I’m waking up. This feels like an awakening. How could I have been so blind when this horror – perhaps one of the most terrifying truths of all time – was right in front of me this whole time ? My insignificant life was exactly that – insignificant, meaningless. My eyes were veiled by my own life, by its own little preoccupations, its small accomplishments, and its useless feelings. For those are mere insects in comparison to… what I’ll never dare pronounce, even in my own head. No, I don’t want to think about it. It’s not there ! It’s not there !
Oh, but it’s there. Always looming over me, it’s there. I have faced so much misery, villains and foes, bad outcomes from poor life decisions – and yet nothing compares. I am now wondering what was the point in ever being happy, having friends by my side : they can not help me. They can’t help me anymore. I don’t deserve the title of Princess of Friendship. It is pointless. Everything is pointless. To be more specific, this title doesn’t belong to me. Nothing is our own property. It – IT – takes everything, it controls us from beginning to end. I am scared. Sweet Celestia, I am so scared. I can still feel it. It won’t go away.
Oh, sweet past ! I remember the bliss of ignorance. Foals were created to know nothing about anything. Why couldn’t I just stay a foal ? A little filly, wanting to read books, to be left alone and learn, learn, learn ! That was my only mistake, the only one I have actually kept from all those years : the will, the need to learn more, to have a knowledge that could be compared to the wisest of hermits or the most perceptual of gods. And now here I am, wishing to go back, to not know anything anymore, to be but an empty shell inside such a dreadful world !
I feel like repeating myself. I might be going insane. In front of unexplainable oddities, insanity has always been a natural answer. We call it insanity, but this should just be called protection. Maybe even salvation.
It was a fine day. Well, maybe not. I was already feeling my stomach churning and this weird feeling of heat overpowering my body. I believe I was shaking as well. It was already coming. This sort-of epiphany (realising what was happening to me) didn’t come after a long and difficult session of studying in the middle of the night, as it usually does – it is ludicrous to think epiphanies come from nothing. This is rather learned in a more unorthodox way : no books involved, and nothing can prepare you for what is coming for me, and what is coming for you too. It’s so sudden it crushes you beneath its hooves.
So while I was waking up with this frightful force, I also remembered that I had some matters to attend to today. After all, a princess could not avoid supid expectations from ponies without any faces. Administration was a major part of those, although I guess I could get some help for that from Spike or Starlight or whoever else was bored enough to fill some papers, scratch some notes and check squares where it was needed so somepony inside the Canterlot castle could be satisfied enough to not send a letter full of complaints and a wish for investigation over my home, just to be sure everything was in order. This clear invasion of privacy happened more than once, unfortunately.
Of course, friendship duties were to be added in the to-do list of this day. Even if they don’t come, it is best to sometimes leave a blank space, or to at least be ready for anything happening, from the little jealousy crisis to the need of saving the world once again, for what would be the ten-thousandth time. This kind of responsibility always arrives unexpected, nevertheless they are to be expected at some point, thus the necessary planning. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me. This is just becoming a routine, honestly. Why does everything always go wrong ?
None of this matters anymore anyway. How foolish I was. Greater mysteries are unbelievably more important than just what is seen by our eyes. Our sight is full of filters, and who knows what deeper meaning there is of what we do. But I know now. Yes I know. The point is to keep ourselves from staring at what lies right in front of us. Look away from the obvious. Don’t look.
I was succeeding at doing it, like everypony else. Well, mostly everypony. Crazy ponies must get it too. They understand what is going on. They stare at it every single day of our miserable lives. However, because of my morbid curiosity, I can see it too. I’d already seen it before, in the corner of my vision, a few times, but a glimpse is not enough once you notice it. It was never enough for me. I needed details. And I found them.
That is why I felt this way this morning : the full consequences of my actions came gradually. Like I already said, at first it was only sweating and nausea ; then came the shaking ; then finally came the sensation of being watched. This often comes when you are alone, with a very distinctive lack of sound : you can not help but look around to be sure there is nopony following you, or watching you from a distance. You think that most of the time, you are just imagining things. But that’s real. We are just flies totally oblivious of the fact that there is a spider rubbing two of its paws which can’t wait to digest you. As for myself, I have not only let it rejoice, but I also let it spinning its web all around me. Now I’m stuck, scared and most likely alone to face the monster.
Actually, I think the process that I was going through already started when I was sleeping. I had a dream, I know it, but it is impossible for me to recall what it was about. I don’t think it is too far-fetched to wonder if this was indeed the beginning, the starting point. The irony of the fact that everything that is happening to me – all that I perceive now – could’ve only been a dream is laughable. But I can’t laugh. This is real. This is almost too real.
Chills up my spine were too common throughout the morning. Ragged breaths didn’t comfort me either. My body was instinctly reacting, like a prey trying to run away from a predator. My vision was a bit hazy too, everything was unclear. I am the kind of pony to enjoy handling every single part of my surroundings. Here, I wasn’t even in control of my own body. I was a spectator of my own life at this point.
This entire morning was spent staying in my room, scavenging with my mind any traces of unnatural presences. What made it worse is that the only unnatural thing, as far as I could see, was my own face.
You see, a mirror is placed in front of my bed, at the opposite wall of the chamber. The chamber in itself is rather mundane, and some might even say that the furniture may be lacking a bit – at least, for a chamber that has to be suited for a Princess. Plain was enough for Twilight Sparkle, but apparently not for Princess Twilight Sparkle. A canopy bed in the same colour as my coat – Rarity’s choice, not mine –, a nightstand and some dressers is sufficient to me. Well, a study table of some kind and a few bookshelves filled with essays from the greatest authors of the past always completed my room when I was younger, but since I now have my own personal library that is literally a few doors away from there, this didn’t feel necessary at the time. Maybe I should have at least kept some books, after all. It was a surprise in itself to me that I woke up in my bed instead of in a chair, head first into an open book. Funny how even the unconscious was capable, and willing, to make your day worse. I couldn’t keep myself busy with anything, and thoughts of what awaited me were crawling into my head. It was unsettling, how my imagination decided to play with me, even more than it did. It was there, I knew it now. It couldn’t hide itself anymore, and I couldn’t hide myself anymore.
Where was I ? Oh yes, the mirror. You see, I have no idea why I keep it. I mean, sure, I may have copied Starlight’s method at first, which consists of putting your friends’ pictures on every side of the frame and looking at them for several fictional hours, remembering old stories with them or making up new ones, as you hope those friendships will last forever, even though you just know this won’t happen. Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. It also was a way to improve your self-confidence, at least for a short time. No matter how ridiculous Spike’s narcissistic daydream is, that still helps him. A lot. So I also started doing that. Not exactly the same routine as he does, of course, but I prefer talking to myself using encouraging words, like ‘This day is going to be a good day’ and all this rather mundane and unoriginal speech. I don’t know if this actually helps at reassuring myself, or rather if it helps me putting only a mask of wholesomeness.
Still, I couldn’t give any reason to myself for putting the glass right in front of me while I attempt to sleep. Rarity already expressed her opinions to me, telling me that it is something that Discord could’ve done with his own room, but she didn’t expect me of all ponies to do that. Albeit she exaggerated a bit in her choice of words, I understood what she wanted to say to me; this didn’t make any sense to her. In a way, it still doesn’t to me. Still, I hadn’t bothered removing it or anything. It’s still there. And at the darkest parts of the night I spend questioning everything and think about the day after, the only thing I see is myself.
I may talk to myself during those times. Sometimes.
What a horrendous sight. The unkept mane wasn’t anything new, my several-but-extremely-rare psychotic episodes gave me enough experience of that, but anypony could see that the rest of my body wasn’t much better. I didn’t take care of myself for quite some time. When was the last time I have taken a shower ? I can’t bear the idea of closing my eyes, even for just a moment, while sprays of water ran through me, all over my body, through my closed eyes. It hurts. I don’t know why, but it hurts. And I didn’t want to see it when I would reopen them. Because it would be there. It would.
My eyes were heavy from all the bags it wore. I could see it through them.
Run. Hide. Celestia. I looked at me – at it – for way too long.
At last, I finally found a way to get out of bed. It wasn’t easy. A piercing glare was following me. I was petrified – figuratively, of course, since I was able to move. I can not even describe what I was seeing; I’d rather not reminisce myself of the dark form with mysterious, appalling and almost appealing powers. If I try to analyse my situation, I think I’d go insane.
I never get how I manage to move around in my castle without getting lost. That never happened to me once. And I couldn’t explain that with the magic of friendship. The magic of friendship…
Friendship can’t save me now. Any sort of magic can’t save me.
I suppose I have a good sense of orientation. Anyway, it only took me a few minutes to go to the kitchen. My next action was to prepare something to extinguish my hunger. I believe it was a sandwich of some sort. I can’t even remember. It is interesting how we forget the most uninteresting stuff. Maybe we shouldn’t. They make the biggest part of our lives after all, the meaningless things.
The breakfast looked like any breakfast anypony has ever done. And I am not kidding or even supposing, I’ve done my researches. I still don’t get how there can be so many books about breakfast habits of ponies. Well, I must have found around three or four books about it, but that’s still three or four too much. I know what it’s like to learn absolutely everything with books, I have accomplished it. It has been a mistake. I really should’ve learned how to live by looking.
Because now, all I can look at is…
It has begun to fill more and more place in the room and in my head. Will it ever stop ? I don’t think so. It won’t stop. It can’t stop. In a way, it has to be there. To remind you. To remind you…
The loneliness of the moment has to make it grow. This is just unexplainable. It doesn’t make any sense. Discord hasn’t got a thing to do with it, mind you. No, it is beyond chaos, it follows its own laws. I’d rather argue it brings order. I just feel like it is here to make us follow its orders, its own little game, yet it isn’t even the slightest sadistic. Is it really there to make us suffer ? Did it really mean to give me – to give anyone – this sensation of despair ? I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
I feel like repeating myself.
Perhaps it needs to be there. Yes, it surely does. This can not be created without a reason. If anything is meaningless, then everything is. That is what I believe. Most possibly because I must’ve read that at some point from some famous writer, so that must be true. Who was it again ? I ended up reading so much, I forgot important details, like the minds behind the words. Wait, no, they’re not details, they’re the very reason books exist.
Maybe some things are meaningless, after all.
Where was I going with that ?
Oh yes, I was eating breakfast. I was deafened by the silence. It was quiet, obviously, talking in an empty room is not a habit of mine. While I’m having breakfast, I should add. On other occasions that includes full-blown panic attacks, that’s another story. I often heard the idea that quietness equals peace. It is observed as a simple equation, yet it is so wrong. This is the kind of mistake that Fluttershy would do, I think. With all the love I have for her, her calmness and her moments of quiet are what scares me the most, out of all the shenanigans my best friends could do. Ever heard of the « too quiet » cliché ? Yeah. That was basically it right at this moment. The silence was screaming its will to explode into a cacophony of noises, screams of terror mixed with whimpers of fear and despair, along with laughter. Laughter of relief, knowing that it would be all over soon. You know, the kind of laughter that comes after a stressful event, that helps you getting better ? I don’t have much time left. No one has. I know it, because it is here. It follows me.
It was at this point that Spike made his « impressive » - for lack of a better word - entry into the kitchen. It’s a shame, because I hadn’t finished my meal. It ended up on the floor following an abrupt movement made by yours truly. I feel like an explanation for my sudden act isn’t necessary. I was a bit unnerved, to say the least. No matter the pain I was going through while chewing whatever I had – why can’t I remember it ? - I was getting used to it. Used to see it as well. Its majestic view which only deserved respect (but not admiration), its horrid smell, its sounds of silence. It petrified me. It was beautiful. The mere fact of seeing something alive broke this real daydream. I was upset albeit irrational, but the definition of rationality has changed for me overnight, so being unreasonable was the least of my concerns.
He seemed excited about something. Unfortunately, it wasn’t contagious. His way of talking showed his eagerness ; he couldn’t wait for something, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was. Disappointment showed through his face when I only replied with brief and simple words, unwilling to come along his road and deciding to stay in my own dark-filled path. Yet, he isn’t one to give up easily. I know him too well at this point. What put him in this overjoyed state ? Couldn’t he see it too ? Wait, no, Twilight. You should never wish that somepony ever sees it – especially your closest friend.
I never told him he was my closest friend.
…
That is of no importance. Words do not matter. As long as you show and prove your love everyday, saying it doesn’t change much. I showed it everyday. I did show it. And it was exactly like saying it. I was basically yelling it. I swear to Celestia I was.
…
At that specific moment, I admired him. He was so happy. He had no idea of his surroundings. I did. He was the light temporarily blinding me, only for it to come back, although it never disappeared. It is always there, even if we don’t see it. Even if he doesn’t see it. I pitied him. Poor guy. He had no idea of his surroundings. What if one day, he sees it ? Don’t be foolish; He will see it. Everypony meets its gaze at some point. I didn’t want to think about it.
So, during my inner conflicts between two evils - awe and pity – Spike was talking to me. So far, nothing was unusual. The glistening in his eyes were a tad rarer though. A shallow breath due to exhaustion also was a sight to behold. He must’ve been running to get to me. He wasn’t much of a runner. He really wanted to speak to me, that’s for sure. I definitely wasn’t in the mood for glistening eyes or sounds of panting though. I already saw and heard enough of those in my nightmares.
He urged me on to follow him. To be honest, I did it reluctantly. I just felt so drained. Drained by whatever monstrous actions it was doing to me. Did it act, though ? I mean, had it done any actions so far ? I don’t think so. It didn’t do anything. Just standing there – if I can even say « standing ». This cluster was all over the place. A mess, a mass of… whatever it was that formed it and make it able to live still to this day. I can say it’s old. Very ancient. Probably older than anything that defines our world. It has been a part of the latter since the beginning. I know it.
What a clustermess.
Huh.
Spike, finally realising he now had wings, flew to his destination, dragging me along through the different hallways of the castle. Dragging me was an understatement. I just got out of bed, and I was already so exhausted. It’s like its presence completely drained me out of my essence. What was the point of marching through all this when I know I could find it at every corner ? But I still had to follow Spike, if not for mine, at least for his sake. I shouldn’t think about it when he’s here. He is protecting me. It is not coming to get me, as long as I don’t delve into it too much. In fact, I was already feeling a little bit better. That’s what I told myself anyway. I wasn’t paying attention to it – that was some improvement, right ?
I asked Spike what this was all about. Usually, I didn’t mind his antics. But I wasn’t really in the mood right now. He told me it was a surprise. As if he made a mistake, he put his claws in front of his mouth, possibly afraid of revealing anything else. I was confused. Why would Spike, of all dragons, try to keep a secret from me ? This didn’t make any sense to me. Anyway, most of what was happening in my life didn’t make sense either, so I souldn’t be that surprised. Spike, who I could trust more than anyone else, was keeping a secret from me. Did he hide other secrets ? Should I be worried ? Did I actually know him at all ?
It was back. Calm down, Twilight, calm down.
Finally, after a long time spent in agony, we reached the door of the Map. I spent too much time in there. I didn’t really want to go back in there. So many hours wasted on working inside that confinement room. It’s so dark in there. And I always felt like such an insect, standing in the middle of a giant cage, with a magic I couldn’t grasp. What was the Map hiding ? I had no idea. Much like Pinkie, I couldn’t find a way to uncover the secrets behind it. Not it as in it, but it as in the map. I fully comprehend what it is, what it wants to tell us, what it is there for.
Pinkie ! Let’s think about Pinkie. She has been acting quite odd these days. Odder than my attitude. She kept asking me questions, as if she suddenly became interested in me after so many years of friendship. Most of the time, it’s just me who asks the questions, and they answer. No, actually, that wasn’t it : most of the time, it was them doing the talking and the venting and me doing the nodding and the answering to their mundane issues. Did they ever ask me anything, if it wasn’t for their profit ? I don’t think they ever did. Did they ever ask if I was okay ? Were they really my –
Shut up.
I didn’t know what to think about her, so I quickly dropped the idea. Anything to keep my mind off it. Quick, a new thought.
I never got the time though. Spike opened the door.
Dark. There wasn’t any light inside this room, and that’s when the light inside my body snuffed out.
Voices, whispers echoing in my mind, across the whole room.
Celestia, help me.
« Surprise ! »
The light was on. It was getting warmer inside my heart.
There were ponies. Way too many ponies. Pinkie up front. Pinkie’s face covering everything. Streamers. The weight of a party hat on my horn. Balloons going up, for some obscure reason (where did they even come from ?). I felt dizzy. Pinkie was talking. Fast. I should be prepared to it by now. But I really am not. She is so energetic. She tired me in the span of a few seconds.
From what I’ve gathered, she extremely wanted to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday.
A happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
One more year.
No. This couldn’t be. It was everywhere. I couldn’t see anything else. No. No. It was in everything and everypony. It was there.
Pinkie’s face started to freeze a bit, before turning into a frown. She started to worry that the party she has thrown was not good enough for me. Couldn’t she see it ? She has thrown me this party like a javelin right through my chest. It was taunting me, reminding me that it was close, closer than anyone thinks. I needed to run. Go away. Make it stop. My horn started to sparkle. Murmurs of panic. You should panic indeed.
I teleported. I was on top of the castle. No time to think. Fly. My wings opened up. Checking around to make sure it wasn’t on my tail. Checking my tail to make sure it wasn’t on my tail. Fly. Anywhere. Not here. I know I can not escape it, but I have to try. It is omnipotent, a devil disguised as a god. It was so beautiful to see, and yet so frightening.
It was back.
I went up. High as I could. Tears full of fear, anger, despair, in my eyes. Hope. These tears were taking these emotions away. I never realised I could fly this much without having any difficulty to breathe. My wings were sore. I’m so high. I started to feel numb.
That’s when I realised I was soaring right into it. Of course.
I wasn’t willing to fight it anymore. Or flight in this case.
I dropped. I fell. I lost. I lost to an impossible-to-win battle, to be fair. My wings weren’t moving anymore, petrified. I’m ashamed to say I was closing my eyes. Opening them would be useless anyway, I could still see it. It infected me. I was exhausted.
I’m falling. And I’m completely embracing it.