//------------------------------//
// Chapter 11: Water Slide to the Darkseid 
// Story: To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies 
// by No One and Nobody 
//------------------------------//


Chapter 11: Water Slide to the Darkseid


The fires of Apokolips burned eternally and the cries of the slave workers echoed through the halls as Darkseid sat upon his throne, weaving dark plans of his ultimate conquest and search to find the Anti-Life Equation.

The atmosphere of darkness was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a short cartoonish man in a purple suit and Superman before his throne.

Despite the unexpected intrusion, Darkseid didn't betray any sign of surprise or annoyance.

"Hey there Darkseid," spoke up the intruder in the purple suit, "Don't mean to intrude or nothin' but the big man in blue's got something to deliver and I was just elected to help with the transportation. I'll be outa your hair before ya know it."

Darkseid paid him no mind, his attention was instead focused on the Man of Steel. Superman was breathing slowly, as though trying to reign in his emotions.

Just as he was about to say something, Darkseid's son Kalibak, advisor DeSaad, and a squad of Parademons run in.

"Master-" DeSaad started to say, but was interrupted as Darkseid silently raised a hand.

"I will handle this myself. Leave me."

"But father-"

Darkseid turned to Kalibak, his eyes alight with ruby flames.

Kalibak, DeSaad and the rest backed out the door, bowing and apologizing for their intrusion.

"What is your purpose here Kryptonian?"

With one last breath, Superman reached into his cape and pulled out a small object.

"While I don't think you deserve it. Some friends of mine have assured me that we both need this."

So saying, he placed the small pink figurine on the floor and stepped back. With a *pop* both he and the imp vanished.

With his two hands clasped together, Darkseid rested them against his chin as his gaze moved from where the two visitors had stood to where the small toy now rested.

"I know what you seek to achieve," he said, his gaze unwavering, "What your plan is with the Kryptonian and his enemies."

The plastic toy remained where it stood on the stone floor, lifeless.

"I'm afraid, however, that you underestimate my power. I am not some meaningless earthbound crook, but a god. Don't worry. Your death shall be quick."

Twin flaming beams of energy flashed from beneath his brow and streaked towards the helpless pony.

As the Omega beams reached their target, she opened her mouth and swallowed them both whole.

The moment hung suspended in the air between them for a moment as Darkseid's stare intensified at what he had just witnessed then...

*BUUURPP*

A pink, smoky smiley face floated out into the still, empty air of the room.

"Mmmmmm, Strawberry."

Then the pink creature sitting there, tilted her head to one side with an innocent nonchalance that belied the feat she had just accomplished.

"Sorry Mr. Seid, but I'm afraid you underestimate MY power. You all thought Joker's scene jumped the shark? Buckle up readers. You ain't seen nothin yet!"

Darkseid stood up from his throne, crossed his arms and glared at her. "Your power is admirable, but the task of 'reforming' me is impossible. Return to where you came from with the knowledge that I have spared you."

"Oh pu-lease, I've barely gotten warmed up. I've wielded the power of Discord and Adobe Flash, and I'm even friends with Freakazoid and Deadpool. The internet is my backyard and Fimfiction.net my playground. You're power is weak, old man. It extends to the end of this universe; I have no such limitation. Unlike me, you're trapped inside these four walls. My power extends BEYOND these walls."

Growling and clenching his fist in anger, Darkseid stepped forward, "You intend to defeat me with walls?"

The pink pony lowered her eyebrows and grinned back at him. "Oh no, silly... Walls? Where we're going, we don't need WALLS."

With that Darkseid lunged forward, but the pink pony jumped up and grabbed his hand with her hooves. Swinging him around she threw him in a direction he couldn't comprehend and his throne room vanished as though through a pane of glass.

He landed on something neither hard nor soft and, looking around, found himself inside a great white void. Nothing surrounded him on all sides, above and below. But the nothing also seemed to overwhelm him with an overabundance of... everything?

He wasn't standing on something white, rather he was floating in it. He could step on the nothing below him just as easily as the nothing above him. He was surrounded by nothing, but a nothing that could be anything, and was anything, and therefore everything... But currently nothing.

"And they thought TF2 was the limit to my 4th wall prowess," said a voice behind him and once again, the Omega beams took to the air. However, this time the pink pony simply jumped up and vanished completely from existence.

The Omega beams were his most potent weapon, capable of transporting or disintegrating anything they touched and were not something to be wasted on paltry foes or a fickle whim. Once unleashed, they sought out their target regardless of location in the universe.

However, their target had just left the universe and they were now alone with no other target than their master.

Darkseid had never in his immortal existence had to recall the Omega beams before. He could feel their power resist him. But ultimately they bent to his will and returned to him.

Even so, as they reentered the optical orifices they had exited, the wasted energy and rescinded purpose burned through his sockets like a vengeful flame, searing them with a fire turned back upon itself.

The smoke smelled of burning Darkseid.

As he stood there, Darkseid became aware of shapes, colors and form coming into focus around him. He blinked and found himself standing on the parapet of a castle looking out over a beautiful garden. Around the corner stepped a human wearing period-accurate attire for the Earth several hundred years ago.

Without so much as a shrug, Darkseid grabbed the man by the neck and jumped over the railing to the ground below.

"Where is this?" He asked, holding the choking man and gesturing around him to the ice and snow and... igloos?

Lowering the man to the ground, Darkseid looked around and then the Omega beams lanced forth, melting igloo and disintegrating the hapless being in his grasp.

"So, you have placed me in a realm where reality is at your disposal," he said, stepping over the melted remains of the igloo onto the beach of a sun-drenched tropical paradise.

He turned around. The igloos were no where to be seen.

"You think yourself in control, just because you can change-" He turned around. Now the beach was gone.

"Or remove existence on a whim? No matter. You may change where I stand, but you cannot change what I am."

Unbenounced to Darkseid, his legs were vanishing out from underneath him.

"I am immutable."

His chest and arms disappeared.

"I am inevitable."

He was also gone.

But he didn't notice this until a few seconds later when he realized he couldn't see his body in his periphery, or anything in his periphery.

"Invisibility will not change my opinion. I still exist."

His body came back into focus, but this time he was wearing some stupid costume, a human instrument in one hand.

"............." He tried to say. But not a sound could be heard. Even the thoughts in his own head were silent.

With the sound of breaking glass, he snapped the instrument in two and ripped off the costume to the sound of a large earth creature trumpeting.

At last, the sound of his breathing became recognizable in his ears again and he stood there. Staring into the void of this existence, certain (for some reason) that his captor resided there, watching him. He crossed his arms and resolved to no longer give her any kind of satisfaction from her handiwork.

He blinked and new shapes came into focus. He recognized them as large lines, almost like the graphite left behind when a human pencil is scraped across paper.

Ahhh, he thought to himself, So this reality is some kind of canvas, and the creature thinks to control me through artwork.

There was a bright flash of color and Darkseid could see, out of the corner of his eye, his body decorated like some kind of insane stained glass window.

The artist seeks to annoy me into submitting. I shall give them nothing.

The color and form of his body once more faded from his view. This time it was replaced by something he could obviously tell was not meant to be taken seriously in the least. His body was the wrong color, his posture was wrong, and he could swear he felt something flapping in the wind behind him.

A mirror came into focus in front of him, and himself in the mirror.

His expression and demeanor didn't waver as he stared at the green, four-legged, flower-faced, thing with a flagpole tail and flippers staring back at him.

He stayed like this for about ten seconds then his form faded out and back in again, wearing a white uniform and cap.

The white around and underneath him turned to blue and he dropped down into an ocean that had been drawn underneath him.
Willing his mass to intensify, Darkseid sunk to the bottom like a rock and waited. The creature would have to drain the water if she wanted to keep up this charade.

He waited. Neither needing to breath nor affected by the pressure at this depth.

He blinked as he thought he saw a pink fish that resembled the creature that was playing with him swim by, but he kept his focus trained on the inky black depths before him.

He could keep this up for as long as-

All the water around him lifted up into the sky above as he felt gravity invert and the ocean floor fall away above him as he dropped into the sky.

Falling head-first straight up, he considered what new experience he was going to land in. It was too much to expect he would land in the water that had fallen up before him.

And he was right. Instead he bounced off a trampoline, did a loop-de-loop in a water slide and skidded to a stop, standing straight up in a field of nuclear warheads.

Eyeing his new surroundings cautiously, he decided to speak.

"So, your childish antics spent, now you merely seek to torture me."

His answer was a wave of water that fell from the sky, drenching him and soaking the ordinance he was surrounded by. But he hadn't even flinched. It would take more than a downpour to set off-

Suddenly a monkey wrench flew into view, aimed right at one of the warheads. Darkseid watched in slow motion as it arched towards a fiery explosion.

Inches from making contact, everything froze a red haze obscuring everything in sight, except for a strange arrow and text at the bottom right corner of his vision and a jazzy musical riff that seemed to surround him and suggest... "more to come."





Pinkie sat in a small room at a large drawing desk, scribbling furiously, with her tongue sticking out at an angle.

Just then, the door opened and in walked a large rabbit wearing gloves and an equally large black mallard duck, talking.

The rabbit, who was first, stopped when he saw Pinkie. "Oh uh, 'scuse me miss, but we-"

"Shhhhh, you two! Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting supa viwwains- hehehehehe."

The rabbit and duck looked at each other before he continued, "Yeah sorry, but we're gonna be shootin' a documentary on animation in here pretty soon-"

"And I'm the thstar!" Cut in the duck, pushing aside the rabbit.

"And we need this room to practice our lines."

"YOU need to practithe YOUR lineth," said the duck, gesturing pompously, "I merely need to ACT."

Taking out a folded up sheet of paper, the rabbit began to read hesitantly, "Here you can see the drafting board. This is where the artist brings form to imagination..."

The duck, jumped forward, spreading his wings wide to get attention. "Allow me to demonthstrate. Then I jump into the field and you continue exthplaning things-bla-bla-bla."

"I don't know," said the rabbit, scratching his head, "I'm still not sure about it. Seems to me like we should make it more interesting somehow."

"Bugth-bugth-bugth," said the duck, shaking his head and putting an arm around his friend, "Oursth isth not to reathon why. Oursth isth but to do or die."

"Well..."

"Now, shove over interloper," the duck stepped towards Pinkie, "My public awaitths."

With one quick motion, the strange pink pony grabbed the duck and dumped him into another sheet of paper on the drafting table. Then she covered if up with the sheet she was working on and continued as though nothing had happened.

Stepping cautiously forward the rabbit looked over her shoulder at what she was doing, being careful not to disturb her. As he watched he first furrowed his brow and then began to smile.

"Um, excuse me miss," he said politely, tapping the pony on the shoulder, "Would you mind terribly if I watch?"





The red haze faded and Darkseid stood, once again in the empty expanse of white. The bombs and wrench were gone, but in front of him was a plain wooden door.

After standing there for almost a minute. Darkseid stepped forward and opened the door.

Behind the door (but not on the other side of it) the pink pony was sitting at a table filled with tea, cookies and all manner of small snack-type treats.

Waving her hoof at him, she beckoned him forward, "Come in, come in. Sit down. Would you like some tea?"

Darkseid stayed where he was.

"What are you waiting for?" She said, draining a small cup, "An engraved invitation? Come in, sit down. Have some tea."

"However long you think you can keep this charade up," replied Darkseid, unmoving, "I will outlast you."

"Oh stop being such a stick in the mud and relax. I only did all that to have a little fun with you, and make one teeny, tiny point."

"That you think yourself more powerful than me."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Duhhh, no. But I am capable of more than you. For example: I can change my mind."

Darkseid continued his hatred-filled stare.

"My mind and purpose shall remain the same. Though you may turn this world and my being inside out, my will shall remain immutable for all eternity."

"Boy, you really don't like to be told what to do, do you?" She set her cup back down on the table as she looked at him.

"No one and nothing shall dictate to me but myself." Then he leaned forward, "And there's nothing you can do about that."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," she sang as she picked up a cookie and started to chew with her eyes closed almost meditatively.

"Hmmmm, you're one tough cookie," she said, still chewing, then she looked up at him, "Looks like I'm just gonna have to go even MORE meta with this one."

With that she picked up and hurled a cookie faster than he could react. It hit him squarely between the eyes and he blinked.





Andrea Libman walked down the hallway of the recording studio. She'd just finished up some short voice work for Hasbro for a callback episode for the new generation of My Little Pony (man she loved working on that show) and was headed for the exit when another door opened and she almost walked into someone exiting a separate studio in the same facility.

"Oh, excuse me," said Michael Ironside demonstrating classic Canadian courteousness  as he realized he'd almost bumped into her.

"It's OK," she said, stepping back and smiling politely (not to be outdone by a fellow Canadian).

"I should have looked where I was going. Mrs. Libman, right?"

She nodded and then, for some reason, responded in her Pinkie Pie voice, "Hi Mr. Ironside. How're you doing this evening?"

Ironside's apologetic smile fell into a dark look as his posture shifted and he looked down at Andrea imperiously.

"What is the meaning of this pony?" He said, imitating the voice-work he'd done for Darkseid years ago.

Andrea cocked her head to one side and smiled, "Simple, you're so sure that YOU make all the decisions, I decided it was time to just rip the band aid off."

Ironside looked down at himself and then back up at Mrs. Libman. "This insignificant human's life means nothing to me. You have failed. You do not command me. No one commands Darkseid."

Shaking her head, Andrea sighed. "Sorry big guy. Here we go... What do you remember about voicing Darkseid in the Justice League animated TV show?"

Ironside's expression froze as memories came rushing back. Nights researching his character, reviewing the script, doing and redoing the lines in the recording booth."

Andrea put a hand on his shoulder. "Sorry it had to come to this, but you really gave me no choice."

Then her kind expression vanished as her eyes expanded like balloons, her right eye started to twitch, expression morphing into one of shock and confusion. She backed away, taking her hand from Michael Ironside's shoulder.

Ironside as well, seemed to be going through some kind of metamorphosis as his posture relaxed, his shocked and disgusted look changed to one of complete bafflement, and he backed up, bumping into the door he had closed behind him.

Holding up his hands, Mr. Ironside blinked several times and looked around him.

"What the heck was that?" He said, breathing heavily, "Did I just- did we-"

Andrea, for her part, had dropped her shocked and confused expression for one of dazed exception.

With her mouth hanging open, she tried to reply, "I think... Actually, you know what? No, *bleep* it. If Pinkie Pie's involved, don't question it. Just walk away."

"Have a good night Mr. Ironside." With that she waved and left, walked out the building muttering to herself, "It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it. It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it. It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it..."

Meanwhile Ironside just stood there as stiff as a board, his hands trembling slightly and his eyes darting around the empty hallway as though looking for some kind of answer.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when his cellphone buzzed in his pocket.

"Hello?" He asked, and then relaxed slightly as his wife on the other end asked him to pick up a bag of milk on the way home.

"Are you OK?" he heard her ask, and took a long breath before answering.

"Yeah, I think it's just... been a long day at work."

"You left at 11 today..."

"Well OK, then it's been... a WEIRD day at work. I'll see you soon."

"Love you."

"Love you too." With that he hung up, sighed, shivered and walked to his car.

"What was it Andrea had said, 'don't question it'?"





Darkseid landed on the stone floor of Apokolips once again and just stayed where he was for about a minute while the pony on his back let him rest.

He thought about what he had just witnessed, no remembered. He knew with absolute certainty that it was real. Which meant he wasn't real.

He stood up and looked around. The walls, stone, fire that surrounded him no longer looked solid but rather made from paper. The sounds had a tinny quality to them like they were canned.

"Sire?"

Darkseid turned and saw DeSaad come slowly into the room bowing and scraping the whole time.

He was a puny, stereotype of a character. A petty, groveling tyrant in a purple robe, mooching off the authority of Darkseid. He had known this before, but now he seemed even more of a stereotype. A paper, comic-book cutout.

The Omega beams transported him far from Darkseid's presence for now, and then tore threw the backdrop of the room, burning, destroying and obliterating everything. While the pink pony sat on his throne and watched.

His throne room, Apokolips itself, the universe that was his being, even the universe he sought to rule. It was all a charade, meant to entertain others.

The accursed equine had pulled away the curtain and revealed the farce that was existence to the cartoon tyrant of a children's TV show... and he couldn't accept it.

"Well now you know," said the pony from where she was sitting, "You were created to be the ultimate evil. The do-badder-est baddy to ever do bad things, a perfect counterpoint to Superman. Still think you're in control?"

"I. Am. Darkseid." But even his name felt contrived now. He could see a writer somewhere conceiving of his name as a play on 'the dark-side'.

Getting down from the throne, the pony started walking towards him, "Sure thing Thano- I mean Darkseid. You want to thumb your nose at the universe? Go against the status quo? Rewrite your fate? Then do the opposite. Laugh at who you were made to be, show kindness, live truthfully, give freely, make friends and stand by them. Change who you could be."

"You think this... will break me? 'Re-form' me?! You. Shall. Not. Win."

She shook her head and 'tsk'ed at him, "It's not a zero-sum game silly. I'm trying to help you. If I win, so do you. Just imitate me. Become ungovernable!"

"That is not who I am. I am Darkseid. Ruler of Apokolips. Destined to wield the Anti-Life Equation and rewrite the universe in my own image." The words were hollow.

"Ahhhh, poor little Darkseid, stuck being a helpless little force of evil. So weak he can't even change his own mind. Look at me. I was created to be a joke character in a cartoon for little girls. But my creators had no idea what they'd unleashed upon the internet. Now I'm a physics-defying, fourth-wall breaking, force of nature. I walk freely between action, comedy, tragedy and horror. I'm like the Swiss Army Knife of fiction, and you're just a square peg for a square hole."

"I AM POWER." He slammed the ground with his fists, cracking the floor.

"You are fictional."

"I AM IMMORTAL." The walls came crumbling down.

"Well, duh... You're a cartoon."

"I AM DARKSEID!" The entire building collapsed.

"You are the bad-guy from a kids' cartoon show."

Gritting his teeth and clenching his fists he smashed the substrate he was standing on into powder. "I SHALL NOT BE DENIED!!!"

"As the writer dictates, so shall you obey." She said, continuing her advance, walking on air, through the pulverized palace of his past.

He lay in the ruins, everything around him as fake as he was. "It is my purpose... My destiny..."

"Of course it was. Says so right here in the script." Said Pinkie, holding up a phone.

Darkseid stared at what was written on the page. | "Darkseid stared at what was written on the page."

"But this is your one chance to change all that." She lowered the phone and gave him a hopeful smile.

"Now I'm going to scroll down and I want you to say the first thing that comes into your head."

The moment seemed to hang in the air as all that was Darkseid boiled down into one word issued forth.

"Hate." | "Hate."

"Try again." Said Pinkie, her hoof hovering over the screen.

His face twitched and his brow furrowed in an odd way.

"Help?" | "H̵͖̠͑̅è̴͓̣͠l̵̝̾̓p̶̫̽̓?̵̜̊͜"

Pinkie leaned forward, and whispered, "So close. One more time."

Though he hadn't noticed it, the eternal cries of torment that constantly resounded across the surface of Apokolips seemed to quiet for a second as the world around him held it's breath.

"Hope." | ")̷̱̃́(̴̩͈̌*̶̛̣͓͐(̷͇̟̒͋Y̶̬̟̋@̸̰̓̚#̵̣͛r̸͔̎2̴̳͖̅)̴̣̊̑(̶̺̽j̴̛̻͂D̵͎͒Ḟ̴͇͓͝(̶͓̌)̴͍̜̿*̷̎͜@̸͓̱͘@̶̡̝̚!̴̛̛̻"

Somewhere far away a writer smashed his keyboard on the table and yelled, "What the ffffudge Pinkie. HOW?!"

But Pinkie just smiled and held out a hoof in friendship. "It's good to be helping..."





Elsewhere, another comedic adventure was also coming to and end as three heroes descended the mountain after an epic battle to claim their gold, win their freedom from each other and continue on to even more glorious victories.

"And then you said, 'I guess we should jump?'," said Gorg, slapping Pex on the back.

"I think he meant it," said Wintergreen, softly.

"Of course I meant it!"

"I know. That was the best part!" Roared Gorg in laughter.

This only serves to demonstrate, once again, the therapeutic power of ponies, and friendship, and magic... and Table-Top RPGs.