//------------------------------// // The Feeling You Get (continued) // Story: Mind Over Matter // by Boopy Doopy //------------------------------// “Are you sure that's what you want?” she asked me softly. Her hoof stayed on my cheek as she looked into my eyes, trying to read me. “You're pathetic, you know that?” my human mind told me. “You completely blew it, but got as lucky as you could possibly get. And now, you're blowing it again.” “I don’t feel lucky!” I snapped at it. “I feel itchy!” It paused at that, deciding on what to tell me, then asked, "Why are you so self destructive?" "I'm not-" "Yes you are," it interrupted. "You keep saying that you want to change, but have done absolutely nothing about it. You say that you didn't care before, but for that to be true, you have to care now." "I care! I've done everything I can to-" "No, you haven't. You've just been going along with whatever happens, hoping your circumstances will change by itself." "What am I supposed to do? Tell them that I'm a struggling addict in need of help?" "That would actually be a good start." "You were the one who told me to lie! You were the one who-". "No. Not you. We. I. I told myself to lie and be resistive. I tried to convince myself not to change." I closed my eyes. I knew that was true. My human mind and I were one and the same. I knew that I was the one trying to push myself into what was wrong for me. I also knew that I didn't care. I wanted to care. I tried to care. But I just couldn't, and I didn't know why. "So then ask her how," I told myself. "She's a psychologist. It's her job to help you. Besides, you clearly have deeper issues than just addiction." "Leo?" she asked, whispering. "Um…" I started, looking away. She stayed quiet, still looking at me, waiting for me to say what I wanted to say. "Your hoof is making me itchy," I told her. "Is it?" she continued to whisper, keeping it on my cheek. "She's doing it on purpose to break you down," I thought. "She wants you to talk about yourself. She's trying to help you. Stop resisting her." I closed my eyes and took deeper and deeper breaths, the tears that formed earlier starting to run down. "Just tell her what's bothering you," I thought. "Just let her help you." I sniffed, hating this itching, and finally whispered, "It's going to hurt me." "What's going to hurt you, Leo?". I hated doing this. I didn't want to tell her what I was feeling. I wanted to keep resisting, but I sucked it up and told her. "That medicine," I told her, a bit louder than before. "Why would it hurt you?" she asked softly. I clenched my teeth. "Why am I so against telling her?," I thought. "She's not going to be mad at me. She just wants to help me. Mandy probably had to do the exact same thing when her parents sent her to rehab, minus the fact that she wasn't five." "Do you take medicine when you don't need it?" "Yes," I said through my teeth and tears. "Does somepony else give it to you," she asked, "or do you take it on purpose?". I did not want to go through this. If I wanted to do this, I would have wished to see a therapist. I felt myself getting more upset. “On purpose!” I got out, frustrated. “Why would you do that, Leo?” Doctor Spark asked softly. “What’s that?” my pony body suddenly asked worriedly, looking towards the door, its ear twitching from something it heard outside. Doctor Spark towards the door, and we listened, hearing muffled yelling.  “He’s not even your son! He’s ours!” “We saved him! You let him run away and sleep on the sidewalk!” “We spent days looking for Leo! It’s not our fault he ran away!” “From what I hear, it was your fault!” My pony body out a combination of a gasp and a sob at their words. It hated knowing that it was the cause of their yelling, and whispered, “I’m sorry.” “It’s not your fault, okay?” she told me. “I’ll be back in just a minute, kiddo.” Herbal Essence and Thundertail walked out to see the slightly overweight, bright orange stallion, Lucky Day, and his older looking wife, Blue Mist, sitting in lobby chairs in front of Leo’s room. “Oh,” Lucky Day started, rolling his eyes. “So now a couple of bozo’s get to see Leo before we do?” “With all due respect, sir,” Thundertail started, “we were the ones who found Leo. You could, you know, thank us?” “Stop that, Thunder!” Herbal Essence told him. “They’re just upset that they can’t see him yet.” “You’re damn right I’m upset!” Lucky Day said loudly. “We spent days worrying about him, trying to find out where he was, and now that we found him we can’t even see him. But they let a couple of strangers just walk in and see him whenever they want?" "We're trying to keep him calm." "He’s not even your son! He’s ours!” “We saved him! You let him run away and sleep on the sidewalk!” “We spent days looking for Leo! It’s not our fault he ran away!” “From what I hear, it was your fault!” “What are you saying? That we neglect Leo? That we hit him?” “You do have the look of an abusive couple!” “Thundertail, stop that!” “What are you doing?” Doctor Spark asked aggressively in a hushed whisper, suddenly appearing before them. The four turned to look at her. “You’re yelling about him right in front of his room and making him scared!” “This guy,” Lucky Day said, pointing at Thundertail, “is saying that we hit Leo! That we abuse him! We wouldn’t do that to him!” “That’s not what I heard.” “We would never do that!" Lucky Day yelled, stamping his hoof angrily. "We would never lay a hoof on Leo!” “From the way he reacted to seeing you, I have a hard time believing that.” “Stop it!” Doctor Spark whispered loudly. She then turned to Thundertail. “You. Go home. You’re not seeing Leo today. The rest of you, sit in the lobby and be quiet before I send you home, too.” With a huff, she turned around and reentered the room to see a curled up, crying colt with his back to the door. “Leo,” Doctor Spark whispered, stroking his mane gently, “it’s going to be okay.” “They’re yelling because of me,” he sniffed. “All I do is mess things up.” “Don’t say that,” she tried to tell him. “It’s not your fault.” Leo stayed silent at that. “All I do is mess things up,” the colt thought. “I ruined my own life, and now I’m ruining this colt’s life, too.”