As you probably know, I didn’t stay home daynight like I previously said I would. You’ll have to forgive me for the lie as I was practically crawling up the walls. As you probably also know, I left home for work a lot earlier than I usually do. My reasoning behind my early departure was stated in the second sentence. Now, ignoring your questions, my daynight was absolutely filled with odd happenings. Shall we? Of course we shall, I’m the one calling the shots after all. Be warned, Booky, this one will be kind of long…which is exactly what she said (Ha, get it?)…which brings forth the question as to why she would be warning you of something being long…if you don’t mind, I’m just gonna ignore that this sentence ever happened.
First order of business, I left the house around seven PM or so. If you’ll pull up the file of your archives about my schedule you’ll recall that is when I usually have some FREE TIME scheduled. That worked wonderfully for me in terms of the schedule. However, I had absolutely no intention of returning home after spending the entirety of my mevening and a significant portion of my nightday locked up inside. That being said (In this case, written, I guess.), the first thing I’d like to report on is Carty’s condition.
Applejack’s comments about how Carty broke had gotten me worked up into quite the emotional state. Being the worrywart that I am, I couldn’t help but expect the worst when I finally got a good look at him when I left for work. And no, I did not get a good look at him earlier when I was confronted with what was apparently expected to be a necessary number of ponies. To my great relief he came away from this one relatively unscathed. Save the obviously replaced axle and a few new spokes in the wheels, Big Macintosh worked a miracle on my dearest friend (Do not even start with me right now, Booky, Carty and I work together and thus share a bond you will never understand.) and I feel obligated to do something nice for him and his cool family. Tartarus, even Applejack deserves something special for her share of the work. Perhaps I could treat the four of them (Could be more if they’ve been hiding some more family members over on that farm of theirs.) to a proper dinner not cooked in some farmer’s kitchen.
With my heart warmed from being reunited with Carty, I set off for the market with him in tow. Before you ask, yes, I did remember to wear my totally awesome bowtie thingy, which, I suppose, helped a great deal in not scaring off the few ponies I could see on the street. There were a few jerks that dove out of sight when they noticed me. Do they think I am an Ursa Major or something like that? Idiots, that’s what they all are. Unless their names were either Derpy Hooves or Pinkie Pie, I was of no threat to them. The few that didn’t dash away were pretty cool as they stared at me, ignored me, or waved semi-genuinely at me. I even saw that nice stallion who gave me the rose. If I wasn’t on the job then I’d gladly have thanked him once more for his kindness. What threw me off my game was the waving. Honestly, I’ve never been openly welcomed into Ponyville which, coupled with the fact that nopony had waved at me since my arrival, produced the most awkward nods of acknowledgement to have ever existed.
Anycrew, my first destination was the one I ran across first; Rose’s flower stand. I’m assuming that I should’ve felt lucky or something that she was still open, but I can say that I felt nothing of the sort. Why, you would ask if you had a mouth? Well, it’s really simple my dear tome; I hadn’t quite recovered from the humiliation from the mevening and thus was kind of emotionally dead. Before you get all worried about me, my emotional deadness was actually helpful when I dealt with Rose. It allowed me to avoid having any subtext of fury or depression in my voice and instead helped me produce a tone of voice that sounded almost happy. I must point out that I used the quantifier ‘almost’ right there.
Rose, in a move that will probably haunt me for eternity, actually smiled a REAL smile. How could I tell? Her eyes, those damned happy eyes. A pony can lie all they want, but their eyes will never display anything but the truth. I really wasn’t prepared to deal with such surprises when I left the house this nightday and thus responded in the best way I could; a nervous smile. I’m good at those. I pull one off every time a mare I have to rely on a mare for anything. Rose didn’t seem to be wise to my dilemma and asked happily if I was there to get some more flowers for Rainbow Dash. In that moment I felt betrayed by fate as I missed a true opportunity for some quality rudeness. If only she hadn’t tacked on the lesbian’s name then I could’ve responded with the most sarcastic things I could think of, but no; she had to ruin my fun without even knowing she was. Or did she know and was only the latest part of the conspiracy to make my life suck more? Hm, food for thought, after all, mares are not to be trusted.
My reasoning behind getting the lesbian some more flowers was very sound; I need allies. I’ve hinted at this before when I mentioned plan GETTING’ BUSY. In the coming months I’d like to have at least one or two ponies actually on my side in an issue. Twilight is out of the question as she seems eternally pissed at me for one reason or another. Rarity, despite having earned the slightest bit of my respect, is still out of the question. She needs to prove to me that she’s loyal beyond opinion and thus will be able to side with me when I’m clearly in the wrong. That Fluttershy mare is still a bit of a mystery. I’m not sure if I hate her, fear her, love her, or unbiased towards her. Thus I cannot rely on her (Please refer back to my statement regarding the level of trust mares naturally receive from me.) to be in my corner. Pinkie Pie…well…she’ll probably be in the corner across from me. Applejack’s already earned my trust by being useful and not stupid. The lesbian is a different story. She seems like the most brash and confrontational out of Ponyville’s ponies (She even stood up to me when I was clearly in the right.) and thus would be a valuable ally in a problem. Not too sure about Mayor Mare. She’s kind of like Fluttershy in that regard as I’m not sure I want to have her in my corner. Here’s my ally count as it stands:
Big Macintosh (I’m pretty sure he trusts me, though I’ve been wrong before.) and Applejack…that’s pathetic. Especially when you consider that I’ll be taking my vengeance on the retards eventually and I do not plan on being merciful with them. What could be problematic is that both seem pretty popular and thus have a lot of support. That being such, I need some allies I can trust. That’s where the lesbian and the English-accented mare come in. They’ll be very useful when the time comes for me to exact my vengeance. I’d venture to say that Rose could be a definite candidate, but with this new possibility of her being a part of some sort of mass conspiracy to assure my despair, I feel that I cannot trust her at all.
After my dealings with the ‘mole’, my nightday was to proceed swimmingly towards my goal of thanking the Apples for their care of Carty, but that was not the case. I must admit that one of the three encounters that postponed my goal from being reached was actually quite enjoyable and provided me with a victory all its own.
While I could rationalize the waving and smiles as being paranoid acts performed to drive me away, being directly approached by two mares was harder to understand. Before I get into that whole bit of philosophical ravings, allow me to detail the scene for you as I have done with the first two items of this list.
I was walking away from the flower stand having just purchased some daisies (Once more I have no clue on whether or not they were actually daisies.) for the lesbian when I heard a declaration that proves the failure of the Equestrian education system, “Hey you, Mr. Guy!”
Let that sink in. Absorb those words and understand that a mare deemed educated enough to walk amongst other ponies screamed them in the market. Should I be ashamed? I mean, ‘Mr. Guy’…why not just leave it at the ‘Hey you’ part? Why tack on the redundant title? However, I’m trying to relate to you the story of my nightday. There will be time for these thoughts later during my sleepy sleeps.
The source of the accursed words was a very oddly colored unicorn, which is saying a lot in a word very vibrant with colors. I would’ve reacted with disgust towards her insult to all things vocal had I not been so stricken upon seeing her. Well, that’s not fair, she’s nothing special. That being such, the thing that had me stricken was the pony standing next to her with a thinly veiled embarrassed look on her face. Yeah, I can tell you’ve got it all figured you little scamp; the pony standing next to the destroyer of the beautifully spoken word was none other than the grey mare with the hot English accent. Heh, seems pretty funny now that I think about it. I finally get to meet the source of that hot voice and she has to be standing next to a mare that was singularly responsible for destroying the work of generations of linguists who worked themselves to death making our language beautiful and efficient.
Anydoo, I can definitely say this mare (The one with the hot English accent, not the murderer of words.) is a lot hotter up close. However, in favor of avoiding a few cold showers, I shall continue on without a physical description.
Though I was able to hide my amazement pretty well, I’m pretty sure they figured something was up as the cyan one kind of beamed awkwardly at me in greeting while the hot one let it slip that a blush was hiding in her face somewhere.
She’s so freaking hot! She definitely pulls off the bowtie thing (Just not as wonderfully as I do.)!
What they wanted was to thank me for finding their instruments for them, the lyre for the not-hot one and the cello bow for the hot one. Their reactions kind of stumped me as I wasn’t sure whether or not Twilight revealed to anypony where she found the wonderful things I sold to her. They told me that the uglier of the two asked the nerd where her lyre was found and Twilight could only tell her that I had found it. I’m assuming the hot one figured it out pretty quickly that I was the culprit who had found her precious bow.
Anyglue, they thanked me and tried to be on their merry way, but I wasn’t having any of it. I ‘kindly’ ushered the ugly one (Whose name I learned is the amazingly clever Lyra.) away by directing my comments at the grey mare (Whose name is Octavia, not Octopus as I previously thought.).
To make a short story even shorter, I asked her out and she agreed (A little hesitantly, but that’s to be expected since I caught her in an alley having somepony suck snake venom out of her neck.). She told me that she was free Saturday at noon…which is right in the middle of my sleepy sleeps. However, I’m fine with that. If it means getting me some quality strange, then I do not mind. I’m afraid some finesse will be required as I’m not looking to dispose of her afterwards. I’m looking for an ally and thus I’ll need to proceed carefully.
Well, as you might be able to guess, that little encounter left me practically giddy…or as giddy as I can get when buttons aren’t involved. Aha, I can see your binding twitch in anticipation, you know what happens next don’t ya boy? I’m glad to see that one of my amazing super senses is rubbing off on you. You see, no sooner had Octavia left my presence did my annoyance radar begin to go off. As if she had planned it so, Pinkie Pie appeared beside me just as my extra sense kicked in, which is the perfect conclusion to a truly happy moment.
The amount of sarcasm in that paragraph is painful.
I bet you’re wondering the exact same thing I was wondering when she spoke up; what was her excuse for cutting in right there? According to her, so you know it will be reasonable and logical, she had been following me since I left home and had been waiting on me to get into a good mood before approaching me. Remember, in the second-to-last paragraph, when I said it seemed as though she planned it? Well, I was right. To be honest, I believed her when she explained that. It makes total sense that she would wait for the exact moment I was actually happy to appear and ruin it. I’ve begun to actually expect her to ruin ANY happy mood of mine. Short of burning me alive, that mare has put me through some of the most strenuous mental trauma I’ve ever been through. That’s not to say the pain Derpy put me through was any less, but it’s to say that Pinkie hasn’t physically burned a house down on top of me.
It is here that I must mention the oddness of her appearance. I can honestly say that I’ve never seen her look unhappy (Not that I've ever wanted to see her, but if I ever did want to see her then that's exactly what I would want to see.). Do you want to know what else I can say honestly about that? I can say that I’d never been happier to see her in my entire life.
She spoke really slowly and was obviously trying not to either sing a song or cry. Despite the circumstances surrounding that encounter, I must say that the pink demon actually did something smart in waiting for me to be happy before talking to me. Otherwise I might’ve done something she would regret. I listened to what she had to say (Not that I had a choice as I am well aware how fast that freak is.) and she actually managed to surprise me when she apologized. Now ponies don’t apologize to me very often and I’m a little unsure of what a genuine one looks like, but her eyes told me that she was being serious. She honestly felt guilty that she had humiliated me and that her being herself irritated me so.
Let me warn you now that I broke character when I talked to her. It wasn’t much (As anything more would’ve provoked untold horrors in the fields of made-up curses and vulgar threats.) as my feelings for her will probably never go away, but my words were true and sincere. I won’t repeat what I said as I don’t want that memory in your archives, but I will write that I said something that meant that I didn’t really hate her for who she was, I really only hate her because she behaves like that towards me.
To her credit, Pinkie seemed to immediately understand what I said and quickly backed off with an appreciative smile on her face. If she hadn’t utterly destroyed the happiness I was enjoying before then I might’ve straight up killed her right there. However, I had a full daynight’s work ahead of me and was riding high off of the Octavia encounter. Short story shorter; Pinkie got lucky. The same, however, could not be said for me as Celestia saw fit to just absolutely ruin whatever happiness was left in me.
Now I’m not one to get scared easily and it is rare that a pony can truly sneak up on me, but this one moment proved to be the odd one out as I was frightened out of my soul by the sudden appearance of the OTHER mare I hate.
I hate her so damn much. Booky, can you even comprehend the level of my hatred? Can books comprehend? Can books even hate? These are questions you should mull over…that is…if books other than Shirley can mull things over.
I will never know what possessed the retard to fly up behind me and wait for me to turn around. Furthermore, I will
never know why she chose to do so with an envelope clenched between her damn jaws. As a closing note to this paragraph, I will never know why I didn’t just rip her eyes out right there and stuff them down her throat (Though, in hindsight, there being a letter in her mouth would have made such a task difficult.).
The letter being in her mouth proved to be a blessing as it shut her up long enough for me to regain some composure before she could voice whatever retarded thought was running through her retarded mind as she wore a retarded look of nervousness on her retarded face. If I didn’t know any better (Which I do.) then I’d rationalize her retarded choice of action by saying that the letter was for me and she simply chose to deliver it safely in front of witnesses. Nope, my mind told me that wasn’t the case; she was just being retarded.
Allow me to immortalize my words that I spat angrily at her face, “NOT IN THE MOOD!” I’d like to think I was loud enough to create an echo as that would mean that my beautiful declaration could be heard by the mountains and thus remembered for all time.
Rather than wait for the inevitable accosting, I practically smacked her in the face with Carty (I won’t miss next time.) when I trudged around her quickly with my wooden friend behind me. And no, I didn’t have a destination in mind; I simply needed to get out of there and into a place free of retards. My instinct led me to the library…a move that proves that fate is cruel as I ran into the two Apples I was looking for in the first place.
As it turns out, there was some sort of party going on at Twilight’s, which explained why I was running into so many damn ponies. Applejack and Big Mac were on their way there when Applejack saw me. How do I know it was her that saw me and not just Mac pointing me out to her? Well, my bookish friend, I figured that little bit of information out when she called out to me sounding kind of concerned. I probably would’ve ignored her if not for her brother thankfully changing the topic of conversation from why I was hiding in my house to how Carty was doing.
Words cannot express how grateful I am to those two for looking after Carty for me. I don’t know what I’d do if he broke in a way I wouldn’t be able to fix him. If it weren’t for those damned doctors stopping me then I would’ve killed myself in the hospital after the fire. Living without Shirley was really hard…it’s still hard, but not as hard. Losing her was like having a piece of my soul ripped out. The ONLY reason I didn’t end it after I got out of the hospital was because I knew I still had Carty. I don’t know if I can survive losing him…no offense to you, but you don’t quite mean enough to me to get me to think otherwise. Don’t worry though; I’ve still got Carty so I won’t be offing myself anytime soon.
The Apples accepted my thanks with gusto. I honestly hope I never have to do that again. Not that I wasn’t really thankful for what they did or because saying thanks was hard or anything like that; I just don’t want to need their services to fix Carty again. I’d prefer him to stay in a healthy state from now on. I’m actually amazed I didn’t tear up when I was thanking them. Probably good that I didn’t as they probably already think I’m crazy. Can’t blame them, they don’t know Carty like I do and thus can’t comprehend how much it means to me that he’s back in top form.
I didn’t have anything else weird happen until much later in the daynight, but that can wait. Do you know what time it is, Booky? That’s right; it’s time to BREAK-IT-DOWN!!!!
My haul daynight is a bit strange, so prepare for the strangeness. The majority of my finds came from a ripped saddlebag that I have concluded belongs to Twilight. I found the remains of that poor piece of fabric strewn across the ground outside the library when I was on my way back to the house. It’s unfortunate that only four of the items in the destroyed thing are worth any amount of bits. However, the other items within the wreckage of the saddlebag will most likely prove themselves useful in time. Here’s the list: four books, a scroll, an envelope, a white button, a doll, and a misplaced piece of mail (Cause it’s inconceivable that a certain retarded mailmare would drop anything.).
I’ll start with the doll as it’s the weirdest thing I found. It’s crudely made, really old, and seems to have been played with a great deal. This thing is a piece of garbage. I can only hope that Twilight can use her conveniently infinite amount of spells to fix this stupid thing up and sell it to some desperate mother looking for a last minute gift for a bratty filly. Perceived value: five bits, but I’ll mark it up to ten bits.
I love the fucking button! Out of all the buttons I have ever found this is easily the nicest. It’s a pearly white thing that feels as though it is actually made out of pearls or something. Isn’t that sweet?! Perceived value: priceless…to me at least.
The books are odd and I’m not sure at what to price them, so, like everything else, let’s take a good look at each of them.
Of the four books, ‘Daring Do and the Secret of the Amethyst Pony’ is the one in the best condition. This thing looks like it’s in brand new condition. I don’t care much for the series or the liar that writes them (Yeah, she calls them fiction, but I know the truth.), but I’m not stupid enough to not know how valuable this thing is. Want to know this oddest part? This book is autographed by Daring Do herself and is signed to Rainbow Dash. This means that Twilight specially ordered this thing for the lesbian. While this severely limits the value, my dastardly brain (How I love him.) has decided to take advantage of this. I’ve got some wrapping paper around here somewhere for Hearth’s Warming Eve that has a bunch of pictures of wagon wheels (That’s what Carty likes his gifts to be wrapped in.). What I’m going to do is wrap this thing up and sign it as being for the lesbian (I’ll use her real name as a precaution.) from Twilight and me. I can’t in good conscience just hand this over as a gift from me as Twilight knows otherwise. Plus, I need to convince her to let me get away with it. Perceived value: it's gonna be a gift, which means it doesn't have a price.
The second book, ‘Space Time and Other Universal Mysteries’ is the one I’m going to mark the price up on. This thing doesn’t look to be in horrible condition and seems well read. I’m sure Twilight will be willing to pay extra on as it seems like something she’d want to keep. I’ve never seen the importance of space time or any of that other universe crap. This is Earth and we’re in Equestria; not space. However, that’s a rant for another time. Perceived value: thirty bits, but I’ll mark it up to forty bits because I'm a stinker.
‘Oh the Wonderful Places You Will Go’ is the third book of the four Twilight’s bag ushered forth. I remember this thing from my foalhood…I hated this book. False hope is written all over and inside of it. I never liked reading that Dr. Hoof crap and if I didn’t need the bits then I’d utterly destroy this crap. Perceived value: ten bits.
The final book is one that I can appreciate, ‘Love’s Secrets: The Guide to Making Your Special Somepony Scream in Pleasure’. My Dad used to own a copy of this manual…well…he did until I stole it and read it thoroughly. This thing is quite informative and I must say that I learned quite a bit from it. It’d have been more useful if I wasn’t still a virgin, but I’m sure that knowledge will be more than helpful in my date with Octavia. Perceived value: thirty bits.
Whilst Twilight gets to keep her name on the tag of the book gift, I think I can still win in the end. That piece of mail that Derptard lost contained some sappy postcard with two tickets to the Wonderbolts’ next big performance. Disregarding that crappy postcard, I’ll make good use of those tickets with the lesbian. I’ll send some more flowers with these tickets tomorrow. She’ll definitely get a kick out of that. She makes absolutely no effort to hide her obsession with those idiots so she’ll definitely appreciate it. Here’s a bit of a problem though…what if Octavia wants to go? Nah, she doesn’t seem like that kind of mare. Perceived value: priceless…to the lesbian at least.
There were two other items in that saddlebag that will prove to be useful as bargaining tokens in the future. However, I’m not sure they have any monitorial value and I will thus put them away somewhere in my little paradise of a house. There’s a scroll and an envelope containing a letter, the scroll is authorized by Twilight and the letter is not signed. The scroll is a note for Princess Celestia…which…you know…could get me killed if anypony discovers I have it...something of which I will keep in mind. The letter contained in the envelope is an anonymous love letter. I’m a little confused about that one as I’m not sure any stallion in their right mind would fall in love with Twilight….just saying. Here’s what the Princess’ letter says:
Dear Princess Celestia,
The situation regarding Ipsa Unica (Oh great, she's talking to the royal bitches about me.) has concluded, but I’m afraid that its conclusion did not sit well with him (Probably not.).
Along with Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and the two guards you sent, I confronted Ipsa at his home about giving us the Element that he found and demanded a ridiculous amount of bits for. As you know, I was initially very nervous about confronting him as he acted in a hostile manner to both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Though his attack on Rainbow was evidently in self-defense, I was still on edge as he might've perceived our showing up as an attack (No, why would I possibly think that? I thought it was a charming way to ruin my life.). Luckily, Applejack had the amazing forethought to bring Ipsa’s cart that she and Big Macintosh were fixing for him. This seemed to calm him enough to be civil. I’m pleased to admit that he gave the Element of Kindness back to Fluttershy without a fight (Like I had a choice! It was either that or being destroyed!), but it’s what happened afterwards that has me worried.
Seeing nothing wrong of it at the time, I asked that he apologize to Pinkie Pie for throwing his cake at her on Wednesday afternoon (Shows how smart she is.). While he did actually say he was sorry, as begrudgingly as he could, Pinkie demanded that he also attend a party of hers and other odd requests along with the apology. In reaction he scowled angrily and slammed his door in her face (Seriously, who the fuck wouldn't do that?. I’m very worried as his behavior towards Pinkie has become more and more volatile as of late and that goes without mentioning the grudge I’ve sensed he has been holding for Derpy Hooves.
He only seems to mildly dislike Pinkie and I’m very uncertain on what he’d do to a pony he really dislikes should he choose to become violent (Oh, she’ll see, they’ll all see.).
I’ll keep you posted about this as you requested. And to answer your question, no, I do not believe that we are in need of having him trailed by some of your guards as these last few encounters seem to be misunderstandings (I was not aware that I was being considered for royal stalking…I guess I owe the nerd for saving my flank.).
As for Rainbow Dash, I’m very pleased to admit that her condition has improved dramatically since the incident. They actually let her out of the hospital today as her injuries have healed splendidly. She’ll have a limp for another few days (Called it!) which means she’ll have to take it easy when she lands and takes off, but everything else is fine and ready to go. Pinkie even decided to throw Rainbow a party tonight at my library to congratulate her on the quick recovery. I can’t wait for that! I even got Rainbow an autographed copy of the latest Daring Do book as a present to keep her out of the sky long enough for her leg to fully heal (That would be ‘we’ who got her that book. I hate it when ponies try to take credit for something they didn’t do.).
A final point I’d like to touch upon regarding Ipsa is that he has shown that he is not a coldhearted stallion as I had previously feared, in fact he seems to be showing a genuine interest in wishing Rainbow good health as he has sent her flowers two days in a row now. I’m surprised that she’s been receptive of his apologies as Dash tends to be the one to jump to conclusions, usually bad ones that end up getting her in trouble. His actions still confuse me, but I’m glad to see that he has some semblance of a heart (An icy, cold, black one, but I suppose it still counts as a heart.).
Love,
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
I’m not going to lie, that letter surprised me. I should definitely keep on the low now that I know that Princess Celestia wants me followed. By the way, that’s my proof that there is a conspiracy with all the mares. Even the ruler of the country is in on it!
The love letter is a lot shorter and really corny. I’m also pretty sure that whoever wrote it has some experience with writing as it is actually kind of well written. By that, I mean it doesn’t look like a retarded foal got their mouth on a quill and decided to draw fun shapes on paper. Take a look:
Every time I see you my heart melts and I want to scream that I’m sorry. If I had the stomach to do so, I’d find you right now and tell you again and again how sorry I am. I know I’ve told you this almost a thousand times by now, but I can’t help but get the feeling you never listened. It wasn’t my intention to harm you. I just don’t know what went wrong.
I wish I had the courage to tell you that I look at you as often as I do, but I’m frightened of how you’ll react. My friends tell me that I should just forget about it and just move on, but I can’t forget about you. I wish I had the heart to say all of this to your face, but this will have to do for now.
With Love,
Your Secret Admirer
That. Absolutely. Is. The. Corniest. Thing. Ever. Written. Period.
I’d love to go on with ripping on whoever it is that wrote this but sleep calls and I’ve got a date at noon. So see you…wait…I’m forgetting something…something important. Well crap, I’m too tired to touch upon it now. I guess I’ll get into the details in tomorrow’s mevening entry. However, I want to leave you with a better cliffhanger than that; I found an abandoned filly daynight and she’s currently staying with me. I’m not sure about what to do with her, but I’m sure I’ll figure something out tomorrow.
Time for the sleepy sleeps.