//------------------------------//
// Anyway You Slice It 
// Story: The Wandering Physicist Adventures 
// by WanderingPhysicist 
//------------------------------//

Main Characters: Twilight, Lyra, Bon Bon
Cameos: TWP, Spike, Carrot Top, Berryshine Punch, Derpy, Rainbow Dash
Original Start Date: August 7, 2012





        ‘That is the stupidest, most pig-headed thing you have ever said!’ Bon Bon shouts.
        ‘That is how it has always been! You are stupid and wrong!’ Lyra shouts back.
        The couple butts heads and growls. Both are furious with the other.
        ‘That is not something I am having in my house,’ Bon Bon snarls.
        ‘Fine! Then I will take it where it is appreciated!’
        Lyra storms to her study and starts packing a few belongings, including her laptop and lyre. Bon Bon glares as her wife goes to the front door.
        ‘I can’t believe you would ask me to do such a thing,’ the confectioner snorts.
        ‘Maybe if you were more open-minded you might just enjoy it,’ Lyra retorts.
        The unicorn stomps out of the house and magically slams the door behind her.

        A loud pounding fills Golden Oaks Library. Twilight grumbles as she drags herself downstairs to answer the door. She is surprised to see who is standing on the other side.
        Lyra grabs Twilight in a big hug and sobs, ‘The stupid wife kicked me out. I need a place to stay.’
        Twilight tries forcing herself free. ‘Can’t you bug somepony else?’
        ‘It has to be you! You are the one only one who understands me. We have a sacred bond that cannot be broken.’
        ‘Ugh. Fine. You can stay in the guest room for now. But you can’t stay for too long, okay?’
        Lyra squeezes Twilight extra tight. ‘Thank you! I knew you would understand! You are the best friend I ever had!’
        ‘We’re friends?’ Twilight groans.

        Twilight reluctantly heads for breakfast. She needs a large cup of coffee. When she reaches the kitchen, her attempts to convince herself that last night was a nightmare are shot. Lyra and Spike sit at the kitchen table eating a large breakfast. A third place has been set, but Lyra is levitating items from that plate to hers. The diners look up at the new arrival.
        ‘Morning, Twilight!’ Spike greets.
        ‘Hey, roomie!’ Lyra says, spraying particles over the remains of Twilight’s breakfast.
        The young princess just sighs and goes to the coffee pot. She tries pouring a cup but nothing comes out.
        ‘Sorry,’ Lyra apologizes. ‘Big test today. I need all of the energy I can get to keep up with the kids.’
        ‘You could have saved me ONE cup.’
        ‘Don’t worry, Twilight,’ Spike assures. ‘I started another pot. It should be ready in a few minutes.’
        Twilight sits and calculates how much her schedule has been delayed by lack of coffee, which is also impairing her maths skill. She looks at the now-empty plate before her then up at the unicorn finishing the last piece of toast.
        ‘This is so much better than when that moron makes it,’ Lyra moans. ‘Spike, you’re hired.’
        ‘Ah, it is nothing special.’
        ‘A well-made breakfast is key to getting a great start to the day. Now, I know how Twilight can be so amazing. She has a great dragon supporting her.’
        ‘Ah, go on.’
        ‘Oh! I would love to, but I have to rush.’ Lyra gets up. She gives Spike a kiss on the cheek. ‘Thanks for making me lunch, too. Glad to see Twilight trained you so well. Catch ya later!’
        The teacher gallops out of the library before she is late for class. Twilight snorts as her guest leaves. She looks down at her empty plate and growls. Hopefully Lyra will be leaving soon.

        Bon Bon sets a box of candies in front of a customer. The stallion thanks her, lifts the box under a wing and trots out of the store. The mare turns to look around her store. One other pony is there. Carrot Top is having a hard time picking her treat.
        ‘I know I always say this, but it all looks so good,’ the gardener comments.
        ‘Take as much time as you need. I have plenty of treats in stock.’
        ‘I noticed. You have a lot more than you usually have.’
        ‘Well, I didn’t have some idiot interrupting me and trying to steal tastes of my wares all morning.’
        ‘Wait.’ Carrot Top looks up. ‘Were you talking about Lyra?’
        ‘Right. I don’t have to worry about her until she comes to her senses.’
        ‘Did something happen?’
        ‘We had a fight. She is totally wrong and stupid. She left, and I am just waiting for her to come crawling back and admitting she is wrong about everything.’
        ‘Wow. Must have been some fight. Even after you found out about her stalking habits, you didn’t seem this upset.’
        Bon Bon growls. ‘She crossed a line that can never be uncrossed. She suggested things... Things I cannot say in polite company... Horrible things she wanted me to do... Disturbing things she has done in the past... I... I don’t...’
        Carrot Top reaches across the counter and puts a hoof on her friend’s shoulder. ‘It is okay. You don’t have to talk about it.’
        ‘Thank you...’ Bon Bon looks up with a smile. ‘So, what do you want? On the house since you are such an understanding friend.’

        ‘WASSUP!’ Lyra calls as she bursts into the library, forelegs thrown in the air.
        The unicorn is greeted by book to the face.
        ‘This is a library!’ Twilight shouts back.
        Rainbow Dash roars with laughter at the mages’ behaviour.
        ‘Sheesh. Sorry,’ Lyra groans as she comes over and sits with the friends. ‘How’s it going, roomie?’
        ‘You’re just a guest,’ Twilight snorts. ‘Anyway, my day has been fine. Rainbow and I were just catching up on our reading together.’
        ‘Just got Daring Do and the Changeling’s Treasure,’ Dash says. ‘Gonna be up all night with the first read.’
        ‘I hear that Full Moon’s first album really syncs up with that story,’ Lyra comments.
        Twilight rolls her eyes. ‘How did your big test go?’
        ‘I still need to analyze the results, but I am pretty sure he is not really a donkey disguised as a griffin disguised as a pony.’
        Twilight slams her face into the book in front of her.
        ‘Whoa. Disguise-seption.’ Dash is awed.
        ‘I know. Freaky.’
        ‘Did you at least do any teaching?’ Twilight moans.
        Lyra stares at the other unicorn blankly for a moment. ‘Oh! Sure. I guess. We just started a new semester so we’ve mostly been goofing off.’
        ‘Always a good lesson plan,’ Dash agrees.
        ‘You know, you are in a library,’ Twilight hints. ‘You could look up music history or study different musical styles to teach your students.’
        Lyra glances over towards the music section. She starts scanning the books. ‘Out of date. Out of date. Dead wrong. No informational value. Out of date. Out of date. That one is almost right. Out of date.’ She starts laughing as she levitates a book from the shelf. She takes a deep breath. ‘No.’ She drops the book in a bin.
        Twilight growls as she puts the book back on the shelf. ‘That book happens to be...’
        ‘The worst book on music ever,’ Lyra interrupts. ‘He misattributes the sources, mixes up the artists and their genres, fails to give any citation to back up the outlandish claims he makes and misspells half of the non-pony artists’ names. The only reason it got published is because he was a major composer and friends with the publisher. Independant reviews ripped it to shreds, but all but one mainstream reviewer gave it high to moderate praise. You have the most recent addition and that is four years old since the facts are finally catching up to it. If you are going to keep it, at least put it in fiction.’
        Twilight glares across the table at her guest. She rises and storms out of the room to her laboratory, slamming the door behind her.
        ‘Whoa. Nopony has ever corrected Twilight on anything that comes to books,’ Dash gapes.
        Lyra blinks and stares at the laboratory door. ‘When’s dinner? I’m starved!’

        ‘Honey! I’m home!’ Bon Bon calls as she enters her home.
        The silence falls hard around the mare.
        ‘Oh. Right.’ She turns her nose up. ‘I am still correct. Serves her right.’
        The silent house does not reply.
        Bon Bon goes to the phone and dials a number. ‘Carrot Top? It’s Bon Bon. Want to do something tonight?’

        A loud crash causes Twilight to jolt upright in bed. She checks a nearby clock and sees she has only been asleep for about three hours. The groggy alicorn gets out of bed and trots from her room to investigate. She passes a still-sleeping Spike on her way. Another loud crash draws her to the kitchen. She slowly opens the door only to scream and duck as a knife flies at her head. The remaining contents of a drawer crash on the floor as Lyra climbs on the counter.
        ‘Morning, sleepy head,’ Lyra greets.
        ‘Lyra, it is five-thirty in the morning,’ Twilight growls. ‘What are you doing up?’
        ‘In both the physical location and mental state sense, looking for candy.’
        ‘We don’t have any candy.’
        ‘I’ll say. All I found hidden up here was a small stack of rubies and a crumpled picture of Rarity from our trip to my place out west.’
        Twilight groans at the realization that her guest found one of Spike’s private stashes. ‘Lyra, go to bed.’
        ‘But I need my sugar fix. I always need a sugar fix at this time of day.’
        ‘Then go home.’
        ‘Never! She wronged me, Twilight! The only way I am leaving is if she comes crawling on her hands and knees!’
        ‘What?’
        ‘Hooves and knees! Whatever!’ The upset unicorn looks away and snorts. ‘Hey, you’re a nerd. Where do you keep the soda?’
        ‘Where do you think?’ Twilight grumbles. ‘And get off the counter!’
        Lyra looks at the refrigerator then at the floor. ‘Can you clean up? I don’t want to step on something sharp.’
        ‘You have magic...’
        ‘Yeah, but you’re the host. Come on, roomie. For me?’
        Twilight turns and shudders. She trots back to her room to try to get more sleep.

        Bon Bon gallops around her shop. Boxes of candy are stacked on all of the shelves and counters to the point of overflowing. A stallion looks at one of the boxes on display.
        ‘Is this for your fillyfriend? Coltfriend?’ Bon Bon asks, as she appears next to him. ‘I have the perfect gift for all occasions.’
        ‘Uh, fillyfriend. Sh-she really likes your shop.’
        ‘Splendid! Good thing we are having a two-for-one sale right now.’ The mare shoves two boxes of candy in the stallion’s hooves. ‘Oh, make it three-for-one. I like the cut of your jib.’
        ‘My what?’
        ‘So, will that be cash or credit or do you wish to make another purchase? We have plenty of candy for all tastes.’
        ‘Um... This will be enough.’
        The stallion sets the candy in his saddlebag and gallops from the shop. A purple mare with a deep purple mane watches the stallion pass as she trots into the store. A tray of candy is instantly shoved in her face.
        ‘Free sample!’ Bon Bon demands.
        ‘Uh... Make enough?’ Berry Punch asks.
        ‘Sorry. I’ve just been overstocked for some reason.’
        ‘Is it because..?’
        ‘No! It has nothing to do with her! Not a Celestia damned thing!’
        ‘Sorry. I only mention it because you usually blame your low stocks on...’
        ‘Say her name, and I am not letting you out with less than one box of candy.’
        Berry laughs and backs away. ‘Actually, I was going to invite you out for drinks later. Help get your mind of...’
        Bon Bon gallops into the back of the store. She returns moments later with her saddlebag and a hat. ‘Let’s roll!’
        ‘Uh... It is only three in the afternoon.’
        ‘Then it is five o’clock somewhere!’
        Berry sighs and follows the determined mare to the local saloon.

        ‘LYRA IN THE HOUSE!’
        A large book slams into the face the excited unicorn.
        ‘This is still a library!’ Twilight shouts.
        Beside the angry librarian, Rainbow Dash roars with laughter. Twilight snorts at her friend as she wipes the face print from her book.
        Lyra rubs her sore nose. ‘How’s it hangin’, Dash?’
        ‘Doin’ great, Lyra. How about you?’
        ‘Kickin’ ass and takin’ names. Whatcha doing here?’
        ‘Post-read research. Ever since my birthday, I’ve been checking the facts to see what they left out.’
        ‘Why don’t you just ask her when she is in town?’
        Rainbow Dash blushes. ‘Well, um, I’m sorta embarrassed around her, given our history.’
        ‘Oh? Why is that?’
        ‘We, uh, sorta hooked up.’
        A massive grin spreads across Lyra’s face. ‘When was this?’ A book is levitated in front of her face. ‘Daring Do and The Enigmatic Scientist? The cheesy love story?’
        ‘It apparently took place between chapters three and four,’ Twilight grumbles, ‘while she was trying to steal my coltfriend, too...’
        ‘Uh huh,’ Lyra nods as she jots notes. ‘Tried to steal one or two times or constantly? Are we talking AJ-style romantic crush or a full-on Mrs Wanderer?’
        ‘Well, she did walk in on him in the shower...’ Dash comments.
        Twilight levitates the pad away from Lyra. ‘Where the hell are you getting your details?’
        ‘I did hang out with her only about week ago.’
        ‘Wait! He showed her his mobile and harassed Celestia!’ Twilight turns to Dash. ‘Rainbow! Why didn’t you tell us?’
        ‘I told you all the good parts.’ She looks past her friend to the guest. ‘My parts might need a “Mature” tag. … And an “Epic” tag.’
        Twilight drops the pad, groans and trots away.
        Lyra picks up her pad and looks after the other unicorn. ‘Hey, roomie! When’s dinner?’

        Bon Bon groans as she rests her head on the bar. She stares at the light refracting through the drink in front of her. A purple hoof lands beside her while an orange one strokes down her back.
        ‘There, there. It’s okay,’ Carrot Top coos.
        ‘Can’t believe she would suggest something like that,’ Berry moans.
        ‘Hic! Is it a Canterlot thing?’ Bon Bon asks. ‘I know it is not an unicorn thing. Minni was never like that. Hic!’
        ‘Might be,’ Berry agrees. ‘They just think we farmers here in Ponyville will submit to their odd whims. Disgusting.’
        ‘It is not that bad.’ Carrot Top shugs. Her friends gasp in shock and horror. ‘What? You never tried it? Excuse me for being open-minded and trying new things once and awhile.’
        ‘Wh-wh-hic-what was it like?’
        ‘It is a little unusual at first, but you get used to it,’ the gardener explains. ‘I like to try it sometimes when I need a change from the way things are usually done.’
        ‘No way!’ Berry declares. ‘It goes against nature. I will not live in an Equestria where that is an option for my Pinchy! I am raising her right, and I already taught her the proper way of doing that.’
        ‘You taught her, hic, already?’ Bon Bon gasps. ‘But she is so young.’
        ‘I don’t want her to be unprepared.’
        ‘What if one of her friends tells her otherwise?’ Carrot Top asks. ‘You can’t control other children.’
        Berry snorts. ‘With all of the educational information I have given her, she will be doing it the correct way, no matter what outside influences she gets.’
        ‘Let’s hope she keeps the old ways sacred...’
        ‘Bartender!’ Bon Bon calls. ‘Another round!’

        Twilight trots home after a day out with her friends. She is not going to question how the Cutie Mark Crusaders unleashed an Elder God that required uniting the Elements of Harmony in order to seal it in its eternal prison once more. She is just going to make a cup of tea, get a strawberry fruit bar and take a nice warm bath. That is, until she opens the door to the library to find Lyra hard at work in the main room. Twilight tries to make herself as quiet as possible, but her adventure earlier has left her drained and unable to teleport or fly. Lyra looks up at the sound of the opening door and immediately beseeches her host.
        ‘Twilight! Something terrible has happened!’ the unicorn sobs. ‘You are the only pony who can save the day. Otherwise the whole universe is doomed!’
        ‘Did you break a string on your lyre?’ the exhausted mare groans.
        ‘WORSE!’ Lyra levitates over a stack of papers. ‘I need you to proofread my latest story.’
        As she imagines going back in time and using a certain unicorn as bait instead of having Rainbow Dash pull off several maneuvers more complicated than a lifetime of Wonderbolts shows, Twilight sighs, sits down and starts going through Lyra’s story. She gets out a pen and starts making notes and correcting spelling and grammar, taking pleasure in seeing her annoying guest flinch at every correction. A few pages in, the proofreader catches something amiss. She starts flipping back and forth through the story, trying to catch something in the plot.
        Twilight lets out a shocked gasp. ‘This is about the day last week when Applejack called James out to the farm!’
        ‘Yeah. I think I am going to title it “A Wild Hayride”. What do you think?’
        Twilight starts throwing papers all over the library as she tears through the story. She growls and shoves part of the manuscript in Lyra’s face. ‘Did she really seduce him like that?’
        Lyra scans the paper. ‘More or less. You just have to ponify it a bit. Hands to hooves. Wiggle her butt to waggle her tail. Breasts to...’
        ‘Enough! How could she? I thought...’
        ‘Get to the next page,’ Lyra giggles. ‘It gets better.’
        Twilight groans and flips the page. Her jaw drops in shock. ‘Apple Bloom shows up!’
        The unicorn barely holds back a laugh. ‘Just wait until you read their excuses for what they were doing. And I thought Rei gave Sweetie Belle bad information.’ She shrugs. ‘At least it is better than the third one. I have no idea where she gets her ideas. She is as bad as that “DashIs1337” character.’
        Twilight marches past, her mane blazing.
        ‘Where’re ya goin’, roomie?’
        ‘Just going to give my PFF and coltfriend a piece of my mind.’
        ‘Oh. Okay. Can it wait until after dinner? I’m starved!’
        Twilight slowly turns to face her guest. The furious princess really wishes she were facing another Elder God at this moment.

        Dinky Hooves munches on a large chocolate treat. She looks up at her mother and smiles. Derpy smiles at her daughter as she eats a chocolate-coated chocolate muffin.
        ‘Mommy, why is Miss Bon Bon visiting?’
        Derpy looks over at her friend who is currently digging through their DVD collection. ‘Miss Bon Bon is going through a tough time right now,’ she explains. ‘We’re keeping her company so she doesn’t feel lonely.’
        ‘Hey! Let’s watch all of the Daring Do movies!’
        ‘That might take a bit too long...’
        Bon Bon holds up a DVD case. ‘You know she lives here, right? Daring. Mr Wanderer brought her here. She runs the Neighponese shop with Rei now...’
        ‘Miss Bon Bon, are you okay?’ Dinky asks.
        ‘The idiot told me that before we fought. She is so good at finding secrets...’
        Derpy pats her friend on the back. ‘It is okay. You can always make peace with her again.’
        Bon Bon whimpers and looks down at the movie.

        Twilight wakes in the middle of the night. She just wants a peaceful night after her crazy day. Now she feels as if something is amiss. Her fears are confirmed when a lime green foreleg wraps around her neck. A muzzle kisses Twilight’s cheek.
        ‘Uh, Lyra?’
        ‘Don’t worry, Sweets. It will all be over soon,’ the sleeping unicorn coos.
        Lyra’s horn glows. A ball of magic forms. Slowly, it forms five small appendages and moves under the covers. Twilight shrieks and casts a spell. There is a loud crash, and Lyra screams as she is thrown through the nearest window.

        The sleep-deprived and frustrated Twilight Sparkle stalks through town to find her target. The citizens of Ponyville recognize the look on her face and know to stay out of her way. The beleaguered princess eventually reaches her target: a sweet shop with three wrapped candies on the sign. She bucks open the door and steps in, only to be buried under a rain of chocolates.
        ‘Sorry!’ Bon Bon calls from the back of the shop. ‘We’re a little overstocked right now. Feel free to sample as much as you want until you are ready to make a purchase. Don’t forget to pick up your free boxes of chocolate on your way in and out.’
        ‘Why don’t you just make less chocolate?’ Twilight grumbles as she picks herself up, chocolate staining her coat and feathers.
        ‘I’ve tried... It is just so hard after being used to making this much for so long. Anyway, how can I help...’ Bon Bon recognizes her visitor. ‘You!’ She turns her nose up. ‘I have nothing to say to her.’
        ‘Could have fooled me. You have a chocolate problem, and I have a problem with somepony tearing my library apart looking for chocolate.’
        ‘I don’t see how those are related.’
        ‘Last night she tried...’
        ‘The hand?’ Bon Bon blushes. ‘The feel of it as it runs over your coat, tracing all of your curves... Probing. Exploring. The magic is so tingly against the...’
        ‘Bon Bon! I am one day away from using the Elements to give her the Nightmare Moon treatment. What do I have to do to get you to take your wife back?’
        The older mare breaks from her fantasy and glares at the younger one. ‘Hmph! I know of your bizarre habits. You two are made for each other.’
        ‘I have no idea what that means but if you have a problem with me negotiating your reconciliation, perhaps I can find a neutral party.’
        ‘I’m listening...’

        Lyra and Bon Bon glare at each other from across the library. Twilight sits between them and levitates a notepad ready for stenography. At the entrance, Spike clears his throat.
        ‘Hear ye, hear ye. The court of Golden Oaks Library is now in session -- the Honorable Physicist presiding.’
        James enters the building and gives Spike a brohoof. ‘Good on ya, sir.’
        ‘Back at ya, homie.’
        James crosses the room and sits with the mares. ‘So, what do we got? I am ready for anything.’
        ‘Lyra and Bon Bon are fighting and need an impartial mediator to settle the dispute,’ Twilight explains.
        ‘Sounds good. As you know, I am a physicist, thus I can solve any problem. Lay it on me.’
        The two fighting mares look at their mediator then glare at each other.
        ‘She cuts her sandwiches lengthwise!’ Lyra shouts, pointing an accusatory hoof.
        Bon Bon gasps. ‘At least I am not a freak who cuts them diagonally!’
        James looks between the two parties. ‘Really? That is it?’
        ‘No, no,’ Twilight interrupts. ‘Sandwiches should be cut diagonally.’
        ‘Not that lecture again,’ Spike groans.
        ‘See! That is why she is not allowed to mediate,’ Bon Bon snorts. ‘She is instantly on your side.’
        ‘Like your weird friends are any better,’ Lyra growls back. ‘Pfft. Lengthwise.’
        James stands and trots away. ‘That’s it. I’m out of here.’
        ‘Well, how do you cut your sandwiches?’ Twilight asks.
        ‘I don’t!’ James shouts back before marching out of the room.





Unrelated Bonus Scene Needed for Future Continuity