Chapter 18
I trot along towards the library, a massive smile on my face and a clipboard between my teeth. I had just finished counting and the results were pleasing. The guards were off doing whatever, but I didn’t care. I’m on my way to the library. As the door to the tree house came into view, I straightened my face up. Time to get my troll on.
I stopped for a moment at the door, straightening my expression once again before I pushed my way in. Inside I saw twelve ponies standing around the large, circular table in the middle of the room. Celestia had gathered the Elements and my friends around the table. My faked sadness held as I strode towards the table, gaining everyone’s attention.
“Andrew,” Celestia began, “What news do you bring?”
“The count,” I said as solemnly as I could. Everyone’s expression dropped as I said this.
“What is it?” the princess asked. Everyone looked eagerly my way, wanting to hear the news no matter how bad it is, or isn’t in this case.
I flicked my head up and sent the clipboard down the table before I smiled. Seeing this, Sam and Tim smiled as well. As Celestia picked the clipboard up with her magic, all of the humans smiled in understanding.
The princess raised her eyebrow, or whatever it is. “Trololo there isn’t one?” she read out.
“Yep,” I said cheerfully, smiling wider and dancing on the spot slightly. All the ponies in the room were confused. I don’t think they get it.
“So there are no dead ponies?” Twilight asked.
“Exactly,” I answered, “pretty cool eh?”
“But how?” Celestia asked in confusion.
“Pretty neat isn’t it,” I said, “all the ponies were unconscious, scared shitless by the demons, worst case was a burnt flank.”
“Hey!” Rainbow stomped the table as she rose from her seat, “are you calling us ponies wimps?”
“No,” I say casually, “I’m calling those ponies wimps.”
“That’s the same!”
I opened my mouth to make a witty comeback only to realise I don’t have one. “Well, whatever.”
“Let us be glad that nopony died today,” Celestia said.
“Yeah,” Rainbow said as she sat back down.
I heard metal contact wood behind me, making me turn around. I saw a green earth pony guard dragging a gun out of the basement with his teeth. Wait, a gun!
I jumped up and ran over to the fool. “Woah, bro,” I said, “Put the deadly weapon down.”
The guard stopped and looked down at the contraption between his teeth before he raised a hoof and held it up. “It doesn’t look deadly,” he replied. What an idiot.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name’s Chirp.” Why are pony names so weird?
“So,” I said, putting on a straight face, “Do you like your head?”
He cocked his head to the side in confusion. “Yeah,” he answered.
I smiled. “So why is the barrel of the gun in your mouth?”
“Well,” he paused to think about his answer, “How am I supposed to move it?”
“You don’t!” I shout at him. How thick can a pony be?
Chirp straightened himself, standing up proudly. “I do not take orders from you,” he said firmly.
My eye twitched. “You will now,” I snarled.
Chirp leaned forward, attempting to be intimidating. “No I don’t.”
Screw this. I snatched the gun in his hoof by the handle and ran back towards the table. “Hey!” he shouted in surprise.
“No one touches my gun!” I shouted at the guard. I slid to a stop in my old position and placed the weapon underneath me. He can’t get it now.
Twilight looked at me, her head leaned to the side in curiosity. “What was that about?” she asked.
“No reason,” I answer, “Let’s move on to the next point.”
The gun underneath me began moving. I look to the side to see Chirp trying to take my gun, again. “Please stop, I’m trying to get to my next point here.”
He looked up at me, an angry look on his face. “I was ordered to take this for study.”
“Well tell your boss that you failed,” I growled.
I turn back to the table. “Now my next point,” I said, straightening myself before continuing. “The guards suck.”
“What?!” Everyone that is naturally a pony yelled in surprise
“I’m serious,” I shouted, emphasising my point by slamming my hoof onto the table. “They took five full seconds to hit me in the shoulder, five full seconds of me exposing myself to their attacks before being hit.”
I waited for a response. Celestia looked up. “What makes you insult the capabilities of my guards in front of me?”
“The sheer fail that they are,” I answer matter-of-factly. “I’m sorry if I insulted you but that is my opinion on their capabilities.”
My head flung forward, slamming into the table as I was hit in the back of my head. The gun underneath me slipped away as I righted myself, holding a hoof to my head in pain. I am going to hurt that Chirp guy so bad!
I spun around and dashed towards Chirp as he ran for the door. I tackled him through the door, hitting the dirt ground outside the front door. “No taking!” I snarled as I took the gun away from him. Turning back to the library, I see everyone gathered at the door.
“See what I mean?” I say, “He can’t even get my gun off of me.” I dragged the gun passed the group and back inside the library. I set it aside and returned to the table, waiting to continue. “Anyway, I would like to teach the guards my limited knowledge of warfare.”
“What can you teach that they haven’t learnt?” The Princess asked as she returned to her seat at the other end of the table.
“How to war,” I answered. The room went silent, my words having a bigger impact than I thought. “I’m sorry to say this, but war is coming.”
“Ok,” Celestia solemnly said.
Ok, time to change the topic. “Anyway, onto my next topic of discussion.” I clapped my hooves together as everyone returned to position. “I move to have all our names changed to extra cutesy!”
“Noo!” Cloe instantly complained as predicted.
“What, I freaking love cute things!” I retort.
“Why would you want to change your name?” Twilight asked.
“Really?” I say, wondering why she can’t see the obvious. “Well Andrew is not a very pony-like name.”
Twilight blushed. “Oh,” she quietly murmured. Dat blush.
“Well, What shall your name be?” Rarity asked.
“Well…”