Ooh, Smolder…I tried really hard to like every creature at the school because they were all supposed to be my friends, but I never liked Smolder! Have you ever been in her dorm room?
You’re asking if I, an eight foot tall ancient threat to Equestria, have ever been inside one of the dorm rooms of the School of Friendship.
Yes.
…no, no I haven’t.
Well it stinks! And I don’t mean that in some kind of metaphorical way for it being dumb or stupid, although it is, but I mean it literally stinks! It smells like smoke all the time, you can even smell it out in the hallway and that’s after Professor Rarity had a bunch of cleaning ponies fumigate it after Ocellus molted in there and made it stink even worse! But that’s not the worst part, the worst part is that Smolder stole everything from everypony for the first few weeks of school! Every time there was a missing pen or book or bits or pillow or anything, guaranteed it was because she took it! She even took a bunch of bows from my dorm room, she doesn’t even have hair!
And on top of that, she never tried to be nice to me! I was nice as could be to her. She never apologized for stealing stuff from us even when Professor Dash finally made her stop but she acted like she hadn’t done anything wrong, and then when I was making cupcakes for everypony I made sure to make a few cupcakes with zircons in them just for her and all she did was grunt at me! Not even a “thank you” or “that was nice of you” or nothing! She acted like I was her enemy but I hadn’t even turned the school on her or tried to banish all her friends into a dark oblivion yet!
So I’ve put a lot of thought into how I’m going to get her back.
We’ll be at an active volcano with my Cozy Guard. She’ll be looking at me and be all like, “I never trusted you because I was secretly all super jealous of how cute and adorable you are, which is something I could never be because I’m a big stinky stupid dragon!”
She’ll say that, will she?
Yes! And I’ll say, “I know you are, and I’ve prepared something special for you!” And I push her into the lava! Now I know this starts out a lot like my plan with Silverstream, I bet you can see the similarities between pushing a creature into water and into lava and trust me, you have no idea! So to start with, yes, her wings will be bound up, so she won’t fly away when she plunges headfirst into liquid hot lava!
Dragons are fireproof.
I know that! But that is where the lava sharks come in! An entire school of them, I’m thinking hammerheads but great white sharks are a classic and makos have that really long tail that –
I would like to pause a moment to discuss the lava sharks. Those don’t, well, exist.
Wait, really? Huh, there’s so much strange stuff in the world I kinda’ figured that they’d have to…oh well, okay then, phase one will be to create lava sharks –
How?
I don’t know! Do you see a shark on my flank, huh? No! Alright then, phase one will be to find a shark breeder –
How are you planning on creating a breed of sharks that can survive in lava?
I’m not, that’s what the shark breeder will be for! So he’ll get me my sharks and I’ll put them in the volcano –
Where is the volcano?
Under Canterlot! Obviously!
The Canterhorn isn’t a volcano, there’s no lava there. Trust me, I’ve been under it.
Actually on that note I want to go back to that throne room. So your throne is going to be a hundred feet tall and you’re also going to have a deep pit to keep the yak in. I’ve been in the throne room of Canterlot Castle, it’s not that big.
There’s going to be a lot of renovations, okay?!
You’re going to renovate the Canterhorn into being an active volcano?
No, not me, obviously, I’ll be getting ponies to do this for me, I’m sure I can get the pony power –
It’s not a question of pony power, it’s a question of plate tectonics! The Canterhorn isn’t sitting on a hot spot, how will you even –
PHASE ONE WILL BE TO TURN THE CANTERHORN INTO AN ACTIVE VOLCANO, PHASE TWO WILL BE TO GET A SHARK BREEDER TO CREATE LAVA SHARKS, PHASE THREE WILL BE TO PUT THOSE SHARKS INTO THE CANTERHORN’S LAVA, AND PHASE FOUR WILL BE TO SHOVE SMOLDER INTO THE LAVA!
…what’s phase five?
You know what? We’re moving on!