"This is stupid and unsanitary." Tirek mumbled through his full mouth.
"Less talking more chewing." Cozy Glow complained as she put a hooffull of gum into her mouth.
"If I wasn't so desperate to get out of here…" Tirek gripped but kept chewing the gum.
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"Alright maggots!" Tempest yelled to the assemblage of creatures. "Today is both the day you die and your new birthday! I will destroy the old you and build a warrior from the broken pieces! Today the old you dies and like a phoenix your be born anew! Hopefully into something actually useful to me."
Tempest began walking back and forth along the line of cadets about twenty in total. Mostly ponies but a few other creatures were sprinkled in. "Look to your left." She ordered. "Now right. Look in front and behind you." She let them glance about as she ordered. "All those people you looked at won't make the cut. The only way one of them will make it is if you don't make the cut instead. Lt. Grubber!" She called.
The hedgehog ran over saluting. "Yes Captain Tempest."
"Show the fresh meat what their prize of showing up today is. " Tempest said with a cruel smirk.
"Yes ma'am. Today you all get your very own rucksack filled with a bunch of sweet goodies from us to you." Grunber said pointing to a pile of bags and a pile of equipment.
"Let's get started worms. Go grab a bag from Lt. Grubber and I'll show you what all the fun toys a soldier gets to play with." Tempest watched as the cadets moved over to the bags and began to gather around the mountain of equipment.
Once everyone had a bag Tempest walked in front of the mountain of gear with a bag of her own. "You will carry your essentials yourself. Though desert and tundra, and everything in between the things I'm about to show you will be your constant companion." Tempest opened her bag and begam pulling things out.
"Food, dehydrated by magic so all you need is to add water to eat it. Water, to drink of course and to rehydrate your meals. Firestarters, I don't care if you're a unicorn and can make fire with your horn, you might be too drained to do it one day. Flashlights, again even for unicorns. Compass, first aid kit, and camping gear. This will include a sleeping bag, ax to cut wood and a shovel to clear the ground and dig latrines if we're going to be staying in a place for a while. Each of you will also carry pieces of a tent. Four of you to a tent so the tents will be split between four cadets." Tempest pointed to the equipment. "Get packed. Me and Lt. Grubber will be checking your bags to see if you fucked it up."
The cadets began moving to the equipment. Including a grumpy dragon. Garble stuffed his bag full of the stuff Tempest mentioned quickly filling it up. He was confident that a dragon like him would make all these ponies look like chumps. He reached to grab one of the tent pieces and ended up bumping his claw with a large hoof. "Hey, watch it."
An old yak laughed. "My most sincere apologies compatriot. I noticed that the poles are likely the most cumbersome part of the tent and that I'd capitalize on my additional girth and lessen the burden upon our smaller brethren."
Garble looked confused processing the verbose yak. "Wait are you calling me weak?"
"Oh no my good sir. In fact, I would say that despite my age me and you are likely the strongest here do to our inherent biology. We both should aid our fellow cadets by shouldering the heavier burden." The Yak said adjusting his glasses.
"Oh you mean these ponies and other creatures are way weaker than us." Garble said. "Why didn't you just say that. Names Garble by the way."
"A pleasure to make your acquaintance Mr. Garble. I am Horwitz, Historian to the Yaks. Or I was until I decided I'd rather experience history first hoof than read about it." Horwitz said.
"Hell yeah Gramps. We'll not just living history, we're making it. We get into this Friendship Knights thing and they'll be talking about us for hundreds of years as the very first of these dudes." Garble cheered.
"Indubitable." Horwitz concurred.
"Hey Old Man and Hot Head, less yapping and more packing!" Tempest said walking past the two.
Both saluted her. " Yes Captain Tempest Ma'am."
"You done Hot Head?" Tempest asked the dragon.
"Ma'am yes ma'am." Garble proudly saluted.
Tempest eyeballed the bulging sack. Garble had just shoved everything into it without any rhyme or reason. "You know I heard you can tell a lot about someone by how they pack. You know what your pack tells me about you?"
"No ma'am."
Tempest flipped Garble's pack upside down letting everything pour out onto the ground. "That you're a dumbass. Do it right this time. Pack it not cram it."
Eventually everyone had their bags packed. "Alright worms we are going to march from here to the training grounds where we'll do some P.T. which will soon become your favorite thing in the world. Move out!"
Tempest led the them while Grubber brought up the real herding any stragglers along. She marched them past Carousel Boutique, the town hall, Twilight's Castle and then to Sweet Apple Acres. She led them through the east orchard then to the town hall Twilight's castle, by Carousel Boutique then around Sugarcube corner. Next she took them by the castle, past the town hall, though the west orchard of Sweet Apple Acres. Afterward she led them under Rainbow's cloud home, around the Friendship School and back to the town hall.
Princess Skystar was exhausted by the second lap of the town. She caught up with the griffon in front of her. "Um hey. Is it just me or is Tempest lost?"
The griffon sighed. "No she's screwing with us on purpose. She's intentionally marching us in circles to wear us out and if we start to pick up the layout of the town we're defending that's a nice bonus."
Skystar huffed alongside the griffon. "Oh I guess that makes sense. Still how many more times do we have to snake through Ponyville?"
"I don't know. As many times as Captain Tempest wants I guess."
"Oh. Hey um my name is Princess Skystar, what's your name?" The young Hippogriff said.
"Nunya." The griffon said.
"Nunya. That's a unique name." The princess said.
"Yeah, Nunya Business." The griffon spat.
"Nice to meet you Nunya Business, I hope we can be friends." Skystar said smiling brightly.
The griffon sighed. "No you dork. I was messing with you. My name isn't Nunya Business, I was saying that… ugh nevermind. I'm Gilda."
"Oh. Nice to meet you Gilda. So you were messing with me because that's what friends do right? Little bit of light teasing." Skystar said.
"Yeah sure whatever" Gilda said. "So are you really a princess?"
"Well not like the princesses here where they're in charge but where I'm from princess means your the daughter of the person in charge. My mom is Queen Nova. She's the one in charge of the Hippogriffs." Skystar rambled.
"Yeah I know griffons have kings and queens too. Ponies just do it weird I guess." Gilda said. "Say kid, didn't Tempest Shadow like burn down your home? Why join up with her."
"I want to be more than just a princess. I want to make a difference. I know what it's like to feel helpless and afraid. I want to make sure no one else has to go through that." Skystar explained. "What about you?"
Gilda shrugged. "I heard it pays good. Griffons like getting paid."
Skystar laughed. "That's not the real reason Gilda."
"Nope, I'm just a normal selfish griffon trying to make some gold." Gilda said speeding up to get away from the princess.
Skystar caught up. "Don't worry Gilda you don't have to tell me if your not ready."
"Nothing to tell kid." Gilda said.
"I'm not a kid. I'm an adult." Skystar told them.
"You old enough to buy me liquor?" Gilda asked.
"Well... no. Can't you buy your own?" Skystar said pouting.
"I could but you're a princess. Figure I'd get you to pay, money bags." Gilda replied.
Skystar pouted even more. "First I wouldn't use the hippogriff's tax money on that. Secondly, I may not be allowed to drink but I can vote." Skystar finished proudly.
"So you're old enough to fuck?"
Skystar's eyes widened. "Well I mean… yes." She finished blushing.
Gilda looked the other girl up and down before shrugging. "Eh you'd have to get me drunk first. And you can't buy me a drink so as far as I'm concerned you're still a kid."
"Do you always judge others on how… sexy they are?" Skystar said blushing.
"Look kid there's only two types of adults in the world. Those who I can get drunk with or those I can have some fun with. Not to say I'm a slut. I have my fun but I'm awesome so anyone lucky enough to get with me has better be a ten out of ten." Gilda explained.
"So your pansexual?" Skystar asked.
Gilda shrugged. "I never bothered to label it, but if I see a nice piece of ass I go for it. What about you kid? What do you like to take home to warm your bed?"
Skystar gasped. "I don't know if that's an appropriate question."
Gilda laughed. "Of course it isn't. You're amongst soldiers now. From what I've seen the military is like ninety-nine percent inappropriate humor and one percent actual military shit."
"I don't know. I've never dated anyone." Skystar said quietly.
"Really? No sex? Skystar shook her head 'no'. "You ever kiss someone?" Another timid 'no'. "Damn we need to get you laid, tell you what I'll throw you a pity fuck. Or if you prefer we can go to Los Pegasus and hire you someone."
"What no! I would want my first time to be special." Skystar said.
Gilda shrugged. "Fine, fine. Just take my advice kid. I see a lot of folks waiting for just the right moment to pop their cherry but it's what you make it. It's fine to wait for the right pony just don't wait for the perfect time cause life's messy and you may never even get the chance. You may think you found the one but before you can take that plunge they up and leave you behind." Gilda said getting more emotional as she spoke.
"Wait, are you talking from experience? Was there someone you wanted to be with? Were they a pony? Because you specifically said 'the right pony' I think." Skystar rambled.
Gilda blushed. "What? No I don't get all mushy like that, just a thing I've seen. And I've never been with a pony they're all a bunch of dweebs and I don't fuck dweebs. No pony is awesome enough to get with me." Gilda said refusing to look up at the cloud home they were walking under.
A few ponies back a Changeling marched with a bored expression on his face. For Pharynx this was a walk in the park. This was all old hat to him after years of serving the hive. Yet here he was a veteran soldier having to prove himself alongside these useless rookies. The two directly behind him were driving him absolutely insane. A gray blonde mare and a green blond stallion.
"And that's when I knew I was destined for greater things. So no matter how much they begged I told them. 'Sorry but Princess Twilight needs the very best and that's me the one and only Zephyr Breeze." The stallion braged. "Rainbow Dash begged me not to join this thing because it was so dangerous but I knew that I couldn't turn away from my destiny."
"Oh You know Rainbow Dash. I help her out with the weather patrol sometimes. My name is Derpy." The mare said trying to make friendly conversation.
"That's right Muffins me and Dash have been in a relationship for years. She can be a bit clingy at times but I understand with as many mares that want me. "
"That's … neat. I don't think I've ever heard Dash mention you before oh and I said my name was Derpy but you called me Muffins. Which is an odd mistake to make. I mean I like Muffins but it's not all I like." Derpy complained.
"Classic Dash, too embarrassed to admit how much she loves me. I'm not surprised she didn't mention me to you Muffins. We've been dating for years. she chose me over this Griffon chick, Gilly or something." The idiot continued to brag.
Pharynx should just mind his business but he was bored. Plus that mare had been having to put up with his constant brags since they started marching. With his unique position in between a griffon that sounded like she might fit the bill. The changeling soldier say though her tough girl facade and saw the history she seemed to have with some pegasus. He decided to have some fun. He put some dragon and yak who seemed to have decided to lug all the heaviest equipment themselves and in the moment he was obscured shifted into the griffon. He wasn't sure how accurate it was but he figured hay-for-brains back there wouldn't recognize anyone but his own reflection.
He dropped back to them and pretended to just notice the stallion. "Zephyr!" He hissed in his new female griffon voice.
The stallion immediately stumbled. "Gilda! H-Hey how are you?" He asked, already starting to sweat.
"You son of a bitch!" Pharynx growled not really no anything about these two's history that he could use. Normally he'd study a target but there was something fun about the thrill of just bullshiting his way though a conversation.
"You um… not still made about me spreading rumors about you to try and drive a wedge between you and Dash are you?" Zephyr asked nervously.
Pharynx had to force back a smile at how easy this moron was making it. "I'm still a bit sore about that, yes."
Zephyr hopped out of the column of recruits. "You know now that I think about this I'm not sure this is the best place to make use of my many talents and skills. I'll just be on my way." And with that he ditched his pack and ran.
Pharynx laughed as he watched the stallion run. "Ha god I love fucking with guys like him." He said as he transformed back to his original look.
"Thank you Mr he was giving me a bit of a headache." Derpy said.
"No problem I was a few rows ahead and he was getting on my nerves. I'm Pharynx by the way." He told her.
"Derpy Hooves. Nice to meet you Mr. Pharynx." She said.
Pharynx watched the mare for a moment she wasn't even tired after their long walk. Her pack didn't even seem to slow her down and she seemed to mindlessly fall into step with him even though they weren't marching in sync yet she was smart to get used to it. She moved like a soldier but her eyes were too kind, maybe pony soldiers weren't as hardened as he was. After all, ponies weren't exactly known for invading other countries' capitals during weddings. Still he had to ask. "Do you have any military experience?"
Derpy laughed. "Not unless you count the postal service."
"Well I suppose I can give you partial credit for that. Us changelings have a legend about a mail courier who was shot in the head over a poker chip and ended up changing the fate of the region." Pharynx told her. "Anyway the reason I asked was because most of these creatures are huffing like fish out of water while you seem like you can do this all day."
"Well I am a single mom so I have to have a lot of energy." She told him with a friendly smile.
Pharynx nodded. "How many children?"
"Two daughters, Sparkler and Dinky." Derpy said.
"Are you doing this for them?"
"Everything I do is for my kids." Derpy said immediately. "You are very interested in my kids."
"My apologies if I overstepped." He apologized.
"No just pointing it out. Do you have any kids of your own."
"No I have a brother who I helped raise but no children of my own." He said.
"Do you want kids, because it sounds like you kinda do."
Pharynx didn't say anything at first they walked in silence for a while before he spoke. "I don't know if I'd be a good father."
"I said the same thing when I was pregnant with Sparkler. I was young and scared and a lot of ponies said I couldn't do it. I'm clumsy and I was scared I'd drop her or something. Some ponies said I should give her up to someone more… capable." She stared at the ground. "I thought about it, seriously thought about it. But on the day she was born I knew I wanted to be there for her. I think that as long as you're willing to put in the effort it works out."
Pharynx thought about it. "So just… be there for them? That's all?"
"Yeah. But you have to really be there not just be set dressing. When they get hurt kiss their booboos. When they come home with a broken heart be there for them to cry on. When they succeed at something they were struggling with be there to congratulate them. You'll already love them and the love will shine through on its own." Derpy advised.
"I think I can do that." Pharynx said.
"Tell you what you want a quick trail run you can always babysit Dinky. I love her but she can be a hooful."
"I think I may take you up on that Derpy." He said smiling at the mare.
Finally the group of tired soldiers were lead into the hoofball field outside the school of friendship after the tenth time they passed it. "Alright maggots! After that quick trip let's get started with the real workout!" Tempest Shadow called out.
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"...Hormone magic. Hormel magic? What is it just the magic of beans? Horn magic bingo!" Twilight Sparkle said levitating the book off the bookshelf. "Right next to…" Twilight blushed seeing the next book titled 'Horny Magic'. The purple mare looked around before snatching that off the shelf as well.
She began pouring over the book before coming across a passage that sounded promising. 'Horn attachment'. She settled into her favorite nock to read and began her research.
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"It's perfect!" Cozy Glow cheered. Looking in a small puddle of water at her reflection. Her face a bit dirty from a few weeks spent in pony hell but still smiling when she saw It stuck to her head with chewing gum. A top her head contrasting her pinkish coat was a mulberry horn.