“Are you boys ready for a Yahooves question?” Ditto asked.
“Ditto, I was born ready,” Juice said, composing himself.
“Okay. This question was sent in by Yahooves Mailpony Ditzy Doo, makin’ the rounds, and it was written by Yahooves user… nobody, because this service is a piece of actual toilet shit.” Ditto sighed. “Okay. By Yahooves user, uh… Stapler… McStapleson.”
“Ditto, did you just do the thing where you looked at your desk for a name and saw a stapler both times?” Scraps asked.
“No. I was looking at junk mail from Staples advertising their staplers.”
“Ahh.”
“Anyway, the headline is,I think I have been replaces by Changeling please help?"
"Oh boy."
"Oh, boy-see."
"I think I have been replaces by Changeling please help?
I have recently noticed that my behavior has been changing and I am habing hard time remembering names of friends and coworkers? Also craving sugar. Have I been replace by Changeling and if so how do I find where my body has been taken please help?"
“Okay…” Scraps said slowly.
“Okay,” Juice said. “So, one. This person has definitely been replaced by a changeling, yes?”
“Oh, absolutely,” Scraps said, nodding. “Absolutely.”
“So now what do they do about it?” Juice asked.
Ditto shrugged. “I mean, I guess the first step would be to turn yourself in to the changeling authorities.”
“Wait, I’m sorry, Ditto. Did you say turn yourself in... to the changeling authorities or turn yourself into the changeling authorities?” Scraps asked.
“You know, that’s a very good point. Clearly, this is a changeling already off the grid, breaking all the rules, so why would they stop now?” Ditto said. “They become King Thorax, take his throne, rule over all of the changelings and replace whoever they want.”
“Would a changeling know if a changeling had replaced another changeling?” Juice wondered.
There was a long pause. “I have so many questions now,” Scraps whispered.
“Right, okay, but getting back to the point,” Ditto began.
“Now that’s pretty off-brand for us,” Juice said.
Scraps shook his head. “You turn yourself in -- you surrender to the changeling authorities, and then they can take it from there, right?”
“Well… yeah,” Ditto said, rubbing his chin. “Unless…”
“Unless,” both of his brothers chorused, turning to look at him.
“Unless you’re a deep cover agent,” Ditto said.
“Ooooh,” Scraps said, nodding. “Super-secret super-spy.”
“Exactly. You’re in there so deep, even you don’t know what you’re doing,” Ditto said.
Juice stared off into the distance. “So… are we super-secret spies, then? Because -- let me tell you, boys, I never have any Celestia-damn clue what I’m doing.”
“Wait wait wait,” Ditto said, waving his hooves. “I don’t think -- I mean -- we’ve established that Celestia herself does actually listen to this show, yes?”
“I mean… yeah…” Juice trailed off, horrified. “Oh, shit. Oh, no. We’ve taken her name in vain… how many times on this program?”
“A lot,” Scraps said, his voice suddenly grim. “Like… a lot.”
They were silent for a long minute. “Well…” Scraps said slowly. “She wrote to us. And it’s not like she told us to stop--”
“Scraps, let me stop you right there, because what you’re implying is buck the fuck wild,” Ditto said. “Are you saying that Celestia enjoys our show not in spite of the fact that we use her name to swear about fifty times an episode, but because of it?”
“Well, maybe just ‘in spite of it’,” Scraps admitted. “But if it bothered her a lot, she’d definitely have mentioned it, right? Especially for the release of this special episode for the humans.”
“I… guess?” Juice said, tilting his head. “Fuck. I dunno. Maybe she likes the familiarity. Maybe she gets off on it.”
“JUICE!” Ditto shrieked. “NO! BAD JUICE. As we have established, not only is she the leader of our fuckin’ nation, she is also a listener.”
“Yeah. I mean, if she enjoys this show, who knows what else she’s into?”
Ditto took several deep breaths. “Okay. Okay. Getting back to the question before the angry sun goddess comes knocking on our door -- you know this is getting edited out, right? You know that.”
“Sure, sure,” Juice said.
“So, back to the question,” Scraps said. “I’ve had this different twist on it. I know we were saying this has to be an undercover sleeper agent for the secret changeling spy agency or whatever, but… what if it’s the other way around?”
“... You’re gonna need to clarify that one, Scraps,” Ditto said, leaning back in his chair.
“What if this was just some innocent changeling, walking along and going about their business, when suddenly -- BAM! They get kidnapped by this guy --”
“--The guy they’re impersonating?” Juice asked, perplexed.
“Exactly! And they put this poor changeling through a bunch of mental conditioning or whatever, give it a whole new identity.”
“Question asker’s identity,” Ditto said, still sounding a little unsure.
“Yes! So then the changeling replaces question asker -- becomes question asker -- and the original pony goes off to start a new life on the other side of the continent with their secret lover, leaving their family and friends none the wiser.”
“Like the Bourne Identity,” Juice said, nodding slowly.
“Exactly! Maybe. I’ve never seen the Bourne Identity.”
Juice’s face fell. “Me neither,” he admitted.
Ditto was nodding. “Okay. Okay, I like this,” he said. “I do have just one little tweak?”
“Oh, by all means!” Scraps said, gesturing for his brother to continue.
“This isn’t so much a permanent thing, it’s just that question asker has this really awkward social event coming up…”
“A company picnic,” Scraps said, nodding.
“Family reunion,” Juice suggested.
“Second cousin’s wedding!”
“Oh, man, you just know Great-Aunt Candelabra’s gonna be there and get all up on your jock about when you’re gonna get married…”
“Exactly, something like that,” Ditto said. “So now question asker -- original question asker, I mean. Man, this is getting hard to keep track of. Anyway, they’re so desperate to get out of it, they kidnap and/or hire and/or brainwash a changeling to impersonate them at second cousin Ticket’s wedding. They don’t gotta go, the changeling gets a nice meal out of it and maybe some money…”
“I think you might have just stumbled on the next great business venture of our era, Ditto,” Juice said. “You come up with a good name, and the three of us are set for life.”
“A temp agency,” Scraps said. “You could call it, uh…”
“Gotta think fast, boys. Best name gets the business,” Ditto said.
“Impersonators Incorporated,” Scraps tried. “Um, The Doppelgang.”
“Horse Copy,” Juice said. “Shit, wait, Copyhorse. Like a copycat, but a horse!”
“Doppelgang is strong,” Ditto said. “I feel like you boys might be focusing too much on the stand-in part and not the part where you avoid bad social interactions, maybe.”
“Stand-Ins is actually pretty strong…” Juice mused.
“Social Stand-Ins,” Scraps said firmly.
“Alright, that’ll do it,” Ditto said. “To the Scraps go the spoils.”
“Yay!” Scraps said. “Alright, I guess I’ll get the paperwork drawn up on an undercover changeling temp agency.”
“After the episode,” Juice said.
“Oh, certainly.”
“And we each get shares in the company, right?” Ditto asked. “It was all our idea.”
“Hmm..." Scraps pondered this. "Nope. You said whoever gets the name gets the business, and I got the name.”
Ditto frowned. “Well, you can be the CEO, but like… c’mon Scrapsy.”
“No, sorry, I’ve already let the fame and fortune of my position go to my head. I might do anything, now! I could… um, I could…”
“Go on,” Juice said, resting his chin on his hoof. “Imagine your most hedonistic desires. I’m honestly curious to know what they are.”
“I mean… I’m not a young stallion these days,” Scraps said. “So late night partying is out, I wanna go to bed at eight. I don’t wanna cheat on my wife, because she’s awesome, and I don’t wanna be a bad example for my daughter, either!”
“Aw, c’mon, Scraps, there’s gotta be something!” Ditto said.
“No, not really. All I can really think of is a bidet, and I’ve already got one of those. Maybe I could buy really stupidly expensive dice. Like, made out of gold or gems or whatever, and pull them out every time we play Ogres and Oubliettes for our other podcast.”
“That sounds cool and all, but you did mention bidets, and I’ve started this new rule where any time any of us mentions a bidet, we gotta change topics immediately,” Ditto said.
“But they’re so nice for your bottom!” Scraps said.
“Yeah, c’mon, Ditto. Bidets, ghosts, and shows from our childhoods that maybe half a dozen ponies still remember. Those are like the three pillars of our whole scene!”
“Nope. Movin’ on.”
“But--”
“Movin’ on.”