Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.
Dear Princesses Celestia and Luna,
It's official. The beginning of the end is upon us.
We were lucky, twice in fact, that Twilight held the magical power of all the alicorns... and she never ended up using it to take over Equestria. And now you just up and give Twilight the fucking throne!
Have you two gone senile from the past thousand years!?!
Just because Equestria is enjoying its longest period of harmony in recent years you both decide to up and retire?!?
If this is the longest period of "harmony" we had thus far, we pity our ancestors from the third generation!
Also, why is Luna retiring as well!?! She spent most of her rule with her ass buried in the moon for a thousand years!
We demand an explanation!!!
Shocked,
The Mane Five and Spike
To The Mane Five and Spike,
There is no need for an explanation.
I control the fucking sun. I dammit! I can choose when I want to retire and damn the consequences!
Plus, this is also the perfect final bitch slap to Twilight. She had many chances to usurp the throne, but botched it in the end. The only way she could've even gotten the chance to achieve my level of power was only when I decided to give it to her. She still had to wait for my say-so so she could rank up in royalty.
How's that for a mindfuck?
Now, if you'll excuse me, my sister and I are planning our grand vacation.
Your retired princess,
Princess Celestia
P.S. When we said 'longest period of harmony', we of course meant like, the past four days.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Looking at a future episode... I have doubts that you'll enjoy most of your vacation.
Your fed up fourth wall breaker,
Pinkie Pie
Dear Ex-Princesses Celestia and Luna,
My first day as dictator of Equestria and already my empire was falling apart.
King Sombra somehow escaped the aether and is now wreaking havoc. Guess he didn't get the memo about the circle of life. He should've come back, I don't know, a thousand years later!?!
Though, it's kind of hard to take King Sombra's return and takeover seriously with that dumb new voice he has now. He should've stuck to saying crystals repeatedly.
Whelp, time to save the Crystal Meth Empire... for the third time.
It was rather easy, though. All we had to do to overcome our fear and defeat him was to yell clown at him over and over as, stupid as it sounds. And so, we won... that is, until King Sombra decided to take up gardening and weed the Tree of Harmony.
I'll be honest. I'm not that surprised that those magical macguffins broke so easily. They did come from those old farts from the past, so of course they are weak and frail. They couldn't even kill off Groundskeeper Sombra, earlier!
Then, Groundskeeper Sombra starts gloating how we're now defenseless, hence he decided to let us live! Obviously, that dumbass eventually got his shadowy ass bitten later on.
In the meantime, however, Groundskeeper Sombra decided to invade Ponyville. A fitting downgrade. At least he's got enough sense to conquer a place that doesn't freeze his ass off. Plus the citizens are all idiots here, so mind controlling the populace is a cinch.
Not that I had time to complain when the Everfree decided to invade again. Or maybe it was Groundskeeper Sombra's fault. I don't know. Either way we needed to cause some deforestation. And it's actually justifiable for once!
Then you two and Starswirl came in to help. Fitting, since you old hags tend to like gardening a lot. Also, did the Hippogriff nation refused to aid us again? Typical.
Reaching Canterlot, we were surrounded by the mind-fucked citizens of Equestria. I sadly couldn't hurt any of them without it ending with a future lawsuit. An instant teleport later, we were greeted by Discord who wanted to help us. Discord helping... He's not gonna betray us and side with Groundskeeper Sombra is he? Well, if he does I'm activating that nuclear explosive I planted in that dumb bravery medal he received a while back.
If I can't get the throne... Nopony can.
Entering the throne room, we saw Groundskeeper Sombra had redecorated the place. Frankly, I didn't like it.
Subsequently, there was a climactic battle. Something about friendship. Blah, blah, blah. Been there, done that. And finally, Groundskeeper Sombra got sent back into the aether. Maybe next time he returns, he should get a job at Seven Eleven instead.
Too bad that Discord didn't finally decide to be useful to society and actually axe himself off. He faked it so we'll have the courage to save the day.
In reality, I thought we quickly struck down Groundskeeper Sombra right then and there since he must've expended all his magic just to injure that annoying dipshit.
And so the day is saved and the Era of Twilight begins!!! May Twilight fall upon Equestria!!!
But then you, the princess of trolling, decided I'm not ready to rule Equestria, yet.
Oh, you conniving cunt.
Your not overlord of Equestria yet,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Sister,
I'm taking Cerberus to the vet to get fixed. Letting the prisoners of Tartarus escape a second time is the final straw.
Pissed,
Luna
Dear Sweetie Belle,
So can we make Twilighting a legit word just like the word adorkable?
Curious,
Pinkie Pie
Dear Father of All Monsters,
You owe us all one thousand years worth of bits for child support you asshole.
Signed,
The many mothers of all monsters
Dear Grogar,
Well you're fucked.
Your unpaid minions,
Cozy Glow, Queen Chrysalis and Tirek
Dear Grogar,
Might we offer some assistance?
Your potential villainous benefactor,
Black Hat Organisation
Dear Teachers and Headmistress,
We had this weird dream where Treelight Barkle came to us for aid. What happened?
Your confused pupils,
The Student Six
Dear Princess Luna,
Are you sure it's entirely fair that you're retiring at the same time as your sister? If we're doing the math right, she's done like, a millennium's worth more work than you. You think we've forgotten that you spent one thousand years sulking on the moon? Either you keep working, or her retirement package is going to be a lot better than yours.
We're not necessarily saying for another millennium. Maybe just until we die. Sound good? We'd rather have you watching over our dreams than Twilight.
Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity
P.S. We don't know if you've noticed, but, well, Canterlot's royal guards kinda fucking suck. What's the training regimen? Be white or gray and get a uniform?