//------------------------------// // Clubbing Some Loons Part 1 // Story: She Drives Me Batty // by I Thought I Was Toast //------------------------------// It was like watching a train wreck and knowing I was only about to make things worse; there was pain, misery, agony, and fury before me as I walked towards the club sign up sheet. I couldn’t keep my wince on the inside, my facade cracking with every step. “Hoofball!” “Buckball!” “Hoofball!” “Buckball!” “Pawpass!” “Don’t bring your filthy abyssian copycat sports into this! Why would she do pawpass but not hoofball!” “Guys, chill!” Scoots’ feathers bristled from where she was standing with the rest of the wrestling team. “Bucking seriously? She’s right here, and you’re acting like morons.” No pony noticed me squirm, or—if they did—they didn’t act like it. I had to do this now before I lost my cool. Wrestling manticores? Easy. Disappointing all the ponies relying on me? I’d rather eat poison joke. “Hey.” Diamond leaned into me, tail entwining in mine. “I know that look. Don’t you bucking dare back down now. You need this. They need this. Everypony is gonna come out better if you go through with it.” “But, Diamond—” I bit my lip. “—just look at them. They need me.” “No, they only think they need you.” My marefriend gave me The Look as she tsked. “If anypony needs you it’s me, but you don’t see me fighting over you like a buffoon! It’s not healthy for them, and you know it. Besides, the point of joining a club is to have fun!” “Hey, I had fun!” My wing rustled as I pulled her closer. “Keyword is had, buster.” She jabbed me with a hoof, and I winced once more. “When was the last time you played a sport for fun?” “Uhhhhh…” My eyes passed from one team of jocks to another. “I don’t remember. Sometime last year? There were so many sports.” “Don’t lie to me.” My ears flattened as I was jabbed again. “Two years ago when I got that lucky touchdown in the hoofball finals. It was kinda hard to have fun after they passed over First Down to make me captain…. That entire play was his idea, and they just—” I took a deep breath, hissing in Diamond’s ear as I hid my shudder by nuzzling her. “Nightmother above, I hate being popular, Diamond. Just listen to them! They act like I’m all that, but we barely made it to playoffs last year!” A couple ponies were looking our way now as I clutched Diamond, but most of them just kept on squawking like a bunch of squabbling peacocks—all bluster and color and talk. “I know you do.” Diamond’s nuzzles were soft and warm; her ire was fuel for the fire, and I bit my lip as she snuggled into the crook of my neck extra scandalously. “That’s why this has to stop. I barely got to see you last year, and for what? A couple of playoff games that went nowhere? You work yourself to the bone enough as it is. If they can’t understand that, they don’t bucking deserve your help to begin with.” “Diamond…” I sighed. “What? Don’t tell me I’m wrong?” Sweet Nightmother, the only thing worse than The Look was her pout. “No, you’re right.” I quickly looked away as I bit my lip. “Let’s just get this over with.” The fighting continued as I stepped forward and picked up a pen in my mouth. Then it paused as I passed over the majority of sheets to sign my name on two that were definitely not going to have me bring the school any glory or fame. I blushed as the murmurs turned to silence as I passed the pen to Diamond, my fidgeting intensifying as she hrmmmed and hawwed and took her sweet time. “Diamond.” “What?” She giggled, finally swooping in to claim her usual spot on the chess and debate teams. “Can’t you just savor the moment?” “Not with the bloodlust behind us.” The murmurs were back and pounding in my ears as we retreated. “Swimming? Swimming?! No pony cares about the bucking swim team!” “She didn’t even sign up for the actual team! She joined the club! The club!” “Maybe that’s a good thing….” “The hay, dude?! It’s nothing but a waste!” “Uh, guys? We got more than that to worry about. Look at the other club she signed up for.” “She joined the fucking nerd herd?!” Fewmets. I flinched as the shout echoed out and down the halls for everypony to hear. My ears flattened and my head slumped as we rounded the corner, and I leaned into Diamond with a whimper. Even as she leaned back, she turned to glare over her shoulder with a huff. I let her pull me into the nearest fillies’ room, and we stopped there for a moment. Holding each other. Nuzzling. “You’re absolutely batty, you know that?” Diamond smirked, and my stomach fluttered in a completely different direction. “Now stop being an idiot, and don’t listen to them if it’s going to upset you. You hear me?” “Yes, princess. I hear you.” Idiot that I was, I couldn’t hold back the sniffles as I smiled. “And none of that, either.” Diamond paused her snuggles to slug me. “Not unless you want me to go out there and send them crying home like five year olds.” “I don’t think I need you to go all ice queen just yet.” I pulled her closer just in case. “Are you sure?” Diamond giggled as she rested her head in the crook of my neck. “Cause I’d go straight past ice queen to alpha bitch, just for you.” “Pfffft!” I snorted, finally pulling back to get my mane and coat in order. “Really? I thought I was the alpha here.” “In your dreams, maybe.” Sticking her tongue out, Diamond pranced away to do likewise—a miracle assortment of cosmetics and make up flying from her saddlebags as she promptly took over the mirror. What took me a minute at most took her… longer. And really, it was more like half a minute on my part. The other half was just cloud trimmings so Diamond wouldn’t think I was skimping. “You ready yet?” I walked up next to her and squinted at the mirror. “Almost. These things take time, noble knight.” “If you want me to walk you home, we gotta head out soon. I’m supposed to pick the twins up today.” “And we will. When I’m done.” Her brush work was light, gentle, and as slow as the Pink One’s molasses. I squinted harder. “You’ve put your blush on exactly like that three times now.” “Have I? You should know it’s been just a shade off each time by now.” Rolling my eyes, I booped her snoot with my hoof. “Hey! Niiiiiiight! Stop! Now I’ve got to start all over again!” “Do you?” I managed a grin. “You’re just as beautiful as you always are. Why tempt fate into ruining perfection?” Diamond’s eyes narrowed as she gave an imperious sniff. “Fine, we’ll go, but only if I get a minute to fix your mane.” Discord damn it. She was on to me. “Fine….” I sighed even as I smiled. “And thanks.” With head held high, I ventured forth and onto the battlefield the following morn. “It’s just another day.” I avoided the glares and focused on the smiles and waves. “It’s just another day. Don’t feed the fire—“ A deep breath. “—just let the embers smolder out.” I was the first to the usual tree today, so I sat back, relaxed as best I could, and pulled out the fancy rulebook Button Mash had given me for my birthday over the summer. Flipping past the basics, I browsed through the various armies with a furrowed brow. “Hey, Night! You ready for later today?” “As I can be.” I glanced up to see Sweetie approaching with her maybe-sort-of-coltfriend. “The far off, wartorn future is an incredibly grimdark and overly complicated place. How did the makers even come up with half of these rules and armies?” Button shrugged. “Griffish games are like that. Don’t tell me it’s too much for you?” “Hay, no.” I snorted. “But I’m surprised there’s enough daydwellers into it that you can regularly run it in games club.” “Hey! Unlike the sports teams, we don’t need to keep things small.” Button puffed out his chest. “The jockheads might mock us, but the games club is the largest club in school right now! We’ve got all kinds of stuff for all kinds of players!” “Well, ready or not, I’m looking forward to it.” I chuckled while glancing over the rules for changeling swarms. “I, uh… am probably gonna need some help, though. There’s a lot to keep track of.” “Pffft! It’s not that much compared to some other games.” Button waves his hoof. “All you really need to play is to know the core rules and the stuff for your own army. Getting the other armies just takes time, practice, and a few times crushing them under the iron hoof of your commander.” “Well, I bet my iron hoof will be more than enough.” With a smirk, I flexed a forehoof and waggled my brows hard enough to make Dad sneeze wherever he was—hopefully with witnesses and cameras. Button rolled his eyes even as Sweetie giggled. About par for the course. “Oh, I can’t wait to see you face off against Calculated. I might even sell tickets.” “Probably wouldn’t sell well with me being a rookie.” Grinning like a loon under moon, I cackled and did a little dance. “Screeheeheehaaheehee! It’s gonna be so great clawing my way up something again.” “Just remember to have fun this time.” Button smirked. “You even try to turn my club into a chore and I’ll kick your ass nine ways to Tartarus.” “Hah! I might just let you if it comes to that.” Glancing at the clocktower in the distance, I looked around to see if I could spot Diamond or the others. “Hey… uh… Night?” “Hey, First Down.” My ears fought not to wilt as I turned and smiled at big, bulky earth pony hesitantly lumbering closer. “What’s goin’ on?” “Nothing much.” He shuffled on his hooves, looking back at the rest of the varsity team as they glared. “I just wanted to… umm…” He sighed. “The team wants to know why you’re dumping them, and I don’t know what to say. Like, I get it. At least, I think I do, but you know what they’re like.” “Yeah, I do.” With a sigh, I kicked the ground. “I’m sorry, alright? But I can’t. I just can’t. It isn’t fun anymore.” I tried to muster a cocky grin. “You’ll do a better job than I did, anyways.” “Discord damn it, Night.” First shook his head. “You do know that’s a load of bull, right? We’re not idiots. Everypony knew you were asking me for advice. They didn’t pick you as captain for being the better player!” He sighed, looking back at the still glaring team. “What’s done is done, though. You think you have it in you to help out if we’re really in a pinch?” “I… don’t know.” I looked away from him. “Ask me later, after we’ve all had time to get used to this.” “That’s not what they’re gonna want to hear.” Rubbing his temple, First tsked. “But whatever, I told them that’d be your answer. Let me know if they give you any trouble, alright? And please, for the love of Celestia, try not to go full guard on them if they pick a fight. A few of them got it in their heads that you’ve gone soft.” “No promises.” My coat bristled as I growled and decided to glare back at the team for once. “I don’t start fights if I can avoid it, but I sure as hay always finish them.” “Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of.” With a chuckle, First shook his head and sighed. “See ya later, I guess. If you ever just wanna play for fun, though, let me know. My dad runs scrimmages just about every weekend in the park.” He held out his hoof for a hoofbump and managed a cocky grin. “I’ll think I’ll take you up on that.” I bumped his hoof with a smile. “Give me a few weeks and I’ll even get my folks in on it.” “Hah! That’d be great! My dad always says it’s a shame the Living Wall joined the guard instead of going pro.” First waved as he walked back towards the others. “See ya!” “See you.” I waved back and nodded, my gaze already roaming the school grounds now as I mulled over our little talk. “Oh, Niiii-iiiight!~” A pair of soft, hooficured hooves wrapped around me as I felt the familiar coolness of Diamond’s Tiara settle on my head. “Whatcha doing? I thought we agreed you weren’t gonna listen to those numbskulls anymore?” “Down, girl.” I giggled and turned my head to snag a peck on the lips. “That was just First Down. He’s cool with me leaving even if the rest of the guano guzzlers aren’t.” “Then what was he doing here?~” The hooves around my neck clutched a little tighter. “Inviting me to his Dad’s weekly scrimmage so I could have some actual fun, and making sure the rest of the team didn’t jump me by coming himself.” Shaking Diamond off, I booped her nose and waggled my brow. “Why? You jealous? I’m not gonna go back, princess. I promised.” Diamond tittered as she pulled back to settle in the shade next to Silver and Sweetie. “Oh, really? I don’t know. Sounds like I should be worried. Worried you made a date.” The titters erupted into laughter as I blushed and stammered. “Screep! I-I would never!” “Never, huh?” Diamond lidded her eyes. “I certainly remember a couple accidental mishaps over the years. Remember Truffle Shuffle?” “Truffle hoofmakes chocolates for everypony on Hearts and Hooves! How was I supposed to know they weren’t just more obligatory chocolates?!” “It’s easy.” Silver smirked as she adjusted her glasses. “What did he give everypony else?” With a snort, I puffed out my chest. “I don’t see what that has to do with—” “Bars, Night. He gave us all bars of milk chocolate. Boring, rectangular bars of normal not-truffle chocolate. What did he give you?” I squirmed. “A box of dark chocolate truffles with a mango caterpillar center?” “A heart-shaped box.” Silver lowered her glasses a touch to better glare at me, the hungry light of the sun catching on them not even half as intense as her dead fish eyes staring into my soul. “It was simple geometry, Night.” “Mrgmfff!” I kept wriggling like a green-faced, cowardly maggot as the girls giggled at my expense. “Aww, come here, Night.” Diamond patted the ground next to her. “We’re just teasing, jeeze. I know my knight in shadowed armor wouldn’t ever even think of looking at ponies other than me.” Then she kept going. “I mean, I’m the closest you’ll ever get to the sun anyway.”  I blushed blacker, but started to join my friends nonetheless. “So.” Sweetie was still fighting to stop giggling as she looked over the school grounds to where Button was currently chatting with the thinnest, most acne-ridden unicorn I had ever seen. “You really think you can manage that game of Button’s, Night? That book looks thicker than the one he made me go through when he insisted on getting me in his Ogres and Oubliettes group.” “Eh?” I shrugged. “It’s pretty precise as far as manuals go when it comes to the actual rules. The fluff to a lot of the stuff isn’t quite… accurate, though. I’ll be fine as long as I have the book on me. How’s things going with you two, anyways?” “Great, actually.” Sweetie beamed so bright I swore little heart shaped sparkles were glimmering in her eyes. “We finally ended that campaign with Lady Dawnstar and Sir Valor Heart the Third!” “He end up marrying you again?” I couldn’t help snickering. I tried; really, I did, but it was just so… “Yeah….” Sweetie grinned goofily. “That’s three generations of Valor Hearts in the bag! Next time we’re thinking of switching it up a bit, though. He wants to build a grand magus out of a wizard who’s got a focused specialization in illusion and a beguiller, so I’m gonna play Valor Heart the Fourth!” “Isn’t that gonna be weird, though?” I tilted my head to the side. “Three generations of firstborn sons being named the same I get, but why name a daughter Valor Heart the Fourth?” “I don’t think she plans on playing a filly, Night.” Diamond grinned as her tail entwined itself in mine. “Fillies do crazy things when in love with oblivious ponies.” “You would certainly know.” Silver snorted. “Seriously, though, Sweetie. Stop playing coy and just tell him you want more than a few quick dates at the Burger Princess every month.” “I can’t do that!” Sweetie reared her head back. “You’ve seen how awkward he is even at something as simple as the school dance! No, no… I’m fine with keeping the romance all make believe. Besides—” Her cheeks burned black as it was her turn to squirm. “—you guys don’t ever get to see how into it he gets on game night. When he gets in character, it’s just… magical…. It’s like I’m living a fairy tale.” “A fairy tale written by his mom.” Silver deadpanned just as the bell rang. A high-pitched squeak was all we got back as Sweetie managed to pull her sister’s couch from somewhere and faint. Diamond and I looked between the couch and Silver for a few moments as we giggled before quickly booping our snoots with one hoof. “Not it!” We chorused as Silver rolled her eyes and easily lifted the couch and its occupant on her back, steadily trotting into the school without a backward glance. This was going to be fun.