Pound and Pumpkin Tales 2

by Never2muchpinkie


11-4: Inner pain

As Nega and Twilight split apart she said, “Okay, then. Let’s go.”

Nega looked at the ground for a moment before looking back up and saying, “Twilight?’

“Yes?”

“I’m putting my trust in you… and in him.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“I’m giving him one chance to change throughout this adventure, but… I meant what I said, Twilight. I’m only giving him one.

"I’m not going to live with this pain forever. If Mayhem can’t make this pain stop then I’m going with my original plan.”

“Nega...”

His eyes faded out as he gazed into the distance. “I could never fight you after all you’ve done for me. I mean, Mayhem. But even if they’re not my memories I still love you like he does.

“If your duties propel you to act then that’s an acceptable outcome too. So if you have to destroy me to defend him that’s fine. That’s…” A few tears came down his eyes, and his voice came out shaky as he finished. “That’s another way to make the pain stop.”

Sympathetic tears came down her own eyes. She could recognize this part of Mayhem from the day of the superhero adventure. After he was brought back to his senses and his friends forgave him he couldn’t live with himself for what he had done. Initially he intended to remain inside Discord as a self-imposed imprisonment until Fluttershy talked him into staying in the real world to repent.

Over half a year had passed since that moment. Mayhem had made great strides in progress. Enough so that even the parents of all the children he harmed acknowledged it and ended their ban.

Mayhem had been so happy, learning all sorts of new things and making new friends. But, if Nega was like a reflection of all his darkness, and was similar to the Tantabus, then Mayhem still held considerable guilt deep in his subconscious. Nega casually saying he didn’t care if she wiped him out as long as he didn’t have to hurt anymore showed that he was still taking his life lightly.

Beneath all his joy was a child still suffering, even if he didn’t realize it himself. They might not have said it directly, but the parents had basically forgiven him. He had won over everyone who was angry at him. Everyone… except himself.

Twilight glanced over at Mayhem, her heart aching. ‘Mayhem,’ she thought sadly, ‘you still haven’t forgiven yourself for the past, have you? Even after everything you’ve accomplished since then it still hasn’t been enough to soothe your guilty conscience.’

If she looked at Nega’s words from before the reason for his guilt was clear. Easing boredom or being a sore loser were not good reasons to take a life, and he knew he had acted downright evil to his best friends.

Right after the game ended Flurry forgave him, and the others threw in their own forgiveness. Maybe that was part of the problem.

She had seen with Spring Meadow that her parents trying to spare her feelings by not scolding her for being the main cause of her brothers accident had the opposite effect. Because she was never punished for breaking the rules it led to feeling like she had gotten away with something. Her sense of justice couldn’t accept that, and since no one else would punish her she took to punishing herself in their steed.

‘Mayhem is probably the same. After his friends forgave him he tried to immediately punish himself by locking himself up to suffer.

‘I don’t know if it’s possible for Mayhem to actually die so long as Discord is around. When he uses up all his magic his consciousness simply resurfaces inside Discord. He’s certainly capable of feeling physical pain, but he’s never actually been attacked to the point of death. It’s possible that it would have the same effect as just running out of magic, or maybe it would be true death.

“In any case, it becomes clearer why Mayhem is being affected by Nega the way he is. A part of him feels he was never properly punished for what he did, so when the embodiment of his guilt goes on the attack he can’t bear to defend himself because he feels there is no defense for his actions and he deserves the pain.’

She bit her lip. ‘There is clearly a lot to unpack here, but for now…’ She looked down at Nega. ‘I think, for the time being, that I should keep this conversation and my revelations to myself. Things may have gone off course a bit to what was originally intended, but the circumstances involved haven’t. Today is supposed to be about Mayhem and Spring defeating Sombra to give themselves the mental strength to conquer their inner darkness.

‘Mayhem needs to see the truth with his own eyes and come to his own conclusions. A part of growing up is being able to face yourself. This is a little more literal than normal, but if Mayhem can’t figure out the source of his pain then he’ll never be able to overcome it.

‘For now I’ll just let things play out. Nega explicitly said that he was giving Mayhem a chance to prove himself… putting his trust in Mayhem. In that case I don’t think he’ll focus so exclusively on Mayhem as a target.

‘If Nega only responds negatively to Mayhem’s guilt and repressed feelings then I don’t think he’ll be set off too much. Mayhem is going to be focused on winning, and all his friends will lend him their hearts. If need be I’ll intervene, but as things now stand I don’t think I’ll need to.’

Her heart felt a bit heavy. It made her uneasy that Mayhem was still in the mindset that his life didn’t mean anything, even if it was buried deep down. She really hoped by the end of today that things worked out for the best for all of them.

For now, though, she had to address Nega. But… could she even do anything for the little draconequus? If he was truly linked to Mayhem’s negative feelings, like the Tantabus was to Luna’s, then the only way to truly make him feel better was to help Mayhem feel better.

She got a curious look on her face. ‘Well, they’re not completely linked. Nega might be bearing Mayhem’s buried feelings, but he also has a lot of Mayhem’s positive feelings. He still cares for the other children and adores me. He even cracked a joke about me not having a child yet just like my mom does.

‘Clearly, things are on a scale here. What direction the scale tips is going to be fully reliant on Mayhem and how he responds to this adventure.’

An unsettling thought came to her. If it came down to it… would she really be able to attack Nega? He had shown he was suffering deeply, and that his emotions were tied to Mayhem’s. He couldn’t really be held responsible for his behavior in that regard.

In the end, that question heavily relied on whether Nega could be contained. Just locking him up would do nothing. Mayhem had shown he was still fully conscious inside Discord, so locking up Nega wouldn’t soothe his feelings.

‘Maybe not,’ she thought, ‘but it would give us time for us to help Mayhem fight his guilt so that Nega wouldn’t hurt as much.'

After that, the only question was whether she could lock Nega up. Nega said that he could never fight her, but if he was in a blind rage he might not listen to her. Her alicorn powers combined with some of Discord’s chaos magic should make it possible to fight on par with him, but she really didn’t want it to come down to a battle when she thought things could be worked out peacefully. Combat was the last resort for when every other option was exhausted.

She picked Nega up, holding him close. He instinctively returned the gesture. “I know you’re in pain,” she said gently. “I’ve seen it so many times over the years, how our internal feelings can sometimes lead to us doing things we regret.

“But at the end of the day love remains. I don’t want to see you suffering, but I’m not the one who can take your pain away. That… I’m leaving to Mayhem and your friends.”

She gave him a minute, and then said, “I know you’re enjoying this hug. It may be helping you a little, but until you start the game and see the results of it you’ll never find the answer you seek.”

He squeezed tighter as she tried to pull him away. “N-not yet!” he cried out pitifully.

“I can understand why you want to hold off. Back when I proposed the wish-granting games Mayhem said that he didn’t always want to play the villain, and since you have a lot of his feelings it’s why you don’t want to play Sombra.

“However, until you take that step forward, until you push Mayhem, he’ll never grow. His feelings will continue to infect you, and you’ll remain in pain.”

“B-but being hugged also makes it hurt less. Once the game begins it’s just going to hurt more and more.”

“Like I said, being shown love may make things feel a little less heavy, but until Mayhem resolves his feelings it’s only a temporary relief.

“You’re probably right that playing your role will hurt, since it will feel like when Mayhem turned against his friends, but learning to grow up involves pain. And, once the pain is over, you’ll feel so much relief that the pain you felt will seem minor in comparison.

“If you truly believe in Mayhem and the others then you need to gather your courage and willingly walk into the pain, believing that at the end of this dark tunnel will be a brilliant light.”

He looked up at her, tears forming in his eyes. “I…I…” He took a deep breath. “I’ll try, Twilight.”

He nuzzled her. “I wish I could just stay in your hooves forever, but I guess I just have to face this.”

“You remember what I said before, right? About losing?”

He nodded. “Yeah… you said to give it all I had and not let him win.”

“If Mayhem can overcome this then I feel he’ll be ready to overcome his inner Sombra, and that in turn will make your inner pain go away.”

He groaned, then pulled away from her. “Can… can I still visit you for hugs when things feel too intense?”

She gave him a warm smile. “Yes, you can.”

“Well… I guess I’ve put it off as long as I can. Time to face myself.”