“Alright,” Juice said. “Next question.
Dear brothers,
My SO and I have been dating for a while, and I’m finally going to be meeting his parents for Hearth Warming Eve. I’ve exchanged correspondence with them a little, and they seem like fine ponies.
My concern is… well… my cutie mark. It’s a single serpentine eye, lidless, wreathed in flame. Sometimes, ponies have sworn they thought it was following them, its gaze piercing cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh.
So, it’s an easily misunderstood mark, especially by ponies who don’t know me well.
I’ve tried covering my mark in the past. But cloaks are an imperfect solution, and makeup keeps burning off. And anyway, these ponies are his parents. I want them to know the real me, but I’m concerned my cutie mark might get in the way of that.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Randolph Carthorse (they/them).”
“...Okay,” Scraps said carefully. “So… two options here.”
“Yeah,” Ditto said.
“Either this pony is fucking with us, or, uh, well, they’re not fucking with us, and I don’t actually know which is worse.”
“You don’t?” Juice asked, arching his eyebrows at his brother. “You don’t think that maybe this pony having the fucking Eye of Sauron as their cutie mark might be a bigger issue than them trying to goof on us?”
“Listen, this is a very serious and respectable comedy advice show,” Scraps said. “We are an institution. If this clown thinks they can goof on us with this question, who knows what ponies will send in next?”
Ditto chuckled. “Hey brothers, what can I do to get more ponies to fall into my deadly butt-meat pie traps? Best wishes, Marecullay ‘Jigsaw’ Coltkin.”
“Ooh, callbacks,” Juice said. “I like it.”
“Okay, but seriously… we gotta assume this is legit, right?” Ditto asked. “If only because without that assumption, the entire premise of our show does fall apart. Gotta keep up the verisimilitude.”
“Do it for the vine,” Juice agreed.
Scraps held up a hoof. “For our human listeners, Juice is referring to the trend of ponies swinging on vines to do cool stunts and make goofs on them, a fad which swept the nation until very recently.”
“Aw, c’mon Scraps, these are big talking monkeys we’re dealing with,” Ditto said. “If anyone’s got a version of vine, it’d be them.”
“I just want to be inclusive,” Scraps said. “So, uh, the question.”
“Have you considered sunglasses?” Juice asked.
“Okay,” Ditto said. “I like this very much. How do you wear them on your flanks, though?”
“Uh…” Juice grimaced. “Wraparound. Wraparound sunglasses, like gamblers wear.”
“Oooh.” Scraps sucked in through his teeth. “See, I dunno about that. Having regular Sauron on your butt is already bad, but gambling Sauron? I don’t think your prospective in-laws are gonna be super psyched about that, either.”
“And Randolph did say they didn’t want to hide their mark, too,” Ditto added.
“Hm. Yeah, yeah, those are some points,” Juice said, nodding. “Uh, how ‘bout a monocle?”
“A monocle?” Ditto repeated.
“Yeah! It’s clear, so you can still see the cutie mark, and it’s a lot more fancy and cultured than wraparound shades.”
“Mmmm.” Scraps pursed his lips tight. “There’s still an element of deceit, there. And I don’t know if wearing a monocle on either side of your butt really screams ‘fancy and cultured’.”
“It’s definitely a step in the right direction,” Ditto said. “I do think that any clothes you put near your butt that doesn’t usually go around the butt area is going to be interpreted as a weird sex thing, probably.”
“...Yeah, probably,” Juice admitted. “Y’know, Randolph says this is an ‘easily misunderstood mark’? ‘Especially by ponies who don’t know me well’? And then they send this question to us, three idiots who never met them, without any description of what the mark actually means.”
“Mmmm.” Ditto nodded. “Yeah, y’all can’t skimp on the detail when it comes to this stuff. That knowledge seems like it might be very relevant to how we answer this question.”
“So, okay, options,” Scraps said. “Option one. This cutie mark is the mark of Sauron or Cthulhu or some other ancient terror who terribly misinterpreted the meaning of ‘hindsight’.”
“Option two,” Juice said.
There was a lengthy pause.
“Um…” Scraps said. “Reading… Lord of the Rings?”
“Writing fanfic about Lord of the Rings,” Ditto suggested.
“Paying attention,” Juice said. “With their ever-watchful butt eyes.”
Ditto clapped his hooves together. “They got eyes in the back of their head.”
“Practically literally,” Scraps agreed.
“Exactly! That’s a good parenting thing, right? You’re always keeping an eye on your kids, making sure they don’t get into trouble. Maybe you play that up, show them how much you care about their safety, show them how attentive you are.”
“I like it,” Juice said.
“It’s very good,” Scraps said. “I do have one question, though.”
“Shoot,” said Ditto.
“What if Randolph is thicc?”
There was a long pause. “...What?” Juice asked.
Scraps shrugged. “What if they’re thicc? What happens when they make it clap, is what I wanna know. Do they get dizzy?”
Ditto tried to reply, but couldn’t find the words.
“I mean, you would, wouldn’t you?” Scraps continued.
“Huh,” Juice said. “Huh. Well, huh, that certainly is a fucking stumper, Scraps.”
“Ia Ia Cthulhu Fh’tagn, I’m trying to infiltrate this ancient and eldritch temple, but I’m dummy thicc,” Ditto said. “And the clap of my ass cheeks is making my head spin with ancient runes and unknowable tentacle faces, isn’t it boys?”
Juice wheezed.
“They can back it up and shake it like a snowglobe, but they can’t stop it from chanting the dolorous praises of the unending one,” Scraps put in. “And another thing -- how far do those eyes see?”
“Uh, the letter says ‘its gaze piercing cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh’, so… I guess it could go forever.”
“Does it pierce clothes?” Ditto asked sharply. “We don't usually wear any, but like -- I’m not super chill about that.”
“Hey, yeah! Stop undressing me with your butt eyes, Randolph!” Scraps said indignantly.
“I mean, the letter specified that it also pierces flesh, so it’s not like it can see your junk,” Juice pointed out. “It can see… I guess it could see your bones?”
“Sees your bones, not your boner!” Ditto said.
“Okay, I’m glad we cleared that up,” Scraps said. “I was actually going somewhere else with it, though, ‘cause if it can see forever, can it wrap around and stare at Randolph’s other flank?”
“Well --” Ditto paused for a moment, frowning. “I’m gonna say no, because it pierces flesh. We just established that this eye cannot see Randolph’s juicy flanks at all, and that is its great tragedy.”
“Could an omnipotent being make a butt so thicc and juicy that even they could not shake it?” Juice asked philosophically.
“Yeah… uh, hey Randolph, if you are still listening after all this?” Scraps said, leaning into the microphone. “Just go and be yourself. If your coltfriend’s parents are cool, they won’t be bothered if your cutie mark looks a little scary. If they’re not cool, well, that sucks, but you don’t need their approval to love this dude.”
“Hell yeah,” Juice said. “If they get up on your case, you just look them square in the eye with one of your butt eyes --”
“Can it see eyes?” Ditto asked. “Are eyes flesh?”
“Eyes are jelly, Dit. Jelly and nerves,” Juice said firmly. “You meet them flank to eye, and you say, ‘I love your son, he loves me, and that’s all that matters.’ And then you turn around --”
“Which would involve turning to look at them with your face eyes,” Scraps pointed out.
“Well, you can close those. Anyway, you storm away and live happily ever after with your coltfriend in Mordor or wherever. You don’t have to prove yourself to these ponies, is what we’re saying.” Juice concluded this statement with a firm nod.
“...Huh. I think that might’ve actually been helpful, actionable advice,” Scraps said.
“Yeah. Guess that means we should wrap this show up, huh?” Juice said.
“Alright," Ditto said. "This has been My Brother My Brother and Me, thanks to John Rodeo and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. Are you boys ready for that final Yahooves?” Ditto asked.
“You know it,” Scraps said.
"Uh, for our -- for our new listeners," Juice said, waving for Ditto to hold on for a moment. "Every week on this show, we like to read out a final Yahooves question to really, y'know, cogitate on and turn over in our brains to come back to in our next episode."
"Right," Ditto said, poker face firmly in place.
"I just thought that the humans at home should get to know that," Juice said, holding back his chuckles. "For context."
“Alright. This final Yahooves comes from Gabby G., crusadin’ for glory, and it says,
Is unicorn horn ‘sensitive’?
And then, in parentheses,
(For Sex Stuff)?”
All three brothers broke down in paroxysms of laughter. "I -- I'm Juice McColtroy."
"I'm Scraps McColtroy!"
"I'm Ditto McColtroy, oh sweet Celestia..."
Juice leaned into the microphone, stifling his giggles just long enough to say, “This has been My Brother, My Brother, and Me, kiss your dad squuuuuaaaaare on the lips!”