponks was like "Yeperoonies!!!" and Twilight was like, "Don't fucking do that, last time he was high he almost proved we're all imaginary creatures and we almost disappeared!"
Pinkie Pie laughed. "Oh, Twilight, you silly filly! We ARE imaginary creatures!"
And then they all disappeared.
Pinkie sold the rest of the crack to the duke and duchess of Maretonia.
Wherever the fuck that is.