Comet flops down on the floor of our front room and groans. I poke my head out from around the corner and smirk as she tries to push her seemingly several-ton saddlebags off of her. I guess she got her textbooks today. I chuckle and walk over to her to help unbuckle them.
"How was school today?" I ask.
She murmurs something I can't understand before rolling on her back to more easily massage the bases of her wings. "Wonderful," she groans. "Totally top-notch. You sure I have to do this for another four years?"
"'Fraid so," I reply. "Though we could probably see about maybe importing one of those extending bags for you. I'd give you mine, but the decades have not been kind to it."
"Yeah, yeah," she mutters. She slowly reaches out and flips one of the sides open before pulling out a six inch thick textbook. She glances at the cover before holding it out for me. "There's a bunch of stuff in here about you."
Curious, I take the book and look at the title. Modern International History. Hm. I flip to the table of contents and scan it until I see something familiar. Schunie Human Death Match pg 107-145. Well, might as well see what they're saying about me. I lean back against the wall and turn to the right page.
The Schunie Human Death Match, as it would later come to be called, took place on March fifth 1075 After Harmony and involved a unique creature known as a "human" (seen in fig 12) and the leader of Clan Banag, Purgle the Mightiest.
I rolled my eyes. Of course he would call himself that.
It is unknown what slight one committed against the other to warrant the death match, but the scholarly consensus is that Purgle the Mightiest was the aggressor, though some accounts state that the human made a grave, deliberate insult to Purgle the Mightiest. Spectators of the initial challenge are scarce, as it is unknown where the challenge was even initiated. Accounts vary between outside of the local city hall, a local blacksmith shop, and even outside the city walls themselves. Given the fluid nature of the city's population, facts are hard to truly come by. Many of the locals give varying accounts of the events. Members of Clan Banag are unanimously unwilling to discuss the matter. Several historians believe that they have determined the location of the blacksmith shop where the challenge was supposedly issued, but the owner also refused to comment.
I snort and shake my head. I could see some ponies coming up to interview Turgis and him shooting them down instantly.
"I said that I ain't talkin' ta ye! Go away before I give ya a right big cuff on tha head for botherin' me!"
Something like that.
"Interesting so far, Dad?" Comet asks as she pushes herself up to a sitting position and taking a half-dozen other equally large textbooks out of her saddlebags, alongside a few notebooks and a pencil case. I shook my head and flipped to the next page.
"Super crazy. I should contact them about it. I lived through it." I roll my eyes as a thought strikes me. "Or they could just read the dang book."
Comet shrugs. "Guess it's an older textbook made before the book came out."
"My book has been out for six years," I grumble. I hold my place in the book with my finger and turn to the first few pages. Yep, this particular textbook has been out for three years. Great.
"Yeah, Luna forbid textbooks ignore primary sources," Comet says, shaking her head. "Anyway, I'm going to get a snack. Let me know if you see anything crazy."
"Will do," I reply, going back to my place in the book. Maybe I should talk to the ponies who wrote this. Even if they looked at it as a more exaggerated series of events, there at least had to be stuff they saw as legit in there, like Purgle challenging me to the match outside the blacksmith shop. Made me wonder what was in the rest of it. It also made me wonder if some company in Equestria had a textbook monopoly just like on Earth. I dunno. Maybe Ponyville High bought their textbooks on the cheap and this was an older edition.
Though if I knew textbooks, the newest version had three different sentences from the one I was holding and nothing else. In any case, what was this one saying about me? I walked into the living room and plopped down on my favorite comfy chair to continue reading, scanning the pages until I find stuff about me.
The Schunie Human Death Match took place on March fifth 1075 A.H. and resulted in the human being the victor after a mere twenty minute fight. Details of the fight vary wildly, with some even attributing the human's victory to magical powers he previously did not showcase prior to the death match. Such powers include pyromancy, telekinesis, teleportation, and advanced strength. Most historians agree that the human did not showcase such abilities.
Well, all of that would have been rather nice. It would have meant that the fight would have been over in thirty seconds instead of the twenty minutes the textbook stated. I could have seen how long he would have lasted while dodging gigantic fireballs in that heavy armor of his.
I amuse myself with that visual for a few moments before returning to the textbook.
Very little is known about what happened to the human after the death match, but he did reappear several months later during the events of the Third Griffonian Civil War. (See pages 175-200 for more details)
Well, I was definitely going to have to do that.
What is known is that the human suffered severe injuries as a result of the fight, and spent several days in medical treatment. The human had a supply of phoenix tears which helped speed up his recovery and may have even saved his life. Once he had fully recovered, the human left Schunie.
The results of the death match went far beyond the death of Purgle the Mightiest. Clan Banag was nearly destroyed over the course of the following years, as infighting among the clan as to who would take over as the leader led to a small civil war with the victor not being determined for over two years. The issues were compounded by the severe loss of the clan's wealth after the death match. Clan Banag bet heavily on Purgle the Mightiest winning the death match. The reported odds for betting were 250:1 in favor of Purgle the Mightiest, and as such, Clan Banag bet over ten thousand dinars on their leader, thereby costing them over 2.5 million dinars after his defeat.
Ha.
Clan Banag's wealth and status in Schunie evaporated overnight, and none of them have stepped hoof in the city since their leader's failure. Their loss of wealth hurt them more during the following their clan's civil war. Now many of the surviving members of Clan Banag have been folded into other clans, with the current number at less than fifty.
Welp, I don't see them lasting all that long, then, if they're still around. It is a little bit too bad. I mean, I'm sure that not all of the minotaurs in Purgle's clan were horrible people, but thems the breaks. It's not the first time it's happened in their culture, and it definitely won't be the last. Heck, it might not have even been the last since I was there.
After the obliteration of Clan Banag, the power shifted in Schunie to the point where two of the largest clans banded together to take over the city in all but name. The de facto rulers are Bludworth the Wise of Clan Charint, and Grorim the Just of clan Rakput. With their combined wealth, power and numbers, they are the unquestioned leaders of the minotaur people.
Huh, I'd have to ask Twilight about that the next time that I saw her. I know that when I went to Schunie, Bludworth told me that the city was set up so that one clan couldn't really take over. Sure, it took two, but the mere fact that the city was largely under control of essentially co-rulers was really interesting. From what I gathered, it would be the first time that had happened in Schunie's history. It kind of made me wonder when one of them would take power and be the real undisputed ruler of the minotaurs. Power is a fickle thing, though.
The human then traveled to Griffonia, where he was first officially recorded in the capital city of Iselin, though there were unconfirmed reports about him fighting with some local security volunteers by lighting himself on fire. Most experts agree that if he did so, it was as a result of phoenix fire instead of some innate human ability.
The book goes to some other topic setting up the Griffonian society before it actually gets back to what I did, so I skim through those parts a bit. I got the general idea of relevant information when I was there, so it didn't really interest me all that much. It did give a little history lesson about Aepnet's reign, so that was kind of interesting. After a few seconds of flipping through the book to find the relevant pages, I finally ran across a section that involved me.
Accounts vary on how exactly the human came to be engaged to Princess Kathyrine. Some say he saved her life and the emperor used a little-known law to force the engagement. Others speculate that the two of them met during the human's journey, and that they struck up a close friendship that eventually turned romantic.
Uh... no.
Regardless, the engagement appears to have been part of the cause of the Third Griffonian Civil War. With the human engaged to Princess Kathyrine, that closed the door for any of the heirs of the other clans to marry Princess Kathyrine and take the throne for themselves. The possibility was there for Kathyrine to refuse all suitors and rule herself as empress upon her father's death, as Empress Kathyrine the Second did in 547 A.H. Regardless, the engagement fell through despite the wishes of the human and Princess Kathyrine, as Emperor Aepnet used it for his political gains to attempt to wipe out one of the larger rival clans. He failed, and when his machinations came to light, Clan Fromme started their coup backed by the other major clans. The Third Griffonian Civil War lasted from 1076 A.H. to 1078 A.H. and resulted in Aepnet's overthrow and the installation of the head of Clan Fromme taking the throne. Princess Kathyrine was under the protection of the Saddle Arabian leader Sultan Mesud at the time. During the course of the war, Clan Guiteau was nearly wiped out, with Clan Byck also suffering heavy casualties, including the death of Duke Byck himself.
Huh, that was a detail I hadn't managed to pick up. Guess it was a little crazier than I thought.
All told, the casualties of the Third Griffonian Civil War numbered two hundred and fifty-five thousand dead and twice that number wounded. A fair portion of Iselin was burned to the ground, and many surrounding towns and villages suffered serious damage as well. Emperor Fromme had to put down a smaller insurrection after his ascension to the throne.
I grimace at that. I didn't like the idea that something I was involved with lead to that much death and destruction. From what I had gathered in some cursory research of Griffonia, it wasn't the first time something like that had happened, but the idea that I'd been a player in that, however briefly, doesn't sit well with me. It makes me wonder how everything would have been different Aepnet had just not gone through with his silly plan to destroy one of the other clans. Ugh.
Little is known about the human's whereabouts during the war, but scholars are divided on whether or not he left the country before the war, or was an active participant in it. There aren't records of his actions after he left Saddle Arabia, so it is hard to say what happened to him. There have been no confirmed sightings of him fighting in the civil war, but his disappearance from record indicates that something happened to him.
I frown at that. Seriously, my book came out before this silly textbook did! The record of were I was and what I was doing is right there, including a firsthand account of these important events! Scholars wonder where the death match was issued? Yeah, read the book. Can I shoot fire? No, read the book. Where was I after Saddle Arabia? Read the friggin' book!
I snap the book shut and put it down on the coffee table, grimacing a bit. I don't mind that I'm in a textbook, I think it's kind of cool really, but the fact that they didn't get a lot right, or that there was a lot of 'speculation' regarding who I was, what I was doing, and where I went next kind of sits wrong with me. You have a primary source right at your disposal. I mean, yeah, textbook, but it's not like it's some book from three hundred years ago.
After a few minutes of me stewing for a bit, Cheerilee comes in and tilts her head when she sees my face. "TD? What's the matter? Are you okay?" she asks.
"I dunno." I motion to Comet's textbook. "I'm in Comet's history textbook, but it isn't exactly accurate all the time. It's like they didn't read my book at all."
"Huh, interesting," Cheerilee replies, walking over to the book and flipping it open. She finds the pages I was talking about, and the room is silent as I watch her scan the pages. Once she's done, she scoffs and closes the book. "Are you sure this isn't right, TD? I mean, you might have fire powers that you never told me about."
I snort and lean back in the chair. "Promise that I don't have any. It would have made a lot of stuff so much easier, though. I could have at least singed a few feathers on Aepnet's head. That would have been nice."
"No doubt," Cheerilee replies, hopping onto her chair next to me. She motions to the textbook. "So what are you going to do about it?"
"Well, write to them and tell them about how much you hate it," Comet says, flying into the room with a plate of apples and peanut butter balanced on one hoof. "Maybe then they'll retract it and the school will have to stop teaching it, and I won't have to carry it around all of the time." Comet tilts her head in thought as she places the plate down next to the textbook. "In fact, I'm sure that my math and science textbooks have bad things about you in them. You should do that for those books too."
"Nice try," I reply with a roll of my eyes. "But writing to them isn't the worst idea. I know that it probably won't matter for your school this year, but maybe the new edition will be a little more accurate." I shrugged. "Worth a shot.
* * * *
A few weeks later, I take our mail out of the mailbox and begin flipping through the letters. It's mostly junk and bills (though it's nice to never have anything about my mortgage, because I paid for my house in cash) but I stop when I see an unfamiliar envelope. My first thought is that it might be something from Celestia, but we haven't talked in a few years other than some cursory pleasantries. Oswald hadn't knocked Philomena up again as far as I knew. I scanned the envelope and my eyebrow raised. It was from the Equestrian Textbook Society.
Huh, guess they got my letter.
I toss the rest of the mail down on the coffee table and sit down to open the letter from the ETS. Comet is still at school, and Cheerilee is at work, so I have the house to myself for a bit. I put up the footrest and begin to read.
Dear Mr. Powell,
We here at the Equestrian Textbook Society appreciate your letter. I can understand why seeing yourself and your exploits in a textbook would make you want to make sure that the story was told correctly. However, we have to consider multiple sources when we make our textbooks, and while your book was certainly an enjoyable read, there are other sources to take into account when we're coming up with the full picture to make sure that the book is as accurate as possible. If you found anything highly offensive, please be sure to let us know and we will take everything into consideration for any future editions. Thank you for your letter and have a great day.
Sincerely,
Quality Learning, head of the Equestrian Textbook Society.
My eyes narrow. Yeah, I totally understand the need to have more sources to get the big picture. Obviously the more you have, the better. Any good historian can tell you that. However, when I read that some scholars can't get some basic details right like where the death match challenge was issued, I begin to wonder what research they did and exactly what sources they used.
With nothing else for it, I grab some paper and a quill to pen my response.
Dear Mr. Quality Learning,
Thank you for your reply. As somebody who was going into education before I came to Equestria, I, of course, understand the need for multiple sources. I did learn some interesting things from the book regarding the aftermath of some of my exploits after I had left Schunie and Iselin. However, it's the details regarding me where I begin to take some issue. I realize that some of them were rumors from locals added into the book as a sort of amusing perspective of events (I cannot now, nor have I ever had the ability to shoot fire. It was indeed my phoenix that caused me to catch on fire when I fought those security volunteers) but there are some basic details that even a cursory read of my book will tell you. Purgle the Silly did indeed challenge me to that death match outside of a blacksmith shop I was apprenticing at. I don't see how that's a question when you have my book right there in front of you. The term "enjoyable read" does, I feel, come with some connotations that it is a stylized, exaggerated, vaguely fictionalized version of events. As somebody who actually went through the events in question, I can assure you that I did not give any falsehoods in my telling of the events. I will admit that not every detail may be perfect given that it all took place over the course of six years, but any major event is told truthfully and without exaggeration. All of it was crazy enough as it was. I don't need to exaggerate death matches and assassination attempts.
Sincerely,
TD Powell, head of the Powell household and popular autobiographical author.
I seal it up and drop it off in the mailbox. I do wish that Equestria had e-mail, but for now, this will have to do.
* * * *
"You have some mail, TD," Cheerilee says as toss a banana peel from my lunch. "I think it's from the textbook ponies."
"Hm. Maybe they've decided to fix their books," I reply, taking the letter from her. "Let's see what they have to say."
Dear Mr. Powell,
We here at the Equestrian Textbook Society appreciate your letter. I apologize if you feel that I implied that your book was a fictional exaggeration. We certainly took a lot of it into account when writing the latest edition of the textbook. However, as I said before, we have to gather up a lot of sources to get the big picture when writing a textbook. You stated your intentions to become a teacher, and that you understood our perspective on that matter. I assure you that we vet our sources quite thoroughly, and we do our best to provide the clearest picture of major historical events. You were not the only person involved, after all, so other sources are required. If you found anything highly offensive, please be sure to let us know and we will take everything into consideration for any future editions. Thank you for your letter and have a great day.
Sincerely,
Quality Learning, head of the Equestrian Textbook Society.
I sigh and toss the letter on the table, allowing Cheerilee to grab it and read it for herself. I guess this was going to become a thing. So be it. I get some more paper and a quill as I listen to Cheerilee giggle from the other room.
Dearest, most respectable Quality Learning,
We here at the Powell Household appreciate your letter. I apologize if you think that I was implying that your textbook was poorly written, poorly researched schlock. I know you would never intentionally mislead the foals of Equestria with fictionalized versions of influential world events. As someone coming from a world where textbooks can fall under the above description, I can verify that you seemed to try your best. However, as someone passionate about education, I too would like to see as much of the truth taught in school as possible. As a father, I would hate if my daughter was exposed to falsehoods in the classroom.
In the pursuit of that goal, I was disappointed that your wonderful, educational textbook got a few basic facts wrong. Like, seriously basic. I did not have any kind of romantic relationship with Princess Kathyrine, nor do I plan to do so. I find that the real version of events would make a far more interesting textbook, and instead of presenting two possibilities, you simply tell what happened and expand on that for further analysis of both the events, and griffin culture of the time period. Your book is theoretically a tool to enrich the minds of the impressionable fillies and colts throughout Equestria, after all. If you wish for me to provide additional insight on the events portrayed in the book, I am more than happy to do so.
Respectfully,
TD Harrison Powell, head of the Powell Household and accomplished Blade Runner (seventeen of them and counting!)
"Oh, I'm sure he's going to love that," Cheerilee said with a roll of her eyes as she finished my letter.
"I'll bet. Be surprised if he writes back." I shrug as I stuff the letter in the envelope. "We'll see, I guess."
* * * *
"Dad! Dad! Dad! You got another one!" Comet says excitedly, dropping the letter in my lap before sitting across from me on the couch. Cheerilee pokes her head out of the kitchen and smirks as she takes her place next to Comet.
"Alright, alright," I reply with an amused smile. "Let's see what they said."
Dear Mr. Powell,
We here at the Equestrian Textbook Society appreciate your letter. If I didn't know better, I would suspect that you are taking this in jest. However, for the sake of professionalism and giving you the benefit of the doubt, I will think otherwise. We would certainly be interested in any additional information that you have to provide for us, and we'd be happy to compare it to our other sources to improve our textbook. As times change, perspective on events shifts as society evolves and new information comes to light. Your book certainly did that, and we appreciate its invaluable contribution to our work, and if you look in the sources, you will see that we have indeed used it as a source when compiling our information. As always, if you found anything highly offensive, please be sure to let us know and we will take everything into consideration for any future editions. Thank you for your letter and have a great day.
Sincerely,
Quality Learning, head of the Equestrian Textbook Society.
"Ooh, the gauntlet has been thrown!" Comet says with a grin. "What are you going to say back?"
"Well, get me your textbook first. I might want to head on down to the library to check them out before I pen a response.
* * * *
Greetings and Salutations, honorable and venerated Quality Learning,
I have indeed looked through the sources in your book and cross-referenced them with what actually happened, and I would like to share my perspective on it, as well as some basic truths.
Primary source (prahy-mer-ee sohrs): an artifact, document, diary, autobiography, recording, or any other source of information that was created at the time under study. It serves as an original source of information about the topic. Examples include photograph of the first Summer Sun Celebration, recording of a speech by Princess Celestia, or the hit book Wanderings of a Headstrong Human By TD Powell, Foreword by Twilight Sparkle, © 1185 A.H.
Secondary Source (sek-uhn-der-ee sohrs) : a document or recording that relates or discusses information originally presented elsewhere. A secondary source contrasts with a primary source, which is an original source of the information being discussed; a primary source can be a person with direct knowledge of a situation, or a document created by such a person. A secondary source is one that gives information about a primary source. In this source, the original information is selected, modified and arranged in a suitable format. Secondary sources involve generalization, analysis, interpretation, or evaluation of the original information. Examples include The Schunie Death Match: Analysis of Culture and Economic Change by Critical Thinker © 1179 A.H.
I could go on, but you get the idea, I'm sure. You, and especially your company, are the height of intelligence and class in the field of Equestrian learning. I must stress that I understand the importance of gathering multiple sources, but it seems to me that a primary source (see above definition) would be of more importance than a secondary source (see other above definition) especially when the author of said primary source is alive and of sound mind to relay any information that you wish. I do not have any issues with the bits about me shooting fire and whatnot. I understand that those testimonies are closer to local legend than something you're trying to portray as fact. Also it's really cool. You keep inviting me to tell you what I take offense with, so I shall state it with no uncertain terms:
1. The death match took place outside of the blacksmith shop, not town hall or outside of the city.
2. Princess Kathyrine and I never had any sort of romantic relationship. Occasionally we beat the hell out of each other, but it was strictly platonic and mere sparring when we were mad. The engagement was not called off despite our wishes. Neither of us wanted it. It's one of the reasons we beat the hell from each other.
3. I did not participate in the Third Griffonian Civil War in any capacity beyond being a part of the events that led up to it.
4. I did fight the security volunteers. My phoenix did help me.
5. It is hard to say "it's hard to say what happened to him" after the events of the civil war when I obviously live in Equestria. I suppose that wasn't interesting enough to make it into your book.
6. I was not the aggressor against Purgle. He was mad that he wasn't able to hunt me for sport. Also, while his clan may have called him that, "Purgle the Mightiest" is a severe misnomer. "Purgle the Silliest and/or Whiniest" is a far more accurate term.
7. Use my name. You know it. Don't just call me "the human."
Since you seem to not be interested in a more detailed analysis, I'll leave it there. If you would prefer one, I am more than happy to accommodate you.
With the utmost respect and reverence,
TD Powell, Slayer of Purgle the Silliest, (temporary) Destroyer of Queen Chrysalis, Survivor of Assassination, and General Badass.
Comet was rolling on the floor by this point, and even Cheerilee hadn't been able to stifle her laughter.
"I don't think they'll respond to that, TD," Cheerilee says between chuckles.
"I doubt it, but it'll feel good.
* * * *
I'm surprised when the next letter arrives. I naturally wait until Cheerilee and Comet are home before reading it.
Mr. Powell,
I appreciate your zeal for the truth. However, I admit that I took some offense to your definitions. I would prefer that this not devolve into petty snipes at each other. This is, after all, an important subject. We will take your suggestions into consideration.
Sincerely,
Quality Learning, head of the Equestrian Textbook Society.
"I think he's getting mad," I say with a smirk.
"I think so," Comet replies.
I sigh and grab more paper.
Dearest, most smartest, most kind, patient educator of our young Quality Learning,
Offense was certainly not intended. I merely want to set the record straight. Why, if you had just promised to make the changes (then followed through, I'd check) this honestly amusing waste of paper wouldn't be needed. Regardless, I must praise you for your stubborn insistence that you gather every source possible, no matter how preposterous. After a thorough investigation of all of your sources, I find some of them to be laughable, and would like to ask you which brand of whiskey/bourbon/gin/girly drink/prison toilet wine that you chugged with gusto which deluded you into believing that some of them were a good idea so that I may try it for myself. One of your wonderful, carefully vetted sources was a horrible mistranslation of a fictional novel based on the death match written in the Saddle Arabian language that a "historian" misinterpreted and wrote a paper on. I laughed for fifteen minutes when I saw the whole thing. It was glorious. I didn't even need to be drunk. Regardless, I must respectfully, gracefully ask that you consider your sources a little better.
Sincerely and with the most humility possible,
TD Harrison Powell, he who punched Celestia, he who pied Blueblood, he who has done a lot of awesome things and come out a better, more awesome person for it.
* * * *
The next letter isn't as complicated.
Dear Mr. Powell,
Go soak your head. No I don't want you to send that, Ms. Penny. Stop dictating. Oh really? Well fine then, send the damn thing. Who cares?
Sincerely,
Quality Learning, head of the Equestrian Textbook Society.
I snorted and shook my head. Wow. Time for another one.
Dear wonderful, sarcastic, intelligent, aware head of bookie learning for foals Mr. Quality Learning,
If you provide the buckets, I'll bring the hose and we can do it together. Also, you need to give your secretary clearer instructions. Or don't. It's more amusing that way.
Sincerely,
TD Harrison "Danger" Powell, Equestrian Snarcasm Champion ten years running.
After putting the last letter in the mailbox, I turn to my family and shake my head. "I don't think he'll write back."
"No, probably not," Cheerilee agrees. "I don't think he'll update the textbook either."
"Probably not."
"Well, I'm going to have to read all of my textbooks to make sure that you're not in them," Comet replies as we go inside to get dinner going. "If it's always going to be this interesting, I want you in all of them!"
"You know, Comet? Me too. Me too."