//------------------------------//
// The Equestrian Dream and Ponk Journalism 
// Story: Kitchen Nightmares: Equestrian Misadventures 
// by Spettro138 
//------------------------------//

"We somewhere around Barstool, on the edge of the desert when the sugars began to take hold..." Pinkie said to no one in particular. "With reins in my hooves and a deluxe two hoof long hard candy stick in between my teeth, I was living the good life."

Every hour of the trip, for some unknown reason, Pinkie felt obligated to vocally narrate as if she were reading out a book in exquisite detail.

She had taken her hooves off the chariot reins as the pegasi guards swerved to and fro, shouting back at the mare and struggling to maintain control. Pinkie had pulled out a bag full of candied apples to gorge into. The bright, hot sky went dark and the crazy pink mare turned her head up to see a scattering dark cloud rapidly approaching.

"Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge vampire fruit bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the chariot, which was flying 100 miles an hour with the top down towards Las Pegasus. And a Scottish voice right next to me was screaming:"

"HOLY JESUS! WHERE THE FUCK DID THESE DAMN ANIMALS COME FROM?"

"WHY DIDN'T WE BRING FLUTTERSHY?"

"YA AIN'T GETTING MY SPECIAL APPLES YOU BUCKING VARMITS!"

A few knocks, thumps, and flashes happened in the blink of an eye, making the mare question if the bats were really there at all.

Then she heard nothing. Pinkie's rainbow-maned partner in the passenger seat acted as if nothing happened, glugged down another cider, and poured the rest on her fuzzy cyan chest to facilitate the tanning process. Her own tropical shirt was hanging open to breathe out as she leaned back.

"What the heck are you guys all yelling about? I'm trying to get some sleep," she muttered, staring up at Celestia's sun with her official wraparound Wonderbolt sunglasses. 

"Nevermind, it's your turn to drive," Pinkie said weirdly seriously.

Much to the dismay of the exhausted Pegasi guards pulling the chariot, Pinkie grabbed ahold of the reins and aimed their Great Red Eagle; as she called it towards the desert ground.

'No point in worrying about those Fruit Bats,' Pinkie thought. 'They'll be back soon enough.'

"Mind if I take over girls?" Applejack asked nervously. "I don't think it's a good idea for Rainbow to be driving, you drive...too slow...yeah that's it. Too slow. We got to make it to Las Pegasus soon for that Chocolate Mint 500 thingy, don't we?

It was almost noon, and they still had another hundred miles to go through harsh desert terrain and the heat of the sun. They would be tough miles. Gordon and Twilight were awake the whole time as they rode along, trying to cater to Pinkie's every need and humor her strange behavior this time. Twilight loved her pink friend dearly but questioned her judgment on
occasion. This was certainly one of those times. As the chariot landed and came to a dragging stop, Pinkie hopped out and trotted to the back where the trunk was mounted to the back. 

With a solid whack with her hoof on the lid, the trunk opened with a clunk and she lifted the hood to reveal the wretched contents within.

"The Ponyville Gazette gave me 300 bits, most of which had already been spent on dangerous goods," the earth pony stated to the unseen audience. "Many of which I bought ahead of time back on Earth. Two bags of Crabgrass, a hundred boxes of Warheads, five sheets of high-powered candy buttons, a salt shaker full of Uncle Roger MSG, and a whole dimension of multi-colored laughers, uppers, downers, moaners, screechers...and a roll of toilet paper. And also, a quart of Apple Wine, a quart of Hard Root Beer, a case of Zap Apple Cider, a bit of marescaline (should probably throw that out), a pint of Cloudsdale Rainbow Ether, and two dozen of Zecora's Hyorogan."

"I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear most of that," Twilight groaned. "I just know the Princesses are gonna be mad at me by the time we get back.

Rainbow Dash hopped out of the van and came to look when Pinkie mentioned the last item on her list. Twilight and Gordon began to worry when they saw how panicky the pegasi's face was.

Pinkie didn't really need all of that strange stuff for the assignment, but once she got locked into a serious collection of that nature, her tendency was to push it as far as she could.

"The only thing that worries me is the Rainbow Ether," Pinkie announced. "There is nothing in this world more helpless and depraved than a mare in the depths of a Rainbow Ether binge. You and me Dashie will both get into that rotten stuff pretty soon."

"How did you get ahold of that?" Rainbow asked as her irises shrunk. "I could get in a lot of trouble with the Rainbow Factory if I'm seen with this Pinkie. Spitfire would have my hide."

"Fleet Foot owed me a freebie after I salvaged her Mom's birthday."

She grabbed her tape recorder and the microphone attached to it with her mouth and swapped seats with Applejack, sitting her right next to Twilight and Gordon. Those two were sitting comfortably, trying to enjoy themselves, despite the heat and their party friend's manic behavior. Gordon tried to calm his nerves by playing a few familiar songs off of his phone. He was rather fond of 80s and 90's rock and pop and had a rather extensive playlist already downloaded onto his phone. His efforts seemed to work as Twilight listened along as well. Soon she began to calm down a bit more in spite of Pinkie's ramblings.

Applejack gladly took over driving the chariot's reins, and despite not being a flyer herself, maintained a good rhythm on the road. The music Gordon played had something of a calming effect on her too despite its pounding and electric melodies on some of the songs. A constant speed was good for the pegasi guards. Avoiding those quick bursts of acceleration that dragged blood to the back of those poor stallion's skulls.

Suddenly, a glowing, sparking circle appeared out of nowhere. Cutting and flashing the ground below them as a dark environment appeared within the circle, and a figure stepped out. A young stallion with a familiar color scheme and an equally familiar brown-colored mane cut. He had an innocent, rather timid look about him, but there was still something strong about him beneath that vulnerable exterior. On his back, he was wearing a battered, dirty old backpack that looked like it had been through a few fights. Something red and blue was stuffed into the backpack just out of sight. Rainbow had noticed the colt before anyone else did as she tipped down her sunglasses and peered over the chariot. She tried to focus on his flank to see what his cutie mark was, but it was covered up by a pair of pony slacks.

"Let's give that kid a lift," she said nonchalantly. 

"Hm?" Twilight asked.

Before she and Gordon could see the sparking circle the colt stepped out of, it disappeared. She only saw a poor, unsure-looking colt looking very lost in the middle of the desert.

"I wonder how he ended up out here?" Gordon asked aloud.

"We can't stop here! This is bug pony country!"

Before anyone could mount a counterargument, Applejack had once again landed the chariot right by the poor colt. He looked a little confused at first and uncertain about his next decision but soon started galloping up to the chariot with a big grin on his face.

"Hey everyone! I'm a little...lost I think? A friend of mine dropped me off here by accident."

"Is that right? Are you alright?" Applejack asked. "You ain't hurt or nothing are you?"

The colt awkwardly looked at himself and patted himself down, making Applejack smirk.

'Hot damn, this guy is built like me, but he's innocent as a choir boy,' the farmer giggled internally.

It was true as whoever this colt was, he clearly had impressively defined muscles that rippled through his whole body despite his boyish personality and face.

"I don't think so!"

"Hop in!" Twilight exclaimed welcomingly. "We'll get you into town and get you some help!"

"Thank you! I've never ridden in a chariot before!"

"That right? Well here's a good start for something!" Applejack replied.

The colt hopped into the chariot beside Pinkie in the back seat as Applejack took off once again. Hot, dry wind whipped past them as the chariot picked up speed. Leaning into the colt, she turned her head and stared at him with a look the colt couldn't read. 

"We're your friends kid, we aren't like those other ones," Pinkie said. "Those media buzzards need to show respect. Allow me to admire the shape of your skull."

'Celestia, she's gone off the deep end,' Applejack thought.

"No more of that weird talk or I'll throw you in with the leeches!" the farmer threatened.

"Leeches?" Gordon asked reluctantly.

"I sell them on the side to hospitals and potion masters like Zecora. Froggy Bottom Bog has a whole lot of them!"

Pinkie grinned, seeming to understand, and went silent as she slumped back into her seat. Gordon and Twilight tried to lighten the mood by introducing themselves. The colt seemed to recognize Gordon, but not Twilight strangely enough. 

How long could she maintain? Everypony wondered. How long before Pinkie started raving and jabbering at the boy? This same lonely desert was the last known home of Chrysalis and her brood before her most recent invasion of Canterlot. Will the aura of the place get to the colt when Pinkie started screaming about vampire fruit bats and flying manta rays coming down on the car?

'If he's some interdimensional superhero, it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'll draw over some kind of fascist organization with an obsession for green and tentacled skulls. They'll run us down like Diamond Dogs! Luna Criminy! Did I just say that out loud? Or was I just thinking it? Was I talking, did they hear me?'


Pinkie turned over to Applejack and the others, but they seemed oblivious to the mad ramblings of her mind. Trying their best to make pleasant conversation and appreciate the desert ecosystem, as well as they, could in the mid-day heat. 

'Maybe I should try chatting with this cutie to lighten the mood.' Pinkie thought. 'If I explain things, maybe he'll rest easier.'

Pinkie leaned over and flashed the stallion another friendly smile.

"There are a few things you should probably understand about what we are doing," she offered. "You can hear me can ya hot stuff?" 

"Uh, sure. Yeah, I hear you," he replied courteously.

"That's good, we're on our way to show up some old frienemies and an upstart fatso trying to ruin the Equestrian Dream, that's why we ordered up this chariot. Can you grasp that?"

He was sweating, and clearly nervous at the mare's odd behavior, but he remained as polite as possible, nodding in agreement.

"This is a very dangerous assignment...with undertones of food poisoning and risk to personal hygiene."

Pinkie recounted how it all began 24 hours earlier after she had given her outlandish explanation of their next Hotel Hell assignment in Equestria. It was during lunch at the newly renovated Butter Mellow Inn and Hotel where the duo just listened to Pinkie as best as they could. Twilight took a risk, despite every bone in her body telling her to ignore Pinkie's strange demands. Pinkie accompanied Twilight and Gordon back to Canterlot on a quick jaunt to the Royal Rental Chariot Agency. The poor sales manager nearly had a heart attack after the earth pony nearly squashed a mare crossing the road trying to drive the chariot fifty miles per hour in reverse. In the event that things went south fast, like they seemed to always do, Twilight had called up the Princesses to loan them a Pegasi guard escort to drive their chariot. Then after they invited Rainbow and Applejack, the mare took a dip in the nearby lake, pondering the many wild machinations of her mind.

"Don't listen to her," Twilight grumbled loudly. "We're just doing a legal evaluation of the hotel and if they refuse to meet our standards, we are closing it. THAT'S IT!"

Pinkie tried offering a cider to the colt who declined, and then tried offering him the ether, but only confused him even further.

"We're on a mission to uncover the complications of consumerism and the crooked ponies who take advantage of it," Pinkie continued.

She pulled out a Gameboy Advance SP and popped a cartridge inside, somehow being able to play perfectly despite the complete lack of fingers. It was labeled Princess Promenade and for whatever indecipherable reason, made Pinkie angry to the deepest depths of her being.

"Like for instance, have we deteriorated to the level of dumb beasts when Hasbro can't even make a good pony game?!" she shrieked. "The best generation of the entire franchise and its G3 and G5 that get the games? We WERE going to Las Pegasus to croak some Elvis impersonating scag, but now I want to croak someone in Hasbro. A generation filled with fighting evil creatures, magic, literal missions across countless unique environments, and they couldn't come up with something?!!!!"

"We aren't croaking anyone you crazy mare!" Applejack exclaimed annoyed. "We're just getting him out of the picture!"

Applejack covered her snout with both hooves, realizing that didn't sound much better. Her hooves were off of the reins, sending the pegasus guards in a swerving panic once again. Twilight had to stabilize their movement with her telekinetic grasp. 

The colt finally having had enough of what was going on, jumped out of the chariot, willing to take his chances with gravity rather than those mares. Rainbow turned around and saw the colt swinging off by a shiny rope as a portal opened up and he disappeared inside.

"Hey Pink! You scared off Spidermane!"

Her eyes lit up.

"Holy taffy! That was Spidermane? Twilight, that was your interdimensional hubby!" 

"I'm sure it was Pinkie," Twilight sarcastically groaned.

"Can we please get across this desert and to our destination WITHOUT killing anyone and abusing illegal substances?" Gordon pleaded. "I'm sure glad Spike took the train with Jay."

Soon enough, the western Equestrian coast was within view as the desert gave way once again to terrain that was eerily similar to that of California. They came into several surrounding towns and villages that made up the majority of Las Pegasus. Then after another fifty miles, they finally came to the ocean. Hovering over the ocean water, several large island-sized clouds floated above the ground, somehow holding up an entire pony city filled with crazy monuments, casinos, resorts, and amusement parks. It was quite a sight to behold for Gordon. The rest of the ponies however just wanted to get this job over with as soon as possible.

"Let's just find those damn twins before I lose my mind," Applejack grumbled. "I have to apologize to you Twilight. Fluttershy and I technically fixed the friendship issue here last time, but we only stopped Gladmane. Flim and Flam just took over where he left off."

"That's alright Applejack. You had no way of knowing what they were going to do or any way to actually stop them. Now though I have jurisdiction to arrest them if they cause any trouble for us."

Next Time: Hotel Hell- Fear and Loathing part 1