Chapter 7: Kids and Counselors
Lobo was really beginning to regret his decision to bring this pony with him. At first she'd seemed cool, then she'd convinced him to leave the planet he'd been planning to mulch alone, after this she'd gotten him to pull over and install an air-freshener for his artificial atmosphere generator, and on top of all this, she'd managed to get all this with hardly any words.
Lobo was used to females that never shut up, this one was too quiet. He wasn't sure how much longer his nerves could take it.
Finally, he hit the brakes and turned around to face the peaceful pegasus.
"Would you stop just sittin' there! Say something!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to be rude."
"Do you know who I am? Rude's my whole thing. I don't take no crud from anyone or anything. And if anyone tries I jus' ventilate 'em and that shuts 'em up."
"That's not very nice."
Lobo stared at her.
"I'm a bounty hunter. You don't get much done with 'nice'."
"I think you'd be surprised just how much a little kindness can accomplish," she said, smiling.
Lobo dragged his hand down his face as he groaned. This was the one thing the little passenger wouldn't shut up about, kindness and friendship and magic and garbage...
"Want me to prove it?" She tilted her head to one side and raised an eyebrow, "I'm pretty sure I could complete more bounties with kindness than you could with your methods."
Lobo laughed.
"If I do, we get to do what I want."
Lobo stopped laughing and gave her a one-eyed glare.
"Sure, whatever. But if you don't, I ditch you on the most uninhabited planet I find."
With her eyes closed, she smiled and nodded at him.
Lobo grinned. He had an idea for the perfect bounty for this pest. An impossible bounty that had been left unclaimed for years. Hundreds had failed, while he'd never worried about it because leaving it unclaimed was more entertaining for him. But he'd love to see this dinky pony try her hoof at it.
"Let's see you solve Cedrix-6 with 'kindness'." With a roar and an 'eep' the bike reversed course and darted toward one of the least traveled quadrants of any sector.
Blasted out buildings, craters and smoking ruins floated by as Lobo and Fluttershy flew across the dead landscape of one of Cedrix-6's moons. What was left of the city was quiet, especially for a system who's sun was popularly known as "the death star". It was rumored something about the star's radiation would drive those who visited insane. Every planet, moon, asteroid and comet in the system was mortal enemies with themselves and everyone else.
The battles had raged for as long as could be remembered. Every millennium or so one rare leader or (even rarer) two, would "attempt" peace talks. As they rounded some barely standing buildings, they came upon the shell of a stadium where it appeared one of these fabled talks was currently being held.
Two vast armies were camped on either side of the stadium. Meanwhile inside, two races were barely inches away from kicking off the fighting once again.
The two races "attempting" peace this time, were a race of automata and a race of lion-like aliens. The two leaders stood on either side of a block of rubble, collapsed pillars around them, with soldiers (armed to the teeth) behind them.
None of them paid Lobo or his strange passenger any mind. Ever since he'd taken to watching the races in this system duke it out every now and then, and obliterated a few groups that tried attacking him, they'd left him alone to his entertainment.
Parking his bike, Lobo leaned back against it and grinned as he watched his poor pony passenger peer perplexed as the problem presented itself to her.
Five minutes passed. Neither side gave way or rescinded their demands. Lobo pulled out a snack and started eating, thankful that they'd arrived at the best part. They couldn't be more than a few seconds away from recommencing the carnage. The tension was so thick you could poke it with a stick, and it just kept mounting.
At last, both leaders pointed their weapons at each other and were about to open fire when...
A yellow pegasus stepped between them into the line of fire. Her glare caused both them and their armies to flinch.
"You should be ashamed of yourselves."
Lobo froze, and his snack managed to wriggle its way out of his grasp without him noticing.
"You are supposed to be leaders! You're here to discuss peace with each other not for your own sakes but for those who support you."
Both parties stole awkward glances behind them. Their armies as well looked at each other abashedly.
"Now I want both of you to apologize to each other, forgive one another and hug."
The two leaders approached each other looking at the ground.
"Well?"
The lion-race's leader spoke first, "I'm... sorry we attacked first. We are proud of our strength and we made a mistake."
"Ahem." Fluttershy coughed, "Look at each other when you're talking."
The leader of the synthetic race twitched and their eye-stalks leveled at the other leader. "We too apologize for our actions. We understand that your pride is as natural as our desire for freedom. We shall release our prisoners."
"Not before we release our prisoners." Said the other leader, striking their chest in a show of strength.
Then both leaders glanced nervously towards the sound of a tapping hoof.
"Now hug."
Stepping forward both leaders extended a hand in peace to the other.
"I said hug!" Said Fluttershy in a voice that brooked no argument.
Silence settled over the battlefield as both races watched the most awkward hug in history take place.
Lobo's mouth dropped open.
For some reason, the peace talks continued on much smoother now with Fluttershy sitting in the middle of the table smiling back and forth between both races.
Lobo stood off to the side, banging his head against anything solid he could find.
After an hour or two, Fluttershy got down off the table and walked back over to him. He'd managed to work his way through 4 columns, 2 walls and a statue and was currently slamming his forehead against the side of a building.
"They've decided to be friends."
He groaned.
"And now that they're done fighting, they also have a bounty they'd like us to accomplish for them."
He groaned louder.
"Oh stop being such a baby. We've got more bounties to accomplish, and besides, you promised."
His groan was a roar as, with a final head-bashing, the wall came crumbling down and he stomped over to the rocket-cycle.
"What's the bounty?" He growled.
"The leader of the Albanites says his son ran away several days ago and he wants us to bring him home."
With a "Rgragagargarogagrrrrr...." Lobo's growl was drowned out by his cycle and the two of them left the stadium, both races waving goodbye to the gentle pegasus bounty hunter and her new companion.
It was a beautiful day in Metropolis, the birds were singing, the sun was shining and a recently caffeinated Lois Lane was headed for the elevator of her apartment complex.
As she passed by Kent's door, she paused once again. She could swear she heard him talking to someone, so she knocked.
Almost a minute later, an unshaven, disheveled and confused Clark answered his door with a blank expression and a cup of cold coffee.
"Hey Smallville, everything went OK with your folks?" She asked.
"My folks?" he responded in a monotone.
"Your weekend? The farm?"
He shook his head and blinked, "Uh, yeah they're fine... I think."
"You think?" Lois gave him a raised eyebrow, "You OK Clark? You seem out of it."
"Sorry Lois. I've got a headache and... a few other problems at the moment."
Lois tried leaning to one side to see into Clark's apartment but he leaned with her to block her view.
"Alright Smallville, hope you feel better. I know Perry needs volunteers for a couple assignments today."
Clark seemed to gain some focus before replying, "Thanks Lois, I think I'll be able to make it in. Things are just kind of... confused at the moment."
With that, he said goodbye and closed the door.
There was a muffled but audible, "BUT WHY... PONIES?!" from the apartment and Lois shook her head and continued down the hallway.
"You can take the boy off the farm, but you apparently can't take the farm out of the boy." She muttered as the elevator doors closed.
"Hey Clark, Lois said you weren't feeling too hot today."
Clark looked up from his desk to see Jimmy Olsen, or rather a large stack of papers being held by Jimmy Olsen.
"I had a headache this morning but that's cleared up," replied Clark, twirling a pencil, "It's just... Ever had one of those days where nothing makes any sense?"
"Sure," said Jimmy, the stack weaving back and forth as he balanced it, "Every time I ask out Sandra from personnel. Why do women have to be so complicated?"
"If I could answer that I wouldn't need to work here," answered Clark, adjusting his glasses.
Suddenly people started running past them towards the stairs.
Clark managed to catch the arm of someone.
"Hey Bill, where's everyone going?"
"Didn't you hear Kent? Toyman's robbing Central and Third Bank."
"Toyman?!" Came Jimmy's voice, as Clark was hit in the head by the collapsing stack.
"Oh man! I'm sorry Mr. Kent. My mistake- I gotta- Man, I'm missing some major pictures!"
Clark took hold of Jimmy's shoulder and helped him up, "Jimmy, you go get your camera. I'll handle this."
"You sure Mr. Kent? It was my fault."
"Jimmy, Perry needs pictures of Toyman, and I've got plenty of time to clean this up. It's no problem."
"Thanks Clark, I swear I'll return the favor later."
I'm sure you will, thought Clark as he watched him run off. Then, after a quick look around, the stack reassembled itself in a couple seconds. Clark didn't see the left drawer on his desk slide open as he stood up though.
"Toyman eh? Well Jimmy, I'd say this is a job-" His monologue was cut short as a bag of plastic ponies was chucked out of the drawer and clocked him in the back of his head.
Picking it up, Clark sighed. "This might be the only one that kind of makes any sense. But this time, I'm keeping a close eye on all of you."
Toyman appeared to have completely ditched any semblance of stealth with his current robbery method.
"When the safe is time-locked, one needs all the time one can spare," he whispered to himself from inside the giant 100-foot tall rock'em-sock'em robot. Ripping the entire bank's safe out through the hole in the ceiling had been a cinch. However, the robbery was only part of the puzzle. The other piece had yet to arrive.
With a jerk, Toyman felt something try to pull the safe out of his grasp. He let go with one robotic hand and swatted at Superman who dodged like a mosquito.
"Strapped for cash Toyman?" He asked as he floated just out of reach.
"No, just trying to get your attention." Came the voice through the robot's loudspeakers.
"You're going to need a bigger toy than that if you plan on getting away with this."
"Oh this is just the advertisement," responded Toyman from the drivers seat, "The exclusive action figure hasn't come out yet."
With that he began hitting buttons on his console, and the chest of the robot opened up to reveal a large laser array of some sort.
"Say hello to my new playmate Superman," said Toyman as he activated the genetic locator and matter reconstituter, "I'm sure you two are familiar. Now play nice."
There was a flash of light and a large gray creature materialized in the beam and dropped to the pavement below.
"OH NO!" Said Superman as the creature stepped out of the crater in the street and roared in fury at anything and everything around it.
"Hey Starlight, OPCCKODD!" Yelled a small voice from the pouch at his side and he glanced down to see a blue unicorn sticking her head out.
"OPCCKODD? Where?" Another unicorn stuck her head out of the pouch as he tried to push them back in.
"Get down you two!" Said Superman, taking a deep breath as he stared at Doomsday, "I just hope I can take him."
"Don't worry about me Superman. I'm a qualified councilor." Came the voice of the second unicorn from his hand and with a *pop* she was out of the pouch and flying through the air, "THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR OPCCKODD!"
Superman dove down trying to catch her, but it was too late.
With an earth-shattering *KABOOM* Doomsday brought both of his hands together over the mare in a thunderous clap that caused a shockwave obliterating every window within 40 blocks and sending the Man of Steel flying back into the side of another building.
Pulling himself out of the crater he'd made in the wall, Superman stared in horror at what had once been a cute (if over enthusiastic) living pony figurine.
"I tried to stop her..."
"Don't worry super-person, my friend Starlight knows what she's doing."
Suddenly, another shockwave of pinkish energy flashed out from Doomsday's hands. It washed over Superman and down the street, mending concrete, metal and glass alike.
A confused Doomsday watched the wave of energy fade into the distance before examining his hands. Opening them slightly he stared into-
*BZAAAT*
A cone of the same colored energy blasted him in the face, knocking him off his feet.
Then Superman watched in shock as Doomsday calmly got back up, placed an unharmed pony figurine on his shoulder and walked over to Superman with a blank look on his face.
He practically went bug-eyed as Doomsday extended a hand to help him up.
"Hey Superman, Doomsday and I are going to go somewhere quiet to discuss ways for him to work out his aggressive tendencies. Trixie, you're up next. OPCCKODD: Executed."
With a wave and another magical *pop* both Doomsday and pony vanished, leaving the equally confused Superman and Toyman staring at where they'd just been. Superman, having some experience with this kind of situation, recovered first and looked down at the blue unicorn who was still sticking out of his pouch.
"What's opcod?"
"Sorry super-person but my public awaits. Talk to the pink one."
With that the unicorn pulled herself out of the pouch and up onto the back of his hand, she traversed it and nudged his thumb to get him to flip it over so she could climb into his palm.
"Nice and easy underhand please," she said, turning to face the supervillain.
Superman looked from her to the giant robot and then sighed, closing his eyes in a slightly pained expression. He floated into the air and hovered about a quarter block away from his target before lobbing the pony in an easy underhand arc towards the giant red robot, it's fists raised in preparation for battle.
With a tiny battle-cry of "TEACUP!" the robot vanished from the middle of the street to be replaced with a huge, round, lite-pink tea-drinking implement. Both Toyman and the blue pony slid down the sides to the center where they were effectively trapped till the police arrived.
"Pinkie?" He asked, as he held up the pouch, as though he was summoning a genie.
"Uh-huh," she replied from his shoulder.
Superman looked from the pouch to where she stood before continuing, "What's opcod?"
"Simple Superman, just spell it out."
"O-P-C-O-?"
"Two C's and a K."
"C-C-K-O-D-"
"Two D's."
"OK, but what does O-P-C-C-K-O-D-D..."
Superman cradled his forehead in his hand as a possible meaning dawned on him and Pinkie shouted enthusiastically, "Over Powered Canon Character Knocks Out DoomsDay. OPCCKODD!"
Meanwhile, inside the giant teacup, Toyman was desperately trying to climb out.
"You might as well give up, you know," said the little blue figurine in the center of the cup with a proud tone of voice, "When the great and powerful Trixie traps someone, escape is im-possible."
Sliding back down the side, Toyman turned slowly to face his would-be captor. "Is that so? Well, if you put me here, then you'll just have to help me escape."
Trixie was sitting down, examining her hoof with apparent uninterest, "Trixie has gone straight since she met her great and powerful friend Starlight. And now she is going to do an even greater trick than the fabled manticore escape. Using nothing more than her wits and the magic of friendship, she will transform a super-villain into a friend."
"I don't think so," said the Toyman, pulling a plastic squirt-gun from his jacket pocket.
"TEACUP!" The squirt-gun was now a teacup, hanging off his trigger finger.
A weaponized jump-rope, Rubix cube, silly putty and yo-yo were all quickly teacup-ed, until the villain was all out of toys.
Angrily he grabbed her in his hands and pointed her at the surrounding teacup like some kind of weapon, "Get me out of here!"
He stayed like this for several seconds before shaking the plastic pony in anger. "DO SOMETHING!"
When she remained silent, he threw her with all his might at his ceramic surroundings. Rather than bouncing off however, she glowed blue and slowed till she touched the side and then slid back down to the center with Toyman.
He grabbed her a second time and this time tried smashing her against the bottom of the teacup, there was a tiny explosion and proud shout of "SMOKE BOMB!" and his empty hand smacked the floor as something landed on his head.
"Taa-daa!"
Toyman sat there, fuming. He had no weapons, no gadgets, no tricks up his sleeve, no escape plan and, worst of all, his captor wouldn't shut up about her 'great and powerful friendship' nonsense.
Superman watched with his X-ray vision as the two characters argued in the cup and he explained the situation to the police officers. The Metropolis Police officers weren't too keen on allowing anyone or anything in the vehicle with the Toyman, but eased up on restrictions when he mentioned Star Labs, Professor Hamilton and a new method of dealing with criminals similar to the Parasite.
Toyman actually seemed relieved when the officers pulled him out of the giant teacup filled with one villain, one plastic pony and a collection of similar, smaller teacups. However, that relief vanished when he saw they didn't listen to him about getting rid of the silent, little, blue menace.
The officers just shrugged at each other as they locked him in the back of the secure transportation vehicle and chucked the blue toy in after him. One of the officers even smirked as he watched Toyman try to shrink away from it, before they closed the doors.
As Superman placed the safe back into the hole in the bank he wondered what the other pony was doing with Doomsday.
Ducks floated in the pond and a gentle breeze blew across the grass and flowers as Starlight and Doomsday sat, sipping empathy cocoa.
Or at least Starlight was sipping. Doomsday just sat there, holding the mug with a scowl.
With a dark look at the hot beverage and then at the friendly unicorn, he silently extended the mug towards her. She in turned looked back at him.
"Alright, you convinced me," she said rolling her eyes and, with a shimmer, a slew of soft, sugary goodness replaced the single marshmallow in the mug.
The mug retracted, there was a quiet slurp, and Doomsday settled back against the tree with an almost contented smile.
"Now, you were telling me about your father..."